


Peace Lovin' Guy

by briansredspecial



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (Song), Queen (Band)
Genre: 70s, Angst, Anxiety, Bands, Brian May - Freeform, Daddy Kink, Depression, Dom!Brian May, Drinking, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Conflict, Fanfiction, Infidelity, John Deacon - Freeform, London, Love, M/M, Mentions of Abortion, Music, Oral Sex, Queen - Freeform, Roger Taylor - Freeform, Self Harm, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, University, idek, imperial college, mentions of domestic abuse, south kensington, wet dreams??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-29 01:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 122,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20074147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briansredspecial/pseuds/briansredspecial
Summary: Maria is a struggling student at Imperial College, studying for her Events Managements degree with her close friend, Emma. She's one day trusted with the responsibility of managing the college's forming student band. Let's just say it's best to keep business and private life as separate as possible. But it isn't always that easy, as the curly-haired guitarist begins to prove to her innocent mind and expose her to what life can really be.-----------Also published on my Wattpad account @freddiesjawline so go follow me on there :) If you can't, that's fine, just stick around on here.





	1. lightweight

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to 'Peace Lovin' Guy'! If you have been following me for a while, you'll be accustomed to how I used to write and my attitudes towards fandoms years back. But, now I'm switching it up and aiming to become a more mature, advanced writer. 
> 
> This story will contain scenes of a strong sexual nature, violence, strong language, and overall Queen shit that make it a Queen fic. 
> 
> Please be patient for updates, my inspiration twangs are very inconsistent. 
> 
> Other than that, please enjoy and share around Wattpad and other platforms with people you think would also enjoy this Brian May fanfiction.

**1 ~ lightweight ~**

/ /

** October, 1972**

"It would be so nice of you if I could have a teensy sip of that, hun."

I looked across at Emma, who was already into her third glass of Rosé of the evening, and I hadn't even put my shoes on yet. I knew I would be slipping on the spilt drink at some point the next day, the kitchen tiles splashed with Emma's beverage. It wasn't exactly a huge flat, which made it even more difficult for me to retrieve my converse from the doorstep. Emma was dancing and singing to our favourite song at the time: Immigrant Song by the ever-amazing Led Zeppelin.

"I swear there's nobody... NOBODY better than Zed Leppelin!" Emma slurred slightly; one Doc Marten short. _That's my best friend._

"Yes. We love a bit of Zed Leppelin." I answered bluntly, but inevitably laughed at her. I propped myself up onto the kitchen counter, face to face with the mirror on the wall ahead of me, applying the rest of my make up on with attempted precision. It looked the best it could do at that point. I was able to get a sip of Emma's drink at one point, but not nearly enough to be as wankered as she was.

"Maria!! This is my favourite bit – Aaaaaahhhhhaaa!" Emma screeched so out of tune it was kind of unbelievable.

As I hopped off the counter, I belted out the outro with Emma, who had finally found her other Doc Marten.

"So now you better stop! And rebuild all your ruins!" With a laugh, I switched off the record player, grabbing my keys and leading Emma out the door.

Yes, we hadn't even left the flat yet.

It was difficult to lead Emma in the right direction as we made our way to the local pub. She was such a mess when she was drunk. I had no idea what I would do if I got that drunk. With it being student night, it was 60p a pint. So, I wasn't laying any bets on me not getting drunk.

"Oh my Gooooddddd, it's so hot!!!"

"Emma, it's 10 degrees." I pulled her away from the road.

"I know, Maria, that's why I'm wearing this weather bucket."

"It's a leather jacket, Emma."

Stuff like that. The good thing was that as soon as we got to the pub, we'd be away from any roads, so I no longer had to be responsible for her destructive actions. It was usually the other way around, in all honesty. I wasn't used to be the one to look after Emma. Emma had always been a mother figure to me, even throughout college.

Despite the difficult 20-minute walk to the pub, I knew the night was going to be interesting to say the least. It was so nice to see so many students congregated in one pub, laughing, singing and having drinks together. It was always a popular way to forget the stress of your studies, especially since it was so hard to make a living in London. Why Emma and I chose to study in London seems to still slip my mind to this day. To many, events management wasn't even a real thing to study. I admit, it is a weird thing to get a degree in but it was interesting to say the least. It had its moments.

Our local pub was a converted barn, so the yellow lights mixed with the fair colour of the wood created a warm undertone to the entire building. It was cosy, and friendly to a point where it felt like a second home. I let go of Emma and she immediately stumbled over to the bar, where she snatched up a seat.

_ She's not moving from there for the rest of the night..._

I sighed and shook my head as she instinctively made moves on the bartender. She needed it, the poor thing. She needed a good shag, to be honest, there's no other way to put it. I, on the other hand, now felt very awkward. I'd never been left alone in a pub before. But I didn't want to risk ruining things for Emma and the bartender, so I walked over to the other bar that was stood directly next to that one.

_ A few drinks, and I should be fine. _

After ordering my pint, I turned around and leaned on the bar so that I could get a good look at my surroundings. I noticed the stage was cleared of tables. Another student band, it seemed. A lot of the bands formed at Imperial weren't exactly original, in all honesty. It wasn't necessarily bad music; it just wasn't anything worth buying in to. After 3 and a half pints, my nerves had soothed out and I was confident enough to move myself over to an empty table. I did look around briefly for Emma, but I noticed she was now sat with another guy, at the other side of the pub.

_That girl, I swear to God._

I would have ventured for someone else that I knew, had the student band not made their entrance. So, I just stayed where I was, finally being able to occupy myself with listening to music rather than sitting alone and drinking.

"We're extremely thrilled to be here tonight!" The frontman, evidently tipsy, announced to everyone. Some people had intentionally stopped what they were doing in order to get a better view. It had me wondering, were they anything special? "I'm Freddie, I'm the important one who makes sure you all have a beautiful night, you beautiful people." He chuckled into the microphone, which was attached to a dissected stand. "John Deacon on bass," he pointed over to the smaller male, stood towards the back. "Of course, we have blondie on the drumssss!" Freddie hissed, as the blonde at the back stood up, earning a wave of cheers and squeals: predominantly from the females in the room. "What a tart, Roger." Freddie teased, before excessively gesturing towards the last person to come on stage. He was much taller than the rest of them and his hair was... voluminous to say the least. He was also extremely thin, but he made up for it when he held his guitar in front of him. "And this is Brian May on the gee-tar!"

"Tequila shots?? Only 50p each!" A bartender held out a circular tray with shot glasses scattered out amongst it. _I really shouldn't_, I thought, remembering I had a meeting with my professor the next day. But, alas, I have never been good at self-control – especially when it came to alcohol. I bought two shots and downed them almost instantly, my throat almost closing at the strong taste. I was not used to it at all. I coughed, slapping my hand against my mouth, peering back up at the band on stage.

All in all, they were a nice-looking set of boys. Each of them different, but beautiful in their own way. Roger was clearly the sex-icon of the group, although I personally didn't see it. Sure, as he drummed away, he was somewhat attractive. But not enough to make me weak at the knees. The guitarist, however, was in no way difficult to look at. You could see that intense concentration and passion fused together that created one of the best performances ever done by a student band. I must admit, they gave the others a run for their money. I do remember one song stuck in my head for the rest of the night, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what is was called. _Therefore, I shouldn't drink._

Something about staying alive or something? Whatever it was, it was a fucking jam. I was honestly sad when it was over.

"Maria!" I almost jumped out of my seat, as I looked in the direction of the noise. I could only just see through blurry vision that it was an even more pissed Emma, plonking herself on the chair next to me.

"Where have you beeeen..."

"I've been right here, listening to the band people." I slurred, lazily waving my arm in the direction where the band was stood. "Where have you been... and why is your face red? Oh my God!! Are you bleeding?!?!?" I yelled, standing up, knocking the chair over with the back of my knees.

"Noooooo!" Emma joined me, standing up. "It's the lipstick... got a bit smudged."

"But you don't wear stip-lick.. uh, lipstick." I cackled at my drunken mistake, my head pounding as soon as I did. I whined, holding my head. I was now more pissed than Emma was. And that was an achievement.

"We should probably go home.. unless you wanna meet the guys who were just up on that stage thingy... that blonde was so pretty oh my God!!!"

"No, we should go home. I got a meeting with Professor Perv." I hissed, guiding myself towards the door.

"You know, sometimes I think you should just shag the professor... That's the closest you'll get to a boyfriend, Maria.." That was the thing about Emma, she was brutally honest. When she was off her head.

"That band didn't seem so bad... I'd shag allllll of them!" I screamed at Emma's words, as we both stumbled down the path, on the way back to the flat. "Emma, I have a thing for guitarists now, I—" Before I could finished my sentence, I hurled over into a bush, vomiting aggressively some of the alcohol back up. _I'm such a lightweight._ Emma tried her best to get my hair out the way, but it was already infused with my vomit. What a lovely sight I was.

"Maybe guitarists are into lightweights."

"What a wonderful world that would be."


	2. for the experience

2 ~for the experience~

I felt like a hammer had swung right into the side of my head as the sound of something fizzing enveloped my brain. With an unsatisfied groan, I lifted my head to see Emma placing an aspirin on the coffee table.

"Maria, hun, it's 10:30." 

I could barely open my eyes, the sunlight burning them and making my hangover more intense than it needed to be. "I need some sunglasses." I murmured, whining shortly after. 

I pulled myself up from the sofa, rubbing my eyes. It wasn't my intention to get that hammered, I promise. Sometimes, I just get out of hand. 

"What time is it again?" My voice was groggy, and my joints ached. I managed to hold the glass with the aspirin tight enough so I wouldn't drop it. Emma plopped on the sofa next to me, handing me a plate with a slice of toast on it. 

"Half 10. What time is your meeting?" I looked at Emma, noticing she too had a pale complexion and didn't look very well, most likely due to last night's escapades.  
When is my meeting... oh shit!

I quickly downed the aspirin and took a bite out of the toast, hopping to my feet. I must have gotten up too quickly, as I immediately felt queasy, my vision blurring. No, you have to steady yourself.

"I won't be too long, um," I scrambled for my converse, whilst trying to straighten my hair out. "I think there's some pasta from the other night in the fridge, I gotta go, love you." And with that, I left Emma alone. 

To say that my flat was owned by Imperial, it was such a long walk to get to the main campus. It was times like these when I wished I had a car, or at least knew someone who owned a car. 

It was one of those walks where your calves burn, really burn. When you know just how long you have left to walk, but your feet can't seem to take you there fast enough. When your brain is just filled of nothing but determination to get to where you're headed – even if it isn't even that important. Yeah, walks like that stressed me out big time. 

With only a few minutes to spare, I walked through the double doors of the college atrium, heading straight for the lift. There's no way I'm walking up 5 flights of stairs feeling like pure death. 

Much to my dismay, when I held out my finger to press the button, there was a piece of paper, with 'out of order' written on it. 

Great, I thought. 

I swear I could've started crying at the 3rd flight. My legs hurt, I started to feel overbearingly hot, and I felt as if I was about to pass out at any moment. Fuck alcohol.  
I did, however, make it to my professor's room, which was also mine and Emma's lecture room. It was plastered with photos and information of the achievements of the music industry's most successful managers and publishers. John Reid was the focus of my studies that term; I was rather fascinated by his involvement with Elton John. He was a big name in the record industry, and he came from literally nothing, which made it even the more respectable. 

As expected, I saw my professor sat at his desk, papers in front of him which he was looking over. 

"Ah, Maria. You're late." Those weren't the words I was anticipating... but I deserved it for being, what, 20 minutes late. 

"Yes, Sir, I apologise. I must have slept in." I said, trying to hide the fact I was terribly out of breath. I laughed what was meant to be softly, but it came out more of an exaggerated sigh of discomfort. 

"Sit down." 

Placing my bag on the floor, I was thankful for the opportunity to not be stood up for a second longer. My feet ached with satisfaction. 

"As you know, Maria, I am a very busy man. And being based in London means there's too many jobs available yet not enough people to take them on." He started. I seriously thought he was going to give me another lecture on how I should get myself a job and not live off student funds, because I can't do that forever. "When I'm not being made to run 20 minutes overschedule by certain students..." Wow, go off. "I'm constantly being prepositioned with job openings." 

I leaned forwards, rubbing at my aching knees. "Yeah?" 

"And I know you're very hard working when you're not running late. You are surprisingly one of our top students in the course here at Imperial."  
Surprisingly?? 

"So, I have an offer for you."

Am I finally getting a job offer? Will I be able to pay off debts? Can I finally tell my parents I have a job? My posture straightened up, eager to listen to what he had to say. 

"As you may know, there are many bands being formed here and sometimes it's too many to handle at once. Everyone wants to be a Rockstar nowadays."

"Well, it does make a lot of money, Sir." I added a bit of humour to the conversation, hoping to soften the tension a little. 

"If it works out, you could be a millionaire. But there is a group I want you to oversee." 

"Oh wow! Tha—"

"For free," My professor quickly added, causing my enthusiasm to stagger ever so slightly. "If we pay you, other students will want a bit of the action, and we as a University cannot afford to place everyone in this department on a payroll. It'll be for the experience, Maria." 

I must have radiated pure annoyance and disappointment to a point where it wasn't very well hidden. I slumped back in my chair, my hangover once again consuming me. I didn't have the energy to listen. Work?? For nothing?? I think the fuck not, sir.

"Listen, I'm not saying you'll have to work incredibly hard. I picked out a group that probably won't even go anywhere. It's just for the experience. Humour them and see if you can get them a few gigs locally. We're not talking big stars here, Maria. They're not even from the music department."  
What have I got to lose? 

"You could've had a bit of time to think about your decision, but since you turned up late, you have 2 minutes. They'll be here at 11." 

It was 10:58. With an annoyed sigh, I ran my hand over my forehead. "Fine, whatever, I'll do it." It's not like I had much choice in the matter. Plus, how bad could it be if it would help me out to get a degree? 

The next two minutes seemed to go so slow. Agonizingly slow. With each second that passed, I felt more and more nauseous and tired. This was when my fatigue decides to fail me? I thought to myself, as I heard voices approaching from down the corridor.

"How is it my fault that the bloody lift isn't working?" A high-pitched voice complained slightly out of breath, just as the door pushed open.  
In came the blonde boy from the pub. As if, I thought.

But that's when the guitarist and the singer from the night before walked in, making me even more light-headed than I already was. Freddie and Brian, was it? Seeing them up close was a sight, I must say. 

"Boys, this is Maria." My professor stood up and signalled me to do the same thing. "She's going to be taking care of you, making sure you book enough gigs to get noticed." 

I shook away my hangover briefly enough to introduce myself. Freddie was just as charming as he was on stage, but slightly shier in person. Roger of course made no attempt to be gentle, he was obviously a very rambunctious person. Perhaps I should introduce him to Emma...

The poodle-haired guitarist was stood last, hands in his pockets. He did struggle to get his hand out when it came time for me to introduce myself. It's okay, I thought, I'm nervous too. 

"Sorry, love. I'm Brian." The guitarist smiled at me, making my stomach turn. Or maybe it was the hangover. I froze a little. Was it the hangover?

"I'm..." My throat dried up, constricting my breathing as Brian looked at me puzzled.

I heard Freddie chuckle. "Have you forgotten your name already, darling?" It earned a giggle from Roger, who was fixing his hat onto his blonde locks.

"I'm gonna be sick." I mumbled, rushing over to the bin in the corner of my professor's room and hurling once again. This time, I didn't have Emma to hold my hair back. All of them stood and watched. Nobody came to help me. 

When I was finished, I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and tried my best to act as normal as possible, as though I didn't just hurl my entire guts up. 

"Jesus, we're not that bad, are we?" Roger said, offended at the idea. Brian just nudged him, making him shut up quickly. 

"S-sorry... I guess I'm not well." I lied, not wanting anyone to know I was drinking heavily (for me, anyway) the night before. Didn't want them to see me as irresponsible.

"Don't apologise." Brian said quietly, and reassuringly. But it was drowned out by my professor's sigh. 

"Maria, I think you should go home and come back tomorrow with a stronger mindset. I don't know what's gotten into you lately." 

Ashamed, I picked up my bag and hurried past the boys, but I didn't get very far as I felt Freddie's hand clasp around my arm. He gave me a smile of sympathy. "It's alright, darling, we all get pissed sometimes." Laughing, he let go of my arm and let me go. 

Talk about embarrassing. 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Brian 

I watched as Maria left the room. The poor thing was so embarrassed. The professor didn't seem to make her feel any more welcomed either. Prick. 

I looked back at him, "Are you sure she's going to be able to handle us?" I asked, catching on to her anxious exit. 

Roger chimed in, "Yeah, we're not exactly easy to be around. We want a lot from this experience, you know." 

"I'm sure you do, Rog." I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly what he wants from a girl he's never met before. 

"Ladies, please, we can fight in our own time." Freddie scolded us. "Deacy doesn't like the fighting, darling, how could you possibly be this childish?" 

"It's a good job he's not here then, isn't it?" Roger backfired. He was so immature.

The professor interrupted our altercation, clearing his throat. "That's a point. Aren't there four of you? Where's the other one?" 

"The other one, my dear, is our bassist, and he's more than the other one. What's more, he doesn't come here." Freddie immediately retorted, walking towards the professor and clasping his hands behind his back. You knew someone rubbed Fred up the wrong way when he did this. "He doesn't mix with scum, darling."  
"Fred, chill." I said, trying my best to give the professor a warm smile. 

Freddie backed away. "So, we'll take the girl's number and say no more about it, yes?" 

"Of course." Maria's professor answered dryly, writing down her number on a small piece of paper. Freddie snatched it from him before he could even pick it up, turning around and heading for the door. 

"Remember she's an unpaid student. Don't be too ambitious and don't make her too stressed, boys." 

Roger smiled, shrugging his shoulders. "Don't worry, we only need a little push and we'll be on Top of the Pops in 5 years."

"Five years, darling? Try two years!" Freddie opened the door for us all to exit, which we did. I could've sworn I heard the professor say 'you wish' as we left. 

"You can't keep your mouth shut, you two." I snapped as we made our way back down the stairs. 

"What are you complaining about?" Roger asked, "One girl is going to be spending a lot of time around us, 4 guys. This is the best opportunity of our lives, Bri!"

I scoffed, "The only opportunity you think you're getting is to get into her pants, which will not happen, by the way. You can't mix up business with lust, Rog." 

He stopped and raised his eyebrows. "Let's hope she has a hot friend then!" And with that he slid himself down the banister of the staircase. 

"You wish, Blondie." I murmured as I followed down the stairs.


	3. chaotic

3 ~ chaotic ~

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't take the piss out of me, Emma, it was fucking embarrassing." I stirred the pot of tomato sauce on the stove, my hair tied back in a ponytail. 

"But you spewed in front of three boys! You vomited as in fully choked!" Emma wheezed, leaning back on the sofa in her fit of giggles. 

"How would you like it if you threw up in front of some really attractive guys? They probably think I'm so disgusting now. And I'm supposed to be managing them!" I rambled, some of the sauce splattering at me from the stove. 

"You need to stir it—"

"I know I need to stir it, thank you Emma!!" I snapped, taking a deep breath and stirring it angrily. 

"Don't get pissy with me, I'm just joking." Emma said softly, a slight tinge of guilt in her voice. She shut up momentarily whilst she got out two bowls and two forks. 

"I'm sorry for shouting, I'm just really embarrassed, and I can't stop thinking about it." 

"You mean, you can't stop thinking about them?" Emma grinned obnoxiously. 

I spooned the sauce into a bowl of strained pasta, mixing it up. "I don't know what you're talking about." I said quietly, putting the pans in the sink. 

"Maria, they're so attractive. And if they really were the guys from the other night, then you're so lucky that you are getting to spend so much time with them." She giggled, helping herself to the pasta I made. "Especially that blonde one, what was his name?" 

Here we go...

"Roger." I said, smirking at Emma and her expression. 

"Yes, Roger. You get to spend time with them all. You're one lucky bitch."

I emptied the rest of the pan into my bowl and walked over to the sofa. "It's just work experience, Emma, it's not anything much." I sat down, Emma joining me next to me. "Besides, I don't like blondes." 

"No, you like the one with the big hair." Emma quickly retorted, shoving a forkful of pasta into her mouth. What a bitch.

As I opened my mouth to speak, the phone rang from the hallway. I groaned at Emma's cockiness, putting the bowl down on the coffee table and stepping over her legs, making my way through what was supposed to be cleaned up by Emma. Her and her stupid shoes. 

I picked up the phone, placing it to my ear. "Hello?" 

"Maria, darling, it's mum." 

I gave Emma one of those looks, my eyes narrowing – whether it was aimed at her or my mother, it's up to interpretation. She just gave me a sour smile and went back to eating. 

"Hi mum, how are things?" I sighed into the phone, trying my best to act positive. 

"They're okay, your dad and I went to The Wellington the other night with Uncle Dave and Auntie Sue." 

"The Wellington, huh...?" I asked, trying to be as calm as possible. "Where did the money come from for that type of meal?" I laughed, clinging onto the phone. Just hang up, Maria. Just hang up. 

"Oh, we had some left over from the other week." My mum said so casually, her voice crackling on the other end. 

"That's good..." I said quietly. "We haven't got a lot over here; we keep having pasta." I sighed, trying to drop a hint that I needed money. 

"Oh darling, just get a job. There are loads of jobs in London. That's why you moved down there, remember?" It was as if she was completely oblivious to student life. 

"Yep. Guess so..." I sighed, knowing I wasn't going to get anything out of her. 

"How are things down there in the world of glamour, sweetheart?" 

"I wouldn't exactly call it glamour. It's just chaotic and tired, and hungry." I stifled a little laugh, leaning on the wall and watching Emma clean out her bowl. "I got a bit of work experience given to me yesterday." I did sound optimistic at that. 

"Oh, you know, your dad has just got in. We bought a new set of drawers for the dining room! Talk to you later, sweetheart, bye!" And then she hung up. 

"Wow okay, love you too." I scoffed, slamming the phone back on the cradle. 

"Careful, I'm paying for that!" I heart Emma yell from the kitchen. 

"We're both paying for it, dickhead." I mumbled, picking up my bowl of pasta and taking a mouthful. It had gotten cold. Cold or not, it was food and I was hungry. 

"I am assuming that was your mum?" Emma asked, sitting back down next to me, work folder in hand.

"Yes, she's doing wonderful, had dinner at The Wellington with the in-laws." I smiled sourly, peeking over at her work. She flicked through mind-map after mind-map of different influencers in the business. 

"Has she always been that cunty?" 

"You have no idea—" Interrupting me, again, the phone screamed across the hallway, each ring seemingly louder than the last. "Why, why, why, why..." I whined, trudging back through the endless amount of mess on the floor of our flat. 

"I could've gone and answered the phone, you know." Emma said to me from the sofa. 

"Do you want to?" I gestured to the phone as I got to the doorway. 

"You're already there now." 

"Cheeky bitch." I smiled and shook my head, picking up the phone. 

"Hello?" I had a smile on my face by now; Emma never failed to put a smile on my face. Sure, life in London was a bit shit, but we had each other and that's what mattered.

"Hello, is this Maria?" A soft voice spoke from the other end of the line. 

"Yes, this is she." I leaned against the wall. 

"Hi, it's Brian. From yesterday." 

Of course. Who else could that soft, gentle voice be??

"Oh, h-hi." I instantly got nervous, though. Memories of the day before flooded back into my mind, my anxiety coming back. 

"I didn't call at a bad time, did I?" 

"Oh no, no... Listen, I'm so sorry about yesterday, I really wasn't feeling well and I didn't mean to do what I did, I promis—"

"Maria, it's fine. Like Freddie said, we all get drunk sometimes." I heard him chuckle from the other end, which strangely made my stomach turn in a good way this time. He remembered my name... 

"Yeah... Well, it was your fault anyway." What? Why the fuck did you say that? 

"Excuse me?" 

"Wait, what I mean is that... I only got drunk because I stayed longer than I usually do. And the reason I stayed longer than I usually do is because you were playing and your music was decent, so-"

"I was joking, you don't have to explain to me." He chuckled again. "You liked our music?" 

"Yeah, of course I did." I smiled into the phone. "I guess I didn't really get a chance to tell you that yesterday." I giggled. 

"Thank you, we tend to get a good audience reception. Anyway, I called about the position your professor gave you yesterday. We want you to know we're not expecting much, and we know it can be stressful to keep up with studies and everything at the same time. So, if you want to back out, I completely understand." He now sounded nervous. 

"Brian, it's fine." I said, now my turn to reassure him. "It'll be good for my course; I need to know this stuff in practice." I nodded to myself.

"Well, that's good then. With that being said... Do you want to come and meet all of us? You only met three quarters of us yesterday, maybe you should know the full quad."

I couldn't help but laugh at the way he worded that. "Quad? You can tell you're not from the music department." 

"There's nothing wrong with that. I happened to be a smart astrophysicist. Anyway, can't do tomorrow; I have to go to a meal with family, but we can all do Tuesday. That sound good to you?"

I was still stuck at 'astrophysicist'. "Uh, yeah." 

I had very little time to write down the address as the phone signal was awful from our flat. Fucking Imperial. Before we could even say our goodbyes, the line went flat, a monotonous beep piercing my ear. 

I put the phone back on the cradle and folded the little sheet of paper and slipped it into the pocket of my denim jacket that was hung over the radiator. I walked back through into the living room, where Emma was just sat, now listening to some of The Beatles' music. 

"And that was...?" She asked, looking up. 

"Brian. You know, the big haired one?" I smiled, sitting next to her. 

"Ohhhhhhhhhh...." Emma teased, nudging me. 

"Shut up, you're so immature." I rolled my eyes. "He just wants me to meet all four of them on Tuesday. Properly." 

"Yeah, vomiting all over them isn't a great way to introduce yourself." 

With that, I grabbed a cushion and whacked her with it, her then doing the same. We were now having a pillow fight, giggling uncontrollably at one another.

"You bitch!" I heard Emma shout when I noticed I knocked her glass of cheap wine on her Doc Martens. 

"It's your fault for leaving your shoes everywhere, you messy bastard!" I laughed hard enough for tears to form, and that was the last straw. Emma got up and stormed to the bedroom, which I used, picking up my favourite necklace and sprinting to the bathroom. 

"Oh fuck no..." I went for her, grabbing it from her hand as she hung it over the toilet.

"What's wrong, Maria? Brian can always buy you a new one!" 

"Will you shut up?! It's just business." I sighed, coming down from my hysterical high. 

"Yeah, yeah..." Emma shook her head. 

Why couldn't life always be this blissful?


	4. her majesty

4 ~ her majesty ~

It took me ages to find this address. Why did Brian have to live in such an obscure part of town? I lifted my hand and knocked loud enough for someone inside to hear me. Whilst I awaited an answer, I scanned my eyes around the surrounding area. I wouldn't say it was particularly nice, with its lack of security and the fact that their front door was hidden down a side alley, but I guess students can't complain. 

I heard the lock from the other side of the door twist round and the handle being pulled on. Peeping through the crack in the door, I saw Roger's blue eyes staring back at me. 

"Oh, it's you." He said, as though relieved, although I didn't catch onto that initially. He pulled open the door all the way, stepping aside to let me in. 

"Good afternoon to you, too, Roger." I walked inside, little warmth hitting me as I did so. 

"Who is it??" I heard a softer voice yelling from another part of the house. 

"It's..." Roger stammered, looking back at me, "Sorry, love, what's your name again?" 

"Maria." I sighed. He already forgot my name? 

"It's Maria!" 

Just then, someone came out of one of the rooms, holding a big case in front of them, evidently containing a guitar of some sort. But you wouldn't find it difficult to tell who was behind the case; I could see Brian's big mane sticking out. That's when his face peered round the side. 

"Hi Maria," He greeted warmly, adjusting his hands underneath the case. "I'll be with you in a sec, I just have to take this upstairs." 

"I can look after her, you know." Roger said, almost offended at Brian's lack of confidence that he'd be able to do such a thing. 

"And I'm sure you would." I heard Brian mumble, as he trudged up the stairs with the big case in his hands. 

Closing the door behind me, Roger gave me a toothy grin, walking ahead of me. "You can come in here, we don't bite." He gestured his hand to follow him and I did so. 

My eyes landed on Freddie playing scrabble on the floor with another boy, his hair also lengthy. That's the bass player, I thought. Freddie noticed me and his concentrated expression soon switched to a look of joy. 

"Maria, darling, how are you feeling?" He also remembered my name? I'm more memorable than I thought. Freddie's eyes kept flicking from me to the scrabble board, making sure the bass player of the group didn't cheat. 

"I'm feeling much better, thank you F..." I hesitated a bit, finishing his name as more of a question. "...Freddie, was it?" 

"That is indeed my name, dear." He grinned at me, showing his teeth. I'd never seen an overbite so intense. But it somehow suited him and caused his uniqueness to get the better of him. "John, dear, don't be so rude, we have a guest." Freddie nudged the other guy, who instantly looked up at me. He too smiled, a slight gap in his front two teeth. 

"Hello. You're the girl who's helping us, aren't you?" His voice was very sweet and childlike. But at the same time, it was comforting. 

"Uh, yeah. I don't know how good I'll be, I'm a bit useless to be honest." I chuckled nervously, playing with my fingers. 

"Nonsense." I heard behind me, Brian soon emerging from my side to sit on their rather worn out sofa. "It's nothing serious, don't have a thing to worry about. Of course, we understand it's unpaid so like I said on the phone, we don't expect much." Brian smiled; mouth closed. "Oh, uh, do you want anything to drink?" He noticed none of them had exactly been welcoming to their fullest.

"Umm... No, I'm alright thanks." I shook my head, my chest thumping with anxiety. New surroundings.

"Well, don't stand up all the time, love, sit down." Roger said from across the room, sat in an armchair, one leg over the arm. He had a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips as he lit it with a match. 

I mumbled a little 'oh' as I stepped over Freddie and John's scrabble game, settling on the edge of the sofa, next to Brian. 

"So, you've met everyone, do you think you can handle us all, darling?" Chimed Freddie, lifting his head. 

"I think I can, you don't seem like much trouble." I joked, looking at each of them before my eyes landing on Brian. "Not at all." I smiled, earning a smile back from the guitarist. There it was again: that stomach turn. I don't know what it was about Brian, but he made me feel oddly comfortable – calm. Even on the telephone, his voice soothed me after my lovely conversation I had with mother dear. I was almost glad I got to sit next to him and not Roger.

I had to tear my gaze away from him before I started daydreaming. Very bad habit of mine. "So..." I sighed, looking at everyone else as though I didn't just get lost in Brian's hazel eyes for a second. "I was told you needed help looking for venues?" 

"That's right, yeah." Roger nodded, looking at Freddie, who was very much into his scrabble game. "Fred, you said something abo—"

"Shit!" Freddie yelled, taking all of us by surprise. He said back, frustrated, leaning back on his hands. "Every time, Deacy." He narrowed his eyes sourly at John before noticing our looks. "Oh, sorry, darlings, what were you saying?" 

"We were telling Maria about what we need help with, Fred." Brian sighed, leaning forward a bit to see passed me, since I was still sat on the edge of the sofa rather than on the sofa. I shuffled back a little, Brian smiling gently in appreciation. 

"Oh yes, sorry." Freddie apologised, sitting up straighter. "We play at The Kings Head not far from here on a Friday evening. But, unfortunately, that's all we are doing at the moment."

Brian chimed in, earning my attention. "We're all studying, you understand, and we are quite far away from any other venues. We struggle to get any word out about Queen." 

"Queen?" I asked, raising my eyebrow. "What's that?" 

"Why, it's our band, darling!" Freddie announced enthusiastically. "After her Majesty, of course. Isn't it outrageous?" 

I stifled a little giggle. "It's a different name, to be honest. It's nice to hear that you're not called 'death tribe' or anything cliché." I was beginning to feel a lot more comfortable now. These guys were easier to talk to than I had anticipated. "I must have missed that on Friday." 

"That's where I've seen you before!" Exasperated Roger, sitting up in his chair, holding his hand out with the cigarette between his pointer and middle finger. 

"You what?" I said, my Northern accent not failing me. 

"I saw you dancing during Keep Yourself Alive!" So that's what the song was called! Roger was grinning, and this information made Brian chuckle under his breath. "On Friday!" 

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you... Maria likes our music." Brian nodded, seemingly proud of himself. "They picked us an easy one to work with." He glanced at me, giving me that smile again. That fucking smile.

My cheeks burned up with embarrassment, nonetheless. Purely because I was caught dancing, more than anything. I was a terrible dancer. Plus, I was drunk. I couldn't even begin to imagine what that must have looked like. 

"Are you a musical person, Maria?" Freddie asked, standing up and perching himself onto the armrest on the sofa, next to me. 

"I guess you could say that. I sing sometimes, but it's just for fun." I smiled. "I used to sit with my dad when I was like 12 and we used to sing non-stop. It drove my mum crazy." I laughed, for a second remembering when life was a little less stressful. "Sorry, I'm rambling."

"Don't apologise, love, I think it's wonderful that you like music." Brian reassured me, his smile a little wider. 

"It just kind of takes my mind off of things. It's like an anti-stress technique." I giggled. "Which explains why you guys are so deep into it." 

"Music comes naturally. I can only speak for myself, darling, I don't know about the others." Freddie smiled innocently, chuckling at his own dig at the boys. "No, I'm only joking, we all love it. And we all love performing it. That is if we actually had anywhere to perform it..."

My eyes widened, feeling bad about going off on a tangent. "Sorry, that's my job now, I guess." My eyes scanned the room for a clock, only noticing a little one on the coffee table. "Um... I know this is quite important to you all, but it's almost 9:30 and I have a lecture first thing..." I trailed out, looking at the boys individually. 

"Oh, don't us disturb your studies, darling! Just come back tomorrow and we can talk real business." Freddie stood up immediately. I followed, letting them all know I was leaving. 

They all stood up to, eager to say their goodbyes. Freddie assured me he wouldn't put too much stress on me, as he knew they could all be temperamental in their own ways. As much as I knew he was right, I honestly would feel awful if I was to not give 100% in this experience. It was extremely important to them all, and I knew that deep down they were struggling and desperate for a big break. 

"I'll see you out." Brian said, walking with me to the door. I opened the door, turning around to say goodbye to him. 

"We are all grateful for this, Maria, you should know that. We're struggling at the moment." Knew it. 

"It's my pleasure. Besides, it's gonna help with my degree, so I'd be stupid not to give it a go." I smiled reassuringly, folding my arms over my torso.  
"Have a safe journey home, and I uh... I'll uh... See you tomorrow, I guess?" He scratched the back of his neck, placing a grip on the door. Is he okay?

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow." Nodding, I missed the warning of Brian leaning towards me, planting a soft kiss on my cheek. 

Oh, okay.

"See you." I simply said, turning and leaving. 

Don't stress over it, Maria. He's obviously a gentleman. And that's what gentlemen do out of pure respect when the other is coming or going. 

I repeated this in my head as I made my way back home.


	5. on your knees

Chapter 5

“The competition between Allen Klein and Colonel Tom Parker is an example of healthy competition. If you don’t find yourself in a situation where you’re having to compete over a certain clientele, you’re doing something terribly wrong.” Earning a subtle wave of chuckles from the class, Professor Ross ran over the details of the topic we had been studying for the past fortnight. 

Emma, adjusting her glasses, accordingly, rushed to note down the dates of Allen Klein’s major peaks in his career as a businessman. He’d worked with The Beatles, hence why Emma was so excited to record everything possible about him. 

I, on the other hand, didn’t think much to Mr Klein’s methods; he was way too sneaky for my taste. I could never be a manager like him; force-signing clients and heavily intoxicating himself to deal with his clientele in the first place. Though Professor Ross was entirely correct, his competition with Tom Parker, the manager of Elvis’ estate, was incredible. It showed that if you want something enough, you’d go for it without letting anything get in the way.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. The point being made is that I wasn’t listening much to Professor Ross’ explanation of their feud. Besides, I was set on my studies of John Reid and had done mind-maps, flow-charts, pages and pages of notes on his career. Rather successful career, in fact. 

“That being said, I will give you the next 15 minutes to discuss your findings with your fellow students. Get the inspiration flowing, my little protégés.”  
Hearing the class begin to mumble to one another, I turned to Emma, who was finishing up her mass of notes. 

“He’s in a scarily good mood today.” I stated when Emma had finished. “I don’t think I have ever seen him so… upbeat. He’s always been a boring old bastard.”  
Emma giggled, taking off her glasses and setting them on the table. “So, you met the guys yesterday?” Of course, this was going to come sooner or later. 

“I did. It was evident by the way I walked out the door and said ‘Emma, I’m going to Brian’s place to meet the boys, see you later.’” I rested my elbow on the table, tapping my pencil against my lips. My sarcasm was fluent. 

“Okay, sarcy. Were they nice to you?” 

Of course, they were nice to me. Man, they were more than nice, they were fucking welcoming.

“Yeah, they were alright.” I nodded. “They’re a nice group of lads.”

“I bet they were.” Emma said all too casually, wiggling her eyebrows at me, making my eyes roll. 

“Jesus, Emma, can’t you go a second without making something dirty? Come on, you know I wouldn’t shag someone I’ve only known for two days.” 

“Would you settle for three?” Emma raised her eyebrow quizzically, earning a shove from me.

“I think you’re confusing me with yourself, mate.” I laughed, shaking my head. “Speaking of, Roger was there.” I grinned. 

“Oooohhhh!” Emma squealed, earning some looks from other students. This was why we chose to sit at the back, in the corner and away from every other fucker in that room. “Tell me, are any of them single??” 

“By any of them, do you mean Roger? Because as far as I know, Roger isn’t exactly the relationship type.” To most girls, me especially, this response would have pierced a dagger right through my heart. But this actually made Emma’s grin wider.

“Really???” Her voice was high pitched now and she was way too excited about this.

“Well, I didn’t see any girls around and none of them had a ring on their finger so I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume they’re single. I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.”

“And Brian was there, right?” Emma asked. 

“Yes, Emma, they were all there.” I smiled. I would be a liar to say that I hadn’t thought about the kiss Brian gave me on the cheek the night before. It wasn’t even a big deal, nor should it have been made a big deal by me. But, fun fact, nobody had ever done that to me before, let alone an attractive guy. How do you expect me to react?

“Wow, you like that man.” 

“No, I do not! I hardly know the lad. I mean, yeah, he’s attractive. And he’s quite nice. And his voice is like soothing. But that’s it!” 

“That’s it? Maria, you just listed 99% of what makes him.” Emma said bluntly. 

“Why do you always push this on me? You know I don’t want a relationship and you know full well I’m terrified of that sort of stuff. And after this work experience is over, I probably won’t ever see him again. So, there’s no point in forcing this shit, Emma, so stop it.” I turned back forward, resting my head on my hand. 

“Do they all—”

“Right.” I started, turning around a bit more viciously than I intended, as I knocked some of my papers on the floor. “If you want to know more about them, I’m meeting them later. We’re going back to Brian’s place and we’re gonna do some business shit. Do you want to come with?”

I swear I’d never seen Emma’s eyes light up any more than they had done in that moment. “Are you playing with me, Maria? Because if you are, I’ll cry.” 

“Why would I joke about that? You’ll stop asking me questions finally.” Emma went for my arm, but I quickly dodged it. “So, you coming with me, or not?” 

“Yes, I’m coming with you, idiot! Are you sure they won’t mind?” 

“I don’t think they’d mind. They seem to like having more company.” I tilted my head to the side, once again thinking about Brian. Why is he always in my fucking mind?? He was just so soft and gentle, and he made me feel comfortable. Sometimes when I see someone, and they’re both attractive and nice… I tend to develop an infatuation for them. But I was determined not to let that happen with Brian. My business with them will be temporary, and so should our acquaintanceship. 

After class, Emma and I decided it would be a good idea to take a shortcut to our scheduled study hour. The lifts still weren’t back in operation and it was agonising for all students. There was an overcrowd of students with physical disabilities on the ground floor, blocking up quite a large section of the main corridor. 

The stairwell of the business and economics department of Imperial was completely blocked with people coming and going, some people starting to get trampled on, and some people deciding to just slide down the banister. 

“Um… I can’t be arsed with that.” Emma huffed, grabbing my hand and leading me over to the staircase to the science department. 

“Emma, hun, we’re going down. Not up.” I raised an eyebrow, my eyes scanning over all the posters of stuff I never understood in school and probably am never going to understand.

“Yeah, we can just use the staircase over here instead. Saves us going through the corridors.” 

I didn’t question her logic. It wasn’t like I had to be anywhere in particular at that very moment anyways. 

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Brian

I held my hands out and took the pile of books from Dr Porter. 

“Can you take them to the office, just put them on the desk.” His Scottish accent rang out, only just being able to register it. 

Obliging, I pushed the door open with my shoulder, steadying myself as I began my short walk to the science office. The grip on the bottom book became a bit loose, so I sped myself up ever so slightly. Why is there never anywhere to put books down when you need to?

My palms became sweaty, the glossy cover of the book slipping from my grip. The books did fall, unfortunately. But to my surprise, it wasn’t due to my weak grip on them all. I must have been too focussed on making sure they didn’t fall, that I walked right into someone as I swiftly turned a corner. I immediately lowered to pick them up.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” 

I recognise that voice.

I look up from my position, a smile instantly beaming across my face. “Maria!” She looked so guilty and she, too, kneeled down to pick them up. 

“I’m sorry, Brian, I should’ve looked where I was going.” 

“No, don’t be silly, I was probably carrying too many anyways.” I breathed through my teeth, shaking my head. 

She avoided looking at me as she helped me stack the remaining books. As she did, I looked up to see another girl stood there, a folder in her arms and her hair pulled back into a ponytail. I gave her a smile of a greeting and continued helping Maria. 

When she placed the books back in my hands, I managed to get a grip on more than one at the bottom of the pile this time. I looked back up at Maria and smiled at her. There was something so inviting about her; her dark hair that matched her dark eyes. Yet, not dark enough to be black. Just a deep toned brown. The best kind.

Noticing I was just staring, I cleared my throat, shaking my head. “So, uh… You still coming later?” I tried to make the tension a little less prominent, Maria’s friend shuffling a little at it. 

Maria nodded, showing her pearly white teeth as she smiled. “Yep. Which reminds me, where am I meeting you?” 

“Car park, I should imagine.” I shrugged, being too distracted by her voice. And that accent. 

“Do you drive?” She asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“No, I don’t. But Roger does.” I nodded, seeing her friend’s posture straighten before coughing what seemed to be intentionally. 

“Oh! Brian, this is Emma. She’s my roommate.” 

“Oh, well, it’s nice to meet you Emma. I would shake your hand but…” I chuckled, gesturing to the books in my hand. 

“It’s okay, don’t want you and Maria on your knees again.” This made Maria give Emma the side eye, trying my best to hold in a laugh. 

“Well, we should get going. Shouldn’t we, Emma?” Maria held onto her friend’s arm, smiling at her. 

“Oh yes, we have a study session.” Emma agreed, beginning to walk off. “Nice meeting you Brian.” 

Maria and I exchanged smiles, before she walked off also. I didn’t get very far when I heard her voice again, which I would of course answer to immediately. 

“Oh, Brian?” 

I turned around. “Yes?” 

“Is it okay if Emma comes with me tonight? She wants to meet you all.” 

“It should be okay. It’ll be a bit of uh… A bit of a squeeze in the car, though.” I hummed.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, thanks Brian!” Emma yelled from the other end of the corridor, earning an eyeroll from Maria, who I was still looking at.

When we started to part once again, I paused. I needed to just look at her face one last time before we saw each other later on. Hoping she hadn’t disappeared, I turned around again.

“Maria!” 

She turned around, her hair flicking with the movements of her head, the denim of her jacket rolled up to her wrists, the sleeves baggy enough to be considered a fashion statement. 

“I uh…” I didn’t know what to say to her. I just wanted to look at her again. 

Quick, make something up, Bri. 

“Can… Can I have your number or something?” I stuttered, but immediately regretted my question afterwards. We already have her fucking number… 

“Do you not already have it?” She asked, raising her eyebrow, that confused expression taking over her features. 

“Oh… Oh yeah. Forgot. Apologies.” I timidly said, licking my dry lips. 

“It’s okay. I’ll see you later, yeah?” Maria giggled, pushing it off as a funny accident.

“Yeah, see you later…” I trailed as she turned around and joined her friend at the end of the corridor. I watched as she walked around the corner. 

Wow, you’re an idiot, Bri.


	6. my hand on your grease gun

Chapter 6

We waited at that car park for a good half an hour after we should have been meeting. What is it with things being late this week? I thought, glancing at Emma, who was applying some lipstick. 

“Mate, you don’t wear lipstick, what are you doing?” I asked, leaning against the wall. 

She looked at me for a second, clearly trying to construct some type of an excuse. We both knew exactly why she was doing that. Roger. 

“Well, maybe I want to switch things up a bit, you know.” She answered in defence, her face almost dropping in anxiety, staring at something ahead of her. I followed her gaze. The boys were here. 

The three of them walking next to each other, like a group of backstreet boys or something. Freddie wore a red velvet jacket and black bellbottoms, obviously topped off with his platforms. He was such a fashionista. Roger wore blue bellbottoms, a striped button up shirt, and his hat. That weird hat. It did look good on him, I must say. The buttons weren’t fully fastened, so he made sure to leave a bit of chest showing. Emma clearly couldn’t take her eyes off of him as they all approached us.

Brian, on the other hand… His outfit was less flashy and gentler. Like him, I suppose. Everything was black apart from his shirt, which was also unbuttoned down to his lower chest. I’m not saying he didn’t suit the more generic look, he looked obviously handsome like he had the last three times I’d met him. 

Anyway, Emma was smitten with Roger the closer he got to us. She had to snap out of it, so I cleared my throat and nudged her subtly in the side, to which she shook her head and stood up straight. 

“Maria, darling, so good to see you again.” Freddie grinned, and pulled me in for a hug, which I accepted without argument. Brian shot a smile at me as I looked over Freddie’s shoulder. I smiled back, quickly dragging my gaze away from him. It was so easy to get lost staring at him. 

“Who’s this, then?” Roger asked me, but fixated his eyes on Emma, who was still leaning against the wall. 

“This is my friend, Emma. She’s my roommate. And…” I trailed off, mortified at the way she was looking at Roger, and the way Roger was looking at her. I swear they just eye-fucked each other. “Brian said she can come with me. She wanted to meet you all.” I finished, slightly uncomfortable. 

“Don’t be so shocked, darling, you should see the girls who hang around at our concerts.” Freddie shook his head, whacking Roger on the arm. “You driving, blondie?”

“I am indeed.” Roger answered, but I feel like it was more of an innuendo to him, as his eyes were still on Emma. I guess she didn’t have to worry about a first  
impression at this rate. 

“It’s going to be a bit of a squeeze, I’m afraid.” Brian let me and Emma know as we got to Roger’s car. 

“Emma and myself in the front, yeah?” Roger grinned, opening the passenger side and letting Emma slide in, himself hopping in the driver’s seat.

“Didn’t really have much of a choice.” I mumbled to Brian, who hummed in agreement, opening the back door for me to get in. Freddie had already got in at the other side. Great. Queen sandwich.

I squeezed into the back seat, being basically suffocated by the builds of Freddie and Brian on either side of me. I wasn’t necessarily slim, but it surely wasn’t uncomfortable. I did, however, feel a slight discomfort as I watched Emma in the passenger seat, eyes all over Roger. 

I could not deny Roger was gorgeous. But he was nothing more than a pretty boy to me – same old, same old. To Emma, however, he was a God. I had witnessed Emma develop infatuations for boys before, but each time ended in disappointment. I never forget the time one of Emma’s friends dated her ex – only a couple of weeks after the breakup, in fact. I forever despised anyone who hurt my best friend. And I couldn’t help but feel unsettled when picturing Roger being involved with Emma.

Anyway, I shuffled around, trying my best to make myself comfortable. After all, it was only a 15-minute drive back to the boys’ place. It seemed as if once we hit the road, we were halted at a red light instantly. That’s London. It gave Freddie time to mock Roger, much to my confusion. 

“You and this car, darling, you ought to get a new one. It’s falling to pieces.” Freddie complained, straining to roll the window down due to the lack of space in the back.

“Hey, I am never getting rid of this car. I don’t know what it is, but I’m attached to it. We’re like the same person!” Roger exclaimed ever so enthusiastically as he ran his fingertips over the steering wheel.

I rolled my eyes: typical boys, I thought, hoping to get Emma’s attention. But she was still so infatuated with Roger and his admiration for his automobile.

Brian cleared his throat, shuffling his legs to a position where they wouldn’t be completely pushed inwards, with him being so tall. “Honestly, Rog, it’s not such a bad idea to get a new car.” 

“No! I’m keeping this fucking car, if you all don’t like it, go buy yourselves one!” 

Jesus, he was so defensive.

“I think your car’s lovely, Roger.” Emma chimed, smiling at him, almost making him miss the green light. 

“Oh, uh – thanks, uhm… Emma.” He stuttered. “What a pretty name for a pretty girl.” It was like Roger completely forgot we were in the backseat. 

Brian sighed, shaking his head, causing me to look up at his reaction. I couldn’t help but chuckle. Roger flirting was clearly a regular occurrence. Surely Emma wouldn’t fall for something that cliché—

“Thank you so much!” Spoke to soon. “I love the name Roger. In fact…” Emma leant in a bit closer to the driver’s seat, us three in the back noticing his grip on the wheel stiffening. We are going to die.

“If I ever had a car, I’d call it Ro—”

“Emma!” I yelled from the backseat, causing her to fly back to her original position. “He’s driving. Save it for when you’re alone, yes?” 

I earned a laugh from Brian. I’d never heard him laugh properly. He lowered his head towards me and whispered. “Nobody has ever interrupted Roger with a girl before. Especially when they’re flirting like crazy. Thank you.” He gave me an impressed look, his hand patting my knee. I don’t know what it was, but my body completely stiffened when he did that. His hands were so big, yet so harmless. 

The rest of the car journey was more or less silent, apart from the occasional back and forth of normal conversation. I became accustomed to being squeezed between Brian and Freddie, although I found myself leaning more towards Brian. Nothing against Freddie, I just seemed to press my leg against Brian’s more. 

It probably meant nothing when Brian’s arm laid across the backseats. It just felt like he was putting his arm around me. And it was a protective gesture. And I liked it… But I shook the merest bit of attraction to Brian away, hoping for the car journey to soon be over. The Lord answered my prayer, as we pulled up outside their house. 

“John should already be here with a Yellow Pages book.” Freddie said to me, as we made our way down that alley towards their front door. 

Roger and Emma came inside a good ten minutes after us – God only knows what they were doing in that alleyway. John and I were sat next to each other on the sofa, scanning through the Yellow Pages book to find venues for the boys. Brian was seated on the armchair across the room and Freddie was once again looming over my shoulder, perched on the armrest of the sofa.

Roger trudged over to the only other empty space in their front room: the second armchair next to Brian. 

“Oh dear, there’s no other place to sit, Emma.” Roger grinned at her, to which she immediately blushed. This interaction grabbed all our attentions. “You better sit here, it’s the most comfortable seat in the house.” He sat back and gestured to his lap. Who was Emma to say no to that offer? 

Poor Brian look absolutely flustered as the two armchairs were dangerously close to each other. I gave him a look that said something along the lines of ‘what the fuck’ and he returned it, hiding a chuckle from the two lovebirds adjacent to him. 

Emma now on Roger’s lap, his arms wrapped around her waist, John cleared his throat and continued looking under ‘B’ in the book. 

“What about The Britannia?” I asked, pointing to its designated spot on the page. I looked up at Freddie for an answer. 

“How patriotic! Rather like us, wouldn’t you say?” He giggled, leaning over me and searching for a number on the page, to which the space was blank. “They couldn’t even leave a number.” He shook his head. “We’ll have to go down there ourselves and have a word.” 

"They’re a four-star pub, Fred.” Brian said, furrowing his eyebrows a bit. Was he actually anxious about this? 

“So is The Kings Head, darling.” Freddie corrected him. 

“We only got in there because you know the owner’s son.” Roger claimed, shooting Freddie a knowing stare. 

“There’s no denying that, dear.” He seemed proud of himself, looking down at me. “Remember, Maria, it’s not who you know, but who you sleep with.” 

“Might have to take you up on that advice, Fred.” Roger grunted into Emma’s ear, making her giggle. 

This is sickening to watch.

“They close at 9pm.” John started, moving the attention once again from the rabbits in the corner. “We have plenty of time to go and see them tonight. The sooner the better, anyways.”

Brian huffed and got up from his seat, standing 6ft 1” in front of us, making us all strain our necks to look up at him. “We have a problem.” He said quietly. 

“Which is what?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“We’ll have to use his car.” He gestured to Roger with his head. He was right. We weren’t going to get very far if Roger was so hooked on Emma in that moment. And he definitely didn’t seem like the type to let someone else use it for a while. 

“They’re closed on a Thursday; we can’t go tomorrow.” John shook his head. He obviously wanted to get this done as soon as possible.

Brian sighed; his eye being caught by something in the hallway as he paused to think. “We can still go tonight.” 

Freddie looked just as confused as I did. “Darling, you just said—”

“Rog, we’re going to go talk to some owner.” Brian said as he turned around, no answer coming from the blonde. “Are you coming with us?” 

Roger looked up at Brian finally, inhaling heavily as if he was thinking. His eyes flickered between us and Emma and he exhaled finally, with a bit of a groan. “Uh, nah. I think me and Emma will stay back. Get to know each other a little more, huh?” He looked at Emma, who was quick to nod her head in agreement. 

“Yeah, that seems like a good idea.” She played along with this bullshit story of staying back to get to know each other.

Brian didn’t seem shocked by his response, so when the two went back to flirting with one another, he pressed his finger to his lips, gesturing us to follow him into the hallway. We did so, still confused. 

“What are you doing?” I whispered to him, soon meeting him with a smile when he held up Roger’s keys, that were clumsily placed on the banister. 

Freddie and John soon caught on also, the three of them making their way outside. I stopped at the doorway of their front room one last time, looking at Roger and Emma. 

“Emma, are you going to be okay?” I said loud enough for her to hear me. She didn’t break her contact with Roger, but she did answer me thankfully. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Short, but at least it’s something. A bit like her.

“Don’t worry, Maria, I’ll take good care of her when you’re gone.” Roger had that fucking smile on his face, and I knew exactly what they’d be doing whilst we weren’t there.

Let the girl get pounded into a mattress, she deserves it. 

“Um, alright. Bye.” I mumbled, certain I wouldn’t get a response. So I just headed for the door, shutting it behind me. 

I walked towards Roger’s car, to see Brian in the driver’s seat and Freddie and John in the back seats. I slipped into the passenger seat and gave Brian a quizzical look.

“I thought you said you didn’t drive.” I challenged, sending him a playful smirk. 

He stuck the key in the ignition and twisted it, firing up the car after a few clumsy attempts. This man cannot drive, can he? 

“I have my permit.” Was all he said before he pushed down on the gas pedal, and we were soon on the road. 

“You have your permit? So you don’t have a licence?” I asked, slightly worried. I heard John laugh in the back. 

“Don’t worry, Maria, he’s driven us places many times when Roger was too drunk to drive back himself. He’s… he’s alright.” 

With that, I sat back, praying for two things: that Brian won’t kill us, and that Emma uses protection. 

That drummer will not hurt my friend, whether my life depends on it.


	7. scent of pine

Chapter 7

“Do we know where we are going?” Brian asked as we got on the road, flicking his eyes from ahead of him and back to me every now and then. 

“I think John wrote the address down…” I said, turning to him in the back. He raised his eyebrows and immediately looked guilty. 

“I was supposed to get the address?” He asked.

“John, darling, how are we supposed to know where we’re going if we don’t even have the address of the place?” Freddie huffed, waving his hand about. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Brian hushed them, moving one hand from the wheel and to the glove compartment in front of me, struggling to get it open without crashing. I grabbed his wrist and moved it away gently. 

“I got it.” I said, not paying attention to how his muscles stiffened when I touched him. I opened up the compartment and there laid a map. “Great, did anyone take orientation ever by any chance?” I asked sarcastically, unfolding it. Why are maps so complicated? 

“It’s upside down, Maria, dear.” Freddie corrected me, his face appearing besides me from the back. 

“How am I supposed to know? The whole thing looks like the human nervous system.” I mumbled, flipping it round and trying my best not to hit Brian in the face with it. I looked around us for any type of sign of whereabouts we were. “Oh, you need to take the second left up here. It’s more South of Kensington.” I pointed towards a junction in the distance.

I became the party’s guide. Being the one with the map gave me responsibility to make sure we got to The Britannia. Freddie and John started up their own conversation revolving around their game on scrabble when John won, leaving Brian and I to form a conversation of our own. 

“How old are you, Maria?” Brian finally broke the silence in the front of the car. 

“I’m 22.” I answered, but immediately furrowed my brows. “I don’t like saying that. I feel old.”

“Does that mean I’m ancient? I’m 25.” Brian retorted, giving me an offended look briefly. 

“I didn’t mean it like that… I just meant that it doesn’t seem that long since I was 18.” I looked ahead of us, watching all the other people around us. People watching was one of my favourite things to do. It made me wonder who we were and how we came to be like that. 

“I know the feeling. How long have you been doing your course at Imperial?” His voice was so soothing to me. I felt very much at ease in this conversation. 

“Oh, I’ve only been doing it for a year. I’m not that far into it.” I shook my head, looking down at the map. 

“How do you like it?” 

“It’s alright… You need to turn right here.” I pointed to the turn ahead of us. 

“Is it the career path you’re choosing? Because it’s brilliant that women are getting involved with business aspects of showbusiness. It’s a huge step forward to me, it really is.” Brian nodded, seemingly impressed with the thought. But I had to disappoint him, unfortunately. 

“Um, I don’t actually know what I want to do after uni, to be honest. I mean, I’ve always loved animals and taking care of them, but I don’t think my mum and dad would be too pleased about me doing something like that.” I laughed half-heartedly, wishing it was some type of joke.

“Why the hell not? It’s a wonderful thing to take care of wildlife and nature.” He exclaimed, passion dripping from his words. “What’s your favourite animal?” 

“I’ve always had a fascination with guinea pigs for some reason, I have no idea why.” I giggled, warmth flowing in my stomach as I finally got to talk about something I genuinely love with someone. “What about you?” 

“Well,” Brian started, inhaling deeply. “It often changes from hedgehogs to badgers, but any type of animal that’s endangered I can consider my favourite. All animals are amazing, and I love all of them. But there are some really underrated creatures out there that deserve love too.” He gave me a warm smile. I saw his eyes light up as he spoke. He really does love animals, doesn’t he? “Guinea pigs are cute, though.” He smiled and nodded. 

I grinned at him, before looking back down at the map. “We should be there after another two turns.” 

“I kept meaning to ask you. I couldn’t help but notice your accent, where abouts are you from?” He sounded genuinely interested in me. And in all honesty, I liked it. I never really made any friends while I was in London as I was focussed on the studies and I had Emma anyways. It was nice to have a normal conversation with someone different for a change. 

“I’m from Yorkshire. Couldn’t get any more common.” I joked, earning a laugh from Brian. 

“You’re not common. Not in the bad way, at least. What’s it like up there?” 

“It’s quieter. And I prefer being up there. No offense to down here, of course, I just… I feel more at peace back home.” 

“Why did you come to study down here then?” 

“My mum said it would give me opportunities if I moved to a city location.” I rolled my eyes, looking out the window to my left, spotting The Britannia in the distance. “It’s there.” 

When we parked upside it, my hand froze as it went to open the door. “Who’s talking to the owner…?” 

“You, darling, isn’t that part of your experience?” Freddie asked, hopping out the door. 

“Oh, yeah… Of course.” I took a deep breath and exited the car along with everyone else. 

I looked up at the pub as we pushed open the wooden door, the scent of beer and pork scratchings hitting my nose all at once. There weren’t many people indoors, which clearly worried Brian some bit as I saw by his face. His teeth were clamped around both his lips, eyes scanning the perimeters. 

I spotted the bar and I approached it, prepared to put my studies to the test practically. Behind it was a short, bald man, wiping out pint glasses and storing them back on the racks. I cleared my throat to get his attention, John joining me whilst Brian and Freddie stayed behind us, looking around. The man finally turned around, scanning over me and John and scrunching up his eyebrows. 

“You ain’t regulars, what do you want?” His strong West London accent went right through me. I wasn’t expecting him to be so rude. It threw me off, and John obviously caught onto that, so he interjected.

“We were just wondering if you are open to gigs, you know for local bands?” John patted my back in reassurance, as he could obviously sense my discomfort. 

“I don’t deal with business of the pub. The owner’s in the back, I can fetch him for you.” And with that, he disappeared round the back. 

Brian and Freddie approached us with quizzical looks. 

“He’s getting the owner.” I told them, my voice quiet and my confidence tainted a little. It can’t be that bad, Maria, just talk to them. 

Brian furrowed his eyebrows at me, keeping his gaze on me as the little bald man came back out, presenting a taller and bulkier man. “This is Oliver. He’s who you need to talk to for business.” And he left us with him. 

“What can I do for you?” Oliver asked, towering over all of us, even over Brian a little bit. 

“Um..” I started, clearing my throat. “We were j-just wondering if you were open to book any acts for bands, like, locally?” I felt my palms become sweaty, and my vision becoming blurred. Everything around me cancelled out and it was just me and this overpowering man. 

“What’s in it for us, sweetheart?” He folded his arms, and I felt my chest become tighter. I didn’t know this man, I didn’t know what he wanted, and I didn’t know how he took business deals. What am I supposed to say to that? 

I licked my drying my lips, swallowing hard as I tried to take a deep breath, but it just came out as a shallow huff. I can’t deal with this…

“Maria, darling, are you alright?” I heard Freddie behind me, making me more nervous, knowing that they were waiting on me to get them a deal. I could feel Oliver judging me. God, I’m making such a dick out of myself. I felt my legs begin to lose strength, and I swear I could have collapsed any minute. I had to get out of there.

Without any other word, I spun around and rushed as quickly as I could out of the pub, standing face towards the white wall outside. I leant my head on it, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to regain my breath. I was flustered, my head was hot, and tears began to stream down my face unmercifully. 

That’s when I felt a hand on my back, pulling me round gently. The three of them all looked utterly concerned, not really sure what to do. 

“What’s the matter?” 

“What’s wrong?”

“What happened?” 

I put my hand over my mouth, once again trying to regain my breath. I fucking hated public panic attacks. There was too much space around me, I felt overwhelmingly vulnerable. Anything could get me at that moment. I was uncovered from the hands of evil. So, I did what I had always done in times of that.

I held an arm out, signalling for someone to pull me into an embrace, my face drowned in my tears. I found my solace, when someone wrapped their arm around me and pulled me into their chest. I buried my head into his clothes, soon noticing by the pine scent that it was Brian. 

I absolutely drenched his jacket and shirt with my tears, but the embrace and comfort from it did calm me down. His other hand stroked my hair, his mouth hushing me to calm down. He seemed very experienced with this. 

My hands continued to shake as I slowly pulled away after a few minutes, Brian’s arm still wrapped round me loosely. I turned my head to look at Freddie and John, who still looked concerned. I wiped away tear stains on my face and gave the three of them a little smile. 

“I’m okay…” I whispered, nodding my head and taking a refreshing, deep breath. “I’m sorry.” 

“Oh, don’t be sorry, darling, we shouldn’t have pushed you to talk like that.” Freddie shook his head immediately, rushing over to me and handing me a handkerchief, which I graciously took. 

“If we had known, we wouldn’t have—” Brian started, squeezing my shoulder. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s okay…” I repeated, partially to myself as well. “Thank you.” I said to all of them, but primarily smiled at Brian. 

“Do you want Brian to drive you back home? We can’t expect more from you tonight, Maria.” John shook his head. 

I did contemplate going back in the pub, for a split second. But I knew that as soon as I walk back in there, the very same would happen again. And I couldn’t bare making myself look like an idiot for the second time. So, I just stood there, wrapping my denim jacket more around me, looking down and nodding my head, agreeing with John’s offer. 

Without saying another word, John and Freddie both gave me a hug and said their goodbyes, once again apologising for the situation, even though it was in no way their faults. 

“Are you going to wait here, and should I come back?” Brian asked, getting Roger’s keys out of his pocket. 

“We’ll be here, darling. Make sure she gets home alright.” Freddie answered, shooting me a warm smile. 

I got around to the passenger seat of the car, sliding in. As soon as I shut the door, I leant against it, my enthusiasm deflated. Brian didn’t attempt to make any type of conversation as we started driving once again. In fact, it was 10 minutes before either of us decided to talk. 

“Does that happen a lot?” Brian’s voice was limited to a mutter loud enough for me to hear. 

“Yes.” I simply answered truthfully. 

And that was it for the rest of the journey. 

Brian did, however, walk me up to mine and Emma’s flat. We were walking down the hallway with the different numbers. 

“This is me.” I gestured to the number 8, our walking halted. I turned to Brian and sighed deeply. “I’m really sorry. I’ve not been any help to you at all.” I sniffed a little, my nose slightly blocked from crying earlier on. 

“Please don’t apologise. You can’t help it.” Brian spoke softly, putting his hand on my arm, rubbing slightly. “Don’t doubt yourself, we’re all grateful we have someone we can work with. It feels better to know that someone else thinks we have potential.” 

I raised an eyebrow at him, stifling a little laugh. “And when did I say that?” 

“Oh, um, you didn’t but I just thought…” 

“Calm down, I’m joking. You definitely have potential. All of you do.” I smiled, unlocking my door. 

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” He was so concerned. 

“Yes, I’ll be okay. I’ll just listen to some records and lay down.” Shrugging, I stepped inside, turning to face Brian. 

“Well, call me. If you ever… Need to talk to someone.” Brian said, before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on my cheek once again. But this time, it didn’t make me embarrassed. It sent a warm, fuzzy feeling inside my stomach; something I had never felt before. “Bye.” And with that and one more smile, he walked away down the corridor and soon went out of sight. 

Brian is certainly something, I thought to myself as I shut the door, now in my safe place. 

Well, one of them.


	8. poodle

Chapter 8

Another mouthful of cornflakes, another minute closer to 9am. 

I multitasked that morning. I carried that bowl around the flat, consuming spoonfuls of the cornflakes, seeking out my notes for the day’s lecture, whilst also thinking about Emma and if she was okay. I felt I had totally neglected her the night before, purely because I forgot she was back at Brian’s place after he’d dropped me off. 

The least I could have done is call up and check on her. 

Apologising was just a habit for me. I couldn’t not say sorry in the slightest situations. That reminds me, I probably should have apologised properly to Brian, or even thanked him for his gracious gesture back at the pub. Nobody, apart from Emma, had tended to my attacks like that. 

With that in mind, I headed for the phone in the hallway, placing my bowl of cereal on the unit. I had, shamelessly, cello taped Brian’s number onto my wall, right next to the phone. Of course…It was for business purposes…

I couldn’t hold back the little smile on my face as the phone rang out distantly. I was almost positive that nobody was going to answer until I heard a crackling and a soft ‘hello’ from the other side.

“Brian,” I knew it was him. “It’s Maria.” 

I heard him smile on the other side, his voice quickly perking up. “Maria. Hello, love, how are you doing?” 

“I’m doing a lot better, thank you. I’m just calling to apologise again. I feel really bad for leaving you all hanging on that one…” I trailed off, huffing out a laugh.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to apologise until it’s drilled into that brain of yours?” He chuckled.

“Quite a lot, I’m a hard person to convince.” I smirked into the phone, proud of myself mentally for being able to feel so comfortable around someone new. Even though Brian wasn’t really that new.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He stated with a small chuckle. “But truly, you don’t have to ever apologise for something of that nature, Maria, it honestly isn’t anything you can help. Besides, we managed to get ourselves in at The Britannia, so we didn’t miss out on an opportunity. So please, I’m begging you to stop worrying yourself over this. Please.” 

Perhaps he’s right, I thought, sighing deeply into the phone, probably blowing Brian away at the other end. Running my hand over my face, I leaned against the wall, my finger tangling itself in the telephone wire. 

“Fine…” I mumbled, looking down at the mess I made with my finger and the wire. “How did you get in?” 

“It turns out that they needed their speaker system fixing, and John studies electrical engineering, so… Put two and two together, you have yourself a business deal.” 

“You lot are seriously interesting.” I mumbled, shaking my head and earning a chuckle from Brian. “Well, I’m glad you got something out of last night. If you won’t let me apologise, at least let me thank you for being like you were. You really helped.” 

“I think it’s only fair that I help a friend in need in their most distressed moments.” He said with a slight tinge of humour, but still evident that he meant his words. “You are my friend, aren’t you?” 

“Yes, I’m your friend.” I laughed, nodding my head. “But, I’ll be your dead friend if I don’t make it to this lecture on time. Sorry to cut a nice one short but, like, I have to be in class at nine. Precisely.”

“You better sprint to that lecture, love, it’s ten to now.” 

“Cheeky bastard, I can walk quick enough."

“Okay, okay, I apologise. Go to your lecture. I’ll see you around somewhere, okay?” 

“Okay,” I started to put the phone down, but quickly pressed it back to my ear. “Brian??” 

Hearing a distant ‘oh’ from the other end, the phone crackled once more. “Yes?” 

“Is Emma alright? I’m assuming she stayed the night?” 

“She’s fine, she’s still asleep I think.” There was a tinge of reassurance, my worries about my best friend being alleviated.

“Oh, okay. Thank you. For everything.” What the fuck? “I mean, for telling me and stuff, I was getting worried.”

“I understand. Now go to your class, you’re going to fail.” He joked.

A laugh bubbled through my mouth. “I should be so lucky.” I mumbled, seeing the irony in his words. “Bye, Brian.” 

And with that, I pressed the phone back into the cradle on the wall, my eyes traveling down to my cornflakes that were now completely soaked and soggy. Nope. I left my bowl on the side, next to the sink, deciding I didn’t have time to sort it out. With that, I slipped on my denim jacket, picked up my bag and headed out the door, locking it behind me before I walked off. 

// 

It felt really empty in that lecture. The air around us was a lot cooler than usual, the windows fogged up with condensation, everyone wearing some type of thick jacket or coat, and more importantly, the chair next to me was empty. Emma still hadn’t shown up to lecture, and it was unusual for her not to show up. 

I chewed the end of my pencil, Professor Ross’ words going straight through me as I gazed out the window the best I could, though I couldn’t really see much. See, Professor Ross was extremely biased when he taught us. He loved Allen Klein, so he was determined to drill him into our heads every lecture. He’d go on a 40-minute anecdote about how he once met him and how it completely altered his life for the better. However, I’d already decided who my rival project was going to be based on, so my intentions for lecture was purely to distract myself; to give myself something to do.

The thick book in front of me was concentrated with amazing people, but my priorities were of course John Reid and his rival Don Arden. I’d found an older Jerry Lee Lewis vinyl back at the flat the night before and I just had to know who his manager was. His name was everywhere. He must have someone strong managing to be a man of that calibre. 

Snapping me out of my thoughts, I heard the empty chair next to me scrape along the floor, as though it was being dragged along the floor. I turned my head from the window to look in the direction of the sound. 

“I feel… Like shit.” 

“Good morning to you too, Emma.” I raised an eyebrow, mumbling back and taking her bag off of her and setting it on the table. Once she was sat down, I leaned into her, whispering. “You could’ve told me you weren’t coming home.” 

“Sorry, mum, I didn’t realise I had to tell you everything.” She put her hand in her head, groaning. 

“Oh my God… Are you drunk?” 

“Hangover, Maria.” Her voice was muffled in her hand, but she lifted her head and looked straight at me, her eyes black and her hair a mess. “I have a hangover.”

I just shook my head at her. Not in an angry way, it was more of a ‘yes, obviously’ fashion. But then I got a good look at her, my eyes wandering over her before scrunching up my eyebrows in confusion. 

“Emma…” 

“What?”

“Is that Roger’s sh—”

“Miss Brennan and Miss Audsley.” 

Both of our heads snapped to the front of the room, where Professor Ross was staring straight at us. 

“Can you listen please? I don’t appreciate being talked over.”

Earning a few awkward glances from other members of the lecture, Professor Ross turned away from us, but not before adding, “I’ll talk to you both afterwards, I’m not wasting my lecture time on you two.” 

I sighed heavily, side-eyeing Emma. She had her head completely laid on the table, her bag fallen on top of it to cover it up. I won’t disturb her, I thought. The poor girl clearly needed a rest. 

// 

I packed my textbook and my notepad into my bag, hurling it over my shoulder as I walked to the front of the room, Emma sloppily following behind me. 

“I understand it’s difficult to concentrate in the cold weather, girls. But that doesn’t stop you both from talking relentlessly at the back of my room. If I had it my way, the cold would freeze your jaws up so you can’t open your mouths even if you wanted to.”

I raised an eyebrow, mentally debating whether or not to pull him up on his misconduct. Surely, he’s not allowed to say that. But, I didn’t say anything of that nature.

“Sorry.” Was all I said. I couldn’t be bothered with much else. He was an arsehole Professor and he didn’t deserve more than one word from me. Except my ten-thousand-word dissertation, but that’s besides the point. 

“Do you both understand that we cannot afford to keep students in this University who refuse to absorb any of the information we give you?” He continued, disregarding my apology. 

“We understand perfectly, Sir.” Emma piped up, finally, her hands folded over her chest. This attracted the attention of Professor Ross, as his face contorted in disgust at Emma’s attire.

“I’m aware we’re not Oxford, Miss Audsley, but if you’d be so kind as to sort yourself out, it would be much appreciated by me and every other male in Imperial.”

“I could say the same to you and the females in Imperial.” Emma retorted, under her breath but not exactly unheard. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Apology accepted, can we go now?” Emma was growing impatient. And hungry. This wasn’t a good sign.

It seemed as if we’d caught Professor Ross on a good day, believe it or not, when he just sighed and ran his hand over his head. “Yes, you can go. But I don’t want to have to do this again.” 

I nodded at him, turning to leave but I was soon pulled back in again by the sound of his dreadful voice. “Not you, Maria, I need to ask you a question.” 

I looked at Emma, who smiled her best at me, gesturing to the hallway. “I’ll be waiting out here.” 

Professor Ross took his seat at his desk, gesturing for me to sit at the chair in front of it. I felt like I was in the same meeting I met the boys at.

“How’s the work experience going?” His eyes pierced right through into my soul. There was no way I could tell him the truth and complain; he would single-handedly get me thrown off the course, therefore out of Imperial altogether and there was not a chance in hell that I would go back home if my life depended on it. 

“It’s fine. Great, even.” I forced a smile, nodding my head. “Got them in at The Britannia already.” I skimmed over what Brian told me on the phone. 

“The Britannia? Impressive stuff, Maria.” He nodded, seemingly genuinely impressed. 

“Yeah… I’m not completely useless, it seems.” I stifled a chuckle, playing with my fingernails, the black polish chipping away slowly.

“You’re not useless, Maria.” He shook his head. For once, I thought he was going to be a supportive mentor. Like he’s supposed to be. “Quite the opposite, actually.”

“What, I’m useful?” I scrunched up my eyebrows. 

“Precisely.” He stood up, going towards the door and opening it, gesturing for me to leave. “Because of you, I don’t have to manage that ridiculous dental student. Or that uncomfortably feminine art student. Or that dry, scrawny astrophysics student.” He shook his head, seemingly disgusted at their choice of courses. 

I could ignore his digs at Roger. I could ignore his digs at Freddie. But the last one got me. 

As I made my way out the door, I turned around quickly. “Have you ever tried astrophysics?” 

Professor Ross raised a suspicious eyebrow at me. “No, I have not.” 

I narrowed my eyes, as though I was examining him, slowly nodding my head before quickly adding, “Thought not.” And walking away, Emma running behind me. 

“Before you ask, yes this is Roger’s shirt.” She rambled when we got a good few flights down the stairs. 

“And those are the same jeans.” I added, smirking at her. “Come on, spill.” I humoured her through, another smirk spreading on my lips. “What was the boy like in bed?” 

“Maria, he was fucking incredible!” She lifted her hand as if she was praising the Lord or something… She was that desperate. “Like, he knew just what to do.”

I just smiled at her, happy she finally got the lay she deserved. “Are… you going to see him again?” I asked, prolonging the question by leaning into her and nudging her side. 

“Maybe… He didn’t say anything about that.” 

“Don’t you worry, Mrs Taylor, you will have your little drummer boy. I’ll make sure he sees you again, he’s not leaving my best friend high and dry.” Grinning, I gave Emma an encouraging look.

“Thank you.” Her worried expression softened as it was now her turn to smirk suspiciously. She leaned into me, whispering in my ear. “I came seven times last night,” before bursting out into a fit of giggles. 

I rolled my eyes as we made it to the ground floor. “I did not need to know that, hun.” 

“Well I did! He was amazing!” She got more and more excited the more she spoke about him. 

God, she’s smitten… 

“Yeah, but…” I stopped us both on the way to the cafeteria. “Seven times? That’s a bit excessive.” I laughed, shaking my head. 

“Maybe it wasn’t seven… But it was definitely more than three.” 

Our conversation about Roger’s talents died out as we found a table, situating ourselves as far away from everybody else. The quieter, the better. For me, anyways.  
It took 15 minutes to get halfway through our chips, with us getting a large portion, before Emma decided she was going to go back to the flat and freshen up before spending the afternoon studying like we usually did on a Thursday. 

I was lost and distracted, scanning over the words in the textbook splayed out in front of me, my hand slowly feeding myself with the chips left over. I was totally in my own world. 

That was until I felt a presence next to me, the chair scraping on the ground. I lifted my head, and I’m pretty sure my eyes lit up when I saw it was Brian taking a seat next to me. 

“Hello.” I said, a smile beaming on my face. 

“Hello to you too.” He returned the smile, facing me in his chair. “Just wanted to double check on you, I guess… Just to uh, make sure you are definitely okay.” His eyes bore into mine, the comfort seeping through his gaze. 

“Yeah… I’m okay. I come down from these things very quickly, Brian, you don’t need to worry about me.” I smiled, shaking my head. 

“Alright, well…” He shifted a bit in his seat, clearing his throat. He definitely looked more or less uncomfortable, or more like something was brewing. I glanced down at my textbook. “Maria…” 

I quickly looked back up at him. “Yeah?” 

“Do you, uh… Are you doing anything after you’re finished for the day?” 

My eyes shifted, swallowing a bit. “No, I don’t think so…” I trailed off.

“Do you want to, uh, do anything? I mean, I don’t know, it’s stupid. We could just chat or something…” He had a hopeful glint in his eyes. How could I say no to that? 

“Uhm...” I bit down on my lips, in thought. There’s no harm in it, Maria, it’ll be nice to do something different. “Yeah, alright. We can do.” Nodding, I gave him a soft smile. 

He let out a huge breath, laughing through it, almost relieved at me for my response. “Great! There’s a coffee shop not far from here, do you want to go there?”

“I mean, I don’t really have any money.” I nervously giggled. “But we can—”

“I’ll pay. It’s no worry.” He was almost trying to convince me. 

“If you’re sure… Yes, we can go there.” 

“Great, good, good…” He nodded, a natural smile now plastered on his face. “Well, I better be off, I have a lecture in a few.” 

“That’s fine. You better sprint.” I smirked at him, teasing him from this morning. 

“I can get there, don’t you worry.” He smirked back, standing to his feet, causing me to look up at him. 

“That’s only because you have long legs, poodle head.” I don’t know where that came from, but it just… came out. I was definitely comfortable with this man to be able to playfully take the piss out of him.

“Shut up.” He shot back, turning to leave but swinging himself back round, clicking his fingers. “Oh! Roger wants his shirt back, by the way.” 

“I’ll let his wife know.” I grinned. 

“Thank you very much, I’ll see you later, Ria.” He said, before walking away and out of the cafeteria. 

I couldn’t help but shiver at the name. Whether it was in a good way or not, I don’t know. But I hadn’t heard that nickname in years.

So, I made my way to the library, finding a comfortable spot for Emma and I to do our studies. But I doubt I’d be able to concentrate too much on the work at hand. And whether or not I could call what was coming a date or not circled my mind and took priority over anything else. 

I guess some people tend to take over your mind more than others.


	9. gonna get wet

9 ~ gonna get wet ~

Yes, Emma teased me for minutes on end about my plans with Brian. Yes, she made assumptions like the horny little bitch she was. She even brought up when we ran into him in the corridor that one time, saying how he gave me the look. You know... that look. Though I knew Emma was being excessive, I humoured her through her suspicions.

But the real arduous task of the day was trying to make myself look less of a mess. There I was, stood in front of the mirror in the girls' toilets, analysing the mess in front of me. My cheeks were slightly reddened, my mascara had started to smudge under my eyes, my hair wasn't in its straight form I had put it in that morning and my concealer had worn off. I grimaced at the sight: blemishes on my chin, one on my left cheek and some spots breaking out also on my chin.

That's when a group of girls waltzed in, almost not even noticing me as they too stood in front of the mirror. I couldn't help but envy their style. Their efforts to look flawless all day. They carried brushes around with them, their entire make up bags etc... I didn't understand how they had the mental capacity to bother about their looks 24/7. And I didn't care much for their superficial efforts. But for that moment in time, I wanted nothing more than to be like that also.

My eyes travelled down the mirror, taking in the girl next to me. She was wearing a yellow long-sleeved button up, tied at her waist, whilst her blue shorts allowed her to show her body off in all the right places. It made me retract. I took a look at myself in the mirror. I did not like what looked back at me.

I, too, was wearing a button up. But it was nowhere near as fashionable; it was ¾ length on the arm, no pattern at all, and was tucked into my jeans. Yes, jeans. Not shorts. Though, I wouldn't wear shorts in 11-degree weather anyhow. But my jeans didn't do much for my self-esteem. They hugged around my hips, the little extra weight I had round there slightly prominent to anyone who looked. They got a bit more comfortable as they flared out at the bottom, not too much, but enough to not suffocate my calves and ankles. My trainers were battered, dirty and fairly worn out. And to top off my amazing fashion choices, I wore my oversized denim jacket that covered everything up to perfection. The sleeves totally covered up my arms and hands.

Just the way I liked it.

"Can I help you?" The high-pitched whine of one of the girls' voices rang through my ears but snapped me out of my rather depressive trance.

"S-sorry..." I mumbled, pushing past her friends and leaving the toilets as quickly as I could.

Way to make yourself look like a dickhead again, Maria...

I was slightly distraught after that encounter, so I didn't really realise when I'd bumped right into Brian, mumbling another 'sorry' and continuing to walk.

"Maria?" He called back to me, and I turned around to see him with a confused expression on his face.

"Oh God, I'm sorry." I let out an airy giggle, taking a deep breath and making my way towards him. "You uh... You ready to go?"

"Yeah, yeah... I was just coming to find you. Are you okay?" He walked closer to me, putting his arm on my shoulder.

"What? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine." I shook it off, nodding my head and putting on a smile. Just ignore how you look, Maria... "Should we get going?"

"Absolutely." 

//

"Where abouts in Yorkshire are you from, Maria?" Brian broke our silence as we were sat opposite each other, by the window of the small coffee shop around the corner.

"The North. Like... Near Leeds." This earned a laugh from Brian, causing me to raise an eyebrow. "What you laughing at?"

"Nothing," He said through his laugh, covering his mouth and going to sip his coffee to hide it. "Just... Your accent."

"What about it?" I smirked, sipping at my black coffee.

"It's just..." Brian tried to think of what to say, his eyes darting around as though he was scanning his brain. "I like it." He said softly, looking right at me.

"Thanks." I giggled, feeling slightly giddy at his compliment. Something about him made me giddy generally.

Brian sipped at his own coffee, eyes once again bouncing around. That's when I noticed them properly. Those hazel beauties dancing around the room. His curls fell on his shoulders, the padding on his jacket complimenting his shape. I'd not taken the time to really look at any of the boys. But now, sat in front of him, Brian looked more and more attractive every second I let my own eyes wander over him.

"Where are you from, Mr Astrophysicist?" I asked softly, tilting my head to the side.

"I am from Feltham." He rested his arms on the table.

I gave him a quizzical look, looking down as I was trying to figure out where that was. "Um... Where's that?"

"Middlesex, love. Didn't you do geography in school?" He laughed.

"For like two years, don't remind me." I sighed with a smile on my face to let him know I wasn't actually irritated by his mention of geography. "I dropped that shit as soon as I had the chance."

"How come?"

"Because I was so bad at it." I cringed at memories of my high school days, before letting out a laugh. "I was one of those people who did drama and creative writing. Not much of an academic, I'm afraid."

"It's not a bad thing. The world needs more creativity and less hot-headed, stone-cold academics."

I just stared at him. "You just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Kind of."

"Yeah..."

We just sort of looked at each other for a good few seconds. I didn't like the silence very much, so I cleared my throat, trying to make as much noise as I could. "Do you read, Brian?"

"Of course I read! Who doesn't love a good book? I especially love Steppenwolf. By Hermann Hesse."

"I can't say I've heard of it." I shook my head, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear that was getting in the way of my vision.

"Oh it's brilliant. It's a bit philosophical, but I love that sort of stuff, you know, finding out deeper meanings of stuff that we overlook every day." It was clear that Brian had a passion for this, and I loved seeing his eyes light up as he spoke about something he loved himself. "Sorry I'm rambling, do you read?"

"No, no, don't apologise. Umm... Yeah, I read a bit. But I don't really read fiction, to be honest. I prefer real life stuff. History, politics, dark stuff." I shrugged, gulping some of my coffee again. "I like seeing what we've gotten through to get where we are now. As a planet."

"I like you, Maria. You've got a certain fizz to you that transcends the stereotype of a young adult female."

"Fizz?" I asked, giggling slightly.

Brian shot a smile in my direction. "Yes, a fizz. That's what I like to call personality. You have an actual personality and not a... Brand."

I pondered over his words, soon realising that was in fact the case. I was never interested in making myself seem something other than what I was. The idea of being attractive to everyone all the time didn't appeal to me one single bit. But, I didn't say anything like that to Brian, I just smiled warmly, somehow comforted by his description of me.

"Thank you..." I spoke quietly, but not quiet enough so he couldn't hear me. For a moment, I did get completely lost in that boy's eyes. Cliché, I'm aware, but it was so easy to do so. My efforts of keeping our relationship strictly business and work-related were slowly being chipped away each time I saw him. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to loosen up, let go a little... "How long have you known Roger, John and Freddie?" I broke the silence dawning on us once again.

"Boy, I've known Roger for a good few years now. We used to actually play in a different band with our old mate, Tim. It was called Smile, but we weren't really going anywhere. For a while it was just me and Roger, but Freddie soon took over Tim's job as vocalist. We knew Fred anyways, he always hovered around. He and Roger have had a market stall in Kensington for a couple years. And John, we only met last year after we tried out many different bassists, but he was the one that really stuck with us."

I listened to their story, slowly nodding in appreciation. "I think you all sound amazing together. I meant it when I said I think you have potential... I don't think I've ever heard music like it."

"Thank you, Maria, that means a lot. That reminds me, it's Friday tomorrow!" His eyes lit up and once again, that grin spread across his face excitedly, lifting his coffee and finishing off his cup.

"Meaning....?"

"We're at The King's Head again. Every Friday, remember?"

"Oh shit, yeah, sorry." I laughed, mirroring his smile. "Do you want me to come?"

He immediately retreated back to that shyness I'd noticed throughout the time knowing him. "You don't have to... But I'd love it if you did."

"Of course I want to!" It was my turn to get excited now. "I can bring Emma and she can give Roger his shirt back."

Brian laughed, shaking his head. "Those two really get along well, don't they?"

I laughed, almost choking on the last of my coffee. "They definitely do." 

//

We found ourselves walking back to my flat, the wind super cold against my skin. October wasn't pleasant in the UK. The odd discarded newspaper page wrapped around my ankle, soon flying off behind us as we walked. You could feel the break of rainfall, raindrops very light and inconsistent on my face. I wrapped my jacket around me, folding my arms up over my body, my green bag hanging off my shoulder limply. Brian was covered up by a simple white coat, the length long, complimenting his lanky frame.

We were very much focussed on getting to my flat, so we didn't really exchange many words. That was until I spotted a small brown creature, shuffling along the gutter, soon to be a victim to nature's wrath of rainfall. I gasped and whacked my hand against Brian, halting both of us. I moved my hand to point in the direction of the mysterious creature in the gutter.

"Is that... a hedgehog?"

My whisper must have spoke in screams to Brian, as he gasped like I did, but rushed towards the poor thing, kneeling down. "Oh no... Poor guy... He's going to get soaked."

I followed him, moving my hair out of my face and also crouching down beside him. "We should move him. It's not safe on the road." I furrowed my eyebrows, looking at the defenceless animal clambering its way along the gutter, becoming panicked and turning around again. It did briefly try to climb up the curb, but it gave up and just stood there.

To my joy, Brian nodded his head and slowly reached out, gently grabbing at the spiky creature and pulling it up into his arms, removing it from the wet gutter. I approached him with the hedgehog in his arms, getting a good look at its face as Brian stroked its back with the back of his finger. It whipped its head up and looked at Brian, the black eyes wide and sparkling with thankfulness.

"Where's your family, little one?" Brian asked the hedgehog, his voice at a slightly higher pitch as though he was cooing at a baby. "Hm?" He continued to stroke him, their noses nuzzling closely. I couldn't help but just stare in awe at Brian's approach to animals; it was adorable.

"It's okay, we're going to put you back in your home, don't you worry, baby." He smiled at the hedgehog, looking up at me and smiling wider before scanning the area. "There's not really anywhere around here where he'll be safe..."

I frowned, biting on my lips sadly. But then, I remembered. "Brian, there's a garden that belongs to the council in my block of flats. There's some hedges and a fountain and stuff. I think... Maybe he'll be happy there." I looked down at the cuddly animal, lifting my own hand and stroking my fingertips over its snout. "Hello... Me and poodle-head are going to find you somewhere safe to live." I was now cooing at it.

"Will you stop calling me that? Fred already calls me that too much." Brian pouted playfully, still stroking the hedgehog. "We can take him to the garden. If you're nearby, he'll be safe. It's not near any roads is it?"

"No... No roads. It's in the centre, so... I think he'll like it." I was now whispering, smiling down at the animal. But that's when it started shivering, and my eyebrows furrowed harshly. Brian's face completely dropped, and he was now filled to the brim with concern.

"Oh no, don't shiver, you'll be warm soon." Brian passed me the hedgehog, its small bit of body heat feeling cuddly against me. I looked up at Brian. He was removing his coat, folding it up a couple of times before taking the hedgehog once again, wrapping it up so only its eyes and snout wasn't covered.

"Brian, you're gonna get wet." I scrunched up my eyebrows.

"Who cares? I just want this little guy to be warm. He's more vulnerable than we are." He shrugged, bringing the creature close to his body. "Let's go before the rain gets worse." 

//

"There you go, little one, go get covered up." Brian whispered as he put down the hedgehog on the grass, right next to the hedge. It sniffed around a bit, clearly trying to get used to his new surroundings before he scurried off into the hedge. Brian and I stood back up, smiles plastered on our faces.

The rain had picked up quite a bit now, so Brian had to hold his coat over his head as we both rushed inside. Thankfully, the lift was working, so we took that method rather than walking up to the fourth floor of my building. We soon found ourselves in the same position as the night before. He was seeing me off, myself standing in front of my door.

However, we were a lot closer than we were the previous time.

"I had a really good time with you." He spoke softly, his eyes wandering over my face.

"I had a good time too. I needed it. Even if it was just coffee... It was relaxing." I smiled back, looking down. But I was soon made to look back up when I felt Brian's hand holding my chin, his thumb going up to my cheek. He gently swiped across just under my eye.

"Eyelash..." He mumbled but didn't remove his hand.

Silence once again dawned on us. But this time, it wasn't awkward, and it wasn't uncomfortable. It was soothing. Just being in each other's presence. It was nice. I lifted my hand and held onto his wrist, keeping his hand where it was. His hand was soft, but strong. The guitarist's thumb once again glided over my cheek, but not for any specific reason. I leaned my back against the door, now at peace with this situation.

That's when he started leaning in.

My heart started racing, and for a moment I panicked. However, I soon found myself flying backwards as my door opened, Brian clinging onto my arm to stop me from falling on the ground.

I spun around, seeing Roger and his eyes widening. His face was flushed red and his hair was a slight mess. "Oh, Maria." His eyes widened even more when he looked behind me. "Brian." He stuttered, looking behind him and swallowing. "I was just leaving..." And he shoved past us, disappearing down the corridor.

The moment between Brian and I was completely ruined. But perhaps it was for the best.

He cleared his throat, instantly looking once again embarrassed and awkward. "I'll uh... I'll see you tomorrow, yes?"

"Yeah... I'll see you tomorrow." Our voices had reduced to fragility, the silence surrounding us now thicker and a lot more unpleasant.

This time, I wasn't left with a kiss on the cheek. He just gave me an awkward smile and walked off down the corridor, throwing his jacket on.

Well, that could have ended better...


	10. council estate hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *potentially triggering content, please read at your own discretion*

10 ~ council estate hands ~ 

It was Friday again. And that meant it was student night. Like the week before, Emma and I were singing along to our favourite songs once again. We had listened to Led Zeppelin on repeat for about an hour when I suggested we listened to the new Jackson 5 record.

"Why do you like them so much?" Emma asked, coating mascara on her eyelashes.

"I don't know, their music is so light-hearted. It's easy to sit and listen to." I shrugged, applying the third coat of mascara, my eyelashes well and truly volumized. This was one of the only times I actually wore a full face of make-up: when we were going out. I seriously went all out – eyeliner, bronzer, everything. But I made sure to make it look extra nice that nice.

It was just fact that Northern girls scrubbed up better than Southerners. Fucking shoot me, but we didn't have time to do a full face of make-up just to walk the dogs. When we got ready, we got ready.

Whilst my mascara dried, I went over to the small case on top of Emma's piano (yes, she had a piano. Hence why she was a broke bitch). I pulled out the Jackson 5 record I saved up to buy a week before, admiring the artwork on the cover of it. It was their new studio album 'Lookin' Through the Windows'. I especially loved their Marvin Gaye cover of 'Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing'.

After I put it on and the music started playing, I smiled to myself, wandering back over to the mirror, readying my bronzer. I contoured my face in the right places, making my face look slimmer than it actually was.

"That Michael kid is proper talented. I wouldn't be surprised if he did solo shit when he's older. I bet he could be really popular." I said, lifting half of my hair up into a ponytail, whilst the other half hung freely like it usually did. It emphasised the volume of my hair, once again making my face look smaller than it was.

"Do you not think we should be talking about Queen right now? You know, since we're literally about to go see them perform again." Emma raised her eyebrow, tilting her head to the side. "I see you and Brian are getting friendly."

I sighed, glancing at her as I smoothed out my hair. "And...? We might be getting a little friendly, he's a nice lad." I shrugged.

"Listen, Maria..." Emma started, walking over to me, leaning on the wall. "You know I love you. And if you like Brian, it's okay. It really is. I know you're sensitive, and innocent as fuck. But you're 22 and you're in University. It's time to have a bit of fun. And I don't mean sleep around, I just mean let go a little. It's normal."

I just looked at her straight in the eye, trying to find any signs of her joking. But she wasn't. She was being serious. I inhaled slowly, looking at myself in the mirror.

"Unless Brian turns out to be a cunt. In that case, he'll have a date with my fists." Emma pulled me into a tight hug, squeezing me. She always gave really good hugs. "By the way, you look fucking hot." She grinned at me, returning to her actions beforehand.

"Thanks." I laughed, looking down at my attire. I'd tried something different for a change. I wasn't wearing jeans for a change. This time, I'd gone for more of a linen material. They were flares, of course, and they were a salmon pink with a white random pattern all over. My shirt was also a thin material, probably not the best for that type of weather but I had to stay true to my outfit. It was an off the shoulder shirt, also a button up. I was feeling extra confident that night and I decided to tie the hem of the shirt, so I was showing some skin. I pulled out the only pair of heels I owned, and I contemplated for a hot minute whether or not it was a good idea to wear them.

"Fuck it," I mumbled, slipping them on. They weren't extremely high, three inches at most, but this outfit needed a bit of heel to top it off.

Just to make myself seem even more common, I pulled out my huge hoop earrings, slipping them in. I looked fucking smoking! Emma was so right.

It was almost a repeat of the Friday before: Queen playing at the front, people scattered in the pub, dancing and cheering. It wasn't new news that people enjoyed their music. And there was no way they wouldn't make it in the industry.

Emma and I kind of kept our distance; Emma didn't want to distract Roger, surprisingly enough. We stayed towards the back, obviously the closest to the bar. The boys were half-way through Keep Yourself Alive, which I was thoroughly enjoying. The first time I heard it, I didn't particularly pay attention to the music itself. Therefore, I was very impressed when Roger started beating the drums after the second chorus. I turned to Emma, giving her a smirk.

"Look at the muscles on him, Em." I nudged her, her face flushing up before knocking back a shot of whiskey.

I was quick to stop teasing her as Brian started his guitar solo, bringing himself to the front of the stage. His face was plastered with concentration, his bottom lip slipping between his teeth. Then I looked at his hands: his left hand switching its fingers frantically and his right expertly plucking at the strings.

"Don't you have a thing for hands, Maria?" It was now Emma's turn to tease me. And in return, I shot her a side glance of annoyance.

"I'm getting another drink." I smiled sourly at her, turning and walking towards the bar.

I did stay at the bar for a few minutes, trying to compose myself. Brian looked majestic. But perhaps it was the alcohol. I'd always had a dodgy reaction to the stuff, and at the rate I was drinking that night, I wasn't surprised my brain was going all over the place. When Keep Yourself Alive died down, and everyone cheered, I took a deep breath, turning around and making my way back to Emma, who was now conversing with a slightly taller, brown haired girl.

Through my slightly blurred vision, I looked down at the other girl's fashion and it didn't take me long to realise who it was. Those culottes only meant one thing: Ellie was in town.

Ellie was Emma's younger sister, only by a year. She actually attended Oxford, studying political journalism, which made me even more envious of her. Not in a bad way whatsoever, she was just stunning and practically perfect inside and out.

I grinned as Ellie spotted me, us both instantly scooping each other up in a massive hug.

"Maria! I felt like I haven't seen you in forever!" She squealed, pulling back and looking at me with a smile on her face.

"I know, it's so good to see you, you look so lovely!" I gestured to her attire.

"All that's missing is the bucket hat." Emma joked, pulling her eyes away from Freddie speaking to everyone in the pub. "Pink gins all round?"

Emma knew us so well.

Ellie and I didn't really say much else to each other, as we were both pretty much focussed on Queen and their next song. Again, I didn't know the names of the songs at the time, I just enjoyed it. But as the song progressed, I realised it was called Doing Alright. Freddie's voice was so angelic with the accompaniment of his piano skills. I adored the song's chill vibe. Well, until it got pretty heavy after the bridge section. Once again, Brian's fingers plucking amazingly on his guitar, not missing a single beat.

Thankfully, I was pulled away from getting completely lost when Emma shoved a pink gin in my face. The three of us sipping on pink gins like the little queens we were just reminded me of the college days where we'd go out to a town nearby and order the very same drink at a very expensive restaurant.

A little later into the night, Queen were doing some covers of songs they'd listened to as kids and songs by artists they had looked up to. The night was starting to drag on, not because of the boys, but because of my intolerance of high alcohol intakes. My vision had gone past blurry and had turned into more of a really hot flash, my entire body heating up like crazy. I need some fresh air, I thought. I stood up from the table Ellie, Emma and I were sat at, attracting their attention.

"Where you going?" Emma asked, now slurring her words.

"Just... fresh air. I'll be back." I smiled at her, my own voice along the lines of nonsense, making my way out of the pub.

I leaned against the wall, the cold air hitting my skin, much to my relaxation. The King's Head was part of a small junction, allowing me to watch the cars and the people rush past, even at that time of the night. Even though I was heating up, I felt goose-bumps prickling up over my chest. My denim jacket was shielding my arms from having the same reaction, only heating up my body was roasting. I wasn't taking it off.

Through my people watching and taking in orgasmic breaths of freshness, I marvelled over the diversity that was London in the 70s. People of all races, all shapes, all sizes, all beliefs. It was soothing to the soul; we didn't have time to be meticulous over another person's life that didn't concern your own.

That being said, I was strangely drawn to a man sat at a wooden bench not far from The King's Head. I couldn't actually see his face, or anything really, as he was wearing a hat and a huge trench coat. The only thing I did know is that he was facing the pub. I was positive it was the alcohol that caused me to be paranoid about this man, but my instincts were so strong.

Resting my head back against the wall, I let my eyes wander over the sky above me. I only wished I could see any stars. It was just cloudy, as London seemed to be frequently around that time. My efforts to exclude the paranoia from my mind about the mysterious man were to no avail, the heaving worry still pressing down on me. I took one last deep breath, turning and entering the pub again.

I made my way back to our table, which to my surprise, was now empty. And the absence of the boys at the front could only mean that they joined them round the back.

I didn't know my way round The King's Head very well, so my nerves started to play up on me. But, I did eventually find the door that lead to the back of the pub. I was once again hit by the cool breeze of the night air when I saw them all hanging around Roger's car, talking and laughing together, cases of booze stacked both inside and outside the automobile.

I wrapped my jacket round me more, making my way over. John was the first to notice me and he gave me a welcoming smile.

"Maria's here." He said, grabbing the attention of everyone else. When I got there, he greeted me with a hug. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling a lot better, thanks." I softly replied, nodding my head. I caught a glimpse of Emma, who was sat on the hood of Roger's car, leaning into Roger who was sat next to her, his arm draped around her.

"Of course you are, darling, you look fabulous!" Freddie chimed, clearly drunk as he pranced over to plant a sloppy kiss on my forehead. "Doesn't she look fabulous, Brian?"

Everyone then whipped their heads round to look at Brian, who was just stood with his back against the car, a beer can in his hand. When he noticed we were all looking at him, his eyes widened, and he cleared his throat. "Uh..." I didn't know what was up with him, but he seemed so dazed out. "Sorry, Fred, what?"

"I was saying..." Freddie started, walking over to Brian and standing beside him. "Doesn't Maria look fabulous?"

Brian then shifted his eyes over to me, dragging them over me and my attire. "Yes..." He simply answered, nodding his head. His eyes were glued on my face, a small smile plastered on his. I returned the little smile but didn't hold it for long as I knew everyone else was watching this interaction take place.

I looked at each of the boys and smiled wider. "You did really good tonight. I mean, you always do good." I shrugged, giggling.

Ellie approached from the toilets, smiling at Emma. She was quieter though, which lead me to believe she'd never been around the boys before. Roger's posture straightened up, hopping off the car and walking towards Ellie.

"Well, hello—"

"Don't even try it, Rog." Emma warned sternly, causing us all to hold in laughter. "She's my sister."

Roger immediately retreated back to Emma, nodding apologetically. "Sorry, love."

"Plus, she likes foreign guys." Emma said and whacked his arm.

People seemed to emerge from every direction as a very pretty blonde woman approached, much to Freddie's surprise as he picked her up and hugged her tightly. They both went around to the back of the car, I'm assuming to get some alone time.

I looked up at Brian, leaning in and whispering. "Who's that?"

He leant down, his face dangerously close to mine. "That's Mary, his girlfriend."

I scrunched up my eyebrows, looking at him once again. "Wait... Freddie's not gay??"

I promise you, it was the drink. I always said and did things I didn't mean when I was drunk, and this was one of those moments.

Brian chuckled. "We don't know. I don't even think he knows." He shrugged, reaching into the open window of Roger's car and handing me a can. "It's cheap, but it does the trick."

I looked down at the can, looking over the brand. He was right; I'd never heard of this brand before and I'm pretty sure nobody ever heard of that brand before. It was like a knockoff Foster's or Carlsberg. But I wasn't complaining. A drink's a drink.

So there we were, getting totally shitfaced off of this dodgy foreign beer, at midnight, in the back alley of a pub that had closed for the night. Ellie had left half an our earlier as she had a dissertation to finish, so that left Emma satisfied that she didn't have to reel in a very drunk Roger from trying to shag her sister. John was the least drunk out of us all, only a little tipsy. Somebody had to drive the boys home and we didn't trust ourselves not to get totally drunk, so John took one for the team.

"Roger, you are not driving!" John stood in front of the car as Roger was firing up the engine.

"Fuck off, this is my car and nobody else is putting their council estate hands on it!" Roger shouted back, half of his words completely inaudible. He was so drunk. And he would not budge from the driver's seat. The altercation was getting a bit heated, and Roger began making threats that he was going to run John over if he didn't move. I stumbled to Brian's side, standing close to him so I could be out of trouble's way. He was just a safe person to be around, I guess.

"I'll handle this." Emma exclaimed, putting her hands up, and walking over to the window next to the driver's seat. I don't know what she said to him or how she was able to convince him, but Roger stepped out of that car and let John take his place. Everyone was fucking dumbfounded that Roger let someone else actually drive his car.

"I guess I'm walking home on my own, then." I slurred, stifling a lousy laugh as Brian almost fell over, drunk himself.

"Nope. You are not going home on your own." Brian shook his head, his curls flying side to side at is over-the-top movements. "You are coming back with us and you.." He bopped my nose with his finger. "Are staying overnight, because..." He dragged out, grabbing my shoulders and staring down at me. "I want to know you are safe."

How could I say no to that?

Roger had already situated himself in the back seat, waiting for Emma, who was talking to Mary. I was feeling very volatile and jumpy. John shutting the door even startled me, much to Brian's amusement. I slipped into the back seat, situating myself onto Brian's lap for comfort. My eyelids were getting extremely heavy, so I leaned against the car door and let my eyes fall shut. That was until I heard the familiar sound of someone clearing their throat. But it was not from under me. I opened my eyes to see I was in fact sat on Roger's lap and not Brian's.

I looked straight at Roger who was clearly too drunk to care, but my face contorted into disgust. "Oh, ew." I mumbled, climbing off of Roger and over to Brian, settling myself onto him. I nestled my face into his hair, his arms wrapping around me. I felt so safe with him.

Emma took my place and sat on Roger's lap giddily, but also pissed out of her mind.

Freddie and Mary shared a kiss before he slipped into the passenger seat. Mary then walked away, getting into her own car.

"Is Mary not joining us?" Brian asked.

"No, she's got work early." Freddie murmured, his head resting against the window.

The whole energetic vibe we had been radiating for the previous 90 minutes had died down entirely, every one of us tired and exhausted. My head was almost glued to Brian's shoulder, my face consumed by his fluffy mane of hair. I wasn't asleep, however, I was just resting my eyes. It's the only way I can describe getting absolutely shitfaced and prematurely feeling the symptoms of a hangover whilst still being drunk. Freddie was most certainly the most drunk out of us all. He was almost pale in the face, not speaking any coherent sentence for us to respond to. John even had to pull over a few times to let Freddie throw up at the side of the road.

It was evident that we were all feeling a bit volatile and nauseous, so our plans to continue drinking at the boy's place didn't necessarily go ahead. When John pulled up outside Freddie, Roger and Brian's house, I had to slip off of Brian's lap, feeling an absence of warmth. Roger had to shake Emma to wake her up as she'd passed out as soon as she got in the car. And Freddie could hardly walk in a straight line as he exited the car.

As soon as we stepped foot into the front room, Freddie collapsed, totally passing out on the floor. John, being the very sweet friend he was, got a blanket and put it over him as Brian flopped down on the sofa, head leaned all the way back against it.

"I guess I'll take Freddie's bed then?" John asked, putting his hands on his hips, scanning the room.

"Yeah, go for it." Brian mumbled, his eyes falling shut. Roger and Emma had already disappeared upstairs, as John bid us goodnight and also retreated upstairs.

I was just sort of stood there in that cold front room, the silence dawning on me as uncomfortable. "Brian?" I whispered, not wanting to make any sudden noise. I heard a slight groan from him in response. "Where can I sleep?"

He opened his eyes, lifting his head up and looking at me. "I don't think I'll be moving from here, so my bedroom is available."

I gave him a drunk smile, heading for the stairs.

"It's cold up there though. It usually is when you're alone..."

His words halted me, my head turning to look at him. He did seem very lonely through my blurred vision. And the arm that was draped over the back of the sofa did look very inviting to lean into.

Had I not been drunk, I probably wouldn't have done that very thing, snuggling up besides Brian, leaning my head on his shoulder. The arm that was over the back lowered to now be around me, his hand rested on my arm, which he then used to pull me closer to him. The warmth of his body hit me, being a nice contrast from the low temperatures his student house often was.

That silence once again came upon us, but this time, I was more content with the lack of noise, taking a look at the passed-out Freddie on the floor before letting my eyes fall shut. I felt myself lose consciousness, the peaceful position combined with the slight sound of the occasional car go past was enough to sooth me.

"Maria?" Brian mumbled.

My brain was alerted when I thought I was about to nod off for good. "Hm?" I answered, my eyes still shut.

"Why do you never take this jacket off?"

That's when my eyes almost flew open, lifting my head to look at Brian, who was now looking down at me with innocent curiosity. Fuck it, I thought.

I sighed, looking down at my arms and clumsily taking a hold of the end of my jacket sleeve and pulling it up to my elbow, my forearm now bare. Not only that, but the skin was scarred with line after line of where I'd indented and embedded minutes after minutes of mental pain, the razor tracks of my survival, which I know now should have been trophies of strength and not signs of weakness.

Neither of us said anything. I just looked back up at Brian and he was now plastered with sympathy and concern. He brought his other hand to my arm, his fingertips grazing gently over the scars before bringing my hand up, interlacing his fingers with mine. His hands were a lot bigger than mine, and his fingers were very long, so it felt like a little hand-hug.

Brian lifted my hand up even further, before softly placing a kiss on the back of it, nuzzling against it in comfort. He didn't need to use his words to let me know what he was saying. His gaze once again shifted to me, his eyes now boring into mine. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on my cheek.

But he didn't pull away.

His lips grazed over my face, moving closer to my own lips, which were at this point tingling in anticipation. The drink had never taken this effect on me before. It felt so tender and soft when Brian's lips found mine.

I once again let my eyes fall shut as I found me kissing him back, the small and gentle kiss become one of slight passion as his lips sensually moved against mine. He brought his hand up to my face, caressing my cheek. I, too, raised my hand, resting it on his chest as I lifted my legs, them now draping over Brian's.

The entire encounter felt like a complete daze. Let's just say I never kissed anyone like that until then. I couldn't decide if I was weirded out or turned on when his tongue was introduced to the equation. But my response came all too naturally for my sober liking, as we moved in perfect sync, his gentle hands running along my thighs.

He then slowly pulled away, leaving my lips wet and aching. His face contorted into one of pain and groaned a little, his head flying back against the sofa again. His hand held his head. He was just starting to feel the hangover approaching.

I didn't call him out on it though. I just placed a little kiss on his jaw, before letting my head fall back onto his shoulder, my lipstick smudging all down his neck unintentionally.

And with that, my eyes fell closed once more for the rest of the night.


	11. don't lie to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *very very light mature content*

11 ~ don't lie to me ~

My own nausea woke me up, unfortunately. It took me a couple of seconds of shuffling around to feel the effects of being in the foetal position all night. My back completely stiffened up as I lifted myself from where I was resting. I peered through narrowed eyes, adjusting to the light of day, the slightest of movements erupting a banging pain in my head.

I knew I wasn't in my flat, that's for certain. And I could vaguely remember being at The King's Head the night before watching Queen perform again.

I moved my hair out my face and scanned the room with my eyes, laying my sights on Freddie face down on the ground, arms spread out. I could just see his face, his nose scrunched up and his teeth on show, a light snore audible. I chuckled, taking a deep breath and moving my stiff neck round to look at who I was sleeping next to.

At first, I was relieved to see it was Brian I was snuggled up next to. But when I spotted a dark shade of lipstick smudged from his lips, to his jaw and down his neck.

Oh no...

I instantly started to panic, furrowing my eyebrows. Wow, you're a fucking idiot, Maria, what the fuck did you do? Did I shag him? No, I can't have... Oh my God, I bet I made myself look like a right slag, what is wrong with me?

I didn't have long to ponder over my suspected actions, as I heard a door open upstairs, footsteps approaching and the floorboards creaking on the stairs. I scurried out of Brian's embrace and rested my head on the other side of the sofa, closing my eyes. Hopefully whoever was coming downstairs would just think I was asleep.

For a minute, I actually started to nod off back to sleep, but I was disturbed abruptly by someone's hand shaking me. And it was soon evident that it was Emma as I heard her whisper my name, her voice slightly panicked.

I opened my eyes, intentionally groaning to make my act look more convincing. I squinted up at her. "Emma? What's wrong?"

"We have to go." She whispered, looking between me and Brian to make sure he wouldn't wake up. "Like now."

"Why, what's wrong?" I sat up slowly, raising an eyebrow.

"Just... Can we go? Please? I'm like... Desperate." She did look really worried and nervous and it was weird for Emma to act this self-aware this early in the morning.

"Sure... Yeah." I nodded, gently getting up from the sofa, not having much time to stretch myself out before Emma grabbed my arm and pulled me out the house, completely leaving with no word to anyone.

"Emma, what's wrong?" I asked her when we got a decent way back to the flat, my feet hurting immensely from the heels I was wearing. We weren't walking at an insanely fast pace, we were both way too hungover to dwell on our speed.

"I'm so embarrassed..." She mumbled, whining at herself as she bumped into multiple people rushing to get to work early that Saturday morning.

"Why, what did you do?" I slightly raised my voice, getting sick of asking her over and over again. 

"Can you not, like... Speak loud?" She whisper-shouted at me, pulling me towards her.

"Well, just tell me what happened then!" I whispered back.

Emma hesitated, but sighed, leaning to my ear. "I got my period."

I scrunched up my eyebrows, moving away from her. "And why is that embarrassing?"

"Because..." She scratched her arm. "It's all over Roger's sheets..."

I widened my eyes, grabbing her arm. "Emma! He's gonna think you've murdered him and that he's dead!"

"I didn't know what to do, that's never happened before!"

I sighed, shaking my head. "He's a big boy, I'm sure he'd understand."

"No, but he's so cool... And that's like not."

"Well he's going to find out sooner or later, isn't he?"

"Can we just... Go home and forget about it for now? It's embarrassing!"

"Fine, fine..." I held my hands up, continuing our journey home.

I hated walks home that were hangover induced. They seemed so long, and you want nothing more than to climb into bed and sleep that headache away. But the walk seemed so much longer when I had to stop to vomit every now and then. You'd think that I'd learn from the week before that I shouldn't drink so much in one night. I just thought towards that spongy mattress waiting for me to lay all my weight on it. And that soft blanket to envelope me with its mediocre warmth.

I gasped out of nowhere, stopping in my tracks. "Shit!"

Emma widened her eyes, turning to face me. "What?"

"I didn't tell Brian I was leaving..." I face-palmed myself, only receiving a backlash of pain running through my skull.

Emma just burst out giggling. "Did you shag him?!"

I just slapped her arm and kept walking. "No! I didn't shag him at all. We just... We cuddled a little that's all." There was no way I was going to tell Emma what really happened. All she'd do was take the piss.

"Awwww." She cooed, giving me a pitiful smile. "You like him..."

"Emma, darling... I don't." I mumbled, rolling my eyes. "I don't have—"

"Oh quit the 'I don't have time' bullshit. If you like the man, you like the man and there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't lie to me."

"He's cute." I admitted, looking at the ground as I walked. "Like... Really fucking cute." I found myself grinning. I hated when I was like this. "I love spending time with him."

"I sense romance." Emma smirked, giving me a knowing look.

"Shut up, we just get on well, okay? Just because you shagged Roger within an hour of knowing him, doesn't mean I have to shag Brian, okay?" I laughed. "Besides... What if I told you I liked Freddie?" I smirked.

"You'd be a fucking liar, because you don't like Freddie."

"How do you know?"

"You don't smile like that when you talk about Freddie. I know that look, Maria. And that look means... that you like somebody."

I stopped in my tracks, taking a deep breath. "To be honest with you Em... I don't know. I don't know what liking someone is supposed to feel like. All I know is that I feel comfortable around him and he's a nice guy. And he makes me laugh. Plus he's really good with animals and that's like adorable."

"Oh, you like him." Emma nodded rapidly, causing me to whine. She grinned and wrapped her arms round me, squeezing me tightly. "This is so exciting!! I get to set my best friend up with someone after all these years!"

"Okay, calm down, I'm sure we'll be okay." I laughed, feeling my cheeks flush up in my own embarrassment. "We should get back before you start bleeding down your legs." I whispered to her.

This obviously jogged her memory, as she gasped and started practically speed walking down the street.

//

I laid my head back, letting all my weight rest on the sheets around me. I was a lightweight cloud floating on the back of angels. The world around me drifted away and all that mattered was that moment. And that moment was pure bliss.

His lips butterflied over every part of my body, treating me as a glass temple, tending to my every curve and edge. They were so smooth, and they possessed so much compassion. My fingers dug into his mane, the curls feeling out-of-this-world.

My body responded to this man's touch, his hands stroking up and down my thighs. My head was totally in another world, and I couldn't concentrate on doing anything but laying and completely submitting to his actions.

Finally, I felt his soft lips exactly where I wanted them, his touch overwhelming me in more ways I knew of. And that tongue... That talented fucking tongue. The palms of his hands were hot as they splayed across my hips, holding me down from spasming. And just like that, that name bubbled up from my chest and into my throat; a name I'd been dying to whine out the entire time the owner of the name touched me.

"Brian..."

"Maria!" I heard someone shout, but it was not Brian. I looked down at him, and he'd completely vanished.

I then found myself face-planting the floor, my bed sheets wrapped around my legs.

It was a fucking dream...

I placed a hand on my forehead, which had become tacky with sweat, and my breath was heavy. I had never experienced a dream so intense before. And it was my luck that Brian was at the forefront of that ecstasy.

Then, Emma swung open the door, seeing me on the floor. "You okay?"

"Y-yeah..." I shakily responded, tucking my hair behind me ear. "I was just..." I looked around on the floor. "Looking for my brush." I grabbed my brush that was laying on the floor next to the bedside table. "Found it." I giggled nervously, looking up at Emma.

"Um... Okay." She raised her eyebrow before shaking her head and sighing. "Anyway, I'm making pasta. It should be ready in like 45 minutes, I have to go get some more sauce."

"Yeah... Okay..." I didn't really register what she had said, but I just agreed to it anyway.

"Okay, well... I'll see you in a bit."

"Yeah, okay..."

And with a slow nod, Emma left.

I released a harsh breath I didn't even know I was holding, pulling myself back up onto my bed and sitting myself on the edge of it. I was so confused with myself and my brain for letting it wander off and dream up something of that nature.

What is wrong with me...


	12. a little crush

12 ~ a little crush ~

Brian

"Mama, I'm gonna be your slave,"

"All day long."

"Mama, I'm gonna try behave."

"All day long"

I strummed the strings with my fingers, tapping my foot in time to Roger's beats and John's rhythm, Fred keeping us going with the vocals. But I, for some reason, couldn't keep up. The minimal beat and sonics required too much of my attention and too much of it was applied somewhere else.

I strained my lips into a thin line, shaking my head as I strummed the completely wrong chord, halting Roger.

"That was the wrong fuckin' chord!" He yelled, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and tapping out on the ash tray on the floor.

"I know." I sighed, shaking my head. I ran my hand over my head, moving the hair from my forehead.

"Give him a break, darling, he's clearly distressed, the poor thing." Freddie set down his microphone on my amp and strutted over to me. "Come on, dear, don't be quiet."

I looked at him and sighed heavily, shifting my eyes around. What was I supposed to say? I didn't even know what was wrong myself.

"Shall we take 5?" John asked, setting his bass down.

Freddie nodded towards him and sat down next to me. "What's the matter?" Both Roger and John had averted their gaze onto me.

"I don't know..." I let out, leaning my head back on the sofa. "I'm conflicted about something right now."

"If something's eating away at you, you should tell us about it." Mary said as she brought through a tray of teas from the kitchen. "Especially the boys, they are your best friends."

I knew she was right; I should be able to tell them anything, no matter how big or little it was. And the truth was, it was eating away at me like crazy.

"I bet it's something to do with Maria." Roger remarked, twirling a drumstick in his hand. "Didn't she leave without telling you on Saturday?"

"Yes, thank you Roger." I glared at him. "Do you want to talk about you taking advantage of Emma or shall we continue talking about the fact I haven't bothered to talk to her since?"

"What's the big deal?" Roger exclaimed, standing up from the drumkit and trying his best to weave in and out of what the front room was at that point. "It's not like the two of you shagged or anything. Wait..." He smirked.

"No! We didn't do anything, don't be so fucking ridiculous." I shook my head, folding my arms and looking away. Fun fact... I remembered everything from that night.

"I wouldn't say that's exactly true, darling." Freddie chuckled, leaning back against where Mary was sat on the arm of the sofa.

I scrunched my eyebrows up, licking my drying lips. "What are you talking about, Fred?"

"Darling... You should know by now that I don't pass out from drinking." He smirked, earning a laugh from John in the corner.

"You mean..." I stuttered a bit before covering my face with my hands. "Oh my God..."

"That's right, dear, I saw you eat her face off."

"Brian, you slag!" Roger teased, lighting another cigarette.

"You can hardly say anything, blondie." John retorted, shoving him out the way and grabbing a cup of tea. "We know you're shagging Emma."

"Yes." Roger replied, smirking smugly. "But at least we got straight to it and didn't fuck around."

"Didn't she leave you a little good morning present?"

"Shut up, Deacy, it's normal for girls to have accidents like that! Besides, I called her and told her it was okay."

"Just stop, okay?" I stood up, picking my guitar up with me, distracting myself by tuning it.

"Roger, you're such a tit." Freddie scolded, shaking his head. "It's not Brian's fault that he has a little crush on Maria."

"I don't..." I started but halted myself. I closed my eyes and sighed. "It doesn't matter how I feel, she probably hates me." I continued tuning.

"I doubt that she hates you." John reassured. "Why would you think that she hates you?"

"Hello, I kissed her when I was drunk, and she hasn't called me since then."

"But you also haven't called her, have you?"

Why does Deacy have to be so psychologically reversal?

"No." I mumbled like child afraid of being caught doing something they shouldn't be. "And I'm not going to."

"What?!" Freddie shouted, widening his eyes and shooting up from his seat. "Brian, darling, you are being so fucking stupid."

"I'm not. If she wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to her, she should ring me."

Now, I was being stubborn. I was a stubborn person. And I knew I was being stubborn, but it was a coping mechanism I'd used since my teen years.

"But Brian—"

"Can you all just stop telling me what to do?!" I snapped, putting down the Red Special and storming off into the hallway and upstairs, heading directly to my bedroom. I needed time to be on my own.

It had been four days since that Saturday, and I was starting to get paranoid. I couldn't help my actions; Maria just seemed so irresistible in the moment, even though I was drunk. And especially after she showed me the scars on her arm, it only made me want to look after her. She was such a purified soul for our time, and I liked her a lot. Freddie was right when he said I had a little crush on her. Who wouldn't?

Knock, knock, knock.

I looked at the door, awaiting some type of voice at the other side of the door.

"It's me, darling."

"You can come in, Fred." I sat on the edge of my bed, shaking my head at the stress I was putting myself under. Freddie came and joined me, sitting himself beside me.

There was a silence for a few minutes. It was like Freddie was able to read my mind fully just by sitting near me in pure silence. It always nerved me because I never knew what he was thinking or what he was going to say.

"You're doing this to yourself again, dear." Freddie said softly, avoiding eye contact with me.

"I know..." I mumbled, tapping my foot rapidly. "Why is it that I become infatuated with the girls that use me and push away the girls I genuinely like?"

"Ah!" Freddie exclaimed. "So you do like her! Listen, dear, all you have to do is give her a call or even talk to her in person, and you'll soon be back in her good books. Assuming you were out of them in the first place."

"That's the thing, I don't even know if I have upset her because of... what I did."

"Darling, if I know anything, which I do, she'd have gone home giggling like a child with a bucket of candy. You two are meant to be together one way or another." When he didn't get a reaction from me, he leaned into me and sighed heavily. He placed a hand on my shoulder. "You're a decent guy, Brian. You don't use girls. And girls like Maria appreciate that. I know how difficult it is, especially after you tried it with half of the science department and got fucked over by every single one of them. But I have a really good feeling about Maria. A really good feeling."

He then cleared his throat and shot up, clapping his hands together. "So, just give her a buzz and I'm sure everything's just a big misunderstanding, darling. We expect you back downstairs in five." He winked at me and strutted out of my bedroom.

Why do girls have to be so complicated?


	13. cliché

13 ~ cliché ~

Why do boys have to be so complicated?

"Maria, I've said like ten times now. Just call him."

"I have fucking called him, and it keeps going to the answer machine, Emma!"

"Don't shout at me, I'm trying to help you!"

I clenched my fists, whining and dropping on the sofa. Emma was sat at her piano, flicking through her collection of sheet music. She'd been absorbing my complaints and paranoia for about an hour and I didn't know how she handled me. I hadn't talked to Brian in five days and I couldn't figure out why that was. And through my ranting and raving I concluded that it was purely because I left without saying anything to him. I think anyone would have been pissed off at that and I felt like such a bitch. The work experience I had met with the boys to do had been completely forgotten about and I hadn't looked once at my study notes throughout that week. I only noticed when I saw we were nearing the end of October. Happy Halloween, Maria, you made the only guy you've ever liked avoid you.

"I'm sorry, I'm just scared I've done something wrong. Well, I did, I fucking left him on his own." I rolled my eyes at myself, resting my head in my hand.

"Well, you won't know if you've done something wrong unless you ask him. So ask him, and then you'll stop worrying." Emma smiled at me reassuringly. "They're at that new place tonight, aren't they?"

My eyes shot open, my head whipping round and looking at Emma. "Yeah, they are." I nodded. "I can go and see him without looking too desperate."

"But you are desperate..."

"Thank you Emma." I rolled my eyes, getting up to find something to wear for that evening. There were too many options, yet not enough options. I quickly settled on the idea that it didn't matter what I wore that night, considering the nature of what I was going to be talking about with him. And if Brian couldn't accept how I looked, then it proved that I shouldn't put effort into caring if he was mad at me.

So, instead of dwelling over my appearance, I spent the time Emma and I would have spent in the library studying looking through my notes. Exams weren't until January, but you can never be too early to study.

Alas, my confident streak was completely compensated with the anxiety flooding back in when my mother, of all people, decided to give me a call for the first time in two weeks. I know, the amount she cared for me and my wellbeing was fucking indelible.

But, being on the phone with a woman with 43 years of life experience got me thinking: could my mum actually give me advice on dating and guys in general? It seemed way too late to even bring this stuff up, being 22 and all of my friends having the relationship talk at 15, but it was worth a shot. She was my mother, after all.

"Mum?" I interrupted her story of how her and Dad had been gardening all morning. There wasn't any response from the other side, so I just continued. "Can I ask your opinion on something?"

"Of course, sweetheart, you can ask me anything."

I took a deep breath, leaning against the wall. "Well..." I started, finding ways to articulate my situation. "There's this guy... At uni. And I'm getting really close to him—"

"Maria, I don't want any boys around you." Here we go.

"Mum, I'm 22." I said with an exasperated sigh. "I just want your advice on something."

"Carry on, then, I haven't got all day."

"I stayed at his house on Saturday night and... I left without saying anything in the morning. And I feel really bad about it. I really like him, mum, but he hasn't called me since then and I'm scared to call him because I feel like I've messed it up. I feel like I've upset him, and I don't know what to do. His band are playing somewhere tonight, and I don't know whether or not to go and see him or if that will make me look desperate." I let out a huge breath, everything coming out at once.

No answer from the woman, I looked at the phone to check it was still on. It was.

"Mum?" I asked, scrunching my eyebrows up.

"...Have you had sex with him, Maria?" Her voice was slightly stern, but it was obvious she hadn't listened to anything I'd said. I furrowed my eyebrows and leaned back against the wall, feeling that familiar sting of tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

"No... I haven't." My voice had reduced to a softer one, once again being the subordinate in our mother-daughter relationship.

"Good. Keep it that way. You can never trust boys in a band, especially those who don't call you back.

"But that's not what I wanted to ask you."

"Now, sweetheart, I just want you to be happy and this is the best thing for you. I know you, Maria Brennan, don't question it. Your father and I have to go pick up a new chair for the conservatory. Talk to you later, hun." At that, the phone line went dead.

I clenched my jaw and slammed the phone back on the wall, spinning around to see Emma standing there, with an unsatisfied look on her face. "You have to stop asking her for advice, Maria, it always ends like this."

I folded my arms, letting my eyes glance sideways.

"What did she say?"

"That I can't trust boys in a band." I rolled my eyes, making my way back to my bedroom.

"Are you still going to The Britannia to see him, then?" I heard her behind me, to which I stopped and contemplated whether or not that would actually be a good idea. I mean, he hadn't called me, so that must had meant that he didn't want to talk to me.

I turned my head, speaking to Emma from the side. I stuttered a little before going with whatever decided to come out of my mouth.

"Of course I am."

//

I didn't show up in time for their actual show. I didn't want to sit there and listen to them play for an hour with the possibility of Brian seeing me and wondering what I was doing there on my own. That left too much time for rejection.

I'd kept myself hidden at the bar for the remaining 10 minutes of Queen's performance, not drawing any attention to myself. I did, however, sneak a few glances to the front of the pub, eyeing Brian's attire. He just looked so good, I didn't understand why anyone wouldn't find that man attractive. Not only that, but he was a sweetheart. One of the most down-to-earth people I had ever met. Any girl would go weak at a man's sensitivity.

When I'd stopped gawking over him, their performance was over, and they were already making their way round the back. That's when my nerves started to kick in. As I pushed my way through the growing fans in the pub, I went through all the scenarios that my brain could throw at me in that moment. What if he's with a girl right now? What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he found out I wasn't an easy shag and that's why he's not talked to me? What if I actually can't trust a boy in a band?

It was too late to turn back and forget the whole thing, as I felt the chill of the night hit my ankles. I chewed on my lip as my eyes set on Roger's car, the boys plus Mary gathered round it, drinking. I took a deep breath, and made my way over, my heart thumping against my ribcage. Brian was the only one who had his back turned in my direction, which made me ever the more nervous when Roger spotted me.

"Ah, you've made up already?" He exclaimed, his words only beginning to be slightly slurred. That's when a slightly confused Brian turned to the direction Roger was talking in.

My eyes met his, the awkward atmosphere sinking in almost immediately. My mouth went completely dry and I couldn't remember what I was going to say to him once I got there. I gave him a small smile, but before I had a chance to say anything, Freddie waltzed over scooping me up into a huge hug.

"Maria, darling! I knew you couldn't stay away!" He gave me a toothy grin and glanced at Brian, who was staring at the whole situation. "I didn't introduce you to Mary last time, did I? How rude of me." He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to Mary, who was stood with another girl with orange-dyed hair and a fringe. "Mary, darling."

Mary then looked up, her perfect blue eyes on view and her blonde hair falling freely. "Hello!" She grinned, leaning in and giving me a welcoming peck on the cheek. "You must be Maria."

"I am.." I nodded, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, sorry, dear, Freddie likes to tell me about everything that's going on." Mary's voice lowered, glancing over at Brian. She smiled at me and looked back at the girl who was stood with her. "Oh, this is Daisy."

Daisy smiled at me awkwardly, holding out her hand for me to shake it, so I did. "Hi." I could tell this Daisy was either a little shy or a little awkward because she didn't really say much else.

"She's more talkative when you get to know her, darling. Or when she's drunk." Freddie butted in, emphasising her drinking habits. "She works with Mary."

"Oh, where do you work?" I asked Mary.

"I work at Biba. Fashion is all I live for."

"I can tell." I smiled, admiring her attire. "You have good sense."

"Thank you! I do hope you'll stop by some time, we're having a sale soon. Get more for your money." She grinned at me in hopes of her sales assistant skills paying off.

I glanced at Freddie and then back to her, giggling a little. "Yeah... I'll see if I have time. Well, I'm not staying for long, I uh..." I stumbled over my words, my eyes flicking over to Brian. "I just need to talk to Brian..." I took a shaky breath, trying to avoid looking back at him. But I couldn't help it.

"Of course, darling! Take him for as long as you like." Freddie stood aside, gesturing towards the guitarist, his hand holding a tight grip around his beer can.

Brian reluctantly drew away from Roger's car, biting down on his lip as he walked past me, indicating for me to follow. I did, looking back at the others, who were watching us walk away together with little smiles on their faces.

Brian and I stopped round the front of The Britannia, where cars and unknown strangers travelled past. This part of Kensington was much louder and busier compared to where The King's Head was situated. I stood with my back facing the wall, Brian stood in front of me. There was a moment's silence, the only thing we could hear being our surroundings. People exited the pub, drunk and laughing, leaning on each other, whilst some entered. It was time to break the silence. But it seemed like Brian had the same idea.

"You look gre—"

"Are you angry at me?" I blurted out, folding my arms and staring at his face as it contorted into an expression of confusion and slight hurt.

"Maria... Of course I'm not angry at you. Why would I be angry at you?" He took a step forward, looking down at me with his beautiful hazel eyes. He could make me weak at the knees with a simple look.

"I just... I don't know." I whined, leaning my head back on the wall. "You didn't call me or talk to me, it just.... It's different to how you usually are. And I kind of left you without telling you where I was going..." I shrugged, feeling slightly embarrassed. Now that I had put it into perspective, I really shouldn't have gotten so anxious over it.

"I thought you were angry at me." Brian said monotonously, shrugging his shoulders.

"What?" I asked, tilting my head back forward to look at him. "Why?"

"Well... I thought you left because of... You know..." His cheeks flushed a light pink and he looked away.

"Because of what?" I pushed him. I knew what he was talking about. But I needed confirmation from him that it was a thing that happened so we could both acknowledge it and not go around it.

"Because of when I... Kissed you--- You know what, I know it was the wrong thing to do and I'm sorry for putting you in that situation." He became distressed, running his hand through his curly mane.

I was quick to dismiss his words, shaking my head rapidly. "Brian don't apologise for that, it didn't make me uncomfortable or anything. I honestly don't really remember it happening. But I saw my lipstick on you when I woke up and honestly... The thought of that even happening.... Well, I liked the thought." I smiled softly, shrugging my shoulders.

In response to my words, he just returned my soft smile, holding his hand out and taking my own in it. "You know... I've been thinking." He started, looking down at our hands, his thumb running over my knuckles. "There is something I need to tell you. Something I haven't been entirely honest about."

I raised an eyebrow, letting Brian take my hand in his. "Go on..."

"Well, tell me if it's stupid. And tell me if you don't feel the same way. But..." He took a deep breath, looking up at me and into my eyes. "I really like you. You're smart, you're kind, you're cute and you make me smile whenever you're around me. And I really like that."

"This is not how I expected tonight to go, I'll be honest." I breathed out, slightly taken back by Brian's admission. "But I'm not surprised by it." I added at a low whisper, causing Brian to smile. "You're alright, poodle head." I nodded.

He just shook his head and squeezed my hand. He didn't seem to care about a returned compliment or if I felt the same way. He just needed to tell me that's how he felt. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same way.

"So, are you going to tell me you're little secret?" Brian mumbled, stepping closer to me once more so there was limited space between us.

"What, that I feel the same way?" I smirked, looking up at him in search of a reaction. Though I didn't think that was the response he was looking for.

"N-no... But that's handy to know. Thank you." He smiled, letting a light chuckle spill from his lips. "No. You're secret secret."

"My secret secret?" I raised my eyebrow. Brian frowned, which caused me to do the same.

That's when he looked down at my hand and lifted it up, his other hand going to my sleeve to push it up. I tried to stop him, my hand flying to his, but he gave me a serious look, which only made my hand fall back down to where it was. Brian pulled my sleeve up, revealing years' worth of scars.

I was so embarrassed. I'd never let anyone see my suffering until that moment. Or at least I thought I hadn't.

"How did you know...?" I whispered, avoiding eye contact once again.

"You showed me. On Saturday night." He said bluntly, staring at the scars. "You need someone to look after you." He added, looking up at my face, which was also staring at the scars as though they were apart of someone else's body. Brian lifted his free hand to pull my chin upwards to make me look at him. "I can be that someone."

Just like that, a grin crept upon my face, before letting out an unexpected fit of giggles. Brian looked at me confused. "What are you laughing at?"

I stopped, just staring at him. "You're so cliché."

"I know." He shrugged, pulling me into a hug, his arms providing me with the warmth I had been waiting for. Brian was a very lanky person, hardly any meat on his bones at all. But somehow he still seemed to make me feel shielded and protected, like nothing could get to me. I was safe when I was in his arms.

I enjoyed the hug, the embrace that lasted minutes on end. It never once got awkward or never once got too quiet or too invasive. It was nice.

"Maria?" I felt his chin move on my head.

"Hm?"

"This is where I hugged you when you had a panic attack." He whispered. I could feel him smile against my hair as he buried his face into it.

"My God, you are a cliché." I laughed into his chest, the embrace continuing.

But no matter how cliché Brian was, and no matter how many times he apologised for the tiniest things, he was still a very interesting and special person to me. And in that moment, I realised that entirely.

Fuck the work experience. Let's have fun.


	14. sensitive little kitten

14 ~ sensitive little kitten ~

"I'm glad we're doing this." I said brightly, bringing the mug of black coffee up to my lips, sat opposite to Emma.

"Me too, it seems like forever since we've actually... hung out together." She agreed, stirring her coffee with the spoon.

"I guess there's been a lot going on, huh?" I raised my eyebrow. "With the boys around, and... assignments due in..." I trailed off, trying my best to get a decent sip out of the coffee without burning myself.

Emma and I had decided to sit outside of the small café at Imperial's campus, as we both enjoyed watching the birth of November: the leaves left over from September soaked in the aftermath of the overnight rainfall and the chilly breeze. Students leaving early in the morning to do some morning studies, draped in their parka coats and hats. We hardly ever left our flat early before a lecture, but that morning we wanted to squeeze some time in together, knowing that Emma would most likely be swept away by Roger at some point during the day, only to return when I'm asleep.

"Did you talk to Brian?" Emma asked, sipping at her coffee with ease.

"Yeah..." I couldn't help the smile that spread over my lips at the thought of the events that occurred a couple of nights prior. "Everything's... Alright. We're doing alright." I nodded.

"Did he teach you to use their song puns or something?" Emma laughed, shaking her head.

"No." I laughed too, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "The good thing is, he's actually called me and spoken to me since then. So I must have done something right!"

"Have you mentioned it to..." Emma trailed off, holding her hand out and gesturing.

"No." I retorted quickly. "And there's no reason she has to know every detail of my life. She's my mum, but I am also 22 years old. I don't need her interfering the way she does." I tutted, still hurt over her words the last time I'd spoken to her. You can't trust boys in a band... "Anyway... How's Roger?"

"Distant. Real distant." Emma replied, a slight frown on her face. "We haven't really talked much. Apart from when we... You know..." I couldn't stand to see the disappointment in my best friend's face. But I also couldn't believe that she felt that way.

"Aw, Emma..." I started, reaching out and holding her hand. "What's happening? I thought everything was great with you two?" I lowered my voice, as to not draw attention to us.

"I don't know what's happening. He's just not really talking to me. It seems the only time he registers me as a living person is when he's slamming balls deep into me. I'm getting really angry at him, but I don't know what the fuck to say to him." She was clearly agitated, so I squeezed her hand gently to bring her back down, which always worked.

"You have every right to be angry at him, babes." I spoke assertively, and reassuringly. "I mean, has he even clarified that you two are a thing?"

Emma's gaze wandered off a bit, the frown become more prominent before she sighed deeply, shaking her head reluctantly. "No..." Her voice was no louder than a whisper. "He hasn't."

It was my turn to sigh, my eyebrows furrowing as I pulled back, leaning on the chair I was sat on. "Emma, you need to do something. You can't keep letting yourself down like this. Or..." I glanced to the side. "Maybe it's nothing. I've heard around that he's dropping out of Imperial, so maybe he's under a lot of stress—"

"He's dropping out?"

"I don't know, that's what I've heard. Brian said something about it, but he was a bit drunk. So, I can't be 100% sure."

Emma chewed on her lip nervously, staring down at her coffee, which was most likely lukewarm by now. "Yeah.." She nodded slowly. "It's probably nothing. It's only been a couple of days anyway." She smiled to herself.

"A couple of days? Emma, that's nothing! You don't have anything to worry about, seriously. I can tell that Roger likes you a lot, okay? Don't let your thoughts get in the way of something that can be seriously lovely."

Emma looked up at me, her eyes once again possessing that spark that never seemed to fade. "I knew there was a reason I kept you around."

//

"A bonfire party. Really, Emma?"

"Why not?" She whispered as Professor Ross went through his regular notes.

"Emma, I haven't had a bonfire party since I was 13 and we almost killed the dog, it's not exactly my forte." I kept my eyes glued to the front of the room, attempting to look as innocent as possible.

"Why do you need it to be your forte to have one? I didn't even think bonfire parties could be a forte, come on it'll be fun." Emma nudged me.

"And where do you expect to have this bonfire party?" I scoffed, looking down at my book and scribbling down some notes.

"At our flat."

I froze and put down my pencil. I looked at her finally, her eyes wide with anticipation. "Correct me if I'm wrong, sweetie, but don't fireworks have to be sort of... Outside?"

"Yes, I'm not stupid. Mia is staying with her family while she's on maternity leave, so we have the garden to ourselves. That's if nobody else snatches it up before we do."

"Mia... Tell me who she is again."

"Ground floor, ginger, hella pale."

"Ah yes, that's right..." I nodded, going back to writing my notes. "It's not a bad idea. But why are you suddenly suggesting this, you have never wanted to do this in the past."

"So I can talk to Roger about everything, and so you can spend some time with lover boy without it being alcohol induced or work related." She seemed proud of herself, going back to writing her own notes.

Before I could say anything, there was a faint knock on the lecture room's door. Professor Ross stopped mid-sentence, going over to the door and opening it up, his eyes still on the chalkboard. 

"Yes?" He didn't even look at who was outside, he spoke to anybody the way he wanted to, depending on the way he was feeling at the time.

"Uhm, is this Professor Ross' room?" I heard a faint voice coming from outside, though I couldn't see the person saying it. "I've just moved here, and they told me this was the room." There was a strong accent to the voice, as well as a male tone, and I couldn't tell if it was American or some other accent.

Professor Ross looked at the boy and raised his eyebrow. "Oh, you're the exchange student. You're late. Take a seat near the back, that's where the empty seats are. I'll catch you up later."

In walked in a tall lad, swoopy blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He wore a sweatshirt and flared jeans, topped with the new Adidas releases. He made his way through the sea of staring eyes, looking around to find a spare seat. He decided on the table besides Emma and I. Did we seriously seem like the only approachable ones in the class?

He shot us a quick smile and sat down as Professor Ross continued his lecture. Emma looked at the boy and leaned over me to talk to him.

"Hi." She whispered, getting his attention.

He glanced at her, whispering back. "Hello." He seemed a bit quiet.

"Where are you from?" Emma asked. Talk about being blunt.

"Norway." He simply answered, looking at us properly. "I know the accent does sound a bit uh... American? Most Norwegian people do sound like that."

"Ah right... I'm Emma." She held out her hand across me, it being met by the boy's in a friendly shake. "And this is Maria."

"I'm Albert. It's nice to meet you." He nodded, smiling at us again. He leaned in a bit, dropping his voice a little. "Is he always this moody?" He gestured to Professor Ross.

"Yes." I answered. "Always."

"Great. I should've stayed in Norway."

//

The library was pretty quiet that day. Especially since Emma had decided not to stay with me on my study break and went home instead to practice some piano stuff. After all, she probably had more chance of passing with flying colours than I had. I think I'd be lucky if I passed by a few marks.

That's what my brain led me to think, anyways, as my head had trouble getting round management theory. Page 281 and still I couldn't seem to understand the whys of the industry. I prayed that the next page would contain more of the same topic, hoping that my understanding would be solidified rather than left on a loose string. But, to my disappointment and anger, I looked over to the other side of the book to see that pages 282 and 283 had been ripped out. Seemed like someone also had struggles in the same area.

I clenched my jaw, taking a deep breath and slamming the book down next to me on the comfy sofa I was situated on. I threw myself back, slapping my hands over my face in frustration. It didn't matter how much I tried, something always had to get in the way of making life easy for me to get through. Even if it was just a stupid page being ripped out of a stupid book.

I was startled when I felt the space on the sofa next to me sink down, causing my body to lean to one side. I didn't take my hands away from my face, however, I just sat there in annoyance and disappointment.

"Having a tough day, love?" The voice was so familiar, I'd be a fool not to recognise who it was.

That's when I finally took my hands down from my face, met by the concerned gaze of Brian, who had a stack of papers in his hands along with a book. I nodded, chewing on the inside of my cheek timidly. "Yeah... You could say that."

He set down his belongings on the other side of him and focussed his attention on me. Every time he did that, it send waves of butterflies through my stomach, cartwheeling and tumbling around every inch of my body.

"What's up?" His eyes bore into mine, his filled up to the brim of sympathy and interest.

"I'm just.." I leaned my head back on the sofa, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm trying to hard to grasp and understanding of this fucking topic and the fucking page is fucking missing in the fucking book and I'm going to fucking fail, for fuck's sake." I closed my eyes and whimpered.

"Love, any more fucks and you'll be having yourself a reputation." He chuckled, which sent another wave of butterflies through me. "Let me have a look."

I sighed and handed him the heavy book, which was still on the page I was working from. I looked up at him as he looked down at the pages, his hazel eyes dancing over the ink spattered paper below him. His mouth hung slightly open as he took it in, his teeth possessing a sharpness I'd never noticed before. I took this moment as an opportunity to look at him in full. His knees were very bony, and you could see the structure of his caps and cartilage even over the grey flares he was wearing. He was wearing a tight black shirt, the sleeves reaching just below his elbows. It had buttons on the chest area, all of which were undone, of course. And his hair... Well, I looked and looked at his hair for the longest. Each curl looked so precise and not one looked out of place. It framed his face well, complimenting his godly bone structure. All in all, this man was the epitome of perfection. And it took me up until that moment to realise that.

"Maria...?" He finally spoke up, his eyes still ghosting over the pages.

"Hm?" I replied, still in a semi-trance.

"Have you checked the back page?" He looked at me finally, causing me to snap out of my thoughts out of fear he might have noticed me gawking at him. I took the book from his hands as I saw a smirk play on his face.

"Why would I check the back page?" I tried to push off the embarrassment – he'd clearly caught me staring.

"Because that's where people tend to put pages that have been ripped out by accident." He turned around and grabbed his stack of papers, putting them on his lap.

"Don't be silly, they'd just staple it back in—Oh..." I frowned when I saw he was right. Pages 282 and 283 were in fact slotted into the back by the last person who took this book out of the library. "Thanks..." I glanced up at him.

"Not a problem." He smiled, sitting back and opening the papers, grabbing a red pen. He then opened the book next to him and swapped gazes from the book and the papers, writing over someone else's work in the red.

"What are you doing?" I asked, scrunching up my eyebrows.

"Huh?" He asked. "Oh, this?" He looked down at the papers, scratching his chin. "Well, I do some part time teaching for year 9s to make some extra money. I have to mark a load of tests." He gave me a small smile. "Being an aspiring rockstar doesn't pay the rent."

"Not yet." I nudged him, causing him to blush. "But, wow... Teaching? I can hardly stand my brother, let alone an entire class of high-schoolers." I stifled a chuckle, looking down at my book. 

"It's not so bad after a while. They tend to listen when they know that their teacher plays the guitar in a rock band." He chuckled, continuing his marking. "You have a brother?"

"I do have a brother." I said as-a-matter-of-factly. "The most annoying 14-year-old on this planet. Do I like him? Not really. But do I tolerate him when I have to be around him? Absolutely."

"I wish I had a brother or a sister growing up. It was always a little lonely as a child. I remember correctly, I was supposed to have an older sister, but... Chances were that she didn't make it." He smiled sadly, clearly touched by this aspect of his life.

"Brian... I'm so sorry." I looked at him with sympathetic eyes. 

"It is a sad thing, but then again, it gave me more time to practice music and looking at stars. That's what she'd want, after all."

"Looking at stars takes practice?" I asked, looking at him, to which he looked back with wide eyes.

"Naturally." He responded, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You have to know what angle a Cancer has to look at to make sure he sees their constellation."

"You're a Cancer. That explains a lot." I nodded.

"Yeah? How so?"

"You're compassionate and very optimistic. Basic traits of a Cancer."

"You believe in astrology?"

"Don't be so surprised, I have no other option than to rely on fate and whether or not its written in the stars sometimes."

"And you are a...?"

"Pisces."

"Ahhh..." He laughed to himself, shaking his head.

"What now?"

"I should have known."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, love." He looked up at me finally, leaning into me, his face mere inches away from mine. "It's just that you're a sensitive little kitten, aren't you?" He smirked playfully, no doubt missing the shift of my expression, just a revelation of how he made me feel when he was this close to me.

"You have it all figured out, don't you?" I whispered to him, looking down at his lips. They looked so inviting in the moment until he pulled away.

"I definitely do, Maria." He smiled innocently, going back to marking his papers.

//

An hour had passed, and I felt like my eyes were about to fall out of my head. Brian had managed to shuffle himself into a position where I was laid back against him and his arm was wrapped around me. It felt so comfortable. It made studying a lot less stressful and more bearable.

It was evident to me that Brian's sensitivity and shyness was just a top layer of himself, one that everyone saw. But the more I got to know him, the more those layers were being stripped away, revealing a smooth-talking, teasingly gorgeous man. Who was also sensitive and just as shy. I just hoped to God that I was making the right choice in letting him into my bubble.

"Brian?" I mumbled, my head resting against his bony collar bone.

"Hm?"

"I was talking to Emma earlier on. She said that we should have some type of bonfire party." I looked up at him. "Like all of us. You and the boys and Mary. And Emma's sister."

He looked back at me, his eyes dancing around a bit before straining his mouth into a compromised expression, nodding slowly. "That doesn't sound like such a bad idea, love. Do you want to do that?"

"It'd be nice, I guess. It just isn't my scene, though. I think fireworks are a bit... Loud. Too loud. They set my anxiety off. But I still would love to see you all."

"Aww..." Brian cooed, coming down to plant a kiss on my hair. "Don't worry. If the fireworks get too much for you, I'll protect you." He whispered, chuckling before squeezing me slightly with his arm.

"Cliché. Again." I rolled my eyes. "Another thing, Bri..." His eyebrows rose a bit when I called him by his nickname, but it came out so naturally and felt so natural in the conversation, so neither of us brought it up. "Is Roger okay?"

Brian's relaxed face became one of discomfort, and he bit on his lip nervously. I furrowed my eyebrows, sitting up and turning to lean on him in a way I could face him directly. "Brian?"

"He's uh... He's fine. Been feeling a little stressed, I think."

"Is it true that he's dropping out?"

"Yeah, but... That's not what's stressing him out." He glanced at me before looking down at his papers blankly.

"Then what is it? Emma's getting upset at him for not talking to her and she's getting stressed out herself and it's hard seeing her like that—"

"He slept with someone else."

I'm sorry, what?


	15. strange and unknown

15 ~ strange and unknown ~

"I swear I'm going to kill that blonde bastard." I clenched my jaw, arms folded as I moped my way down the firework aisle of the shop. Freddie emerged behind me, grabbing my arm.

"Darling, you're not even looking."

"Fred, I can't concentrate on shopping for fireworks now that I know that my best friend is being fucked over, once again, by a little boy that bangs drums for a living!" I raised my voice, attracting the attention of people around us.

Freddie hushed me, pulling me back and facing me directly. "That boy doesn't know how to keep it in his trousers, I am aware of that. But he likes Emma. You can tell it, darling, it's undeniable. So, you cannot... No matter what... You cannot tell Emma about this."

"Are you insane??" I whisper-shouted at him, leaning closer to him. "Do you realise how much Emma likes Roger? This will break her, and I can't let her go about her life like nothing's wrong."

"I know, I know, dear, I honestly know." Fred whispered back. "There's nothing I want more than to slap that boy silly, but you can't mention it. It'll only make things worse. Roger does this all the time, and if he spends more than one night with someone, he really does like them."

I sighed, turning to look at the fireworks on the racks. "That Daisy was too quiet for my liking, I knew she was fucking shady."

"Unfortunately, darling, she will be hanging around us a lot more now that Mary is friends with her. My suggestion is you make sure Emma is present whenever we're all together. That way, Daisy will get it through her head that Rog is taken and is most definitely not up for grabs." He gave me a toothy grin. "Now, let's look for some real bangers, so to speak." He winked at me and nudged me. "Speaking of, how's Brian?"

"Seriously, Fred?" I had a hard time transitioning from the intense conversation about Emma to the boy I was essentially seeing. "H-He's fine, I think? He seemed fine when I saw him last, but that was also when he told me about Roger and once he told me, I flipped. Naturally. And he gave me a huge lecture about not telling Emma, like you did." I rolled my eyes.

"Maria, we have known him a lot longer than you have. I'm sorry, darling, but it really doesn't mean anything." Freddie practically pleaded, furrowing his eyebrows. Perhaps he did have a point – they did know Roger inside out, after all. And at the end of the day, the less Emma knew, the less she would hurt.

-

I shot up from my position, leaning on Brian. My eyebrows furrowed in pure rage and I'd never seen Brian's eyes widen that quickly. "I'm sorry, come again?" My voice had raised, alerting Brian even more.

"Love, calm down, ok?" He sat forward, holding his hands up. "I-It's... It's normal."

"Normal?!" I yelled, my hand flying out and almost whacking Brian in the face. "How can that be a normal fucking thing to do?! He's literally cheated on my best friend, this is not okay!"

"Maria, please." Brian pleaded, his hand grabbing onto my wrist and bringing it towards him. "Please. Just listen to me." He looked deep into my eyes, the orbs practically begging. "Roger cannot control himself." He started with a shaky breath, looking down at my hand and interlacing his fingers with mine. "It's extremely rare when Roger gives a woman a second look. It most likely meant absolutely nothing. Okay?"

"So... Am I supposed to just not say anything to Emma about this then?"

"No! No, no, no... You can't tell her a single word." He whispered, shaking his head, leaning closer to me. "Promise me, you won't tell her about this."

I scoffed, shaking my head, looking away momentarily. "Bri..."

-

"O-Okay... Fine..." I sighed, nodding slowly. "I'm sorry, Fred. But I'm relying on you and I'm trusting that you and Brian know what you're talking about." I pointed a finger at him, giving him a stern look. "Now..." I slowly looked back at the firework boxes, picking one up. "How about this one?"

"Please, dear." Freddie scoffed, picking up a larger box with an assortment of different fireworks. "The bigger, the better, darling. We should know that." He winked, putting it in the shopping trolley next to him.

"Speak for yourself, hun." I huffed, looking over the shelves.

"You mean..." Freddie started, walking with me as we moved down the aisle. "You've never...?"

"No I haven't, can we not talk about it?" I blushed out of embarrassment at my lack of a sex life. "What will we be eating, Fred? I'm thinking—"

"A stunner like you has never had a good dicking?" Freddie said almost way too loud, causing me to spin around and whack him on the arm.

"Shut up!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He held his hands up, an eruption of giggles spilling from his mouth. But, I wasn't giggling. I was nowhere near it.

"It's not funny, Fred, I'm genuinely embarrassed by it." I felt my cheeks go bright red and I turned my head away, hoping to escape the conversation.

"I'm sorry, darling, truly. I didn't realise it was such a sensitive topic. Don't worry, Maria, I know for a fact you won't be a pure little virgin girl forever." I heard him chuckle. "You've already kissed our poodle-hair softie, so you're partly there—"

I widened my eyes and spun around, staring Freddie dead in the face. "You what?"

"Did you honestly think I'd pass out after drinking?" He chuckled. "I saw it, darling, and I must say for a virgin, you know how to eat someone's face." He winked at me, lightening the mood a whole lot.

"Let's just... Stop with this conversation, yeah?" I said through the feeling of giggles bubbling up from my throat but were never released.

"Consider it done." Freddie leaned in and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek.

//

We'd managed to pick up a variety of fireworks at a pretty good discount – oh, the benefits of having a friend who knew everyone. With Brian being a vegetarian, Freddie and I had been very considerate regarding the food for the party. I knew that Emma would have killed me if I didn't at least suggest hot dogs, so I played it safe and went for an even balance between meat and non-meat. My plan to not let Brian feel secluded in his lifestyle choices was to also not eat any meat that night, eating vegetarian with him. Two little veggies together.

Freddie and I had decided to hang at my flat for a bit whilst Emma was out with Roger. I must say, I was reluctant to let her go out with him that day, but there was no way I was telling her about his indiscretions – especially now that both Freddie and Brian had given me the lecture on the wider context.

I plonked down next to Freddie, both of us with a mug of tea in our hands. There was a bit of silence, the comfortable kind.

"How's the Britannia treating you then?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"It's beautiful. The architecture, that is." He smiled. "The landlord is a bit of a twat, but you know... That's showbiz." He lifted his mug up before sipping the piping hot tea inside it.

"Yeah..." I huffed out a small chuckle, nodding slowly. "I'm sorry I haven't been of much help... That's the only thing I should have been doing with you lot. You know, the work experience."

"Oh, don't be silly, lovie, it's unpaid." He waved his hand in dismissal. "Although..." Oh, God... I know that tone. "There is something you could maybe do for me. For us."

"And that is...?" I raised my eyebrow.

"What do you think about selling Roger's car?"

"I'd like to live to at least 25, thank you."

"Seriously, Maria," Freddie laughed, shaking his head. "Trident studios open bookings for normal folk like you and me. But it's not cheap." He sighed. "Do you think... You could call them and see if there's any slots available? You know, I still want you to get the work experience down. As a friend, of course." He batted his eyes at me.

"Sure... I'll try." I gave him a warm smile. "What's brought this on?"

"Well..." He set the tea on the coffee table and reached into the pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a collection of papers. "I found some notes from when I was in my old band... Back in '68. I elaborated on the lyrics, if you will, and I only want to finish the song in full once I know what the sound is. Therefore, I need to record it, darling."

He passed me the paper, letting me look at the lyrics Freddie obviously kept so sacred.

Can you hear me you peers and privvy counsellors  
I stand before you naked to the eyes  
I will destroy any man who dares abuse my trust

"Fred, this is pretty good." I flipped the paper over, revealing more lyrics.

You are mine, I possess you  
I belong to you forever

I smiled, looking up at him. "I'll call them when I get a chance. I promise." I handed him the paper back. "How come you haven't performed it?"

"Darling, I like to keep certain things a mystery and this song cannot be some generic rock and roll hit. It's miscellaneous, it's strange, and it's of the unknown. It must come from nowhere to the public eye. But it can't come from nowhere if we have nowhere to record it. And once we record it, darling..." He smirked, sipping his tea again. "The public will bloody love it!"

"I'm sure they will, Freddie." I nodded at him, grinning. "I seriously have so much optimism for you lads." I trailed off, looking ahead of me. My eyes wandered around in thought. "All four of you are insanely talented, I don't think I've ever heard a student band quite like yours."

"Why, thank you, darling. Is that insight stemming from your expertise in management or is it a personal opinion?"

"Both." I shot Freddie a side smile. "I love your music. But your attitude towards opportunity is so strong. You, in particular, know how to get deals done. And I'm nothing but a burden to your journey to success."

"Bollocks." Freddie rolled his eyes, his arm wrapping around me and pulling me into his side. "It's wonderful to have friends, lovie, and you are a wonderful friend. A few weeks can tell a lot about a person and it took me one to know how genuine you are. Don't say that you're a burden because you are far from it. We all adore the shit out of you." He squeezed me, pressing a kiss to my head.

"And you're very good for Brian..." He whispered into my hair before pulling back.

I couldn't help but show a small, shy smile, my head tilting forwards and my gaze averting down. "I do like him. A lot."

"It's mutual, darling. I promise. It'll all fall into place, don't you worry." He gulped his tea, setting the empty mug on the coffee table. "Thank you for the tea, Maria, I'll have to steal your technique."

"Brandy." I smirked, earning an impressed and pleased expression from the man in front of me, who rose to his feet.

"I like it." He nodded approvingly. "I must get going, I promised I'd see Mary before her shift."

"Of course." I stood up, walking Freddie to the door.

"Have you visited Biba yet, darling?"

"Oh... No, I haven't. Haven't really gotten the time to."

"Darling, you must. You'd look absolutely ravishing in their winter collections."

He gave me a tight hug, before turning. "Tell me as soon as you get in contact with Trident, we can't miss a thing."

"Will do, Mr Mercury." I grinned at the sarcastic name.

"Don't go all assistant on me, lovie, you're a faux manager, not a French maid."

"Bulsara, then—"

"Stick with Mercury."

"Yeah, yeah... Go, you'll be late."

We said our goodbyes, and I shut the door.

Stay silent. Don't say a word to Emma. There's nothing wrong with stopping your best friend from being hurt.

I sighed and carried on with the rest of my day, the topic of Roger's actions slowly but surely escaping my mind.


	16. guess what

16 ~ guess what ~

"Being indie isn't a personality trait, it's a lifestyle."

"Actually shut the fuck up, you were born singing The Seeds."

"Not the only seeds."

"You disgusting cunt!"

I burst out laughing, whacking Sam on the arm. It earned an amused laugh from Emma, who was sipping on her wine.

Sam was our friend from up North. He'd been there for both of us through thick and thin throughout college, and he never failed to add energy to the room he entered. Whilst Emma and I had moved down to London for university, Sam had stayed in Yorkshire and decided to attend Hull University. It was very rare that we ever saw each other, but when he announced that he was now living down South permanently, Emma and I were more than thrilled. See, Sam's sexual preference made him an outcast in society, unfortunately, and we had witnessed the most malicious forms of hate crime you could imagine. But then again, the words 'fag' and 'fairy' were just common back then. The only thing Emma and I could do was to support him and make sure he felt loved 100%.

"Listen, London may be an absolute shithole." Sam started, taking a seat next to me on the sofa. "But it's the most versatile place you can be at the moment. And I'm hitting up every gay bar I can find."

"You know what? Go for it, Sam, you only live once, babes." Emma encouraged him, taking a seat at her piano and absently pressing down on a few keys.

"I'm just fucking... shocked that you're gonna be staying down here now, that means we can see a lot more of you!" I grinned, squealing a little in excitement.

"Precisely." He nodded. "So, enough about me, what have you two slags been up to? Please tell me you've actually been having a life and not just studying, because that's fucking abhorrent and I will literally make a b-line for King's Cross."

"Actually, Samuel." Emma smirked. "We've managed to get ourselves some lads."

Before Sam could answer, I quickly interjected. "She has a lad." I looked over at Emma distastefully, raising an eyebrow. "My lad is not my lad."

"He's basically your lad." Emma rolled her eyes, looking over at Sam. "She's so stubborn."

"You don't have to tell me that, Emma, I am well aware that our Maria is a bit special." He gave himself a sympathetic smile.

"Um, I am here, you know." I leaned forward, disturbing the space between Emma and Sam.

"Yes, you are here. And I am telling you that Brian is basically your lad at this point."

It's fucking futile. Why did Emma always have to be so blunt about everything?

I grimaced at myself, the phone in the hallway ringing. I got up and left my two friends to bitch about me on their own. As I picked up the phone, I heard Emma mentioning Roger and I faltered slightly, the discomfort of remembering the situation. I closed my eyes, shaking my head as I pressed the phone against my ear. "Hello?"

"Maria, darling, is that you?"

"Hi, Fred." I smiled into the phone. "You alright, aren't you supposed to be in a lecture or something?"

"I don't need to go to a silly lecture, dear, I'm the perfect fashionista." I could feel the sass and the confidence radiating off the receiver.

"I can't argue with that." I giggled, receiving one back from the singer.

When our giggles died down, I could here a sigh on Freddie's end. "Brian was going to call, but he overslept. We were rehearsing until the early hours of the morning and... Ugh, I don't know, Maria, he had a lecture at 9 and woke up at half past 10."

This was probably the first time I'd heard Freddie so distraught. It was a difficult thing to be witness to. "Tell him it's alright. I'll call him later. He's just... working really hard to get where he wants."

"We're all working our arses off, darling. We're writing, jamming, everything. We're desperate for a break."

"And you'll get that break, don't worry. You have the drive, Fred." I smiled, hoping to drill the encouragement through the phone. "I'm calling Trident later, I'm sure they'll see how talented Queen are and you'll be rockstars before you know it."

Much to my confusion, there was no answer. The silence lingered like a bad scent. You've said too much, you stupid bitch. Shit, shit, shit, shit...

"Freddie?" I said quietly.

"I knew there was a reason Brian liked you as much as he does."

I admit, I was taken aback by this. Brian had talked about me... To Freddie. Without me being there. And by the sounds of it, it's good things. I stifled a flattered laugh, my cheeks burning up. I wasn't used to the attention.

"Oh..." I sighed out, my cheeks aching from the smile on my face.

"Don't you worry, darling, I see a romance there."

"You do...?"

"Of course."

I was about to ask him about it further, but I heard my name being called from the other room where Emma and Sam were, so I gave Freddie one last bit of encouragement before exchanging goodbyes.

I trudged into the living room, where Emma was stood up and looking at me excitedly.

"Maria Brennan."

"Emma Audsley."

"Guess where Sam's working?"

I raised an eyebrow at Sam, a curious smile creeping on my lips. "Where...?"

"Trident studios, I don't know if you've heard of it—"

"SAM!" I yelled, grabbing his arms and pulling him up from the sofa. "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" I squeezed him into a hug, causing him to splutter in amusement. I heard Emma behind me squealing.

"I don't get what the big deal is!" Sam laughed through restricted breath.

"Sorry, fuck!!" I screamed, pulling away from him and running my hands over my face. "Bloody hell." I took a deep breath and grinned at my best friend. "I... May or may not have a small, teeny, tiny request." I looked up at him with hopeful eyes.

"It's a huge request."

"Shut up, Emma!" I waved my arm in Emma's direction in dismissal. "See... Me and Emma have these friends—"

"You have friends?"

"Sam, this is important! We have friends in a band and like... They need a place to record. Could you uh... like... ask?" That was probably the worst way to ask that, but what can you do? The boys needed a place to work and I was sure as hell going to do whatever to make sure they got their opportunity.

"I'm only an assistant, Maria."

"Please..." I whispered, holding onto his hands and giving them a slight squeeze to let him know I was dead serious about this situation. "I need you to do this for me..."

With a sigh, Sam nodded. "I'll do my best."

I sighed in relief, grabbing his face and squeezing him once again, his eyes darting over to Emma in an alarmed expression. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

//

It had been a day. And I hadn't heard anything back from Trident. Sam had told me that on his shift that night, he'd put in an application for a slot. I was more than aware that the date of the booking would be a month or two away, but the call to confirm the booking would come practically immediately. Well, it should have.

I was doing my normal morning routine, making Emma and I some breakfast, which was just some generic cereal. Cashing in them big bucks, my friends. I'd put some Skeeter Davis on the record player at a minimal volume, as to not wake Emma up. I'd look over at her sleeping form on the sofa every so often to make sure she didn't start stirring. The poor thing had been working all night, trying to catch up on notes she'd not had a chance to take during lectures.

I had gotten up at 7:30 that morning, which was earlier than when I usually got up. My hair was pulled back messily into a low, loose ponytail, and my oversized shirt hung above my knees as I poured milk into my Cheerios. I left Emma's untouched by the milk until she'd woken up.

After I'd cleaned up and finished my breakfast, I made my way to the answering machine, not expecting any flashing. But, that day, the red light couldn't have been more obvious. Not thinking much of it, I pressed down the playback button, digging into the pocket of my jacket that was hanging on the hook in the hallway for the key to the flat.

"Hello, this is Alex Robinson from Trident Studios. This is a message left for Miss Maria Brennan. We received your application and have bookings open – please ring us back to allocate your preferred time. Thank you."

I almost choked on the remaining Cheerios rolling around in my mouth as I rushed to jot down the number they left, my heart going fifty to the dozen.

Well done, Maria. You did something right.

//

I was so excited to break the news to Freddie. And when I saw him and Brian trudging across the grass on the Imperial campus that very same day, a jolt of energy shot through me. I grinned and sped up my walking, making a b-line for the two boys. Brian's gaze flowed up from the ground, soon meeting my own gaze, one of his adorable toothy grins matching my own.

Freddie seemed equally as excited to see me and nodded his head as a polite hello.

"Hi..." I whispered with an excited tone to my voice. "Guess what?" My gaze flickered rapidly between the two, their eyes contorting in confusion. "Guess which little Yorkshire lass got you boys a slot at a certain studio in a certain city centre?"

Brian knew nothing about this, as I figured when Freddie was the only one reacting the way I had expected. But he was quick to catch on after watching the clogs spin round in his head.

"No..." Brian mumbled, an impressed smile spreading on his face. "You didn't."

"Oh, I did." I couldn't stop the grin on my face as Brian scooped me up in his arms, spinning me around. I squealed a little, clinging onto him for dear life.

Both Brian and Freddie peppered rapid little kissed on my face, their colognes intoxicating me. I coughed a little, causing them both to back off. I pouted, looking at Brian. "You can come back." I pulled him back towards me, giving him a comforting and happy hug.

"Thanks." Freddie mumbled, faux sadness drenched in his words.

"You know I love you, Fred, shut up." I laughed.

"I know, darling, and thank you very much for doing this for us. It's greatly appreciated."

"I can't believe it..." Brian's eyes remained wide. "We're actually going to get to record. Like, properly." His hands were splayed on my shoulders, the long digits of his fingers squeezing me. "How did you manage to get through to them?" He looked down at me.

"My friend works at Trident." I smirked, glancing at Freddie. "Managed to boost us up to the top of the waiting list. Just need to ring back to book the time and stuff. I just thought I'd tell you before we did that."

Brian sighed in delight, shaking his head and looking around frantically. His textbooks were on the floor, most likely getting wet from the dewy texture of the November weather. It was clear that he was freaking out. I couldn't help but giggle at his excitement, viewing it as one of the cutest things I had ever been witness to.

His head finally dropped back down, eyes staring straight into mine. His hands came up to caress my face, my cheeks feeling warm under his touch. He brought his face closer to mine, the excitement still saturated in his expression. "You are amazing." And then, he pressed a firm kiss to my forehead.

"I'm not." I said bashfully, shaking my head and looking in Freddie's direction to prevent the spell Brian constantly put me under whenever I was in his presence. "We just need to get Roger to sell his car now."

"Shit." Freddie face-palmed himself, exhaling heavily. "Don't worry, darling, he's going to sell that damn automobile if it's the last thing he does."

"It shouldn't be that difficult." I started, shrugging. "He's got no issue with not committing, right?" I raised and lowered an eyebrow sourly.

I heard Brian tut, patting my back. "Maria, love, you are a fiery little girl sometimes, aren't you?"

"Only when Roger does something wrong."


	17. transformed

17 ~ transformed ~

Bonfire night was a night I could have used to help forget about Emma's situation, even though Emma didn't know it was Emma's situation quite yet. Perhaps seeing Roger and Emma interact again might've reminded me that I shouldn't overreact when I wasn't aware of the context. Or that I shouldn't get involved in other people's business.

I pondered on these thoughts, eyeliner in hand. I was taking my time doing myself up, wanting to make sure that I looked my absolute best. Now, I know that it's very stereotypical of a woman to dress up for a man and a man only, but this was the first time Brian would be seeing me fully done up – I wasn't going to let that go to waste.

It was peaceful that day; Emma had gone out to get herself some hot dogs since we ended up eating the ones Freddie and I had bought. Hey, money was tight. Mia from downstairs had left in the early hours and I was quick to rush and bag the garden keys before anybody else could. Music was absently playing in the background whilst I stared at myself in the mirror, towel in my hair and dressing gown on. The atmosphere in the flat was so much lighter and easier, which made it all the easier to get ready for the night ahead.

Whilst tilted my head up, checking my jaw for any foundation unevenness, an audible knock from the door overrode the music. I reached up to my towel on my hair and pulled it off, saving myself the embarrassment of that image. I trudged over to the door, pulling it open, my eyes feasting on a beautiful pair of hazel eyes.

"It's one in the afternoon, you're early." I joked, raising an eyebrow.

"I am sorry, miss, but I think I have the wrong flat." The man in front of me bounced back, turning to walk away.

"I don't think so." I laughed and pulled Brian's sleeve; his figure being dragged into the flat.

Brian chuckled, ruffling his hair up ever so slightly. "I just wanted to get a moment alone with you before we have to socialise with everyone else." He grinned at me, reaching out and pushing a bit of my damp hair behind my shoulder. His eyes gazed over me, silence settling in the hallway of my flat. I found myself completely entranced with Brian and his undeniable beauty. His hand lingered on my shoulder, the pads of his fingertips grazing on the fluffy texture of my dressing gown, yet it felt like he was splaying the entire area of his hand on my bare skin. Perhaps I was just caught up in this moment of us staring at each other that I wanted him to just pull me into an intense embrace, and not let me go until the early hours of the next morning.

Now's not the time, Maria...

I forced my eyes away from Brian's face, tightening the knot on my dressing gown. I gave him an innocent smile of dismissal. "I guess it's pretty difficult to have some genuine alone time with Freddie and Co prowling around."

He pulled his hand back and brought it up to rub the back of his neck, taking a deep breath. "Well, I thought I better just ask you this before everyone gets here..."

I raised an eyebrow, tilting my head to the side. "Ask me what?"

"Well..." He stuttered a bit, stifling a pathetic laugh, shaking his head. "No. It doesn't matter, it's stupid. What time's everyone coming?" He shook off this seemingly nervous demeanour and walked into the living room, leaving me in the hallway.

"What..." I whispered to myself, tailing him. "Brian, is there something wrong?" I ignored his question and stood in the doorway with my arms crossed.

"You and Freddie bought good fireworks, he showed me them—"

"Brian!" I raised my voice, for the first time aimed at him directly. It startled him, as he finally acknowledged my words. He refused to look at me, though, as he sat himself down on the sofa. And, here, returned the uneasy demeanour from before.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I walked over to him, sitting myself next to him. I looked down at his hands, his fingers fiddling with each other. I reached out steadily, covering his hands with mine. He finally lifted his head and looked at me. He was scared.

"Brian, what's wrong?" I spoked quietly, the distance between us being restricted.

"Nothing's wrong, exactly. I was just thinking. Pondering over something for a bit." He looked down at our hands, moving his on top of mine. His thumb ran over my knuckles, as if it was a selfish act to calm himself down.

"Go on." I coaxed him.

"Where... What are 'we', exactly...?" He looked up at me, hope brimming in his eyes.

What are we? I don't even know myself.

"Um..." I started but trailed off. I saw Brian's expression drop in disappointment, and I was quick to shake my head. "No, I—"

I was cut off by the door slamming and an exaggerated sigh coming from the hallway.

"Maria, I had to fight people for the last of the hot dogs!" Emma complained as she got into the living room. Her actions were halted when she saw me and Brian sat on the sofa, whatever she was about to say hanging on her lips, but not leaving them.

"I better get going." Brian sighed, raising to his feet. He looked down at me, his lips quivering in anticipation. "I'll see you later..." It was obvious he didn't say what he wanted to say, and his voice had reduced to its regular softness he showed around people he didn't know. Of course, he knew Emma, but nowhere near enough to be open around her.

"O-oh, okay." I answered, staying put whilst he left.

What the fuck just happened?

"Okay, what the fuck just happened?" Emma asked once she heard the door shut. She put the shopping bag down on the kitchen counter, looking at me from the distance. "Why is everyone being so weird?" She whined, walking over to me in a few strides, her hands placed on her hips.

"What do you mean?" I asked her, looking up from my position on the sofa.

"Everyone's being fucking weird and it's freaking me out!"

"Like who?" I scoffed, getting up and going over to the mirror once again and picking up my eyeshadow. I blended out the black that was already there against my eyeliner, darkening my eyes and adding a sultry look on my waterline.

"Well, Brian didn't look very happy, you look fucking lost, and I had to ask a weird man in a trench coat outside to get the fuck away from the block!"

I scrunched up my eyebrows, looking at Emma through the reflection of the mirror. "A man in a trench coat?" I asked. That sounded way too familiar and the image bared the same feeling. The man outside The King's Head the night we all went back to Freddie's place... I turned around, slightly worried. "He was just standing outside the flat...?"

"Outside, yeah. Do you know him?"

"No... But I've seen him before. I think. If we're talking about the same person." I shook my head, the idea being very farfetched but, shit, you can't be too careful. "We probably aren't talking about the same person." I dismissed the subject, turning back to the mirror and continuing with my makeup.

//

Roger was the first person to arrive.

I had retreated myself back into my bedroom, using the excuse of checking over my attire. I don't think I was able to cope with being alone with Roger and Emma at that point, it was too tempting to open my mouth, or at least be a sarcastic bitch to Roger. And we didn't need that.

I shifted my thoughts onto Brian and what had happened earlier that day. It wasn't that I was scared to have something with Brian, it was just the fear of rejection that loomed over me every day. I hadn't ever had a boyfriend before then, and I didn't know how to go about being serious with someone. My parents had constantly taught me to be 'pure' or 'wait until marriage', though I didn't think it came from a place of genuine concern. They just didn't want to deal with an adult daughter who has a life separate from theirs. But it was the constant reminders of the things my mum would tell me about boys and how she attempted to raise me that pulled me back – it was like an invisible fence standing in the way between me and what was truly going to make me happy.

I ran my hands over my skirt, straightening out the strong material, the beige colour contrasting with the black and white pattern of my high-neck top. I had tucked in the top, which gave me some type of body shape. Had to give Brian something to look at, after all. I had let my hair fall freely, my natural waves hanging over my arms.

I could hear Emma giggling at something Roger had said, twisting a knot in the pit of my stomach. What a prick. To distract myself, I sat on my bed and slipped on my beige coloured high heels over my black ankle socks. I straightened up and stared at the wall, sighing heavily. As long as you don't go anywhere near Roger, you don't need to think about it.

"Fuck my life..." I whispered to myself, pulling myself together and making my way back to the living room, where Emma and Roger were stood in the kitchenette area, each of them sipping on a glass of wine. How romantic.

Roger caught me in the doorway, his eyebrows raising and a smile spreading on his face. "Maria, don't you look gorgeous!"

I rolled my eyes out of instinct, but shot him an almost sour smile. "Thanks." I slipped passed him, grabbing a bottle of prosecco. Before I could get a glass out the cabinet, I heard a knock on the door. Thank fuck.

Practically running from my issues, I left the two lovebirds alone and headed to the door, hoping it was someone I could have a nice conversation with. With the prosecco bottle in one hand, I pulled the door open with the other, my eyes meeting Freddie's enthusiasm as he grinned at me. 

"Maria, darling, are you drinking already?" He cackled, leaning in to plant a greeting kiss to my cheek and shimmying passed me. Mary was close behind him, smiling softly at me and pulling me into a gentle hug and following Freddie into the living room. I don't know why I was so taken aback when I saw Brian behind Mary – most likely the encounter earlier that day had pushed my nerves quite a lot.

Nevertheless, I didn't fail to look up at him, dead in the eyes, and get totally lost in them. His own cheeks flushed a light shade of pink as I smiled shyly at him. He did mumble a little 'hi' as he stepped inside and leaned down to press his lips firmly against my temple. He let his breath linger on my hair before slowly pulling away and giving me a toothy grin, those sharp pearls shining at me. Before he left to go join the others, he moved to my ear and said in an almost inaudible whisper. "Keep calm, love." And he made his way passed me. I scrunched my eyebrows together in confusion, my eyes following his tall and lanky figure disappearing into the room ahead of me.

Just as I thought that was it for Freddie's entourage, I was met by one more set of unfamiliar blue eyes.

Daisy.

My eyebrows raised, quick to dismiss the reality of the situation, as I plastered an overly happy smile on my face. "Daisy!"

"Mary invited me; I hope you don't mind!" She shrugged, letting herself in and making her way in the same direction as the others went.

I just stood there, bottle in hand and the front door wide open, trying to comprehend what the fuck just went down. Four people just entered my flat, of which one of them I can't seem to stand.

"Fuck me..." I sighed, slamming the door and walking through into the living room, where everyone had made themselves quite at home. Roger was now sat on the sofa, Emma sat on his lap. Mary and Daisy had situated themselves on the same sofa, Daisy being the thing between them. As I walked over to the kitchen, I snuck a glance at Roger and I could see the discomfort plastered on his face, eyes shifting to Daisy every now and then.

Grabbing some glasses from the cabinet, I placed them all on the counter, free for anyone to get themselves a drink. Pouring myself a rather full glass of prosecco, I turned around to watch everyone from afar. They were all chattering away, talking about God knows what – I couldn't hear the conversations over the multiple voices audible.

This is going to be a long fucking night...

//

I'd never been very good in social situations, even if it was just people I knew. Of course, I loved everyone present – with the exception of Daisy and Roger – but it was difficult to compose myself in a group with secrets, my own secret being known by only Emma and Brian. We'd all gathered in the garden downstairs and the cold November breeze enveloped us like a warm hug – ironic. I pulled my arms around me as though it was going to conserve any more heat, but all it did was remind me why I wore the jacket all the time anyway.

During this time, John had arrived and was currently setting up the fireworks that Freddie and I had bought.

"Make sure you're all well out of the way, I don't want anyone getting burned." John said, backing away from the set fireworks. John was typically quiet and I hadn't spoken to him too much but I knew he was gentle and caring from the few times I had had a conversation with him. 

"We know how to act around fireworks, mate." Roger chuckled, wrapping an arm around Emma, who was – you guessed it – pissed out of her mind.

"Don't be such an arse, Roger, at least Deacy cares." Freddie chimed in, tossing an empty beer can at Roger, the tin ricocheting off of his chest and onto the damp grass. Emma let out an exaggerated gasp, shooting daggers at Freddie.

"You better pick that up!" She slurred, leaning her weight against the blonde next to her.

"God, even when you're drunk, you're still such a mum." I teased, smirking playfully at Emma.

As if on cue, the first set of fireworks that John had laid down shot frantically into the sky, beams of colour igniting the dingy shade of the London night. It shut everyone up, as all our eyes followed the movement, to which it exploded above us. Mix the sight of the fireworks and the scent left over from the jacket potatoes and hot dogs we made earlier that night, and you have yourself the overwhelming feeling of comfort. It was very reminiscent of my teenage years, when I was unbearably naïve, and I believed my parents' decisions were the right ones.

Bonfire night of 1964 really stood out to me and remained a fond memory in my mind. It was just before my father made his money, when we were pretty stripped of a lot of home luxuries. Being reduced these luxuries also meant we were a lot closer, less distracted, and all in all more grateful for what we did have, rather than complain about what we didn't have. Don't get me wrong, my parents were still grade-A twats and were so far up their own arse they could see their own tonsils, but at least the sense of... togetherness was still there.

As well as John's expected arrival, it became apparent that Emma had played her part in matchmaking, as she also invited Ellie over – soon followed by... that lovely Norwegian boy from our management class, Albert. Get the picture? Mhm... They had been talking to each other since Emma introduced them. Both pretty shy people, so it was cute to witness the obvious attraction from both parties.

By the time the second load of fireworks were being lit up, the long sleeves on my shirt were no longer doing their job; I was shivering to the max and I could practically feel all the goose-bumps along my skin. It took a good 10 minutes for the first set to fizzle down, and there was no way I could deal with another 10 in the freezing cold. It was probably about 10pm at this point and it was only getting colder.

I turned to Mary, who was stood next to me. "Hey, I'm gonna go inside. I'm cold." I looked passed her and at Brian, his eyes shifting to look at me at the sound of my voice.

"Oh, okay, are you sure you don't want to watch the last of the fireworks?" Mary asked softly.

"I can see them from the kitchen window, I think, don't worry." I smiled, making my way inside without anymore to say. I heard Daisy laugh loudly at something Roger said and at that moment I was relieved to get the fuck away from the group when I did.

It was quiet in the flat when I got up, used glasses scattered around the place. The flat wasn't much warmer than outside, but it was a sweet relief from being practically frozen to death. I collected the glasses from around the kitchen and living room, going to the sink to wash them up. Luckily for me, the window situated just above the sink, so I could look over everyone outside.

Much to my satisfaction, Ellie and Albert were stood with each other still, engaged in a conversation. Emma and Roger were trying to hold each other's weight from how pissed they both were, Daisy watching them from her stance besides Mary, who had John's drink in her hand as he set up the remaining fireworks. Freddie was stood on his own, swaying around and singing loudly, which I could only just hear from several flights up. But, where's—

"Boo."

I nearly jumped out of my skin, only just catching the glass in my hand with the tips of my fingers. I spun around with wide eyes, but they soon softened when I saw it was just Brian.

"Fuck, don't do that!" I whined, sighing in distress as I turned back to the sink, placing it in the soapy water.

"Sorry..." He shyly apologised, stepping besides me. "You need any help?"

I looked at the line of glasses waiting to be washed, a sigh heaving from my lips. I'd always hated washing up dishes; I hated the feeling of your fingers when they became wrinkly and dry. It was almost like a pet peeve, it cringed me out whenever I had to endure that dryness.

As if he could read my mind, Brian stepped closer, bringing his right hand up to his left, slipping the ring off his pinky finger and placing it on the draining board. "I got you, love."

Something about that sentence send butterflies all through my stomach, and I could feel the redness flushing in my cheeks each second that passed.

I shuffled round the other side of Brian, once again letting my gaze land on the rest of the group outside. Roger and Freddie had gotten into some kind of altercation, though I doubted it was serious at all. I knew they regularly got into fights – add a bit of alcohol to the mix and it's a couple of kids fighting over who gets to sit in the front of the car.

"I'm sorry I was being so weird this afternoon. I got nervous. I don't like rejection." Brian snapped me out of my daze with his soft and gentle chuckle.

How could I reject him?

"Why would I reject you, Mr Astrophysics?" I smirked at him, raising an eyebrow. This lightened the mood and I was blessed with a wide smile on Brian's face. God, you are beautiful...

It seemed to be enough to put him in a content state as he finished washing the remaining glasses in the sink, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Whilst Brian was drying his hands with the nearby towel, we both looked down on Freddie and Roger's argument settling, allowing John to continue with the last of the fireworks.

"God, they're so much... Work." I reached into the bag of marshmallows on the window ledge and took a bite out of it.

"You don't have to actually work with them."

"Excuse me," I mumbled with a mouthful of marshmallow. "I have to be your manager right now!"

He laughed, looking down at my lips. "Well, you haven't done much managing."

"You..." I playfully growled, narrowing my eyes. "I got you a call with Trident, don't push it."

"But what if I like it when I push you?"

"Then you'd be an arsehole."

"But I'm not an arsehole."

"I know."

We both just stood there, my arm resting on the counter next to the sink. The gaze shared between us was intense and blank all at the same time. It was a moment we frequently got but never understood what it meant. But we did understand it this time. We completely understood it. It didn't take a genius to notice the distance between us had substantially decreased, his 6ft 2 figure cowering over me in the most blissful of ways.

His eyes flicked down to my lips, making no attempt to be subtle. It was then that I lost every ounce of my composure, as his own bottom lip slipped between the sharp edges of his pearly white teeth.

The mood was transformed.

"My question still stands." He spoke lowly, eyes boring into mine deeply.

"What question is that?" I spoke just above a whisper.

"What are we, Maria?" His voice had returned to a serious tone, yet the compassion was still there.

However, I couldn't answer his question, as the explosions of the last fireworks erupted, flashes of light taking over every inch of our peripherals. It distracted me from the situation, as my head flicked round to the direction of the sounds and lights.

But my observations were cut short, as Brian brought both his hands up to my face, pulling my head back in his direction. And the next thing I knew, his lips were pressed hesitantly against mine.

Don't back down now, Maria, you've been waiting for this deep down, and you know it.

It took a few moments for me to wrap my head around exactly what was happening, but I eased into it, bringing my hand up to Brian's arm, keeping it in place.

We were getting into it, our lips moving synchronously together as though they were made to fit together perfectly. It took everything in my power not to let out any type of moan or sigh of content, but his movements and blatant experience made it difficult for me to maintain my dignity.

It was a cliché: my 'crush' was kissing me in front of an open window, fireworks going off in the background – mentally and physically.

When Brian did finally pull away, his face stayed dangerously close to mine. Instead of taking away the warmth of each other's presence completely, he rested his forehead on mine, his eyes fluttering shut. I took this time to just look at the man in front of me, and observe how beautiful he actually was. And if I wanted, he could be all mine.

Did I want him to be all mine?

"Does that answer your question?" I whispered.

Without opening his eyes, he whispered back. "I believe so."

"Brian?"

"Hm?"

"My mum would hate you right now."

He just laughed, opening his eyes and pulling away finally. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side as we turned to watch the rest of the fireworks out of my dingy, budget London student flat.

And the answer is yes. I do want him to be all mine.


	18. just keep breathing

18 ~ just keep breathing ~

"You do know about the birds and the bees, don't you?"

I gave Emma an unamused look. "Emma, hun, I'm 22. I know about the birds and the bees."

"I'm just looking out for you! Now that you and Brian are a thing." She grinned at me and squealed a bit, seemingly happy for me. "It's all good knowing how it works but... You have to know how to do it, Maria."

I sighed, quickly becoming embarrassed by the conversation. It was true: I didn't know the ins and outs of sex or how to make it not awkward. Emma had more than enough experience with the opposite sex, and she did have a lot of sex appeal – both of which I lacked a great deal of.

It had been a good week after bonfire night and Brian had become more and more affectionate by the day – he called every morning and every night, with the purpose of making sure I was okay, wishing me a good day and sending me off with sweet dreams.

It was still weird accepting the fact that I had someone in my life in that way. It had only been a week and I was already feeling more complete. I sometimes hate to admit I am the type of girl who can't function without a special someone giving me that special attention. Before Brian, I relied on myself to take care of the loneliness and it didn't end very nicely... But let's not spoil the mood, shall we?

"Maria." I heard Emma's voice in sing-song, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Did you hear what I said?"

No.

"Uh..."

"I'll take that as a no." She shook her head, plonking down next to me. She took my hands in hers and stared deep into my soul – something she always did whenever she wanted to give me serious advice. "If it's going to happen with Brian, it will happen. There's no use forcing it, but don't turn it away if the opportunity comes."

"But how do I know when the opportunity comes?" I whined.

"You'll want it more than you're scared of it." She shot me a comforting smile. "Right." She inhaled, standing up from her position on the sofa. "I'm meeting Roger before class, you okay making your way up on your own?"

My face fell a little at the mention of Roger's name, but I did my best to retract my automatic reaction by nodding and forcing a smile. "No, yeah, I'm fine doing that. I need to go and get some more pasta for tonight before class, so it didn't matter anyway."

As I got up, I noticed the still expression on Emma's face, her eyebrows scrunched up and her head tilted to one side.

"What?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." I let out an airy chuckle that seemed to be a bit more convincing. "Go get your man."

She squealed and once again retreated to that safe, giddy school girl persona she inhabited when she was in deep with a boy. All I could do was shake my head playfully at my best friend, trudging over to the sink to wash out my glass from the night before.

It was only in the corner of my eye did I catch a glimpse of the circular bit of metal on the draining board. I picked it up, bringing it closer to my face.

"Oh, yeah, I don't know who's ring that is, by the way, so I just left it there." Emma said, opening the fridge.

A small smile spread on my lips, the corners threatening to tug up even further. "Yeah..." I started, rolling the accessory round to look at the patterns on it. "It's Brian's."

"Ahhh...." I looked over at Emma, feeling my cheeks only burn up when she wiggled her eyebrows up and down. "And why did he have to take his ring off, Maria, dear?"

"Oh, shut up!" I scoffed, looking back at the ring and slipping it on my index finger. "He took it off so he could wash the dishes. Something you weren't doing whilst you were snogging Roger's face off." I smiled sourly at her, going over to the phone in the hallway.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna tell him he left it here..." I said, picking up the phone and beginning to punch Brian's number in.

"You're going to see him today, why don't you just—"

"I WANNA HEAR HIS VOICE— Oh, Freddie. Hi!" I turned my attention back to the phone when I heard a 'hello' from the other side. Did he hear that? "I just want to s—"

"I'll go get him, darling. I must warn you, he's not been awake for very long, so his voice may be a little rough." With a chuckle, I heard the phone rustle about before hearing nothing but a faint buzz. Great.

"Maria?"

"Hi!" I grinned, resting my forehead against the wall to avoid my inner happiness being shown more than it needed to be.

"Good morning, my love, how are you feeling?" God, his soft voice could just send me into fits of ecstasy.

"I'm fine. I'm really good, actually." I nodded to myself. "How are you? Freddie said you've only just got up, you're usually up early, Bri."

"Yeah... I was finishing up some work for the class I missed." He sounded disappointed, the joy of actually doing work fizzled out. Brian always found happiness within learning, which was one of the things that attracted me to him so much, but this was a very worn out Brian I was talking to currently.

"Why did you miss it, love?" I asked softly, my voice running a little higher.

"Just practicing with the boys... Nothing too important."

"Excuse me? Don't let Fred or Roger hear you say that." I tried to brighten the tone with humour, giggling after my words, but it seemed that Brian wasn't having a successful time being happy at the moment. I sighed into the phone. "Don't call practicing unimportant, Brian." I said just above a whisper. "You know it's important. To all four of you. What's got you thinking this?"

There was a short silence, but I could hear Brian thinking on the other side. He would never leave you hanging in a conversation, no matter how he felt himself. A very selfless man, even in times it didn't suit him.

"My dad... Just... I don't want to let him down, you know? He's taught me so much and he's let me be independent with all my life choices. He even helped me build my guitar. But I can't help but think about the what if's... What if Queen doesn't get anywhere and I've put all my effort into that rather than actually getting my PhD? What if I give up Queen, become a Doctor, and then be forgotten, never knowing what it's like to be a rockstar? What if I try to keep up with both and not give 100% in either? What if—"

"Brian, love, breathe." I interrupted him, not needing to hear any more to get a full grasp of his anxieties. "When I was little, my mum always used to tell me to close my eyes. So, close your eyes."

"Maria, what—"

"Just do it, poodle-head." I said playfully.

"Fine..."

"You doing it?"

"Uh-huh."

"Then she'd tell me to take two deep breaths. On the third one, inhale but don't breathe out."

Without question, I heard Brian do just that. One breath in, one breath out. One breath in, one breath out. One breath in. After about ten seconds of imagining what his beautiful face looked like at that moment, I smiled and spoke again.

"You can breathe out now..." I heard his breath hit the phone on his end as though he was actually next to me, breathing in my ear. "Did you see anything?"

"Can I open my eyes? I feel like Freddie and Roger were looking at me."

"Yes, you can open your eyes." I giggled, shaking my head. "Did you see anything when you held your breath?"

"I did, actually." He sounded surprised. "Did your mum tell you what you were supposed to see?"

"Apparently you're supposed to see what makes your heart happy. The breathing beforehand is cleansing your head of your anxieties at the current time, so your head is open to seeing what its been blocking your heart from feeling. Something like that, anyway..."

"Wow... Your mum is deep into this..."

"It's some type of East Asian meditation. Did it work?"

"I think it did..."

"Awh, I'm glad. You gonna tell me what you saw?"

"You. I saw you first. Then I saw the boys. And then something that looked like a sea of people right in front of me, I could've sworn they were actually there – the cheering was so loud."

"So, it is important to you, then?"

"Okay, Miss Smart Arse." He shyly said from the other side of the phone, his embarrassment so prominent. It was a shock when he said he saw me first when he closed his eyes... I guess I really did mean that much to him.

"There was a reason why I called you, by the way..." I quickly remembered the fact that time existed and that I wouldn't have a lot of time to get down to the shop. "You left your ring here last week."

"Ah! I was wondering where that went! I thought I'd lost it in the shower or something."

The thought of Brian in the shower suddenly flashed across my mind, and it only made my cheeks heat up in a flustered fashion. Hi, I'm a virgin.

"Oh... W-well, it's here... When do you want me to give it to y-you?" I cleared my throat.

"I'm pretty busy today, so..." His tongue clicked, his mind wandering off. "How about you just come back to mine after you're finished for the day and give it to me then?"

Stop letting your mind go there, Maria Brennan.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, that'd be... Great."

"You okay, love?"

"Yes! I'm fine, Bri. I gotta go, though, I have to nip to the shop before lecture starts. Um, I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay..."

"Bye, Brian."

And with that I hung up the phone.

What is that boy doing to me?

I did what I had set out to do that morning, which was pop down to the shop – just outside of university – to get some more pasta, of course. All Emma and I ate was pasta, pasta and more pasta. It was cheap, and delicious – how could you go wrong with pasta?

Anyway, enough about pasta, and more about the surrealism of my life at that point. As I walked down the pathway, I couldn't help but let my mind wander aimlessly. I knew I had slacked with my studying – that's what boys do to you, kids – and I couldn't let myself forget that. But Brian kind of waltzed into my life so unexpectedly. I held onto how I felt when I looked at him, or when he looked at me, when he touched me, when he laughed, when he smiled... All these things and all because of a fucking work experience. I guess my gratitude needed to go to Professor Ross at this point, I mean... He did introduce me to the boys in the first place, did he not? And I could safely say that meeting Brian was one of the best things that had ever happened to me.

Over that week, Emma and I had made sure to take some extra precautions when it came to securing the flat. And by extra precautions, I mean actually paying attention to whether or not we had locked the door, closed all the windows, had our keys etcetera. I think we became rather unnerved by this man in a trench coat that both of us had seen. It may have just been a coincidence, but you could never be too sure in London – especially back then.

As I was checking out at the shop, I happened to come across this man again. I was sure it was him, standing in the magazine aisle, head down, with that silly fedora on. I didn't make any efforts to speak to him, however, since I rushed out the door quickly with my bag full of stuff (paid for, of course, what do you think I am?).

I was in such a daze that I almost didn't even recognise John taping a piece of paper to a lamppost near the shop. He caught my eye, a smile appearing on his face.

"Oh, Maria! Hello." He finished taping the paper to the lamppost, and I took a few steps forward, getting a clearer look of what was written on it. It was a promotional flyer for an upcoming Queen gig at The Britannia.

"Did the boys tell you about—"

"Yes, actually, they told me when they got back after you told them. I can't believe we may actually get a chance to record some proper demos." He bobbed up and down on his heels a little, the smile on his face becoming more and more excited by the second.

"I guess I did something for you lot then, right?" It was more of an actual question rather than a joke – I think it's been well established that I did basically fuck all for them when I was supposed to be. Instead, I was getting with the guitarist and getting drunk with them. Brilliant management skills on the rise.

"You definitely did, yes. And I can say for all of us that we're so grateful for your help. Even when it was little to nothing..."

I gasped at his mumbling towards the end, playfully hitting him on the arm. "Look at this... Deacy has whit. Love that." I laughed. "Anyway, I gotta get going – lecture in five. But I'll catch up with you and the boys later, I'm going round to Brian's this afternoon."

"Yeah, I'll see if I can pop round for a bit."

"Okay, good good... Well, I'm going now." I didn't want to cut it short, I liked talking to John. But I really did have to get going. We exchanged a quick hug before I headed in the direction of the main campus.

I shoved the small bag of pasta and sauce into my bag as much as they could, knowing I'd have pretty much no time to run back to the flat and then to the lecture. It may have made my trek to my lecture ten times harsher on my right shoulder, but I don't think anything could've gotten in the way of my happiness that day. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. To an extent! Don't get me wrong, I like a bit of attention and all that cuddle business, even PDA, but roses, candles and "romantic" dinners don't do it for me.

But I did seem to revel in the soppiness for the majority of my walk, as I felt lonely in that mid-November air. I was brought to great comfort as I lifted my hand up to the other, feeling the cold metal on my index finger – I rolled it around, did whatever to let the reality sink in: that ring around my finger was Brian's. And I was wearing it. And it brought me the warmth I needed in the middle of that chilly breeze. But more than anything, it was the reminder that Brian was in my life.

And that I'd get to see him very soon.


	19. juvenile satisfaction

19 ~ juvenile satisfaction ~

"But the cafeteria ketchup is rank." I whined, watching Emma get up from her seat.

"It's not, it's good! You don't have to eat it."

"Yeah, but it'll be near the chips and that's not democratically friendly." I pouted.

"There's a reason you got a U in politics, Maria." She shook her head, heading to get her ketchup. 

This was the problem with being broke... We had to share chips for lunch.

The chips were especially crispy that day, and I remember because everything seemed to be going my way. Lecture was decent, meaning Professor Ross didn't go on about his favourite thinkers for the whole hour and a half, and we got the whole story from Albert about how things were going with Ellie. They were apparently going more than fine, which made Emma more than happy. She was quite the little matchmaker when she wasn't desperate for a shag.

I had managed to push off most of the Roger and Daisy drama, and had slowly come to the conclusion that Brian and Freddie were entirely right about his inclinations. He just couldn't help it. After all, I did see how happy he made Emma and that was all that mattered to me. If she didn't know, she couldn't get hurt.

As if on cue, guess which blonde drummer plonked down across the table from me? Yes, you guessed correctly. He just grinned at me, before looking passed me to eye up Emma from across the cafeteria.

"For someone who's just dropped out of uni, you sure do spend a whole lot of your time here." I said, placing a chip in my mouth and looking down at my notebook in front of me.

"Well, when you have a bird, you have to be there with her when you can. It's called loyalty, Maria." His eyes were still fixated on Emma, and I couldn't help but scoff under my breath – it wasn't intentional, I swear. It earned a confused and slightly offended look from Roger. But he didn't get a chance to question my reaction before Emma sat down in between us, a small pot of ketchup in her hand.

"Hiya!" She squealed, falling into Roger's arms, to which he responded by wrapping his arm around her. They were soon caught up in a kiss – way too intimate for the middle of the cafeteria.

I just occupied myself with the notes laid ahead of me, feeling slightly awkward.

"Honestly, darlings, get a room. The whole world doesn't need to be subjected to...this." I saw Freddie in the corner of my eye, gesturing to the scene ahead of us before sitting at the table across from me. He gave me a smile, clearly understanding of my discomfort. "Hello, darling, how is your day going?"

With a stifled giggle, I glanced at Emma and Roger. "Yeah, I'm great." I put emphasis on 'great', looking back at Freddie. "How are you, Fred?"

"I've spent the morning designing and coming up with ideas that nobody else has even been able to muster up, how do you think I am?"

"Oh!" I squealed in slight excitement, sliding over to sit right next to Freddie. "Let me see!"

"Calm down, darling, I'm not the next Givenchy... Yet." He chuckled, sliding over his folder in front of me.

Grinning, I flipped open the folder and let my eyes drag over the masterpieces that were fragments Freddie Mercury's mind. I stopped on an outfit he had sketched up, but Freddie was quick to try and turn the wallet over to the other side, but I stopped him.

"Why don't you want me to look at that?" I looked at him, us both trying to stop each other from doing what the other wanted to do. I gripped his wrist, trying to keep it from the folder as I tried to look at the sketch.

"Maria, it's a silly idea—"

"Oh, shut up, when has any idea you've had been a bad one, Farrokh??"

"Call me that again and I'll tell Brian about the sexy dreams you have about him."

"Fuck, just let me look at the drawing, Fred!"

"Fine!"

He finally gave in, pulling away from the folder and letting me have a good look.

"Fred... This is so cool." I brought the folder up closer to my face to see the details. It wasn't as well developed as the other sketches he had done throughout his course at Imperial, but it was clear enough to notice the sleeves that weren't really sleeves at all – the outfit resembled a poncho mixed with a bird. Very flamboyant, very out there, very Freddie.

"It was just an idea I had when I'd finished everything... I thought it would make a great costume for on stage."

"You thought right. It's so cool. Don't throw that away or anything. Keep it." I smiled warmly at him. I'd never seen him this reluctant about an idea he had; he was always so calm and confident in all his thoughts.

"Why, thank you, darling." He showed his teeth as he grinned harshly at me. He took the folder away from me, shutting it slowly, the smile still on his face.

"Rog, you should thank Maria." Emma suddenly said, her lips now detached from Roger's. He did look slightly lost, but he managed to rip his eyes away from Emma.

"Oh yeah, thanks." He mumbled, turning back to Emma, but she scooted away from him a little, folding her arms.

"Um, without Maria you wouldn't be getting a chance to record jack shit so be nice and say thank you to her before I slap you round the face."

"I quite like the sound of tha—"

"Roger Meadows Taylor, don't push me."

"Sorry, ma'am." Roger pouted at her, making her roll her eyes before he fully spun in his seat to face me and Freddie. "Thank you, Maria, it honestly does mean a lot." He smiled at me, the first smile he ever showed directly to me that came from a place of gratefulness.

"You are welcome." I did my best to be polite, but it came off as me mocking the Southern mannerisms, causing Roger to raise an eyebrow at me.

"Still don't know how we're going to pay for a fucking session in Trident, but you know..." He mumbled as he turned his attention back to Emma.

"Oh, we have a very simple solution for that, blondie." Freddie chimed, winking at me as I slid back over to my original spot in front of my notes.

"Hm, what's that?"

"Sell your car, Rogerina." Freddie slapped Roger on the back.

I bit both my lips in anticipation, eyes darting over to Roger.

"Okay."

Freddie's jaw dropped, leaning closer to the drummer. "Excuse me?"

"I said okay..." Roger looked over his shoulder. "Did I stutter?"

I looked at Freddie, eyes widened in shock. "Roger, we're asking you to sell your car."

"And I said okay." Roger looked at me this time, eyebrows scrunched up.

I looked at Emma, who seemed completely unphased by Roger's agreement to give up his seemingly most prized possession – apart from her.

"I feel like I'm in an episode of the fucking Twilight Zone, what's happening right now?" I asked, looking over at Freddie.

"Who's in an episode of the Twilight Zone?" I heard a voice from behind me that was so easily identifiable from the first word.

Brian's hand grazed my shoulder as he took a seat next to me, placing his tray on the table beside my notes. I looked down at his lunch, it obviously being cheese and lettuce between two thick slices of brown bread – such a pure boy, my Brian.

"Roger has agreed to sell his car." Freddie said, leaning forward on the table.

Brian huffed a chuckle as he drank from his water bottle. "Looks like you've finally pulled your dick out of the exhaust pipe and decided to focus on what actually matters, hm?"

I widened my eyes at Brian's response, whipping my head round to look at him. The other three seemed to be equally as shocked at Brian's words. He snuck a quick glance at me, putting his bottle back on the table. I followed the bottle with my eyes as it hit the table.

"Does that mean it's about time you take your dick out from between the zodiac pages of your astronomy porn?" Roger snapped back, wrapping his arm tighter around Emma.

"Ladies, please." Freddie interrupted, bringing his cup of tea up to his lips. "Let's not kill each other before we even get chance to do anything with my talents." He shot a wink at me, lightening the mood.

"Yes, because we are the vehicle for your talents to ride on, right Fred?" Roger said, raising an eyebrow.

Brian huffed, picking his sandwich up as Roger and Freddie continued to bicker like an old married couple.

"What's wrong?" I whispered to Brian, turning on the bench to look at him properly.

Brian then turned his head, resting on his hand as an attempt to almost shield himself from the others across the table from us. I watched as his jaw moved up and down, chewing on his sandwich. He put it back down on the tray and shook his head.

"I'm just... Stressed." He pressed his lips together in a straight line. "That's all. You don't need to worry." He held out his free hand and placed it on top of mine, the pad of his thumb tracing over the back of my hand.

I didn't have to respond for him to know I wasn't going to stop worrying about him.

"Seriously, Maria. I'm fine. Same thing as the other day, it's just... A lot right now." His voice was still soft over the anxiety and the back and forth from Roger and Freddie. However, I knew that speaking those regurgitated words of comfort would not be of much help in such a chaotic environment. So, in return I simply nodded and smiled.

"You got much else left to do today?" I spoke lowly, looking down at our hands, his fingers intertwining with mine.

"A lecture. And I have to go to it, before you try to convince me otherwise." His pointed teeth came on show as a small grin managed to break out.

I rolled my eyes, nudging him with my arm. "Excuse me, I have a lecture also." I pretended to look offended, taking my hand away from his. He pouted and leaned closer, reaching his arms around my waist. For a second I thought he was going to just hug me, but I was proved to be wrong when his fingers pushed into my sides, tickling me.

Now, anyone who knows me well will know that I hate being tickled. Always have done. So, when Brian dug his fingers into my most sensitive tickle spots, I couldn't help the screamed laughter than just came out. Brian just continued to tickle me.

"Brian! Stop!" I laughed, trying to get his hands off of me.

I looked over at Freddie, trying to get the words out to grab his attention, but he was too caught up in his argument with Roger to notice that I was being tortured just centimetres away.

"You may have to watch that attitude, blondie, I hear John Reid is in town."

What?

"And if he sees us in Trident arguing like a pair of ladies, we'll get nowhere."

Fuck.

"Brian, stop!" I yelled, almost getting attention from everyone else in the cafeteria. I managed to get out of his grip, as I smacked my hand on the table in front of me, Freddie's gaze finally ripping away from Roger's.

"Did you say John fucking Reid?!"

"Yes, darling, I did." Freddie answered with slight confusion. "You know of him?"

"Know of him? She's been up his arse since September." Emma said, rolling her eyes. It somehow didn't get the message through, so she alleviated on her point. "She's been studying him for her coursework and she loves the man."

I felt my cheeks burn up in embarrassment for my passion towards my work. I looked down at the notes in front of me, which of course was plastered with facts and timelines of John Reid's career to date.

"I thought you didn't like the subject, yet you're so into it?" Roger asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yes, the course may not be the course I really wanted to do, but he's so interesting to read about. Plus, I love music and—"

"Maria, my love, you don't have to explain yourself." Brian said, glaring at Roger. What was with him? "Roger just needs to argue with someone 24/7." He ripped his gaze away from Roger and looked down at me. "I think it's wonderful that you're so involved with your work. Especially if it's with someone who's in the same field as your work experience." He emphasised, leaning into me as though he was telling me off for something. But, why did I like the way he did that? Why did I like the tone in his voice being slightly threatening? Why did I like that he towered over me? Jesus Christ.

I couldn't hold back the shaky breath that fell from my lips as well as the smirk tugging up at my mouth. I guess I kind of forgot Roger, Freddie and Emma were sat mere inches away from us, as I seemed to just get completely lost in Brian's eyes.

I looked down at his lips as he smiled softly, leaning closer and placing a very light and teasingly gentle kiss on my lips, before pulling away and turning back to the others.

I'm almost positive that he knew what he was doing when he stopped looking at me – I was a mess. I remember it always embarrassed me to be this taken back by Brian's charm and good looks. I was just such.... A virgin.

The rest of lunch rolled by and throughout the remaining twenty minutes, Brian continued to play with my fingers, comforting me with the sense of being needed and loved – something as simple as just holding my hand can send me into a whirlwind of appreciation for the appreciation I received. A sense of closeness was the 'key to my heart'.

Hell, I even got butterflies when he nonchalantly removed his ring from my index finger and slipped it onto his pinkie, the cold metal leaving my skin.

When the time came for Emma and I to leave for our lecture, I stood behind Brian, wrapping my arms around him to give him a tight hug, clinging on as though I would never see him again. His fluffy hair tickled as he leaned into my embrace.

"I guess there's no need for me to come round later now that you've taken back what's yours." I mumbled; a hint of humour laced in my voice. I heard Brian chuckle lowly, his head moving to the side and tilting upwards to look at me.

"Don't you want to spend time with your boyfriend?" He raised an eyebrow, knowing I loved it when he referred to himself as my boyfriend, as juvenile as it sounds. But something told me that he took my teasing a bit too seriously – bless him.

"Bri, I'm only messing. I'm still going to come round. If you still want me to, that is..."

"Of course, I want you to, silly, I've been thinking about it all day." He shot them puppy dog eyes at me, which just made me swoon even more.

I giggled and shook my head, leaning down closer to him. "You're so cute." I pressed a longer kiss on his lips before pulling away entirely. I did notice the smirks on the other three's faces as I turned to leave – they were waiting for the moment we'd actually get together and we could finally be those people without fail.

"Come on, Emma, you'll see Roger later." I sighed as they seemed wrapped up with each other yet again. She gave him an intimate embrace before leaving with me.

"Isn't Rog just the sweetest?" Emma chirped when we turned the corner out of sight from the cafeteria.

I couldn't exactly lie. But I couldn't tell her the truth either. All I could do was giggle and shake my head. Little did she know that when I shook my head... I meant it.

I felt bad. Really bad. But everything seemed so great at the time. Why spoil it?

Things just happen.


	20. boilin' up inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mature content warning - read at your own descretion.

((mature content ahead, read at your own discretion))

20 ~ boiling up inside ~

"I thought Roger would be the less educated one." I mumbled to Brian. He smirked, looking over at the doorway to their living room, where Freddie and Roger were busy playing a game of scrabble. Usually, Brian would join them but since he had company, he decided to be the true gentleman he was and stay with me.

"They're always at each other's throats over that game. It's rare that only one of us is the reigning champion. I tend to get very long words." He grinned, turning and putting the kettle on the stove. "They're just lucky I'm not playing."

"I used to play it with my brother when we were younger." I started, watching Brian as he prepared my coffee and his tea. "It was a bit difficult, to be honest."

Brian raised an eyebrow. "It's not that hard of a game, Maria."

"It was only hard because my dog ate the O's and the T's." I laughed. "The amount of times I got a bollocking for putting the word 'count' without the O..."

Brian laughed, shaking his head. "I didn't know you had a dog."

"I don't... We had to get her put down. She had some nasty wounds from when the neighbour's dog attacked her." I shrugged. The truth was, I never remembered much from that time. I was sixteen at the time and didn't pay much attention to what was going on around me. Things had just started to be prolifically shit and I wasn't used to the change.

Brian leaned against the counter, the kettle starting to shake slightly. "Well, I'm sorry about that... That's the thing with pets... They don't last forever." He frowned.

"I guess they don't. But at least you still have pictures and the memories."

Brian smiled softly, looking over me. "You're so optimistic. Sometimes."

I laughed, nudging his arm. "I'm probably one of the most pessimistic people you will ever meet. You're the optimistic one! You work so hard all the time and still manage to love everyone around you. Like, that's fucking talent."

"Talent!" I heard from the living room. "Shit, I didn't mean to say it out loud!"

I looked back into the front room to see Roger banging his head on his hands as Freddie smugly slid in a few letters, assuming he'd spelt out the word 'talent'.

When I turned back to look at Brian, he was pouring the boiling water into the mugs.

"Do you want to go upstairs? Might be a little quieter." He said softly, picking up both mugs. I nodded in response, reaching for the mug with the coffee in it, but Brian pulled it away from me. "I got it." He gestured for me to walk ahead of him.

"I'm perfectly capable of carrying a mug of coffee myself." I complained, making my way through the living room, Freddie and Roger practically serving as an obstacle course.

"Yes, but I don't want you to spill it and burn yourself." Brian said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I huffed, trudging into the hallway.

"I'm not a child." I sulked, standing aside to let Brian go upstairs first.

"Care to explain that look on your face then?" He smirked at me, shimmying passed me and making his way up the stairs. I looked over at Roger and Freddie, who were snickering to themselves, most likely at Brian and I.

Brian's room was more or less normal – nothing too insane, yet nothing too minimalistic. There were a few posters of people like The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Little Richard and Jimi Hendrix. There were also books laying around, its contents probably dripping with astrophysics and... natural things, I don't know. I'm not smart like my Bri.

I realised I was just stood in the middle of his room, my hands fiddling together as the awkwardness settled in. Brian set down the two mugs on his desk in the corner, turning around and eventually returning the awkward look. He folded his arms, avoiding eye contact with me. The only sound audible was the bickering from Roger and Freddie downstairs.

"Um... Do you want me to shut the door?" I croaked through my drying mouth.

"Yeah... Yeah, that'd be good." He smiled awkwardly, watching me from his spot as I walked over to his bedroom door, gently pushing it shut, the noise from downstairs slowly fading out, filtered by the thick wood.

When I turned around, Brian had situated himself on his bed, leaning back on his hands casually. He smiled again at me, assuring me it was okay to join him. So, I did, letting my weight sink into the mattress below me. Brian passed me my coffee, which was now cooled down enough to drink from. As I sipped on it, I saw Brian shake his head out of the corner of my eye.

I glanced at him, scrunching up my eyebrows. "What?"

"I don't know how you can drink that all the time. I've never seen you drink any other hot drinks apart from pure black coffee." He leaned back on his headrest.

"It's nice, and it keeps me awake and alert..." I defended myself, smiling to myself as I took another sip from the mug.

"You're right. I am a pretty boring person to be around, I am not surprised that you need assistance with staying awake."

I furrowed my eyebrows, looking straight at the curly haired guitarist sat a metre away from me. "Shut up, Brian, you're not boring. Not to me, anyway."

"I'm not?" He raised an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side.

"No." I laughed, shuffling closer to him. "And who cares what other people think about you? All you have to make sure of is that you have strong people around you to let you know you're not boring and that you are a fucking incredible person. And if you're not getting reminded of that, then they need to fuck off." I shrugged, raising to my feet to put the now half full mug back on Brian's desk.

He didn't exactly answer directly to what I had just said to him; he just blushed, his cheeks practically burning up with that embarrassment he often got whenever anyone gave him a compliment. As I walked back over to the bed, I was contemplating whether or not to sit closer to him. But, I didn't need to contemplate for long, as two long arms wrapped around me, pulling me down on the bed, landing directly next to Brian.

"You are so lucky that I didn't have that mug in my hand still." I laughed, shuffling on my back to get comfortable, my arm touching Brian's. We were both laid on our backs, looking up at the ceiling – the plain, boring and white ceiling.

A few minutes went by where I just laid and thought deep about my situation – about how good my life was at the time, despite the lack of money and lack of decent income. I had insanely decent people around me and I felt safe. I never felt like that back home... On top of that, Brian cared about me. I knew that. And I knew he would have done anything to make me happy – he never failed to let me know that.

By this time, Brian had put the radio on, the static noise filling the almost silent room. A little background noise never hurt nobody.

"Maria?" Brian hummed, his hand now finding mine and lacing his fingers with my own.

"Yeah?" I squeezed his hand.

"It's entirely fine if you don't want to talk about it, but... Why do you do... That... to yourself?" He stuttered a bit, thumb stroking my skin. I knew what he was alluding to, and I didn't know if I wanted to talk about it – be so open.

But then again, I didn't know when the next time would be where I get to be alone, properly alone, with Brian. I took a deep breath and turned my head on its side to look at him, his profile in all its glory.

"I wasn't very happy when I was growing up." I started. "It started with my dad. I've never had a relationship with him in the way I wanted. He was very absent a lot of the time and we could never see eye to eye on anything. We were and still are completely different from one another. My mum worked while my dad stayed home. So, I didn't see my mum that much either. I don't blame her though, she was the source of income in the family since my dad was too much of a lazy git to get up and do anything." This earned a very light chuckle from Brian as he listened in.

"The only place I had to sort of get away from the crappiness of life was school. That wasn't much better, to be honest. I was constantly made fun of because of my weight and the fact that I liked different things from everyone else. I was just... Very isolated as a child. And I wasn't sure why it happened, so I didn't have anything to be angry at." I drifted off, looking back up at the ceiling.

"So, I took it out on myself." I whispered, feeling tears prick up in my eyes. "It didn't really get much better from then. I was like 14 maybe? It's just gotten worse since. I hardly have a relationship with my parents now. They want me to be this successful, fashionable business woman, but... I don't want to do something just because someone else is expecting me do to it." I glanced at Brian, who was staring at the ceiling blankly.

"I-I'm sorry... I'm waffling, aren't I?"

"No. Not at all. I was the one who asked. I was curious. And I think you are a very strong and brave woman." He turned on his side to look at me, his upper body kind of looming over me as he spoke. "And I adore that."

It was now my turn to blush, suddenly feeling very powerless and powerful altogether under him. That is what this man did to me. And he wasn't even aware he was doing it.

I sighed contently, staring up into those beautiful hazel eyes. The sound around us settled me, as we shared a gaze. The world around us was non-existent as my heart throbbed with intense relaxation. The moment was beautiful.

However, the moment was ruined when the opening notes to 'Let's Get It on' by Marvin Gaye came through the radio speakers.

The soft look we shared turned to that of humoured, both of us bursting out into laughter at the timing. I cackled, choking a bit as Brian dug his head into the pillow beside me, his body wriggling around at the laughter.

"You one-hundred percent did that on purpose." I managed to breath out, holding my stomach.

"How? I'm all the way over here!" Brian exclaimed, his voice slightly muffled by the pillow. He lifted his head and rested it right next to mine. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek.

After a few seconds of the song playing its tune, Brian pressed his lips to my ear and sang in a deep, overexaggerated voice.

"We're all sensitive people..."

I giggled, my ear tickling at the feeling of his breath and his hair falling against my skin.

"With so much to give." He deepened his voice even more, his intention clearly to be funny, but my stomach did an intense flip as he hit a very low bass note I did not expect to come out from his mouth.

I stopped laughing and swallowed hard. "Brian..." I tried to push it off as humour. "You're laying on my hair..." I whined, flipping onto my side, my back facing Brian's chest. If he can't see that I'm effected by every little thing he does, then I'm not being affected by every little thing he does.

The heavens did not answer my call for my awkwardness to come to a halt as I felt Brian's chest against my back, his arm reaching over. He found my hand next to my face, using the pads of his fingertips to stroke over my skin on the back of my hand, tracing it down my arm. The sensation was nice, soothing and sent millions of sparks down my spine.

Before I knew it, his lips were back against my ear, only this time he sang in his regular, soothing tone, no humorous intentions evident in his actions.

"Giving yourself to me could never be wrong..."

I stayed completely still as he planted light kisses to my ear, before he nuzzled his head next to mine, holding me close to him. I sighed contently as Brian began to rock us back and forth.

"Can I ask you something, love?" He mumbled. "Are you a virgin?"

"Wow, blunt." I joked, shaking my head. "I am..." My voice had retreated back to that shy tone I possessed when I first met the boys.

Instead of answering me, Brian just leaned down and planted a sweet and chaste kiss to my cheek, lips lingering afterwards. "I wish I could really show you how much you mean to me."

I scrunched up my eyebrows, glancing at him. "I thought you already do that?"

He chuckled, sending another set of chills along my skin. "I do... But I want to show you in a way that will make you feel good and... loved."

Oh, I know where you're heading, space boy.

"Oh?" Was all I managed to stutter out, feeling Brian's lips travel down my cheek to my jaw.

"We don't have to do anything, love. I'm completely fine with a bit of a cuddle." Brian retreated, looking up at my face.

"I want to, Brian... I really do. I'm just scared." I whispered, looking around his face. "I've heard it hurts your first time. And... I don't want you to be turned off by me once you see... Everything."

His eyes softened and he pulled me gently so I was now laid on my back – his form fully hovering over me. "I think you are a gorgeous human, Maria Brennan. Inside and out. And I want nothing more than to share the feeling I have whenever I see you enter the room, whenever you laugh, whenever you speak." He grazed his lips over my nose. "As for the pain... It'll go away. I'm here. I won't let anything hurt you, darling."

And with that, he dipped down and locked his lips with mine, this new intimacy sending sparks everywhere. I lifted my hand up and tangled my fingers in his mane, pulling him closer to me. He deepened the kiss, letting his tongue ease its way into my mouth.

Brian decided to continue kissing me whilst I adjusted to this, trying out new tricks with his tongue that sent me wild. His hand travelled from my cheek and down to my shoulder, once again letting his fingers trace my skin. I felt goose-bumps stand to attention, his hand purposefully grazing over my chest. I let my eyes fall shut when Brian moved his kisses down from my lips to my neck, taking his time with the gentleness. He sighed into my skin, seemingly enjoying being this close to me. I bit down hard on my lower lip when I felt Brian's teeth graze the sensitive skin on my neck – he gently started sucking on that area, progressively getting harsher. I let out a shaky breath as he did this, the sensation being nothing like I had ever felt before. I almost felt embarrassed at how much I liked the feeling of him marking me as his own; he'd hardly done anything and I could have already been a whimpering mess under him. So, I held back, biting down on my lips to compose myself fully. However, Brian must have noticed this because he pulled back from my neck, whispering against my skin.

"If something feels good, don't be afraid to let me know." I felt him smile before moving his head round to the other side of my neck, performing the same on the skin there.

He pulled his head up completely, looking down at the marks he'd made on me, smiling to himself. He leaned back, pulling himself up and sitting back on his feet. His eyes raked over my form laid out in front of him. Looking directly at my eyes, he placed his hands on my knees, pulling them apart so he could settle between them. It was strange to feel someone settling so close to me as Brian's groin pressed into my most sensitive area.

Licking my drying lips, I looked up at Brian, who's eyes were now blown out with lust. He pulled me up so I was sitting up, legs still wrapped around him. His hands lowered to my denim jacket, holding onto the collar.

"Can I...?" He started, looking at me for approval. I nodded, letting him push the jacket off my shoulders, dropping it on the floor next to the bed.

"Brian?" I looked down at his attire, admiring how tight his shirt was. "My mum... She's... Pretty protective. What if she asks about what I've been doing?"

He smiled at me, his calloused fingers coming up to hold my face. I leaned into his touch.

"You are twenty-two years old, Maria. Your mother has no right to know what you've been doing." He smirked a little, leaning closer to me. "Or who you've been doing." This lightened the mood, making me giggle. "Just forget about her, my love."

And with that, his lips were back on mine. And I did exactly that – I let the thoughts of my mum leave my mind as Brian's hands lowered to fumble with the buttons on my flares. I lifted my hips upwards, making it easier for him to pull the material from my body, discarding them with my jacket. The absence of my trousers caused my shirt to flow freely, it now being untucked. He didn't take his eyes off of mine as he reached down and unbuttoned his own trousers. He pulled his shirt over his head, exposing his upper body: the slimness of his body in clothes was just the same out of clothes – his ribcage was partially on show, yet he still looked so good. He didn't have insanely visible abs, but there was clear evidence of fitness when looking at him. Brian gently pushed me back so I was laid down. He moved his hands down to my hips and pulled me towards him, before falling on top of me, our groins meeting in just the right place.

I bit down on my lip again, feeling the heat rush to my cheeks. Brian leaned down and pressed another passionate and longing kiss on my lips, wasting no time in heating it up. A small groan escaped his lips and into my mouth as I found myself subconsciously bucking my hips into his. The fact that he was also being affected in some type of way comforted me – I could now make those noises also. I moved my hands down his back, feeling his bare skin for the first time. I smiled into the kiss, letting out a shaky breath when Brian's hand lowered to my leg, pulling it up to hold it in place. He took the new position as a chance to grind into me, first being gentle to assure I was okay with his actions, but when I let out a small moan, he continued in a more sensual manner. His own breathing faltered a little as he pulled away from the kiss, letting out another groan. He stopped the movements with his hips, peppering kisses along my chin instead of my lips. He moved a bit lower down my body, using his long fingers to unbutton my shirt, pulling it open to reveal my bra. Licking his lips, his eyes glazed over my form beneath him before he started pressing soft kisses down my chest, once again making marks in places only I, and now he, would see.

"You alright?" Brian asked, speaking for the first time in a good ten minutes. He'd moved a little lower, now running his lips down my stomach. I was a little confused as to what he was planning to do, but I let him do his thing since he seemed more than experienced. I nodded at him in response, looking down at his face, which only soothed me.

"Tell me if it's too much, okay? I don't want to force you to do something you're not ready for." He added before shooting me one last gentle smile. I took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling as Brian moved lower down my body and I instantly got flashbacks to that dream I had not long ago. It was that dream in real-time. It was happening and it was very real.

Brian

I laid on my stomach, mattress beneath me. I was gentle, placing soft kisses on Maria's thighs whilst hooking one arm round her hips to keep her settled. With my free hand, I brought my face closer to her heated centre, finger tracing the fabric of her underwear. Her hips bucked upwards as I touched her for the first time, the material slowly becoming wetter by the second. I kept flicking my eyes upwards to make sure she was dealing with this kind of intimacy in the way I needed her to. I wanted her to enjoy herself, not be made to feel like she had an obligation to do this with me.

"Can I take them off?" I whispered, her soft skin forming goose bumps, presuming it being from my breath. I looked up at her for a reaction. She nodded, eyes shut. My sweet girl was so nervous. "Maria, darling." I gently called, grabbing her attention as she opened her eyes and lowered her head to look at me. "Use your words. Please..."

"Sorry... Yeah, take them off." She laughed nervously, the colour in her cheeks becoming darker. I smiled at her, making sure to flash the look in my eyes that let her know she was safe with me. Her hips lifted, making it easier for me to pull off her underwear. I dropped them by the side of the bed nonchalantly, feasting my eyes on the sight in front of me. This was the first time I was able to see my angle in her most vulnerable state – and I had no complaints.

My mouth quickly dried up, completely at a loss of words because of how beautiful she was – all of her. I noticed Maria's breathing falter and speed up at inconsistent paces, so I got up onto my knees, crawling up to her face. She looked up at me with eyes that said so much at once. It was difficult to tell what she was feeling.

"How you feeling?" I asked, moving beside her, yet propping myself up on my elbow to look down at her body laid out. I was expecting a nervous response or no response at all. But I was wrong. So wrong.

"Please... Just touch me, Brian..." She whimpered, furrowing her eyebrows together. The bulge in my trousers seemed to grow even more when I finally got to hear the voice of her desperation. I raised my eyebrows and smiled at her, amused by this change in mood.

Maria

As Brian hovered above me, I just couldn't take the teasing any longer. I knew he wanted to be gentle, and I knew he knew it was my first time. But I was throbbing at this point and I didn't know how much longer I could hold back from needing someone to touch me so much.

"Please... Just touch me, Brian..." I whimpered, shooting him a look of desperation. I was shocked by my own bluntness, but I need it. Bad. He smirked at me, stifling a small chuckle as he moved the hand he wasn't rested on down to my thigh, pulling it to the side. I shivered at the cool air that hit in between my legs, contrasting with the heat and the wetness going on down there.

He looked right into my soul as his finger slipped along my wetness, my hips bucking up in shock. He bit his lip, looking over at how wet his finger had gotten just from that little bit of contact.

"You're so wet..." He mumbled, pushing his finger past my folds and ghosting it over my clit, which was now throbbing and aching for more. I let out a strangled moan as he circled his finger over it. He looked back up at my contorting face, bringing his down so his lips were tickling my ear. His finger moved a bit faster, every so often lowering it to my untouched entrance, coating his fingers in my wetness. "Does that feel good, angel?" He whispered against my ear.

My lips fell apart to answer his question, but all that came out was another prolonged moan when he added a second finger to the equation, doubling the pleasure. My eyes fell shut again.

"I'll take that as a yes." He chuckled, kissing along my jaw. "I'm going to put one inside, okay?"

I smiled to myself at his warning, appreciative of his care. His middle finger lowered to my entrance, but instead of moving it back up, he kept it there, pushing slightly. At first, it was just pressure. But it quickly turned to a stinging pain as he pushed it into me up to his first knuckle. I clamped down on my two lips with my teeth, holding in any sound of struggle as to not worry Brian. But, it seemed like he knew it would hurt as he nuzzled into me closer, lips kissing my cheek and anywhere he could reach. His thumb came to rub my clit again, which only added pleasure to the pain.

He didn't move for a bit – he just stayed in this position. The pain had slowly started to disappear. Don't get me wrong, it did return frequently as he moved the digit, but the whispers and the soft touches made it worthwhile.

All I could hear were the noises of his breathing on my skin and the crude sounds of his finger and the wetness making contact with one another. As promised, the pain turned into pleasure. Sweet fucking pleasure. Literally.

It wasn't long before my own strangled moans were pouring out of my lips, my head sinking back into Brian's pillows. He'd pushed his finger most of the way in by this point and I was a moaning mess – a mixture of the discomfort and the pleasure. I think it was the thought of Brian being the first person to ever touch me in this way that made the experience much more pleasurable.

"Wow..." He breathed out. "You're so fucking tight." He chuckled, burying his face into my neck and smiling harshly.

I couldn't help but let out an airy laugh, my heart rate increasing momentarily. "S-Sorry... I'm not used to people.... Fuck... Saying stuff like that to me."

He lifted his head and moved it over mine, pressing his forehead against me. "It's okay." He started, looking down at my lips. "I'm not used to saying stuff like that to such pretty women." Before I could respond, he pressed his lips on mine, giving me a feverish kiss. I let out a moan and a yelp at the same time as he pushed another finger inside me, stretching me out. Brian pressed his lips firmer on mine to muffle my loud noises and to distract me. My back arched as he sped his digits up, a ball of fire mustering up inside my stomach.

He finally pulled away resumed to having his head pushed on mine. "I need to make you cum before we... Increase the size, so to speak." He smirked, biting his lip as he watched over me.

I would've laughed it off, finding the comment extremely dominating. But, I was distracted by the growth in tingles around my abdomen. My head went blurry as I felt something coming on. Now, I am not stupid. I definitely knew what an orgasm was. But, the only time I had been victim of one was when I was pleasuring myself. Even then, I'd only achieved it three times at most. But this one was different. This orgasm was approaching from the inside out, Brian's fingers reaching places my own could never.

"B-Brian..." I whined, looking up at his eyes. My breathing became practically rapid as he continued to work his fingers inside me.

"It's okay, love. I got you." He assured me, sending me into oblivion. And with that, my hips bucked up into his hand, an intense shock of pleasure waving over my body, goose bumps forming everywhere. To reduce my unintentional spasming, Brian pressed his forehead harder on mine to keep my head down. He let out a struggling breath as he tried to continue his movements until I rode out my high. My hand flew up to grip onto his arm, his muscles contracting harshly as he tried to keep up with his own actions.

When I came down from the shock, I gently pushed Brian's arm away, my breathing stagnating ever so slightly. I closed my eyes, my lower muscles clenching as Brian pulled his fingers out, suddenly missing the feeling. I opened my eyes, briefly looking over at Brian as he placed the two fingers in his mouth, sucking off the mess I had made on them.

I was distracted when he raised his eyebrow at me in a seductive way. It was probably his way to calm me down from panicking when I saw him starting to wriggle out of his trousers, a tent visible in his underwear. My breath caught in my throat, only just having come down from the inconsistency of my breathing prior.

"You look completely knackered, love." He laughed, amused at my exhausted state. "That was just the preview." He shot me a wink, the embarrassed blush still on his cheeks.

"Well, I am knackered!" I exclaimed, wiping my forehead. "I've never done that before, so..." I sat up slightly, watching him as he slid off his underwear. My stomach muscles clenched as I saw what he'd been hiding from me springing up and hitting his stomach.

"As much as I like your staring, I'd prefer it if you helped me sort this out." Brian said shyly, pushing himself back against the headboard. I think he got caught up in his arousal, forgetting I had little to no experience. "Oh!" He blushed deeply. "I'm sorry, love... Uhm... Have you ever given anyone a... blowjob before?" He stuttered out.

"Um..." I hummed, swallowing. "No, I haven't." I laughed awkwardly, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear and pushing myself up to sit in front of Brian. "I mean, I obviously know what one is and more or less how to do it, but..."

Brian grinned, taking my hand and stroking the back of my hand. "It's okay, Maria. I can always just... Guide you."

"Okay."

For the next 15 minutes, Brian became by mentor – he showed me the ins and outs of what he liked, and how to prolong the pleasure being given during the act of oral sex. And needless to say, I really enjoyed wrapping my lips around his girthy length, tasting the salty skin of his manhood.

So, there I was, kneeled over Brian's lap, mouthful of May.

Brian brought his hand up to my face, moving my hair over my shoulder as to see my face better as I took him in through my mouth. I looked up at him and batted my eyelashes, to which he groaned at, collecting the hair he moved in his fist.

"God, yeah, just like that..." He grunted, looking down at me, his mouth hanging open. I loved the praise I received from him; it sent shock waves down to my heat, which was now regaining its own arousal, clenching around nothing desperately.

I let out a muffled moan, swirling my tongue around his tip, squeezing the base of his cock with my hand. I tasted the pre-cum, the salty taste lasting on my tongue.

The next thing I knew, I was being pulled off his cock, and pulled up to his face. He slammed his lips against mine, shoving his tongue into my mouth immediately. I gripped onto his hair with one hand and his shaft with the other.

"Lay down." He mumbled, and I obeyed his order, shuffling to his side and laying on my back.

"I've kept this in for so long, Maria." He said, getting on his knees in front of me, gripping my own to pull me forward, my legs bending as he settled between them. I felt his hardness against my wetness, making me delirious as sin. "To show you how much you mean to me. And how beautiful you are." His voice lowered to a whisper as he reached over to his bedside table, where a little draw hung just below it. He pulled it open and pulled out a condom.

"And were you expecting this to happen, Mr Astrophysicist?" I asked, amused.

"No... But there's always the chance. You can never be too prepared." He noted before resuming his previous, dominant state. He expertly rolled it down his shaft and returned to his normal position, between my legs. He moved one of his hands down between us and held himself, rubbing his tip along my sensitive area, causing me to moan under my breath.

"Please tell me if you want to stop..." He whispered, receiving a nod from me. That was all he needed as he pushed himself inside of me, stopping at the tip. I hissed through my teeth, holding my breath at the pain that was already being inflicted on me by his size.

"I'm sorry, darling." He said lowly, nuzzling me. He knew there was nothing he could do about the pain until he had entered me fully, but what he could do was comfort me while I went through the rollercoaster that was my first time. Placing soothing kisses to my neck, he forced himself further inside me, stretching me out so painfully that I left harsh marks on Brian's skin from gripping onto him so tightly.

I was relieved when he was finally all the way inside. I had time to adjust the best I could and Brian tried to give me all the time he could, but he was impatient and needed to move.

"I'm sorry, baby, but I need to move." He let out an airy moan as he pulled out completely, but entered me once again. "I know it hurts, but the more I move, the less painful it will be, my angel." He smiled down at me, placing a light kiss to my nose.

Brian was very gentle with me, despite the desperation that had clearly been building up within him. It did take me an irritatingly long amount of time to adjust enough to a point where he could let loose on me, but we finally got there in the end. I just knew I was going to be sore the day after.

"Shit, Brian." I exclaimed, being ripped away from my distractions as the pain turned to pleasure. Brian smiled down at me, proud of himself, showing off his teeth as his thrusts became less delicate and more ambitious. The feeling of his long member pumping in and out of me was enough to give me a fucking heart attack, but I was more than alive when he himself started moaning along with me.

"Wow, you feel so fucking amazing." Brian grunted, balancing himself on his hands, which were placed next to my head. "You're so tight. I'm so proud of you for taking me so well, love." He bit his lip, moaning louder. He looked down at my body, something in his eyes changing as I let out a whine beneath him, my head falling back. Brian took a hold of my legs, pushing them up a bit further. He reached over to a pillow, placing it under my hips. The new position allowed Brian to sink in deeper, much to his relief.

Rather than simply thrusting into me, his hips now snapped into me, hitting a whole new spot within me that I didn't even think existed. That's when the pleasure really started to build up to another level. The crude sounds of our skin smacking against one another and the moans and whimpers spilling out of both our lips filled the room, the only sound audible. I just hoped that Roger and Freddie were preoccupied with other things and wouldn't come barging in through the door.

"Bri..." I whined again, not really sure what I was whining for. More contact maybe?

Brian groaned, leaning forward and resting his forehead on mine again, looking deep into my eyes. "What do you want, baby? Tell me..."

"I-I don't know..." I stuttered, my breath becoming irregular. "Fuck, I don't know, Bri!" I arched my back, wanting to feel more of him. I needed more of him.

"You want me to go faster?" He asked with a high-pitched voice. "Hm? Or do you want me to tell you how gorgeous you are when you're taking me so well? What is it, Maria?" His sweet voice made his dirty words easy to listen to, but it was the praise. The praise made me writhe in ecstasy. And, boy, did he notice it.

"Awh, that's it, huh?" He chuckled, pressing a sweet kiss on my lips. "You like it when I tell you that you're the most perfect creature to have ever walked this Earth?" Thrusts. Continuous thrusts. Continuous breathy compliments from the guitarist over me.

I simply nodded, whimpering a little noise of confirmation.

"I've been wanting to fill you up since you kissed me for the first time, you little tease." He joked, his thrusts progressively getting quicker and quicker every word he spoke out of his pretty mouth. "And all I want to do right now is make you come undone and feel good. I want you to feel the love I have in my heart for you, okay? You think you can cum for me one more time, baby?"

My legs started to shake at the constant attention I was getting from him, and I knew it wouldn't be long before I let go.

"Just one more time..." He added, lowering his head and burying it in my neck. His thrusts were now animalistic. "Fuck, yes... Shit, Maria, I don't know how long I can last."

"Brian..." I mumbled, my breathing rapidly increasing. "Holy shit, Bri, please don't stop..." I was now a moaning mess, the spark in my abdomen returning, sending sparks between my legs.

He held me close as I finally reached my second high of the evening, my muscles spasming continuously as Brian slammed himself in and out of me. He kept going for as long as he could to help me ride it out, but his aims were cut short as I found his own form spasming above me.

He let out a wild groan, biting into the skin on my neck, holding a thrust inside me, his hand squeezing my hip to a point where it would be bruised the next day.

We laid there for a couple of minutes after Brian had climaxed, feeling the beating of our hearts against each other's ribcages.

I heard Brian chuckle lowly, lifting his head up to look down at me. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" He smiled softly, moving some hair out of my face. I looked up at him, stray curls sticking to him and his skin glistening with the sweat from his actions.

All I could do was shake my head at him slowly, lifting my hand up to caress his face, himself leaning into my touch.

"Although I do think I'll be a bit sore tomorrow." I remarked, taking a deep breath. He only rolled his eyes and leaned in to kiss me tenderly.

"I'm glad we just did that. I've been boiling up inside for far too long, my love."


	21. the vacant guitarist

~ the vacant guitarist ~

It felt nice to wake up next to Brian, the sun leaking through the shut curtains and splaying onto the bedsheets. It was cold – so cold. But, when I flipped onto my side to face the curly mane next to me, I felt the warmth all at once, my lips bending into a natural smile. I wasn't intending to stay the night at all, but considering our late-night escapades carried on for much longer than I had anticipated, it didn't feel right to leave him like that. I curled myself up into the covers more, the absence of clothing causing my jaw to jitter in the cold. My eyes scanned around the room in search of the clothes I had discarded the night before, the pile being slung not far from the bed. Without waking up Brian, I slid out the bed with very meticulous movement, quickly dressing myself, the coverage being somewhat warming for a bit.

I wandered over to the mirror in Brian's room, staring at the woman in front of me. I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked over the red and purple marks left on my skin, from behind my ear and down to under my shirt. Lifting my hand, I traced the marks with my fingertips, convincing myself of their existence. My lower stomach clenched with the pain that came with taking simple steps forward, a soreness that had never been so prominent until that moment. I almost couldn't believe that I was almost... tainted with the new intimacy, a different type of intimacy I had never had before, nor thought I could ever have. That's when I noticed my hair: tangled and pointing in all directions – my face reddened and eyes puffy. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I had just been crying my eyes out. But that was not the case. Not the case at all...

"I know you're gorgeous, but you're going to have to look away from the mirror at some point." Startled, I spun around to face the bed, Brian's head peeking out of the covers, hair splayed across the pillows under him. I couldn't help the harsh smile that formed on my face as I padded back over to the bed, resting my knee on it and slowly lowering myself. I knew I was blushing hard, so I kept my hands around my face, as if shielding my shyness from Brian. He turned over, backing himself onto the headrest. The upper half of his body was now on show, his lightly hairy chest down to the skin clinging to his ribs, I admired him from my position at the foot of the bed. 

"You doing alright?" He asked softly, reaching his hand out over to me, inviting me over to him. I fell into his embrace, slightly hesitant due to his lack of clothing underneath the sheets. I rested my head against his shoulder, looking up at him, and taking in his scent, the sweat from the night before slightly prominent, but I could still smell his cologne – the very familiar scent.

I chuckled at his reference, bringing a hand up to play with his stray curls. "Yeah, I'm alright. A bit sore, though." He shot me a warm smile, leaning his head down to nuzzle against me, nose brushing over my forehead.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you, love. I can get very into it when it feels that good. Which isn't a lot." He mumbled against me, dragging his lips over my nose, peppering small butterfly kisses against it. "As long as you felt good, that's the only thing that matters to me."

I raised an eyebrow at him, unconvinced of his words. "You can be so soft sometimes."

"I wasn't last night." He playfully growled, suddenly nipping my nose with his teeth, causing me to retreat backwards, his head moving lower to press tickling kisses on my jaw. Giggling uncontrollably, I tried to pull away from his teasing, but his grip on the back of my head made it almost impossible to do that.

"Brian Harold May, behave yourself." I scolded him through chaotic giggles, taking a deep breath once he pulled away with a grin on his face.

We enjoyed a calm embrace for as long as we could before realising, we'd probably have to get up at some point, the clock turning half-past-ten. I whined as I got up from the bed, watching Brian stand up for the first time that morning, his nudity in all its glory. He avoided eye contact with me, most likely because there wasn't the thrill of intimacy at that moment. But he definitely heard my whine, as he questioned me with such concern.

"What's the matter, love?"

I sighed, putting my hands on my hips, my brain wandering off into deep thought. "Nothing, I just... We're struggling a bit." I simply said, brushing it off as if it was nothing, with a smile.

I didn't really want to lay all my monetary issues on Brian, when he had his own to deal with. But it was true that Emma and I had been struggling to get by with the little money we actually had from our student loans. Getting a proper job was completely out of the question; neither of us had the time or energy to dedicate a section of our lives to somewhere else for so many hours a week. With us both being emotional wrecks, neither of us could endure much.

"Do you mean... Money-wise?" He raised his eyebrow, pulling on his flares and buttoning them up around his slim waist. I just looked at him, not answering but clearly agreeing with his inquisition. "Maria, you know I can help you with that stuff, why didn't you just ask me when you first started having issu—"

"Because that's not what I do, Bri!" I looked him dead in the eye. "You struggle yourself, and you do three things at once! It just wouldn't be fair on you, or the boys if I took money from you when you're all trying to get somewhere." I shrugged, looking down and playing with my fingers. 

"Don't be silly." He shook his head, going over to the mirror to sort his hair out. "I don't tell many people this, but I do save up a majority of the money I make from teaching. I don't spend that. If you need some money, I can give you some." He looked at me in the reflection of his mirror. "No strings attached."

______

"We need to make sure there's enough money left for pasta for Emma and Maria."

Emma shot Ellie a death stare, shoving her into a shelf full of hair products.

"You know, we don't really eat pasta anymore." I said casually, picking up a packet of hair rollers and laughing at how ridiculous the model looked on it. "We had pizza last night." I shot the others a smirk, putting the rollers back down and carrying on down the aisle.

So, we were Christmas shopping. Fun stuff, right? Wrong. You couldn't get decent Christmas presents without a decent shop and the only decent shop close enough would require two different trains and a bus. Expensive. But I did happen to find a jewellery section in the shop we could get to. My eyes landed on a thick silver ring, engraved with fancy patterns – it was really pretty.

"Freddie would love this." I said to myself, picking it up, the string it was attached to pulling out after it. That's when the price tag hung down.

"Yeah, it's thirty-five-pounds." Emma said bluntly, leaning over for a better look.

I rolled my eyes, pulling out my purse from my pocket and looking inside it. "I have fifty, Emma."

Her eyes bulged out of her head, looking over into my purse herself. "How do you have so much money?"

I scrunched up my eyebrows, retreating away from her. "Have you ever thought that I am just better than you at saving my money?" Oh, you liar.

There was a moment's silence, where Sam, Ellie and Emma just stared at me. "Fine! Brian gave me some money to tide me over, okay?" I sighed, turning round and picking up the ring with its holder, the barcode taped to the bottom of it. I just left everyone on that note, walking away and down the next aisle, not wanting to talk about it much longer.

Though it did shut everyone up, I could still feel Emma looking at me every now and then, almost as if to question me silently. After a while, it got slightly irritating, so I just sighed and looked in her direction. "What is it, Emma?"

"Nothing." She said simply, shaking her head. "I'm just trying to figure out why Brian is just giving you money like that. From what I've heard, he doesn't have that much money himself." Her eyebrows furrowed suddenly, a thought visibly flashing through her head. "Maria..." Her tone lowered, a few strangers idly browsing in the same aisle as us. "You're not... Doing things for money, are you?"

I widened my eyes, stepping back from Emma with a disgusted look on my face. "Absolutely not! How can you even suggest that I would do that?"

"Well, I don't know what you're doing that much anymore, we hardly see each other out of uni!" She answered in defence, her voice rising in pitch.

"I know, but still. Seriously? You think I'd shag for money?"

"No, I don't think you'd do that, but it just seems weird that Brian gave you money. Just like that."

Shut the fuck up, Emma. I sighed, not even bothering to look at her when I answered. "I don't know what type of person Roger is, but Brian looks after me."

My blunt tone must have caught her off guard, as I only heard a huff in response. "Roger is a loyal person, Maria." I almost cackled, literally cackled, but I held it in. And quite impressively.

I nodded slowly. "I'm sure he is. But Brian just wants to make sure I have enough money to like... Survive." I finally looked at her. "There's nothing wrong with that."

The rest of the shopping experience was slightly uncomfortable, so I kept my distance from Emma and stayed with Sam for the most part. I didn't want Emma to find out about Roger's lack of loyalty and being in the mood I was in then, I doubt that the truth wouldn't have come out at some point. Emma was pissing me off, royally. But I loved her, nonetheless and I wouldn't want to see my best friend hurt by anybody.

When Ellie and Emma had disappeared to find a present for Roger, I was left with Sam down a random aisle. I took this as an opportunity to talk about how I was feeling.

So, I told Sam. Everything.

"Brian and Freddie told me not to say anything about it because it's normal for him to do that. So, since then I've just been so stressed about keeping my mouth shut and there's just been this weird tension with Emma and I just don't know what's going to happen at this point. We both know what Emma's like when she gets hurt by a lad." I sighed, folding my arms over my chest.

Sam's eyes remained widened throughout my entire rant, the information clearly shocking him. "Well..." He started, clearing his throat. "I don't think there's much you can do about that, Maria. I mean, it's up to Roger and Emma to figure things out for themselves. You're not a marriage counsellor. You have to stop getting so worked up over the tiniest things, it's not healthy for you."

I groaned, hanging my head back and looking at the ceiling. "It's just so hard, Sam."

"Well, think of it this way." He pulled me into a hug. He always gave the best hugs. "If you do open your mouth and try and help the situation... You might end up losing Brian." That sparked my interest, my head raising to look him in the eye. "Roger is Brian's best friend. Do you really want to do that to him?"

The thought of losing Brian absolutely terrified me. I couldn't imagine a world where Brian wasn't in my life, where I didn't get his embraces or feel the soft touch of his lips on mine or on my skin. He was the sweetener to my salty life and it seemed like hell when I envisioned him absent from it.

"I don't want to lose Brian." I mumbled, deep in thought.

"You won't. Just let it all play out. None of this can come down on you if you don't say anything." 

And that was the end of that conversation. Simple and an ambiguous close, but I knew Sam was right.

Ellie was quite a style icon. She had her aesthetic down to a tee. And I must admit, I was jealous of her for looking good in subjective clothing when I knew I didn't look anywhere near as fabulous in the same stuff. This became clear to me when we took a trip down to Biba to pick up Ellie's catalogue orders. I looked through most of the racks in the store and let's just say... They weren't very me.

Freddie had always told me to go down to Biba, and I'd never found time to until then. I must say, despite the fashion, the atmosphere was very calm and warm. I could see why Freddie enjoyed spending time there, whether he was shopping for something or not. Well, he was either shopping for something, or visiting Mary, who was currently helping Ellie with her orders.

"They are in the back." She confirmed, looking down at the orders written in a large book. "I'm a bit tied up, so I'll just get my colleague to fetch them, if that's okay? She'll be a few minutes."

"Yeah, that's fine." Ellie nodded her head and half-turned to face all of us waiting for her. Mary put her head through the back curtain of the shop, calling her colleague.

"Daisy, can you help out this customer please?"

I immediately tensed up, the same anxiety flooding me once again. How am I going to be calm, once again seeing the bitch who shagged my best friend's boyfriend?

Mary disappeared into the back, sending us a quick and warm smile.

With an agitated sigh, I put on a nice face for Daisy, as she emerged from the curtain Mary had wandered behind. I watched as she went through the book on the desk, fumbling around with some stuff under it, and pulling out a paper-wrapped package. By the time she was done pulling out Ellie's orders, the entire desk was covered in clothes and accessories – way too much for one person to carry.

"Are you driving?" Daisy asked Ellie, gathering up the orders into piles for an easy transportation. I watched Ellie's face contort in thought, eyes flicking back to us, and then landing on Emma.

"Do you think you could get Roger to pick us up?" Her voice was soft – she never did really like asking favours of people.

"He probably would, but he can't." She looked at me, an amused smile on her face. "He sold his car."

"Oh right, no worries." Ellie turned back to Daisy. "We're not driving, no. But, it's fine, we'll manage." She smiled at Daisy, gesturing for us to come and take a load of orders each.

"How are we all, then? Haven't seen you all since the bonfire party." Daisy chirped, most of her attention on the clothes being picked up, and very little of it on her customers. As if by some tragic coincidence, I was the next person to pick up some stuff, so of course I was the one who had to answer her question.

"We're fine." I said a little too bluntly, avoiding eye contact with her as I picked up a heavy package. I have no idea what Ellie had ordered, but it left me wondering how much money she had left over from it all.

I heard Sam snort a laugh from my right ear, and Emma gasping from the left.

"Don't be so rude, Maria." Emma scolded, shaking her head. "She just asked how we were." Sighing, she turned to Daisy, leaving me to watch the horribly nonchalant conversation between the two on how their lives were going and what they were up to.

"Hmm... And how are things going with Roger?" Daisy asked. Slag.

"They're going really well actually, he's getting so much done lately, so I don't see him that much. But I know he's working really hard with the boys on their music. They have a session with Trident sometime soon."

"Yeah, Mary was telling me. Between you and me..." She leaned into Emma, my eyes and ears straining to pay attention. "I don't think her and Freddie are doing very well at the moment."

Emma audibly gasped, resting on the counter. "Really? They always look so happy together, I can't imagine them being in any trouble."

"I think Mary has a habit of... Choosing the passive ones."

"What do you mean?" It was now my turn to speak, faking my interest in the conversation. I didn't like that Daisy was now getting involved with Freddie and Mary's relationship, despite the fact that she's Mary's friend. Daisy looked over at me, blinking a few times at my abrupt entrance.

"Well," She started, looking behind her to check if Mary was around. "I think she went out with the guitarist at some point. And he seems a bit vacant. Not very... Attentive, if you get me."

Absolutely not.

"No." I answered. "I don't get you." I looked at Emma and then at everyone else, who was staring at the scenario in front of them. "Let's go."

And with that, I stormed out of Biba, some of Ellie's orders in my hands.

By the time Emma and I had returned to the flat, my nerves and anger had calmed down a bit. I no longer had the urge to tell Emma everything about Roger and how stupid she was for staying with him, completely entranced by his good-looks. Although she was my best friend, I knew just how defensive she could be and I didn't want to ignite a further conflict.

It felt like a completely different day and a completely different life when I sat in my room for an hour, racking my brain and trying to think of something to get Brian for Christmas. I had to focus on the good things that were happening rather than the shit that was making me feel so bad.

I'd known Brian for almost 3 months by this point, so I didn't get that angry at myself for not being able to come up with any ideas. That's when I decided to ring the only person I knew could give me all the ideas in the world.

I leaned against the wall in the hallway, once again waiting for an answer from Sinclair Road, home of the boys I loved dearly, well two boys I loved dearly—

"Hello?"

I frowned to myself. "Roger... Is Freddie there?" Be nice, Maria.

"No, I don't know where he is." He seemed very preoccupied, his voice straying away from the phone. And Daisy said that Brian was vacant??

"Oh..." I held my breath, closing my eyes. "You know, you might be able to help me." I said with a sigh, putting my hand on my hip. "I don't know what to get Brian for Christmas..."

"He doesn't like it when people spend money on him." He grumbled. "But, if you're one of those people who just have to get everyone they know something, he's had a fascination with clogs lately. Get him a pair."

"The shoes?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, the shoes."

"Well, I'll keep an eye out for them. Thanks, Roger."

"No problem, love. Bye." And then he hung up.

I put the phone back on the wall, taking a deep breath. My 'friendship' with Roger was just crumbling down bit by bit.

None of us attempted to talk about the tension back at Biba with Daisy after we left. And I thought the incident could be forgotten, never to be spoken about ever again. But I was wrong. Dead wrong.

It was when Emma and I were sat in our living room, The Beatles crackling through the record player on top of Emma's piano, when our calm evening of studying was interrupted. The small lamp in the corner of the room only managed to light half of the area, but it was still somehow peaceful and homely. We had both wrapped ourselves up in blankets, books and folders splayed over our laps.

"Do you and Daisy have some sort of beef?"

"No."

"It just looked like you did. You were off with her the whole time."

"She stood there and spoke badly of my boyfriend off to my face."

"Even before that, Maria. You were being a bit of a—"

"A bitch?"

"...Yes."

And that was our conversation. If only I could've broken down and told Emma everything at that precise moment, let it all come out. Tell her that Daisy did in fact shag Roger and vice versa.

And maybe, just maybe... Things wouldn't have been as shit as they actually would turn out to be.


	22. quiet space, loud mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can only apologise for how short this part is - it is a filler chapter. 
> 
> I do promise, however, that this story has a lot in store and I just encourage you to stick around and you will not be disappointed! 
> 
> I love you all, thank you for your continued support!

~quiet space, loud mind~

I know you're supposed to be quiet in libraries. I promise, I'm fully aware.

But when you're drowning in your own tears, head in your best friend's lap, it's a bit difficult to not make those disgusting fucking noises. I struggled to regain my breath, the pattern becoming irregular as Emma's hand stroked my back.

"You'll be okay, you're always okay in the end."

I sat back up, hair sticking to my cheeks from the tears that had fallen for the previous half an hour. I knew my face was flushed red and my mascara was slowly but surely smudging out around my eyes. I sniffled, looking at Emma in the eyes.

"This is not going to be okay, it's never okay. You're not there when shit kicks off." I whined shakily, my hands trembling in my lap. I leaned back, taking a deep breath the best I could. I closed my eyes, my mind racing and creating different images in my head that made me panicked so much more. I hated feeling like this; there was nothing worse than hating the thought of seeing your own family.

Emma went quiet, her hand on my knee faltering. I heard some mumbling through my clouded emotions before another hand on my shoulder took me by surprise.

I looked up to see Brian stood behind the sofa in the library, some books in his hand and a concerned look on his face. I could see in my upside-down vision that he was wearing his regular tight, white shirt with a black blazer over it, a scarf hanging from his neck. And when he rushed round to sit next to me, my eyes fell on his black flares. Seeing Brian and that familiar sight of his fashion comforted me, and I knew I was safe. As soon as he sat down, I shuffled closer to him, the tears once again starting to fall. I leaned into him, his arms instantly wrapping around me, pulling me into his embrace.

"What's wrong, love?" Brian asked me softly, one of his hands coming up to the back of my head, gently stroking my hair.

"Let her calm down first, Brian, she can hardly talk." Emma said, Roger sitting down next to her. But I didn't really have the energy to dwell over their situation, as I was trying to control my own panic attack.

"I can speak for m-myself, thank y-you, Emma!" I practically screamed into Brian's chest, the words not articulating in a way that made any sense at all.

"This is a quiet public space!" I heard the whisper-shout from the librarian, sedentary at her desk, eyes boring into me judgementally. I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, shut up." I responded a bit too loudly, but despite the furious look on the librarian's face, I was just met with a hush from Brian, his hand pressing into the back of my head harder, his arms wrapping round me tighter. He began to rock me back and forth, his chin coming to rest on top of my head. I was soaking Brian's shirt with my tears at this point and I couldn't help but feel bad for ruining his outfit – he looked so good. So, I pulled away slightly, lifting my head so that my forehead was now the only thing pressing against him.

I lifted one of my shaking hands up to his wrist, pulling it down to interlace my fingers with his, his calloused skin smooth against mine. After I regained my breath enough to form a coherent sentence, I looked up at him, his hazel eyes full of concern.

"My mum wants me to go up North for Christmas." Repeating it again hurt even more than it did when it came from my mum herself.

I couldn't unsee the confusion on Brian's face, so I clarified. "I don't like it back home. It's always so fucking miserable and so... Not what Christmas is supposed to be. And I love Christmas." The last sentence came out as a kind of whine, sighing in defeat and looking down. "My family doesn't even do Christmas properly; they buy all this fancy food that normal people just don't eat. It's just a reminder that my family have all this money and never share any of it with me even though I'm their daughter." My sadness turned into sour anger, squeezing Brian's hand with the emotion.

Brian chewed the inside of his cheek, eye darting at Emma and Roger and then back to me again. "Don't you think they just want to see you since you live so far away now?"

Furrowing my eyebrows, I did run over that possibility briefly. And a twang of guilt flooded my heart for a split second, before my sense of reality sank back in. "No." I simply said, shaking my head. "If they want to see me so much, they should ring me more often. My mum only rings when she wants to tell someone about how much fun she's having over there going to fancy restaurants and clubs with my dad. She never wants to know how I am and she's never interested in what I'm doing. But when it comes to boys, all hell breaks loose! Like, I can't even have a fucking love life without her having something to say about it!" Tears were, once again, freely flowing down my cheeks and there was no stopping them.

At the mention of relationships, Brian's eyebrows raised up. "Have you told her about... Us?" There was some nervousness laced in his tone and now it was his turn to squeeze my hand.

"I... I've mentioned you." I sighed, guilty. I didn't want to look up at him at all; I didn't want to risk seeing the broken look on that angel's face as I admitted I never told my parents about our relationship. But, when he didn't say anything, I had no choice but to look up at him. "I'm so scared to tell her we're a thing, Bri, it's not easy for me to tell her stuff like that. She'll want to know every little thing about you and that's none of her business. I don't want to put you in that situation."

My reasoning seemed to sooth Brian's intense stare, as he pulled me back into him gently, settling backwards on the sofa and capturing me in a pleasant embrace.

"Are you angry at me?" I mumbled into his shirt, my eyes slowly shutting.

"Of course not, Maria. Why would I be angry at you?"

"I just thought it was a normal thing to tell your parents about people you have relationships with."

"I mean, it is, but not everyone has that freedom. There's nothing wrong with keeping certain things to yourself. I'm just a bit worried about how they will react when you finally tell them, and they find out that you've been keeping it from them for so long." Although Brian's words were serious, I couldn't help but be calmed by his voice, the soft gravel rumbling in his throat and chest, vibrating against my head.

I didn't answer him, though. I didn't need to. He was right and we both knew it.

"We're going to head off." I heard Roger say, followed by the shuffling of him and Emma standing up. "We'll be back at the house."

The atmosphere of the library started to settle in, the voices and worries in my head slowly dissipating through my time in Brian's arms. He was my shield, my lifeline, my everything.

"Is this your first Christmas away from your family?" Brian asked me, his hand soothing over my hair.

"It would have been." I sighed, looking up at him. "I was excited to spend Christmas away from them, I didn't have to worry about impressing them, I could just have fun with Emma and relax." As the words left my mouth, I suddenly felt an overwhelming bout of sadness once again. "I could've spent more time with you as well." As I exhaled, I felt tears brimming up once again. "I don't want to go back up there, Brian, I really don't."

"I know, shh..." He nuzzled his face into my hair, continuing to rock us both back and forth. "It's only for two weeks, right? And we can all see each other before you have to leave. We can have our own little Christmas at the house, can't we? I don't think anyone wants to see you leave without having some type of get-together."

"Apart from Roger." I mumbled, leaning back into Brian.

"What?"

"Roger. He doesn't like me very much, does he?"

"I don't know, love. He's a complicated human sometimes. It takes a lot to get him to warm up to people, but I wouldn't say he dislikes you at all. I don't think he has ever had a friend who is a woman, who he hasn't been intimate with. It's probably new for him. I'd give him time to warm up a bit, but I'm sure you two would be close as anything if you actually took the time to know each other." Brian explained, looking down at me.

Maybe Brian was right; maybe I did just need to get to know Roger to stop this anger for him bubbling up constantly.

"I'm sorry if I've added to tension, or whatever." I mumbled, looking away. This earned an amused chuckle from Brian, who sat there and shook his head.

"You haven't, don't worry. Roger doesn't really care about what people think of him. Plus, it's completely understandable as to why you feel the way you feel. He hurt your best friend. I'd feel the same if someone hurt my best friend."

"And who's your best friend?" I asked with a smirk.

"Roger." He answered bluntly, eyes piercing into mine. "And you." He added, head leaning down and peppering playful kisses on my shoulder. "And if anyone hurt you," He started, moving his lips up to my ear, mumbling with gravel. "I'd kill them." As though he'd not even said anything, he sweetly kissed my cheek and pulled back, smiling at me.

"As I would if someone was to hurt you, poodle-head." I brought my hand up to Brian's hair, ruffling it a little. "Did I tell you about the time my professor chatted absolute shit about you and the boys?"

"No, you did not."

"Long story short, he offended you, Freddie and Roger so I shot back at him." I smiled proudly.

"Saying?"

"I asked him if he'd ever tried studying astrophysics. He said no. I think I replied with 'thought not' and walked away." This made Brian laugh and pull me into him again.

"So, I can trust you'll always be by my side, no matter what." He squeezed me.

"Always."

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, Maria... I really don't."

"You didn't have to do anything, Brian."

We just sat there, staring at each other in the warm embrace amongst the silence in the library.

"Have you eaten today?" He asked, pushing some hair behind my shoulder. I shook my head, eyes still fixated on him. "Do you fancy going to get something together? Might take your mind off of things."

This made me smile, grateful that I had Brian and his support always. And as guilty as I felt for making my problems his, I knew that he wasn't going to leave me to fight anything on my own – he cared, and that's something really special.


	23. the bigger, the better, darling

~ the bigger, the better, darling ~

I tried my best to listen to Professor Ross, but nothing seemed to come out of his quickly moving mouth. It was just a dull murmur – a sound I couldn't really comprehend and manipulate into a sentence that made actual sense. I doubt what he was saying was anything that could be of any use to me as we were supposed to be going over past notes and lectures in preparation for the exams after the Christmas break. I'd done this before, where I would pay very little attention to the revision lectures and ensure myself that I'd revise at the flat, which I always abided by. Only, this time, the flat would not be the sanctuary of my studies.

The earliest memories I have of revising at home was for my A Levels at college, which was a good few years before I even started university at Imperial. I did get decent grades in my A Levels, but the entire revision fiasco was just pure hell. I'm sure you've all had the schtick from your loved ones about 'hard work pays off' etc... But when that hard work is forced hard work, it doesn't pay off. The thrill of learning was taken away from me when I was 18, the year I finished college. My dad made out a revision schedule for me and my mum was the one to make sure I was doing it. I remember feeling trapped in my own home, staying hours after college and getting the latest train possible back to my town. It was like I was back at high school, everything under regulation and strict rules. I didn't want to go back to that for my degree.

But there I was, sat next to Emma and slumped over my desk, chin resting in the palm of my hand and my elbow rested on the hard wood. I traced the end of my pen across my lips as some sort of relaxation, but it did nothing of the sort. I did let my eyes glance at my notes, but it was nothing but a jumbled-up cluster of unfamiliar symbols. I could hear the discreet scratch of Emma's pen on her own paper, most likely frantically catching up on notes she'd not yet written down due to her busy schedule. By busy schedule, I mean being pounded into a mattress twice a day at Sinclair Road. Or at the flat. Depending on how she felt.

"Are you ok?" Came a familiar accent from the left of me, and it was what I needed to snap me out of my trance. I turned my head to see a concerned looking Albert.

"Not really." I admitted with a sigh. I'd told Albert about my situation whilst we were waiting for Professor Ross to show, and he found it difficult to understand, having a pretty much perfect life. That's not me being salty, by the way, the idea of having a stable relationship with your parents and a relatively calm home life is just completely foreign to me.

"But I'll be okay. It's only two weeks." I convinced myself, repeating Brian's words.

The rest of the lecture seemed to last forever, everything still being so unclear and ominous to me. I was just thinking about the what-ifs and all the outcomes from going up North for such a short period of time.

Trust me, my mum and dad... Can be brutal.

I found myself wandering around alone after the lecture had finally finished. Emma had left to go see Roger, instead of coming with me and studying with me like our Thursday tradition went. I didn't really have any other friends, and Brian... I knew Brian was working really hard on his thesis for his PhD and I didn't want to disturb him. Besides, I don't even think I was allowed in the lab whilst students were working. So, I came to my last resort, besides sitting in the library and crying for two hours – Freddie.

I knew the art design students were in the studios, so that's where I made my way towards. It was rare that Freddie would show up to his classes, but there was no harm in trying to find him. I had nothing else to do, after all. As I wandered down the corridors, my eyes glazed over the collages plastered on the walls. It all looked so fun. I stopped in front of a display of Imperial's annual fashion show they did back in June. I couldn't help but scold myself for choosing to study such a complex and often underrated subject. Sure, the jobs in the industry were good money and it was almost certain you'd meet an array of different types of interesting individuals. But fashion and art seemed so self-expressive. Every look on the runway photographed gave me some sort of insight into the designer. It was a high-camp experience. The campest thing I'd ever laid eyes on.

About five looks into the display, my eyes landed on a tall lanky model wearing a long yellow coat, the tails hitting the floor and layered underneath and give it some extra volume. The sleeves were long and flared towards the wrists, half covering the black-haired model's hands. It featured two brown buttons in the centre, tied up and cinching it in for shape. The neckline resembled a blazer, but was sewn with brown patterns, a brown that matched the buttons, and finished off with some very bold and black feathers draped over the shoulders to give it a square shape. It resembled a kimono and I was in awe by the coat, shocked that a student at Imperial could achieve such high-fashion. However, I didn't have to be shocked for much longer, as the label below the photo read:

"Welcome to the Dreamer's Ball, designed by Freddie Bulsara, Third Year."

Of course, I thought, continuing down the corridor and towards the studio. I could see my part of the display in the Business department in my head. 'The Industry is Shit, by Maria Brennan, Second Year'. Yes, that'll turn heads.

The fashion studios were always so welcoming to visitors, or so I had heard. But I started being more convinced of that claim as the closer I got to the doors, the louder the music from a record player was blasting. The Beatles, in particular. Twist and Shout. Tune.

The happier atmosphere did lighten my anxiety of going into unknown places, so I pushed open one of the double doors and it was now clear to me why those doors were so thick and heavy... and soundproof. Jesus, was that music loud.

I made my way through the rows of tables covered in fabric and rulers, and scissors, and every type of resource you could imagine, receiving nothing but friendly smiles from the students in there. I bit down on my lip as I sought out Freddie at the other end of the room, seemingly stressing about something, flamboyantly flinging his arms about, and a tape measure draped around his neck.

He didn't actually notice me until I had approached him fully, being careful as to not startle him. Despite the stress that was clearly bubbling up, he greeted me with a wide grin and opened his arms out wide. And with a genuinely happy smile from myself, I accepted Freddie's advances, enveloping him into a tight embrace.

"Maria, darling, how wonderful to see you! What a nice surprise!"

"Well I wasn't doing much, so I thought I'd come and look for you. But I can leave if you're busy..." I added, pulling away and gesturing towards the mess his station was in.

"Oh, dear, I'm in a rather sticky situation." He huffed, waving his hand to the side.

"Do I want to know?" I smirked at him, lightening the mood.

"Behave yourself, darling." He tutted at me as he padded round his station, me following.

With a giggle, I leaned on the table. "Sorry. What's up?"

"My damn model hasn't shown up. Again." I looked over at the mannequin Freddie had been using instead of a person. "I cannot work with that lump of polystyrene any longer or I'll go completely mad!" He sounded like a child having a tantrum.

"I'm sure that lump of polystyrene is highly offended! She has feelings." I smirked to try and shake his nerves a bit, and it seemingly worked by the smile that grew on his face.

"She just simply isn't the right shape, darling." He shook his head, once more analysing the mannequin. "I need someone who doesn't look like... A twig?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that the desired body type at the moment?"

Freddie looked at me with narrow eyes, and an expression that questioned my common sense. "Darling... I may be desirable but that doesn't mean it'll last forever. Sometimes you have to be wild, different. Live a little." He winked. "I need someone with a little extra."

I just nodded my head slowly, "Oh, right..." I looked at Freddie, waiting for him to find a solution like he always did. But he just stared at me. His eyebrows raised, and his eyes studied my entire body for a second, causing me to recoil a little bit. "What...?"

He held his hand up to his face, placing his finger over his lips as he glided over to me. He brought the measuring tape up to my side, letting it fall to my feet. A few minutes later, and he was writing down all my measurements on a piece of scrap paper on the work bench.

Freddie was a very persistent and convincing person when he had his mind set on something. That's why I ended up being his model for the time being, my arms out to the side as he tightened some fabric round my waist. From what he was constructing, all I could tell was that it was a similar garment to what I had seen on the display out in the corridor, only this time it wasn't a mustard-yellow; it was light blue.

"I saw Mary the other day." I said softly, attempting to make some sort of conversation with Freddie as he worked. He only hummed in response; a pin held between his teeth. However, he did remove it to answer me.

"So, you finally went to Biba? Tell me you bought a ravishing outfit, dear."

"I'm afraid Biba doesn't offer anything above a size 16." I frowned, but smiled the best I could through it. "I mean, there were lots of really nice stuff, but there's no way I'd fit into any of it."

I heard Freddie scoff a little, getting down on his knees and tending to the garment down there. "You can't be that far away from a 16, darling."

"I float between an 18 and a 20, depending on where I'm shopping." I said with almost disgust laced in my voice. It was no secret that I hated how I looked most of the time and a lot of that just came down to my weight issues. I never was a very skinny girl, even when I was growing up. I think it was in my family's DNA that we all just have something a little extra. But it seemed to have skipped a generation when it came down to my mum, since she was a skinny thing. She never understood my insecurities or my struggles with controlling my weight – she would tell me to just 'eat less' or 'exercise more', constantly telling me it's not that hard to be healthy. But I always felt there was more to it than just not having the will to try. And I was proved right when I had to go out on my own at 16 to the local library and read up about this stuff. It was then that I realised my issues actually weren't as controllable as they seemed to be. My depression and my... Well, my depression was basically a factor.

Anyway.

Freddie looked up at me and gave me an encouraging smile. "The bigger, the better, darling. Speaking of, how is Brian?" His smile turned into a toothy grin.

I widened my eyes, my cheeks flushing up. "I do not know what you mean." I smirked to myself, knowing full well what he meant.

"Oh, darling, you're not suddenly a prude, are you?" He rose back up, now only a few inches taller than me. I didn't answer him, though, I just stared and smiled to myself. "Oh no, there's something you're not telling me, Maria..." He sang, putting his measuring tape and scissors back on the table and leaning against it. "Tell me everything."

"Well..." I said with a sigh. "You know when you and Roger were downstairs that one night, playing scrabble?"

Freddie's grin grew even wider. "Yes."

"We went upstairs, right?"

"Yes."

"And... Let's just say I couldn't walk right the next day." I quickly ended the story, hoping to move onto something else. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell Freddie about my life with Brian. I just felt awkward. I had never had that conversation with anyone before and even though it was insanely exciting, it was scary that I had now delved into a whole other world, and a whole other intimacy.

"Maria Brennan, don't you dare leave me on that note. Not when it's getting so good." He chuckled. "Tell me what it was like! My little protegee has blossomed!" He ordered excitedly.

"Fine!" I gave in with a giggle. "He was... Amazing, Freddie. And not just with that, it was the way he handled me. The way he touched me. He made me feel like I was more than something to get him off. He didn't just shag me, he, like... This is going to sound so fucking soft. But he made love to me, Freddie. And let me tell you, it felt brilliant."

Freddie just stood there with his back against the work bench, his smile lingering as he listened in, genuinely interested in what I was saying. "I was going to tell you a long time ago about how big he is, but I thought that might have scared you." He must have sensed my confusion. "Darling, no need to worry, we are a band and we share dressing rooms."

"I knew that..." I trailed off, rolling my eyes. "Anyway, yes, he's fucking hung. And it hurt. But after a while, it was just nice. And it was a journey. I loved it."

"Do you love him?"

Did I?

Brian was the only person I'd ever connected with on an almost spiritual level. He was the only person who had the ability to help me out of a panic attack and make sure I was feeling okay. He understood me, and he understood when and when not to ask me questions. Not only that, but I cared for him more than anyone else ever. I loved seeing him with that hedgehog, and I loved seeing him happy whenever he strummed away at his guitar or whenever he spoke about space. I loved his hair, how it felt as I played with it. His smile, it sent sparks everywhere whenever I saw it.

"...Yes." I let out, not being able to stop the smile that was forming from being obvious.

Freddie nodded. "I know. And he loves you too, Maria. Have you said that to each other yet?"

"Absolutely not!" I answered a bit too quickly. "That's just... Next level of commitment. It's scary!"

"I tell Mary I love her all the time." He spoke quietly enough for me to only just hear him over the music playing in the room.

I furrowed my eyebrows, but before I could even ask what he meant, he promptly turned around and continued his work.

Freddie had taken off at around 6pm after finishing the top half of his masterpiece. It had gotten to that time of the day when it's dark and miserable, the streetlights causing dull reflections on the wet ground, brown leaves travelling with the wind.

I didn't want to go home. I knew I'd be alone that night; there was no way Emma didn't go back to Sinclair Road with Roger. And Brian was staying overnight at Imperial.

I took my time walking home, even though it had gotten to a point where I couldn't feel my nose or my ears anymore because of how cold the wind was. I wanted nothing more than for the Christmas holidays to be over with, so I could stay in London with the people I loved the most. I purposefully took the longest route back to the flats, even going as far as to stopping at the shop down the street for an unnecessarily long amount of time.

I finally got back to my block of flats, and it was uncomfortably quiet. Granted, it was around 10pm when I made it back, but I never liked it when there was a lack of chattering from different flats, maybe the occasional student returning from working after hours. This time there was absolutely nobody around. No noise anywhere but the leaves on the ground and the wind in the air.

It was one of those moments where your heart knows there's something not right, but your brain tries to ignore it as your pulse increases with each step you take. Even if there wasn't anything wrong, there was still that bit of anxiety at the uncertainty. I moved my legs as fast as they could take me, not leaving much time for another panic attack to wash over me. Or perhaps my fast pace was the panic attack? I can never tell sometimes.

By the time I had gotten to my building, I felt the sense of panic arising. And I knew I couldn't stop the compression in my chest and the thick haze of tears clouding my view. I let out a little sob, leaning against the wall, forehead pressed into it.

You're almost inside, Maria, you're alright.

No, you're not, as soon as you get inside, you'll be reminded of how alone you are. And it's one step closer to going back home for Christmas.

My stomach clenched as the anxiety rose so much, up to a point of nausea. Now, I might just be crazy, but when I actually made any attempt to make it inside the building, I came face to face with that man. That fucking man, again. As much of his body covered up as possible.

You know, the man in the trench coat?? Sounds awfully dramatic.

Instead of keeping quiet, this mysterious figure of a man actually spoke. It didn't relieve any suspicion or nerves as it was as clear as day that the first thing he muttered, as he slowly began to approach me was my own name. My own name, pouring out of a stranger's mouth who had been here before, but was out of luck to find I was not.

It was just way too much for me to handle. Too many things to think about, too much emotion to process.

I found myself running. Running towards the only place I knew I would be safe, no matter what. Perhaps I should have just moved in at Sinclair Road at that point.

I had calmed slightly when I saw Brian's house in the distance – I knew he wasn't home, but I knew that someone had to be in. I knew that Emma and Roger were in, at least. I could only hope and pray that they hadn't decided to go out for the night.

I took some time to regain my breath as I approached the front door that I knew so well, before lifting my hand up to knock at the wood. I closed my eyes, silently hoping there to be a quick answer. Thankfully, it worked out in my favour for once.

A couple of rattles and bangs against the locks on the door later, and Roger was opening the door just enough for him to peer his head outside. His hair was a mess, eyes red with dark bags underneath, and he was in his sleepwear.

He squinted his eyes at me before opening the door a bit more. "Maria? What are you doing here? Brian's still at—'

"I know." I interrupted him, furrowing my eyebrows. "I just... I need somewhere else to stay tonight." I looked at him with pleading eyes. I hated him, but he was my only hope at that point.

"Why? Has something happened?"

"Can I come in? It's cold." I practically whimpered, my eyes becoming heavy with exhaustion. He answered by opening the door entirely, and moving aside for me. He shut and locked the door behind me.

"I've just woken up, so... I don't think I'm a great person to talk to right now, love." He scratched his head. "But, uh... If you really need to talk about it..."

I sighed to myself. "No, don't worry yourself." I simply said and turned to the living room, my eyes unintentionally rolling at his blatant disinterest in his best friend's girlfriend and her mental stability.

I could hear Roger's steps leaving towards the staircase. "Well, you know where everything is. Try not to make any noise, Emma and I are knackered." And with that, he disappeared upstairs.

I stood in the living room; arms folded. I silently debated whether or not I should take my denim jacket off, but I remembered just how cold Brian's house got during the night.

I took a deep breath, but grimaced at the dryness my mouth had developed over these past few hours.

Water, Maria.

I could tell that Brian and Freddie hadn't really been back to the house for a while, as the kitchen was getting progressively more and more unkempt. I'm not saying that Roger doesn't know how to look after himself – I'm saying he doesn't know how to do it properly. I guess he could be pretty useful at times. Okay, I know I'm being really petty, you don't need to let me know that.

For some reason, the simple task of finding a glass to use was really difficult, but it had become clear that Roger and Emma probably had used glasses up in Roger's room that they just hadn't brought down at any point. A mug would have to do for my... Water.

Well, it was my intention to have water.

Until I saw the half full bottle of cheap vodka sat on the side.

I knew I had the slight mentality of an addict, or an alcoholic – but I was never like that. I just loved a drink every now and then, especially when it would relieve the anxiety and mild depression that I had been victim to at the time.

It just may have been extended a little more when I found myself sat on the sofa, the bottle in my hand and the last swig remaining in the bottom. Yes, I had drank more or less half a bottle of vodka on my own, no mixers, no friends, just tears. I was a sad fucking child.

The last gulp burned as it travelled down my throat, I pressed my lips together as an attempt to alleviate the pain and it soon subsided as I struggled to put the empty bottle on the coffee table. I was wankered. Positively.

I knew I was too far gone to walk upstairs to Brian's room without either falling back down the stairs and breaking my neck, or accidentally walking into the wrong room and on something that would scar me for life. So, I shimmied down the sofa, resting my head on the arm.

I let my eyes fall shut, the quietness settling in around me, thoughts of Brian in my head as I drifted off to sleep.


	24. stars and space dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mature content warning :) 
> 
> enjoy babies

Chapter 24

One thing that could distract me from how shit everything seemed to be at that moment was Christmas music. And Freddie had a sick collection of Christmas records at Sinclair Road. It was eventually the 22nd December and a day before I was to drag myself back home for two entire weeks. I just hoped that the get together we had all planned would be worth two weeks away from everyone. 

Originally, we were going to have everybody over at Sinclair Road, including Ellie and Sam. But it wound up it just being the Queen boys, along with me and Emma. I wasn’t entirely mad at that outcome – you all already know I’m terrible in a group setting anyways. Besides, I’m sure that a few of us would probably end up extracting ourselves from the group, if you know what I mean. 

As for the situation with Emma, it didn’t improve really. It honestly just got progressively more tense – I don’t think either of us realised when things started to stagnate. All I knew was that our friendship was heading in a direction that wasn’t pleasant. My bubbling hatred for my best friend’s boyfriend put a huge weight on us living together, and as hard as I tried to be happy for them, I just couldn’t. I say hatred, but honestly, I was just furious with his disloyalty and his ability to sleep around without any thought of a repercussion. Especially when it involved someone as sensitive as Emma. 

I had decided to head over to Sinclair Road much before the time we had arranged. I wanted to see Brian without the production that was a get-together with the Queen boys. I missed him while he was busy with his studies and I was more than looking forward to being able to spend as much time with him as possible before leaving the following day. 

I was sat, cross-legged, in the centre of Brian’s living room, the table pushed into the wall to make space. I was occupying myself making little festive paper chains, which was actually rather therapeutic. Brian had insisted that I didn’t have to help decorate, but me, being the stubborn little bitch I was, started to help anyway. 

“Make sure you get them dead centre, darling, we need to transform this house into a palace!” Freddie exclaimed with way too much energy. 

“Fred, she knows how to decorate.” Brian chuckled, sitting on the sofa in front of me. 

“I was just making sure.” Freddie replied in defence, disappearing into the kitchen. 

I laughed to myself, looking down at my lap and continuing with the paper chains. The calm atmosphere settled in around us, though within a few hours, the room would be far from calm. 

“How are you doing, my love?” Brian asked softly, leaning down to pick up some finished paper chains. His question made my lips fall into a flat line, pressing together. 

“I’m okay.” I replied, just as soft. “I just want the next two weeks to go fast, so I can see you all again.” I refused to make eye contact with Brian, as I knew that as soon as I did, I would be in tears. Again. I was already on the phone to him that morning, complaining like I had done every morning. I was immensely appreciative of Brian’s attentiveness; if I was on the other end of my phone calls, I’d be annoyed at me. 

“Don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you anticipate it to be. The human brain is funny like that. And, besides, if things do get bad, I’m right there at the other end of the phone line. You know that, don’t you?” He lowered his voice, though it didn’t lose the sternness. 

I finally looked up at him, my eyes fixated on his. “I know. And I’m so, so grateful for that. I’m grateful for you.” He smiled ever so slightly, but I could see how happy he was just by looking at his hazel orbs. 

“Try and forget about it for tonight, okay? Let’s have some fun.” He leaned down and placed a firm kiss on my forehead. 

//

The vodka burned my throat as it slipped down, but I loved the slight pain that came with doing shots so frequently. It let me know I wasn’t boring and I was, in fact, doing something that everybody else was doing. It may have been an unhealthy way of looking at things, but in this situation, could you really blame me? 

I was over at the record player in the corner of the living room, separated from the rest of the group, who were congregated in the centre. I picked up the next vinyl in Freddie’s collection and immediately, I felt a grin spread across my face. I gently slipped the record out the sleeve and placed it on the turn table, treating the material like it was the most precious thing in the world. 

So, this is Christmas…

I turned around and floated back into the group, Freddie passing me a glass of orange juice and vodka: a beverage everyone knew I loved, despite its generic qualities. 

“You’ll be back before you know it, darling!” He reached over and pressed a sloppily drunken kiss to my cheek, making me giggle. 

“I know…” I whined, leaning against him. “Are you sure it’s okay to call? I don’t want to interrupt anything or just be pain in the arse.” I was half joking, but mostly just…. Wasn’t. I always had a horrible anxiety of being irritating. 

“How could you be a pain?” My head turned to the direction of the voice. “It’s not a problem, Maria.” 

I just stared at Roger for a second, trying to find any trace of a lie. But I couldn’t find it. He seemed to be in his comfort zone: one arm around Emma and the other holding a glass of whiskey. There’d be no reason for him to be deceitful. 

“Oh…” I mumbled, almost inaudibly. “Thanks, Roger…” I gave him a small smile, and for once, it didn’t have to be faked. 

“Presents?” Roger changed the subject, but it didn’t upset me; the tension between the two of us couldn’t be resolved within a few words. 

“Yes!” Freddie shouted, lifting his drink in the air towards the staircase, where Mary was returning from the bathroom. 

“Where’s Brian?” I asked, my eyes searching around the room. 

“I think he’s upstairs.” John answered. 

Don’t do it, Maria. Don’t jump to conclusions. Mary was in the bathroom. 

I fell back onto the sofa, Emma next to me and Roger on the arm next to her. The others left the space next to me for Brian, as he finally returned with a little box in his hand. John went over to the record player and turned down the volume a little. 

Brian sat himself next to me, the dip in the sofa causing me to lean into him, to which he took my hand in his tightly. Bri seemed to be in a really good mood that day and I couldn’t really fault him because I felt like jumping off a bridge. That being said, he knew I felt awful and he was more attentive to me than he was himself. 

“Took your time.” Roger said, pulling Emma to his side. 

“I thought I’d lost it.” Brian said, holding up the box in his hand. Thank God, he was just looking for something… I mentally scolded myself for even considering he was being unfaithful towards me. As if Mary and Brian would even think about doing something like that. Maria, my love, you are stupid. I smiled to myself, somehow finding humour in my anxiety. 

Everybody being together reminded me that I did have a family in London, and it didn’t matter how long I’d be away, I’d always have these wonderful people to come back to. 

I couldn’t get over how cute Mary and Freddie were together, despite the speculations of things not going too well and Freddie’s countless references to a possible break up. Whenever they were together, they were cute. And whether or not that was romantic or just platonic cuteness, it was still lovely to be witness to. Freddie spoiled her terribly, to be honest. He had gotten her an entirely new outfit that must have cost him a fair bit of money, as it came complete with jewellery – there was no way it was cheap jewellery either. You would never catch Freddie Mercury purchasing cheap jewellery. Ever. 

John, bless him, was a bit lost as to what to get everyone. He just resorted to writing a nice message in everybody’s Christmas card, and a miniature bottle of our favourite alcohols. John Deacon was the perfect example of true friendship. He didn’t have to win anyone over with expensive gifts or extreme gestures; he was always there and he knew the importance of morals within a friendship. I don’t think you could have gotten any more genuine than that. 

The highlight of the night had to be Roger and Emma’s exchange of gifts. Even I had no idea what she was getting him. 

I had my head leant against Brian’s shoulder as I watched Emma open her present first. Her eyes lit up to see the beauty that was…. A bottle of red wine. It honestly did not take much to impress Emma when it involved her wine and Roger hit the nail on the head with the brand. 

However, that wasn’t the shocker of the night. 

Roger held a rather large box in his hand, passed over to him by Emma. We all had suspected it to be wine or a bottle of something. They were shallow with their presents but they always made up for it in bed, I should imagine. But we were wrong. So wrong. 

Roger ripped away some of the wrapping paper, that revealed the word ‘Hitachi’ on it and I felt Brian tense up next to me. The grip he had on my hand tightened up and his breathing became short of shallow. I would have questioned his change in demeanour, if I wasn’t interrupted by Freddie screaming with laughter. 

“You could have asked me to open this in a more private place, sweetheart.” Roger said to Emma, holding what looked like one of Hitachi’s new vibrators. Freddie was rolling on the floor, holding his drink up as to not spill it everywhere. Mary and John were in pure shock, Emma was buzzing, I was giggling uncontrollably like Fred and Brian… Brian was just tense. He may have chuckled slightly, but there wasn’t much reaction from him. 

I looked at Emma and nudged her in the side. “Now I know where that catalogue went.” 

This made Freddie laugh even more, as his screamed once again. John shook his head at the situation. 

“I don’t think we’ll be seeing Roger and Emma as much anymore.” He said, sipping on his drink. 

Brian cleared his throat, shifting a bit in his seat. As the others were preoccupied with overseeing Roger’s new device, I took it as an opportunity to turn to Brian. “Are you okay?” I asked him with a small smile on my face. 

“I’m fine, love.” He answered, slipping his hand from my grip and going for the small box he had on his knee. “Folks, can we carry on?” He asked, getting everyone’s attention. “I’m sure we’ll all be hearing a lot from that uh… Toy, within the next twenty-four hours.”   
“You’re just jealous because you don’t have a toy.” Roger gloated, waving the box around, causing Brian to roll his eyes. 

“I wouldn’t take it as a compliment, Blondie.” Brian murmured. “Anyway.” He turned to me, sliding the box into my hand. “Merry Christmas, love.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the side of my head, one of his hands holding the other side. He sat back on the sofa as I pulled open the lid, and removed the layer of tissue paper. 

My mouth fell open a little as my eyes dragged over the sparkles than shone back at me. I brought the box closer to my face to see the present fully. A silver ring slotted gently into the black box, it almost looked too expensive to touch. I looked back at Brian with a look of disbelief, a shy look on his own face. 

He gave me a soft, close lipped smile. “Do you like it?” 

“Of course, I like it, Bri, thank you so much.” I leaned back wrapping an arm around him and kissing him on the cheek with enough force to let him know how thankful I was. “It’s beautiful.” I mumbled against his face before I pulled back. 

“Let’s have a look, darling.” Freddie said, with a knowing smile. That’s when I noticed everybody had that same smile on their face. At least they can keep secrets well. 

I passed it over to Freddie, his eyes dancing over it again, as he seemed to approve of the jewellery, even though it probably already went through his approval more than once. 

When he handed it back over to me, I finally took it out of the box and slid it on my index finger. It was a perfect fit and looked even more perfect on me than it did in the box. 

“I know how you like to wear rings on that finger, so I had it sized specifically.” Brian said, sitting forwards and watching me. 

“How did you manage to get the size so perfect?” 

“Lucky guess.” He looked at me, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth before leaning forwards and giving me a short peck on the lips. “Have you seen the engravement?” He looked down at the ring again. 

“No…” I trailed off, twisting the ring round on my finger. My heart jumped as I saw the word ‘poodle’ engraved onto the back of it in very small letters, but big enough for me to know it’s there when I’m wearing it. I stuck my bottom lip out slightly, furrowing my eyebrows and looking at Brian. “You’re gonna make me cry…” I whined, earning a laugh from everyone. Brian chuckled and pulled me into him, embracing me fully. 

“There is something else I want to give you, but I’ll have to give you that when we’re alone.” He whispered in my ear as everyone sorted themselves out with more drinks. He released me with a smirk on his face that he quickly got rid of when Freddie came back and sat in front of us on the floor.   
“I-I, uh…” I cleared my throat, looking at Freddie. “Can you pass me that box on the table please, Fred?” I asked timidly, pointing across the room. 

I avoided eye contact with anybody as Freddie passed me the box. I clenched my thighs together as an attempt to relieve the dull ache between them. Fuck you, Brian… 

I took a deep breath, passing Brian the box and momentarily losing that arousal that he had bestowed upon me. He looked like a happy kid, as he opened his present and I swear his eyes genuinely lit up when he saw what was inside of it. I held my hands up to my face to conceal the grin on my face as Brian lifted the faux leather clogs out of the cardboard, bringing them to his face to inspect them further. 

“Wow, oh my God.” Brian rambled, his pointy teeth poking from his lips. He brought the shoes further up and sniffed along the leather. “They smell so good.” 

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Brian, what the fuck?” I asked through an eruption of little giggles. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never enjoyed the scent of new stuff.” 

“Okay, books, but not shoes!” 

“Hey, everyone is into different things.” He held his clogs close to him, protectively. 

I narrowed my eyes at him, leaning back and pouting my lips. “What if I told you that it’s real leather?” Brian’s eyes widened, as did everyone else’s. There was a deadly silence, and an immediate tension. Brian even started stuttering, as though he was trying to conceal the fact that he was disappointed. 

Had I been telling the truth; I would have felt guilty. 

“I’m joking! It’s vinyl fabric, Bri, I wouldn’t give you something that had real leather in it.” I shook my head, leaning forwards and nuzzling into him as a way of saying sorry. He sighed in relief and chuckled, wrapping an arm around me. He lowered his head and kissed the top of mine. “Thank you, my love, I’ll wear them every day.” 

Roger chimed in as I pulled back. “Can I get some credit for this?” 

“What for?” John asked.

“I helped her.” He shrugged. 

I looked at Roger and then back at Brian. “Yeah, he did. I was lost; I had no idea what to get you. I was supposed to call Freddie. But somebody wasn’t in. So, I resorted to Roger.” I transitioned between a bitter look towards Freddie, who just nonchalantly sipped on his drink, and a sour smile to Roger, who maintained that smug look on his face. 

“Well, whoever’s idea it was, I love them nonetheless.” Brian interfered with mine and Roger’s glaring match, sliding a hand onto my leg. He gently squeezed the flesh before bringing his hand back to his clogs, putting them away neatly in the box they came in. 

“Can we get the proper booze out now?” Freddie whined, raising to his feet. “The sentiments are lovely and all, but we must give Maria a proper send off! And, it’s Christmas!” 

“Send off? I’m not going away forever.” I quickly added as John reached over and put on a Hendrix record. Oh yes, this was about to get wild, my friends. “I am coming back, you know!” I had to raise my voice over the music as it got progressively louder and everyone rose to their feet to really get everything going. 

Freddie pranced over to me, taking my hands in his and swaying the two of us. “Of course, darling. You can’t stay away from us!” He smirked, spinning us around before letting me go, almost falling into Brian. Freddie let out a cackle, the alcohol in his system finally kicking in. “I suppose I should let you two alone…” He basically mumbled, only just audible over the music as he slowly disappeared in between Roger and Emma, making his way back to Mary. 

I chuckled, spinning around to face Brian, his tall figure stood in all its glory. We didn’t say anything to each other. It was weird. Brian took one of my hands in his and brought it up to his mouth, planting soft and gentle kisses over my knuckles. The butterflies in my stomach once again came to the surface, my brain forgetting about the many people we were sharing the room with. Brian’s eyes fell shut as he let his teeth gently graze over my middle knuckle, just to press his lips down on it again. Flushed, I went to move my hand out of his grip, but he wasn’t having any of it. His grip tightened a bit as he pulled me in the direction of the kitchen. He spun us around and shut the door behind him, the chaotic Hendrix sound being muffled by the walls. You could hear the sound of Freddie and John singing loudly, while Roger was busy making the guitar noises with his mouth. Way too occupied to need a journey to the kitchen, right? 

“I still need to give you your other present.” Brian grinned, leaving my space for a second and going over to the little cupboard the boys kept their cleaning supplies in. Out from it, he took a flat rectangular box, the traditional red ribbon gift wrapped around it. I leaned my back against the door, folding my arms and watching him return back to me. “If they’re not right, just tell me.” He said before holding the box out towards me. I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow before doing as he said. 

Now, I’m not a bad person. I really am not. But… I really couldn’t help but let out an amused set of giggles when I saw what was inside this box. It just was so out of character for Brian. But, then again, we were only together for a month or so at that point. And I guess you could say that this was the moment I got a true glimpse into the mind of Brian May. 

“Brian…” I managed to stutter out, feeling my cheeks heat up and that familiar ache from earlier returning. “Holy shit…” I let out through a sigh, setting the box on a counter and pulling out its contents. I let my eyes drag over the full form of the lace lingerie that hung before me. It was simple, but I was certain that it could be put to good use. It was rather similar to the teddy-style lingerie tops you can get from anywhere nowadays, but of course back then, it was very scandalous to even market lingerie styles like this. 

I saw that, underneath the main piece, were a pair of matching underwear, more sheer and revealing than what I was used to wearing. And if that wasn’t enough, they came with some mid-thigh stockings and a garter. I bit down on my lower lip, dropping the clothing in my hand back into the box and pressing the lid back on it. I turned around to see Brian waiting for some kind of response. 

“You don’t like it, do you?” Brian’s eyebrows furrowed, and I could tell he was beginning to panic, his brain visibly wracking for something to say. I walked right up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his chest. 

“I love your mind, Brian.” I mumbled, shutting him up. His confused expression was soon washed over by a glint of lust in his hazel eyes as I moved my knee between his legs, his hands shooting to my waist to hold me there. “It just does the most unpredictable things. One minute, you’re a sweet, nerdy lad who enjoys stars and space dust, but then the next minute, you’re a rock God that radiates confidence and is just so fucking irresistible.”

“Rock God?” Brian asked, his voice clearly lower than normal. 

“That’s the first thing you comment on? I just described you as, literally, the most perfect human being on this planet.” I teased, tilting my head to the side. 

“Shit.” 

“What?” 

“I um…” Brian stuttered, looking down and then back up again. “I’m just in a bit of a predicament at the moment, love.” 

It didn’t take a genius to know what he meant by that. And I wracked my brain through scenarios and every possible way this could blow up in my face, but I still guided Brian towards the door, pressing him into it. “Let me help you get out of that predicament, then.” I smiled, lifting myself up onto my tiptoes and pressing my lips firmly to his. My hands wandered over his shoulders, whilst his own gripped tightly at my hips. I let out a pleased sigh when it was him who deepened our kiss, his soft tongue making contact with my own. I dragged my hands down his chest, slipping them into the opening. I always liked it when he left half of his shirt unbuttoned. I finally trailed back upwards, clasping my hands round the back of his neck and I pulled him closer to me, the kiss intensifying. He grunted at the sudden force, but accepted it, hands grasping at my backside. 

I sloppily laid kiss after kiss up Brian’s cheek, down to his defined jaw, and down his neck, nipping at places that made him tense up. It was when I lowered to my knees in front of him that the heat of reality sunk in.

Brian swallowed thickly, looking between me and the doorknob next to him. I moved my hands round to the front of his trousers, fiddling with the buttons and pulling down the zip. 

“Maria… What if someone walks in?” Brian asked, moving some of my hair out of my face so he could look at me properly. I licked my lips, my own eyes looking towards the doorknob, my mind drifting to the image of somebody trying to get in, but being blocked by Brian splayed against it. This image put a smirk on my face. “Maria…” Brian warned me almost, shifting in his place. 

“What?” I asked innocently, smiling sweetly up at him. He shook his head, leaning back once again, his weight resting on the wooden door. 

“You will be the death of me, love.” He mumbled, eyes peering down at me, the look in them suggesting for me to continue. And I did so, yanking his trousers down to his thighs, exposing his navy-blue briefs. I could see his length hardening, the shape of it neatly defined by the dark colour of his underwear. Whenever I was able to see Brian in his most vulnerable state, it turned my stomach in the best way ever, and reminded me that I was the luckiest girl on the planet. 

I smiled to myself, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the trail of hair that was visible underneath Brian’s shirt. He let out a sigh of relief that seemed to sound louder than the music playing at the other side of the door as I pulled his briefs down to meet his trousers, his half hard cock finally being released from its confinements. He was still huge, despite not being fully firm yet. My own arousal pooled up, remembering how good he always felt inside me. But, for now, I could only satisfy him with my mouth. And that was almost as good. 

I placed my hand around his base, slowly working the length to attention, my eyes wandering over his features. His jaw hung slightly slack, his neck was already blotching up in red and his hand was gentle in my hair. I teased his tip, trailing my tongue around it and tasting the salty pre-cum. I took pride in teasing him; he became wanton with lust, desperate for me to take him all in my mouth. 

“Please, Maria…” He whined, seemingly adjusting to my sudden acts of dominance. I must say, I had never imagined myself taking control of any situation that involved the opposite sex, but I guess when you begin to be sexually active, you can’t help but to delve into something a little more scandalous and out of your comfort zone. 

I would have teased him further, made him beg a little more, had we not been in the kitchen and on the other side of a very thin wall to our dear friends. So, I gave into him. I’ll come back to my relentless teasing another time. 

Brian’s hand tightened into a fist around my hair when I sank my head down, taking as much of him into my mouth as I possibly could. His skin was warm on my tongue, and I could feel each and every vein protruding out at me, as if they were telling me how hard they were. The throbbing that was once tame, had heightened once I began hollowing my cheeks, creating suction and contracting the back of my throat. He taught me well. 

I let out a strangled whimper as I tried to take him deeper, but I just couldn’t go any further. My hand enjoyed what my mouth couldn’t, and I gave my upper-most attention to every bit of him. My eyes started watering, droplets of tears falling from the corners. 

I looked up at him as I continued to taste him, and he looked bloody marvellous. Head slung back against the door, jaw tightly clenched, his chest heaving, loose curls of his hair sticking to his skin. I occasionally trailed my lips down the side of his length, thumb glazing over his tip, but I always came back to it. He was now rock hard, and clearly approaching his orgasm. I wanted nothing more than to taste the pleasure I had bestowed upon my boyfriend. 

I pulled my mouth away, my hand wanking him off at a rapid pace. I, myself, was beginning to heat up from the constant movement, but I was determined to finish him off like this. “Bri…” I called, kissing his thigh. He finally looked down at me, face completely dishevelled. 

“Fuck…” He grunted, trying his best to compose himself in the moment. “God, you’re so beautiful.” He exhaled, fingers raking through my dark brown hair. Filthy moans fell from his talented lips. “Move back a little, baby.” He managed to instruct, and I followed, shifting back. He replaced my hand with his, regaining his dominance as he moved his hand along his cock at a faster pace than I had done, the muscles in his arm visibly tensing up as he chased his own high, eyes piercing into mine. 

I dipped my tongue over his tip whenever he got closer, and this seemed to be enough for him – too much for him to handle. 

“Shit—fuck!” Brian practically yelled in a gravel-filled voice, his free hand pulling my hair backwards as hot spurts of his cum shot before me, some splattering on my clothes and onto the floor, and the rest dripping from his tip and down the side of his shaft. He continued to pump himself slowly, helping himself ride out his orgasm. I leaned forwards and licked up the side of his cock, where his pleasure had seeped out. This was the first time I had properly tasted the result of his arousal, and let’s just say it wasn’t the last time either. I loved the idea of claiming it as something I caused, but the fact that it was Brian’s… Made it worthwhile for me. 

I moved back, suddenly feeling the effects of being on my knees too long and I hissed as I started to rise back onto my feet. I sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen, bringing my leg up and rubbing my hand over my knee as an attempt to soothe the pain that was coming on. 

“Are you okay?” Brian’s voice was now back to gentle, and he had tucked himself away, now as gorgeous and presentable as ever. Yet, here I was in pain and probably so fucking dishevelled and un-glamorous. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I chuckled, nodding my head and standing up in front of Brian. “You should probably clean the mess up off the floor.” I smirked, now finding the entire situation rather humorous. Brian seemed to as well, his cheeks flushing pink and his mouth curving into that familiar grin. 

“Yeah, I will. I’ll do it in a minute.” He pulled me into a tight embrace, resting his chin on my head. 

It was then when the music from the room next to us sunk back in, and reality found its way into my mind. And something, somewhere in my head, snapped. And I found myself holding back tears – something I was regretfully used to, but had no control over. I sniffled, trying to keep it subtle, but Brian was way too smart to look past something like that. 

“Ria…” He called me by that nickname that I only loved coming from his mouth, setting a warm fire in my heart. “Please don’t cry, my love.” He slowly rocked me back and forth. 

“I-I’m trying, Bri… I really am.” I answered honestly. I looked up at him, his hands coming to cup my face in them. “I don’t want to go tomorrow…” I let out finally, the tears pouring out of me. Brian’s eyebrows furrowed and he pressed his lips into my forehead. 

“Darling, it’s only for two weeks. I’ll be here when you get back. We all will. I’m only a phone call away. It doesn’t matter how far away or how long you’re away for, I’ll always wait for you and I will always be here.” He looked me right in the eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Maria.”

And I don’t know what caused me to say this so freely, but I believe it was my heart and my mind finally aligning for the first time ever. 

“I love you.” I choked out, my eyes never leaving his. “…I love you, so much, Brian.” I took a deep breath, my own words shocking me. But it could only be received one way. 

“And I love you.” Brian said sternly, not long after looking taken back himself. “Always will.” He pressed a soft kiss to my lips, one that I could now confidently say was saturated with love and nothing but. “Now…” He started, his grip on my face loosening. “I’ll get that mess cleaned up, you go back in there and try not to let anyone get any information out of you.” He chuckled. 

I smiled, my tears drying up, though my emotions were still rich. 

When I opened the kitchen door and made my way back out into the living room, I was met by a slurring Emma draping her arms around me. 

“Next time, go upstairs if you’re going to suck Brian off!” She shouted at me, pressing a kiss on my nose and staggering back towards her own boyfriend in that very small, yet lovable crowd of people. 

The people who would be waiting for me, just like Brian promised.


	25. i was a teenager, once

I'm gonna die.

It's settled: this is my last day on Earth.

It was like my soul was ripped out of me as the train starting moving. Or when the doors shut. Or when the doors opened for me to get on. Fuck it, as this entire thing came into play.

I would have liked it if Brian accompanied me to Kings Cross, but he was busy with the boys, otherwise I am sure he would've. His career and his schedule couldn't be interrupted by me stropping about going home. I was really excited for Queen, knowing that they would be recording a whole album soon and their chances were quickly coming. People would finally be able to see them for who they were: beautiful, talented young lads with a passion to paint the world with their music.

The world passed by around me, progressively getting quicker to a point where there was no turning back. London would soon be miles and miles away from me and as a result, so would Brian. I was never one for long distance.

That morning, I'd gotten up earlier than needed so I could say a proper goodbye to everybody. Being drunk the night before meant I couldn't do that. Even Roger said goodbye, as we exchanged a hug. A real hug. I think, in a way, we enjoyed pissing each other off. Don't get me wrong, I fully hated him for what he did to my best friend, but I had to keep what Brian and Freddie said in mind: it's just Roger. Roger Taylor loved women and he loved sex. But he loved Emma. And Emma loved him. How could I interfere with that? I knew I would miss the little jabs we'd make at each other; it was familiar and it always made me laugh eventually, even if the initial insult punched a hole in my heart.

John gave me some wise words of wisdom, as he always did, telling me to try and understand my parents' point of view, should I need to do that. John was a quiet one, and I know I haven't mentioned him much. But John was just a force of serenity. Of course, those who knew him better than I did knew he was wild deep down, and it would be a privilege to get to know that side of John Deacon. I just hadn't had enough time with him to see that. Though, I wanted to. John's hair was always soft against my face when he hugged me, and it gave him cuddly qualities that I just adored.

From the average outsider, Freddie could have been my significant other with the way we acted together. Freddie adored me, and it was a mutual feeling. That man was unlike any person I had ever come across. Intimidating at first, but I'm sure you all know that Freddie was special and probably the nicest guy ever. If you don't have a special love for Freddie Mercury, you're insane. He clung to me like a koala whilst he told me to stay safe and give anyone a good kick-in if they gave me shit, or he would do it himself. His final words to me were 'stay fabulous', in true Freddie form.

Let's not even begin with how I was when saying goodbye to Brian and Emma. Yes, there was tension with Emma and yes, things weren't brilliant. But she was the person who allowed me to settle into the university surroundings. She was there for me when I was panicking, in tears and red in the face. She was there for me when I woke up in the middle of the night, needing to vent or when I felt like returning to my old ways of self-harm. She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. We were practically sisters. And this was the first time in a long time that I would be going back to Yorkshire without her. I was nervous to be separated from her, but I kept it together when it came to say goodbye to her. Saying goodbye to Brian, however, was a whole different story. He had witnessed every ounce of paranoia surrounding Christmas and he did whatever he could to make sure I wasn't stressing too much. Sometimes he may have been a bit overly attentive, but at the end of the day, he was my entire world and my entire world had been evolved around him. I just couldn't hold the tears in when I wrapped my arms around that poodle-man. He held me so close to him that we could have merged as one and disappeared into a fantasy land. But his soothing hushing and his silk-toned voice reminded me that I was still here and this was actually happening. He stayed with me for as long as he could before the boys had to leave, but the time I had with him was worth it.

So, there I was, on my own. My bag of stuff was sat next to me, the only companion I had. I was prepared for my 4-hour train journey, bringing my favourite book 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' with me. It may have been a depressing and dark book to read, being in the mood I was, but if anything, it reminded me that my life really could have been worse.

The closer I got to Leeds train station, the more nauseous I felt myself become and the more familiar the surroundings became. I had a more than interesting conversation with my mum before I set off for Kings Cross and it left me in a fit of rage. What was it, you ask? I'll tell you.

'We can't afford to fund your travelling, Maria, you'll have to pay for your train ticket yourself.'

My stomach clenched in anger just repeating those words in my head. Over and over again.

'You'll have to catch a bus from the station back home. Your father and I will be out.'

Once again, anxiety flooded my veins, and I had to remind myself of what was waiting back down South for me to return. My parents knew I had a crippling social anxiety when it came to travelling on my own. I had to practice travelling to London about four times before I actually started university. Why they didn't have the decency to meet me when I hadn't been home for a while is beyond me.

It didn't make me feel any better when Brian gave me the money for the train tickets, despite my attempts to convince him I could find the money myself. I hated taking money off Brian; he had his own life to fund without getting into any sort of debt. I sometimes felt I was just in the way of him and his success.

I took a deep breath in my seat and let my eyes shut, hoping the journey would seem shorter, and my anxiety would become less obvious.

I managed to find the correct bus at Leeds Station, thankfully. I was awkwardly stood at the front of the bus with my bag, holding onto the metal pole for dear life as the driver drove close to recklessly along the roads that were less man-made and more rural. It wasn't long before we left Leeds City centre and headed into the more discreet, outskirts.

As I watched people go by in cars, bikes and on foot, I couldn't help but sink back into the mindset of 16-year-old Maria: a scared and shy teenager, no experience and no clear ambition. I was coming back from school again, white collar rubbing against my neck in the hot sun, and my hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. I rested my head against the cold metal of the pole. Memories of the boys eyeing up the girls, throwing sweets and paper across the distance of the bus, and the girls sorting their hair out, fantasising over The Beatles and The Beach Boys all seemed as clear as they were at the time. I was always the girl who sat at the back of the bus, in the corner, reading a book about unidentified sea creatures, or the stylings of Buster Keaton – I was always a big fan of old movies. My friends and all had our own transistor radios, which we kept in our pockets, blasting a different station on each radio, creating a clustered noise at the back of the bus that got on everyone's nerves. But we never cared what anyone thought of us. I often resorted to stations that played a lot of rock music, any of that heavy stuff to unleash my inner demon. That was a joke. Kind of.

"Stop!" The bus driver's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, only to realise that it was time to get off. I thanked the driver and stepped off the bus, hurling my bag over my shoulder. Time to find my way back...

\---

"Mum!" I shouted as I shut the front door behind me. No answer. I shouted for my dad. No answer. My brother. No answer. The front door was locked when I arrived, and I had to go under the welcome mat to retrieve the spare key.

I dropped my bag in the hallway and dropped the key into the dish, making my way to the living room, where everything seemed to be more or less the same, impeccably clean and dead quiet. The Christmas tree sat calmly in the corner, minimal decorations so as to not make it look 'tacky'. Every other room gave the same vibe, apart from the washing machine blaring from the kitchen. I knew they would be out, but I thought they would be back before me.

With an exasperated sigh, I dragged my bag up the stairs and headed to my room. Well, what used to be my room.

I could have cried when I realised that my parents had completely transformed my old room, all my posters and photos taken down and put into boxes, thrown into the cupboard, my piano no longer along the back wall – I didn't know where that was. It was like a generic guest room. But, then again, that's what I was.

I would explain everything in regards to my house and how I felt, but it doesn't take a genius to understand that I wasn't very happy to be home, nor was I thrilled that my inclusion and past in that house had been discarded and left to the unknown. It would be a while before my parents came back to the house, so I ran myself a bath, sinking into the mildly hot water, bubbles rising up to my neck. I rested on my hand, my elbow on the side of the tub. I missed him too much. It had only been about 10 hours and I was already lonely and desperate for his touch and his attention.

I bit down on my lip, looking over at the phone on the side table. Yes, we had a side table in the bathroom, shut up. I blinked a few times, coming to terms with what time it was, wondering whether or not Brian would be busy. I knew he was recording that day, and he probably wouldn't be done until later into the night. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes. This was going to be a long two weeks.

My parents still weren't back, even at 7pm, and my brother was probably still out with his mates, doing whatever 15-year-olds did in their spare time. I managed to make myself some pasta, using the more luxurious brands we had in the house, without making a mess of the kitchen. The sad thing is that I didn't wash everything up and tidy everything up almost immediately after eating because I wanted to be helpful, or because I knew it was just the morally correct thing to do. I did it because I was genuinely afraid of my mum telling me off. 22 years of age, and still scared shitless of my own mother. Even so, I was sure she'd find something wrong with what I had done. Perhaps I was just supposed to starve until she said otherwise.

I was sat on my bed, rubbing lotion along my legs in one of Brian's button up shirts, back against the headboard, when the phone beside my bed rang. I jolted a bit at the sudden noise, but answered it quickly. I knew if it was a call for my parents, they would kill me if I missed it. But the warmth covered me in the best way possible when I heard the voice on the other side.

"Brian!" I shouted back, almost too loudly, and it caused him to laugh down the phone.

"Hi, love. I wanted to know how you were getting on, I've been awfully worried about you." The sincerity in his tone sent shivers up my spine, a smile taking over my face momentarily.

"Aw, aren't you sweet... I'm okay, I'm the only one in the house at the moment so I don't have to worry about impressing anyone. Yet." I laughed dryly, resuming my massage on my calf with one hand, whilst holding the phone with the other.

"Your parents aren't in?"

"No, but I'm not complaining." I could almost hear the concern racing through Brian's head. "Don't worry, Bri, they're at some party with some friends. I don't know where my brother is, though, but I'm just gonna assume he's with mates somewhere."

"If you're sure you're okay... Don't think I won't hop on the next train up there and drag you back."

"Please do that..." I let out a whine, pouting.

Brian chuckled. "I wish I could see you. I miss you a lot. I-I know it's stupid, or whatever, I know it's only been like twelve hours. But I do."

This made my heart swell, my eyes already stinging from the threat of tears. "Bri..." I sighed. "I miss you too, so much."

"Does your voice automatically get one-hundred-percent Northern when you're up there? Is it the air? Do I really need to come and save you?"

"I would not complain if you just broke in and yanked me back down South, I would thank you 'til the day I die."

"I knew you liked it when I get rough." He wasn't wrong, but I gasped audibly anyways.

"Brian Harold May, behave yourself." I muttered, smirking to myself.

"Maria Elizabeth Brennan, don't try and deny it." He joked with me for a few more minutes, our usual back and forth, and for a second I felt like I was back at the flat with Emma, and I felt more content with things. That just goes to show how much of an impact Brian had on me and my life. But when it came time for Brian to end the call, I put up a fight.

"No, Bri, please... Can't you talk a little longer?"

"Ria..." He sighed, pausing a moment. I held my breath, furrowing my eyebrows. "Okay, only for a little bit longer... Rog is trying to tune his snare, and he's having a tantrum about it. I don't think we'll be getting back to recording anytime soon."

"Yay." I smiled. "How's the recording going?" I couldn't believe I forgot to mention the recording, or ask about how it went. I felt like a terrible girlfriend at this point.

"It's going good, yeah. I've stacked a few more tracks on Doing Alright, so it sounds a bit thicker than it does when I do it live. So, I'd say it's all starting to come together pretty nicely. Freddie's working on some obscure number whenever we have breaks, we all seem to be constantly going. Ideas are just pouring out of us, love, I can't wait to show you some of the finished stuff when we're done."

I could have listened to Brian go on and on about music, stars, animals, just about anything if it meant he spoke like that forever. I know you all know this, but he truly does have the most beautiful speaking voice. He always had done.

"I'm excited to hear it all when it's done. And I promise you, I'll be the first person to buy it when it's released. I'll frame that shit, and keep it in a temperature-controlled room. I'm serious, Brian, nobody is ready for what you're all going to do to the industry. In the best way possible, of course."

"You sure are our biggest fan. Well, maybe Emma supersedes your enthusiasm, but that may just be Roger."

"I'm just a proud girlfriend, Bri. Very proud." I smiled. It was moments like these that I wished could have lasted forever, but they always seemed to end so quickly.

"And I'm a proud boyfriend. I'm so proud of you for getting there on your own, my love, I really am."

"So am I..." I wasn't one for self-validation. But something about Brian's validation allowed me to see just how strong I could be when I needed to.

There was some mumbling from the other side of the line, and I heard John shout Brian back over to them, and I frowned, preparing for the goodbye I didn't want to have.

"I guess you have to go now."

"Yeah... But I will ring you tomorrow, Maria, I promise." He pledged. "I love you."

Despite the sour moment, I couldn't help but just grin ear-to-ear at the freedom we now had of telling each other we love one another.

"I love you too, Brian. Don't stress yourself out too much." There was another shout from Brian's end, which made him sigh in annoyance.

"I'm fucking coming, hold on a second!" He shouted back away from the phone, before his voice returned. "I'll try not to. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye." And just like that, he was gone.


	26. over and over again

~over and over again~

I think my parents came home during the night. I didn't remember hearing them when they arrived, but they were there and up by seven in the morning making breakfast.

"There she is!" My mum squealed at me as I dragged myself through into the kitchen, wearing nothing but Brian's button-up and some pyjama shorts. My eyes were still heavy and, if given the chance, I could have drifted off back to sleep against the doorframe. But I had no chance to, as my mum's perky voice hit me like a bucket of ice water.

"Here I am," I groaned, lowering myself onto a chair in the kitchen, letting my head fall into my palms. I didn't mean for my response to sound so drained and off-putting, but seriously. Could you blame me?

"Being down South has really made you miserable, Maria, liven up a bit!" She beamed as she slid my breakfast onto the plate in front of me. I grimaced as I looked upon it. "Don't give me that look, Maria Brennan, you used to love this when you were younger." She shook her head and returned to the counter. My eyes fixated on the avocado slop that was spread over some granary bread.

No, I used to give it to the dog when you weren't looking.

"Oh, yes. How silly." I put on some faux happiness as I lifted the mushy mess to my lips, taking a bite out of it. It didn't take long for me to adjust to the food, as I spent years as a teenager training my mouth not to spit it back out. I looked ahead of me as my mum sat down at the opposite side of the table with a cup of tea in her hand.

"So, you managed to get some money for the train then?"

I raised my eyebrows, picking at the bread. "Kinda." I noticed the stern look on my mum's face and retraced. "Kind of. I borrowed some money off B- I borrowed money off somebody."

She seemed to have missed my stutter, much to my relief, as she sipped on the tea. "Oh? That's nice. Was it Emma?"

"No." I shook my head, nibbling on a bit of bread. "It was someone else. A friend." I looked down at my plate. Lord, just take me now.

"It wasn't this boy you had mentioned a while back, is it? Because you know what boys want at the end of the day, and I'm not going to sit here and watch my little girl get messed around with by a Londoner-."

"He's not from London." I said with a sigh. "And he just gave me money because he knew I was struggling. Because somebody didn't help me out in the first place like I thought they would." I jabbed, looking back up. My mum's eyes were wide, as if she was actually shocked that I spoke to her like that, despite the tame choice of words.

"You are twenty-two years old. You aren't a child anymore."

"Exactly. So why aren't I allowed to have a boyfriend because my mum said so?" It had been 10 minutes and we were already arguing. A new record, if I do say so myself.

"So he is your boyfriend, then?" She nodded slowly, attempting to regain her posture.

"Pretty much." I nodded. "Where's dad? I want to talk to him." I stood up from my seat.

"Sit down, he's not even here. He's working."

I clenched my jaw and sat back down, crossing my arms like an angry teen. "I honestly don't see what the point of me coming back up here was when all you're going to do is pick my life apart – a life I have managed to make since leaving here."

"Oh yes, Maria, a life that consists of living in a disgusting university flat, and running around with a boy who will not help you in any way, shape or form."

"You don't know anything about him, mum!" I shouted, shocking her immensely. "You don't know what he's done for me! I've made new friends that I will keep forever and Brian is not going to mess me around. Brian is not just some boy in London. If you met him, you'd love him. I love him. And you're just going to have to deal with that."

I sat back once again, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm my anger.

"Fine, I guess I can let this one go, I can let it slip!"

"Wow, thanks." I rolled my eyes, and for a second I thought I saw remorse in my mother's eyes. There was a strained silence between the two of us and it was moments like these where I wondered if our arguments were necessary. I did sometimes feel bad for snapping, or being so weakly motivated to see my family, but it goes two ways.

"Did you say his name was Brian?"

"Yeah."

"What does he do?"

My voice softened, at the idea of talking about Brian. "He does astrophysics at the uni. I met him whilst doing some work experience." I had to abbreviate it as much as I could. I was almost scared to tell my mum Brian was in a band...

"Oh? What on Earth would an astrophysics student need an event's management student for?"

I don't know why I expected my mum to have forgotten about the time I did actually tell her that Brian was in a band. Sad, but wishful thinking.

"Professor Ross needed someone to manage a band and-."

"For God's sake, Maria, a band? You're involved with someone who's in a band?" She shook her head, narrowing her eyes as she set her cup of tea on the table. "You know what those boys are like!"

"God, mum, he's not like that! He's one of the sweetest guys I have ever met and I swear I've felt safer with him in the past months I've been with him than the 12 hours I have been back up here!"

As if on cue, the front door slammed shut, a slight gust of cold air sweeping across my exposed legs under the table.

"You can hear the bloody shouting from up the driveway, what the hell is going on?" My dad emerged around the corner and stopped in the doorway, looking between the two of us with a stern focus.

"Our daughter is seeing a boy, who is in a band." My mum let him know, sitting back in her seat with an unpleasantly smug look on her face. I sighed and turned around to my dad, hoping he'd have a nicer reaction.

"That's sweet, why are we arguing?" His voice was sickly; higher in pitch and almost patronising. But it was better than being yelled at.

"Thank you, Dad." I sighed, looking back at my mum, who was not happy.

"If you come back pregnant in the summer, you are never going back, and we will sort that out. If you catch him sleeping with someone else, don't be surprised-."

"Linda!" My dad warned, shaking his head. "Let her do what she wants, she's having a bit of fun. You weren't any better when you were in university. It'll blow over." Before I had a chance to correct him about it blowing over, he disappeared into the hallway to hang up his coat.

This is so much fun already.

\--

I know this is a bit of a skip, but honestly, I'd send you all to sleep if I described my day to day for the first week of my stay up North. In short, it was fucking terrible.

Actual Christmas day couldn't have been more depressing. My family's house was scarcely decorated, nothing like it was down South at the flat. My parents got me endless books on my course, which could have been helpful had I not already had everything I needed. I had to keep reminding myself that my situation could have been so much worse. I did have times where I scolded myself mentally, and sometimes physically, for feeling so fed up. I had an amazing life, when you put two and two together; an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, and a very well-off family. But, that's the thing with developing depression... It doesn't pick and choose who and when.

On a lighter note, yet still fucked up, my brother finally showed up on Christmas Eve. Much to my dismay, and overwhelming anger, he had come from his girlfriend's house... His fucking girlfriend's house. Yes, you bet I popped the fuck off.

Anyway.

It was the final weekend, and only two days before I was to make my way back down to my true home. And I was attending a New Years' party with my family.

I took in my look in the mirror, slightly grimacing at the extra weight that I carried around my hips, legs, arms, face. I rarely wore dresses because of this, and it was weird seeing my figure constricted in one. It was a flutter sleeved botanical dress, flowy and floral. I had platted my hair after my shower, which were now pulled out and dried into waves and curls. I did my signature make up, the only thing I could hold onto. I did like the dress, don't get me wrong. I just felt very much uncomfortable in it. Who am I to deny a dress my own father gave me? I could already feel my feet burning in the five-inch heels on my feet, though they were cute and did make my legs look longer.

"You look like a massive flower." My brother commented from my doorway, followed by an arrogant little chuckle. I narrowed my eyes at him, clenching my jaw and he instantly knew to shut up.

"And you look like a little shit, but I'm not complaining." I looked back at the mirror, running my hands over my body once more, before making my way out the room. The music from downstairs was coming through our stereo system, the muffled chattering of our guests spread throughout the house. I looked down at my brother, who was laced up in a suit and bow tie. "You look like a penguin." I stifled a laugh. "If I have to wear this, you have to wear that." I commented after noticing his scowl, and uncomfortable shift.

My brother and I wandered down the hallway, trying to bide our time and take as long as we could before we had to socialise with our parents' friends.

"Do you know any of these people?" I asked him over the progressively increasing music.

"They've been t'house a few times, but no. Don't know their names or anything about them t'be honest." The strong Yorkshire accent that fell from my brother's lips comforted me, and I came to the realisation that all I had to do was stay around him for the rest of the night and I would be okay.

"Chris..." I called his name, stopping at the top of the stairs. He looked at me. "Please don't walk off and leave me. You know what I'm like with new people..." I had a quick flashback to the time I freaked out at The Britannia, before Brian and I became a thing. Chris tried to be cool, like every fifteen-year-old tries to do, but eventually he patted my arm, giving me a softer look than usual.

"You know I won't. I don't know anybody either!" He joked, looking up at me – although he didn't need to look up very far, he was a tall teenager. "Now." He started, fixing his hair back and straightening his suit. "Let's go and die, sis."

The night consisted of my mum introducing everyone to me, and me to everyone else. She took pride in having a daughter who attends university in her early 20s.

"And you do events management? How different." Shirley, some random woman, commented, lifting her prosecco up to her mouth, though she didn't drink it.

"Yeah... It's pretty different." I nodded, playing with my fingers, which were laced together in front of me. "I actually met my boyfriend through my course."

Shirley's eyes widened, her body leaning forward. "Boyfriend? It's all happening for your lot, isn't it, Linda?" She looked at my mum, who was trying her best to put on a smile for the guests.

"Well, we'll see if it happens, won't we, Maria?" She looked at me, as if to tell me that my relationship with Brian won't last long for the seventieth time.

"It will." I nodded. "He's a guitarist. I-I've been helping his band get gigs, and whatnot..." I trailed off, noticing the disinterest in Shirley's eyes. "Yeah, it's been good." I finished off, looking away and double checking that Chris was still on my tail. He was, and bopping on his feet to himself at the Elvis record that was playing loudly.

I felt like I was having the same conversation over and over again, telling my mum and dad's friends the same thing I told Shirley, and being met with the same disinterest or confusion I saw on her face.

Chris and I were in the kitchen, where the music was less prominent, but was still loud enough for him to continue dancing to. I looked at him from the side, filling up my glass with lemonade and a shot of vodka. "I must admit, Chris, your dancing has actually been the most calming thing of the night. Thank you for making me cackle with your... incredible dancing skills." I put a sarcastic emphasis on 'incredible', making him stick his tongue out at me.

"I don't have to worry about being asked what I'm doing. Another year in high school, and I'm off to work." He grinned, getting a J2O out the fridge.

"Yeah, I'm sure mum will let you just work instead of going to college." I said, slurring slightly on my S's.

"And I'm sure mum will appreciate you getting drunk at her New Year's party." Chris smirked, hoisting himself up onto the counter. He watched as I drank half of my glass in one. "Have you talked to your friends?"

I sighed, lifting myself up onto the island in the kitchen, so I was opposite Chris. "I talked to Emma last night. She's been with Roger since Thursday, so I can't imagine what state the flat is in. I tried to call Brian this morning, but Freddie picked up. I forgot to bring Brian's home number with me, so I don't know when I'll next get to talk to him." I frowned, swirling the liquid in my glass round before downing the rest of it. I drowned out everything around me, thoughts of my curly-haired lover swamping my mind. "I miss him, Chris. Like a lot."

"Well, you're going back on Monday. Won't you see him then?"

"Yeah... Only two more days." I chuckled, looking back up at him. "Before I left, John said something about a New Year's gig they're doing at The King's Head, even though it's not really on New Year's, it's on the 2nd January. AKA, Monday."

"Oooo you should surprise him!" Chris said, swigging his orange juice. "Does he know you're going back on Monday?" I shook my head.

"I wasn't sure when I'd be leaving here, so no."

"Perfect!" He hopped down from the counter. "Go to the gig and surprise him."

As I looked at my brother's excited face, I felt warm, like I was actually home. He was a reminder that not every one of my family members was unbearable. "I knew there was a reason I keep you in the loop." I reached over and gave a playful slap to his cheek.

"And because I'm your devoted brother." He feigned swooning, falling into me. We embraced for a few minutes, both connected by our unfortunate position with our parents. We had to be there for each other when we could. And it was times like these where I felt bad for leaving him. But he knew I'd always be here, physically or over the phone.

I had my chin rested on his head, my legs swinging off the island. "You still look like a bloody penguin."

"Fuck off."

"Who taught you to speak like that?" I scolded.

"Uh, you?"

"Touché, brother."


	27. questions

My train was late coming into King's Cross, and I knew the boys would have been getting ready to perform at The King's Head by that point. Luckily, I had convinced Emma to meet me off the train so I wouldn't have to find my way by myself.

I struggled through the cluster of people jamming up the space on the platform, searching for any recognisable sighting of Emma. I finally laid eyes on an ombre ponytail secured with a pink scrunchie, and I knew it was her. I pushed my way through the crowd, and put my hand on Emma's shoulder, her entire body jumping at the sudden contact.

"Oh my God, you scared me!" Emma shouted over the noise, putting her hand on her chest.

"You're so small, I couldn't see you from over there!" I shouted back, pulling her into a hug. Despite the slight tension between us lately, it was always nice to come back after a while and hug my best friend. Even though she did make me feel insignificant at times. "Why were you looking over there? The train track is here, you stupid bitch." I joked as I pulled away. She just rolled her eyes and helped me with my bags as we left the station.

We got outside, away from the noise and into the car park, when I headed in the direction of the bus stop, but Emma gripped my wrist, pulling me back towards the lines and lines of cars parked next to the station. I scrunched my eyebrows up, looking at her when she pulled out a car key.

"Since when did you have a care? I've been gone for 2 weeks." We stopped at a small red car, a bit tatty, but it did the job. Got you from A to B.

"It's not mine." She said, walking round to the driver's side and unlocking the door. She slid in, reaching over and opening the passenger side door. "I rented it." I hopped in, throwing my bag behind me into the back seats.

"Where on Earth did you get the money to rent a car?" I buckled myself in as Emma pulled out of the car park. "Last time I checked, both of us were pretty fucking skint."

"Roger gave me some money." She said without looking at me, eyes focused ahead of her on the road and other cars around us.

"Oh, did he now?" I smirked. "Some kind of sugar daddy stuff going on, Em?"

"No, he's just a good boyfriend. Brian gives you money." She said bluntly, which made me frown. We used to be able to joke about these things, but not anymore apparently. But, aside from that, I never even told Emma that Brian gave me money apart from that one time we were Christmas shopping.

I didn't look at her, I turned my head out the window. "Only when I need it..."

"And I don't?" She retorted, reaching over and putting the radio on. Guess we're just back to that now...

The rest of the drive was pretty quiet, the only form of conversation being either of us asking to change the radio station or turn the volume up and down. We soon parked up against a curb, a short walk away from The King's Head pub. I looked a mess, trying to fix my hair in the mirror.

"I'm sure he's seen you worse, come on!" Emma said almost too brightly, slipping out the car and slamming the door shut. I jumped at the loud sound of the slam, sitting in the silence before she yanked open my door. I stepped out, closing the door behind me and following an already marching Emma into the pub.

As soon as I got inside, I knew exactly what song the boys were playing. Not that I was complaining, I always liked Father to Son whenever they played it. It was a song Brian wrote; I knew that much. Come to think of it, I wasn't greatly versed in their music at that point. But then again, they were only boys and their first album hadn't even come out yet.

I followed Emma over to the bar, holding onto her hand behind her so we didn't lose each other in the crowds. As we stood, leaning against the smooth wood, I turned my head back towards the stage at the front. There was Freddie, prancing around, being his usual self, enchanting the audience with each movement. Adlibs and all, he truly gave a perfect performance each time.

"What're you having, sweetheart?" The barman's voice brought my attention back to the alcohol, taste buds swelling.

"Oh uh... Can I have a vodka lemonade please?" I gave him a small smile, almost immediately looking back at the front. My smile grew even wider when I saw that shaggy mane of brown hair framing that chiselled face that I knew so well. I bit down on my lip as I held in the tears; I was overwhelmed, seeing Brian again after so long. Well, two weeks, but that was a lifetime for me.

"I'm gonna go to the front, you coming??" Emma asked, coming up beside me.

"I'll come in a minute, I'll just get my drink and I'll join you." I smiled, watching her disappear through the crowd.

I didn't exactly stick to my word, as I ended up stood at the bar for the rest of the show, not wanting Brian to see me just yet. Perhaps it would have put him off if he just saw me at the front out of nowhere. And he was definitely in his element. I'd be a terrible girlfriend to break him out of it.

"Good, aren't they?"

I didn't realise I hadn't blinked for a while until the girl stood next to me spoke. I looked at her, processing her words and nodding. "Very good." I trailed off, letting my eyes wander back over to the boys. I found myself staring, yet again, dead at Brian as he played, his skilled fingers plucking and playing at his Red Special like it was nobody's business. I bit down on my lip as I successfully contained the excitement of seeing him again.

"You got a bit of the hots for someone?" The girl asked, leaning her arm on the bar and looking at the boys, trying to follow my line of sight. "Ahh... The guitarist." She looked back at me, sipping her drink. "You got your eye on the guitarist?"

I glanced at her, surprised she wasn't as hostile as I'd heard the boys talking about some of the girls that came to their shows. "You could say that..." I kept our relationship to myself, taking pride in having something for myself for once.

"Hm..." The girl contemplated, shifting her eyes back to Brian. "Not my type." She said simply as she turned her attention to the bar again. "None of them are, really." She leaned over me, her body closer to mine and her presence entering my space. She dropped some tips on the barman's surface before looking me dead in the eye.

"I prefer their admirers." She murmured at me, looking down at my lips, then at my body as she pulled away. Before I could get a chance to even contemplate questioning her, she grabbed her purse and walked away, her mousy brown hair swaying down her back.

Okay, Maria, what was that and why are you still looking at her?

I quickly downed the rest of my drink and made my way backstage, noticing that the boys had finished their set and were probably on their way out the back. I shook off the encounter with the girl and forced myself through the crowds of girls wanting to meet the band after the show.

The back hallway of The King's Head was always slightly musty, that when I finally got out the back door, the fresh air was like a hug, and it was a refreshing moment. I took a deep breath, running my hands down my attire, which wasn't very glamorous at all, and looked around for the boys.

It was when I heard Freddie's boisterous laugh that I knew where they were. Luckily, Brian had his back to me, as did Roger, who had Emma wrapped up in his arms. As I approached the group, stood by the wall with a can in their hands, John and Freddie noticed me. I brought my hand up to my mouth, placing my index finger over my lips. I shook my head, focused on making minimal noise as I came up behind Brian.

I chewed on my lip in anticipation, snaking my arms around Brian's waist from behind, to which he immediately jumped, his sensations heightened after the gig. He spun around, eyes bulging out his head when he saw me looking up at him.

"What?!" He exclaimed in the form of a gasp, using one arm to drag me into a tight embrace. He attempted to wrap his other arm around me in excitement, the rest of us giggling, but the beer in his hand just splashed all around us. John reached over and took the beer from Brian's hand, allowing him to fully envelope me into his form.

I squealed into his chest, as we both stumbled backwards, accidentally distancing ourselves from the rest of the group. We weren't sure where we were stumbling to, but I don't think we cared. We were just caught up in the moment of seeing each other. I wasn't prepared for this reaction, but I loved it!

My face heated up as Brian left small kisses over every bit of my face, before bringing his head further down and capturing my lips with his. I brought my hands up, pulling him into me, his body pressing firm against mine. I felt his jawline with my fingers, before snaking them round the back of his neck. We seemed to lose ourselves in our kiss, a kiss that became so heated and passionate – too heated and passionate for public affection.

When we finally separated, I had tears in my eyes, almost not believing I was in this amazing man's arms again. "I missed you so much." I whispered against his lips, holding his face in my hands. He gave a toothy grin, bending down and hooking his arms around my thighs, hoisting me up so it was easier for him to reach me. I clung onto him, a bit shocked that he was able to pick me up so easily.

"I missed you more, my love, why didn't you tell me you were coming home today?"

"I wanted to surprise you..." I answered shyly, an unstoppable grin appearing on my own face. Brian practically dropped me back down onto the ground, enveloping me in his embrace once again.

"Well, it's certainly a nice surprise." He pressed a sweet kiss to my cheek, taking my hand in his and turning his attention back to the others. We walked back over, having seemingly forgotten that we weren't alone.

"Maria, darling, welcome home!" Freddie greeted, opening his arms wide, which I of course accepted. "I told you; you would be fine, look at you! You're alive!"

"Nice, Freddie." John shook his head, handing Brian his beer back. "It wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, was it?" He asked me, eyes laced with slight concern. It always warmed my heart to know they all cared so much.

"Eh..." I responded, shrugging my shoulder as Brian draped his arm around me. "It's whatever."

"You didn't have to do another one of those parties did you?" Emma asked me, tilting her head.

"Unfortunately. You know my mum, Emma, come on."

"Yeah, that's why I asked." She rolled her eyes, resting her head back into Roger's chest. Her attitude seemed to have everyone by surprise, and I couldn't have felt more stupid in the moment. Brian squeezed my shoulder, sensing my sudden rise in anxiety. Roger cleared his throat.

"You can stop worrying about it now, 's'over with, yeah?" I could tell this was Roger's attempt at being nice, and... Not hostile... But he was really shit at it.

"Yup." I casually answered, taking a sip of Brian's beer. "Anyway, the show was really good! You guys went for it tonight." I looked at them, their forms slicked with sweat. It was the first time I got a good look at them since I arrived, having gotten over the initial rush.

"Oh, so you've been here for a while then!" Brian said, almost offended.

"I didn't want to distract you..." I pouted up at him, a slight whine in my voice. "You were playing so well." I lowered my voice, the compliment being sultrier than intended. Brian's head dropped, but his eyes stayed fixed on mine, as though he was scolding me.

I was home...

I smirked a little, feeling bold in the moment, but it was cut short.

"If you two can stop shagging each other with your eyes, we need to figure out a way to fit all of us in the car!" Freddie announced. "Then again, I don't assume Maria will have a problem sitting on you in the back, Bri?"

"Bri." I nudged him, as he seemed to be stuck on me. He hummed, but managed to process Freddie's question without seeming like an idiot.

"Of course, that's not a problem." He smiled at everyone and we were soon making our way to Emma's car, that London night air filling my lungs with every breath.

Sounds dangerous. But I wouldn't have had it any other way.


	28. fashion is a statement

“Got an eyeful, have you?” Emma snapped at the older-looking man who cat-called her. We were aware Soho could have been a bit dodgy, but nowhere near what it actually was. 

“Not an eyeful, sweetheart, but I’m sure you’d sound much better with a mouthful.” He retorted; the alcohol fresh from where we were walking. 

“Yeah, I’ll bite your fucking dick off, mate!” Emma started to move forward to get at him, but I grabbed her arms and successfully pulled her back in the direction of which we were heading. St Anne’s Court was just around the corner and I didn’t feel like getting arrested or being witness to a death. Because let’s be honest: Emma would have killed the fucker. 

“Go home, mate, before you get yourself into trouble.” I scolded the stranger, to which he waved his hand in dismissal and drunkenly stumbled away. 

Emma shrugged me off her, huffing to herself and straightening out her attire. “You are so lucky you don’t get cat-called.” She began walking again. I raised my eyebrows, slightly hurt by her assumption, but she wasn’t wrong. I quickly caught up with her, turning the corner and heading in the direction of Trident Studios. 

“Like you don’t like being cat-called, Emma. You love it, bitch.” I rolled my eyes, checking the road and pattering across; whenever Emma was a bit pissed off, she would walk about ten times faster than she usually would, so it was a job to keep up with her. 

This was the first time we were going to see Queen in action in the studio, watching them play their hearts out. I had to make sure my appearance was as perfect as it could be, as well as my behaviour. Of course, nobody had told me I needed to do that, I just thought it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to show Brian up. And as soon as I noticed we were but a couple of feet away from the main entrance of Trident Studios, my heart dropped into my stomach. I couldn’t get over the fact that Queen were in there, in a real professional studio, recording what would be a huge break for them. 

“Emma, Emma, Emma!” I babbled, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. “Um…” I stuttered for a bit, feeling my throat close up. Calm down, Maria. “D-do I look okay?” I asked quietly, patting myself down. Emma scanned my body briefly, looking over my outfit. I’d decided to wear my nicer flared jeans, the ones that were darker and had nicer stitching around the waist. The fitting was a little off, being tighter around my thighs, but when I looked in the mirror a minute or two back at the flat, I realised that it was actually very flattering around my hips and my backside. Brian did always like the extra weight I carried on my person. I spent hours going through shirts I had in my drawers, even though I didn’t have that many to look through in the first place. I settled on a pastel blue, off the shoulder shirt with three-quarter length sleeves. They didn’t cover up all of my scars on my arms, but I was trying to be less insecure about myself. The tips of my scars were only just showing, barely noticeable to anyone unless I was to actually mention them. But of course, it was just playing on my mind non-stop so to me, anyone could see those marks from space. It was still pretty damn chilly, with it only being January, so I had to cover myself up in a coat. The last thing that emphasised my look was my slightly platformed boots and my subtle use of mascara. When Emma and I left the flat, I was pretty confident with my look, but walking must have made my mind wander, and I soon found myself becoming increasingly insecure. 

“Yeah, you look great. Only…” Emma reached out, slipping her hands into my coat and to my shoulders, pulling my sleeves down, exposing more of my skin. “Need to look perfect, right?” I furrowed my eyebrows, pushing her hands away a bit. She must have noticed my offended expression, because she shook her head wildly. “No, I didn’t mean it like that! You just… You might as well go all out, you know?” She shrugged her shoulders, turning to walk again. “And tuck your shirt in. Fashion is a statement.” She said with a smirk over her shoulder. 

So much for looking great… 

I hurriedly tucked my shirt into my jeans, following Emma up the stairs and through the large glass doors. We found ourselves in a rather spacious reception area, although it was obvious the studio was still under some renovation work. They clearly came into some great money recently, despite having been in business for at least 7 years at the time, and it was nice to see that Norman Sheffield was moving upwards in the business side of the music industry, and not just the performance part. I felt, for once, that I had one up on Emma as we stood in that reception; we were both in the same events management class at uni, but I paid much more attention than she did. I actually knew the pictures hung on the walls were headshots of Trident’s clientele – the producers and managers that had worked with some of the biggest names in the London music culture. Emma didn’t pay much attention to her surroundings, and I assumed she just wanted to jump into Roger’s arms and forget about reality, again, for a few hours. 

The woman behind the desk looked up at us in confusion, judging our appearance for a second before finally opening her glossy lips. “Can I help you?” Her voice was that typical Queen’s English that Americans use to imitate us most of the time. That kind of voice was always a pet peeve of mine, even though it wasn’t really your fault if you spoke like that. I guess it was just my head. I grimaced a little, but managed to hide it through a smile. 

“Uh…” I looked at Emma, hoping she would speak; she knew about my anxieties. And, thankfully, she took the hint. 

“We’re here to see Queen.” She beamed, leaning forward on the desk.

“Who?” The receptionist asked with a disapproved look on her face. 

“What do you mean who? Queen! They’re in there recording an album, love, do you do your job properly or what?” Emma leaned back, scrunching her eyebrows up at the woman, who looked concerned over Emma’s attitude. 

“I don’t take well to that kind of language, Ma’am. And I won’t let you passed until you and your friend show me your ID so I can check whether or not you are permitted to be on the premises.”   
“We don’t have ID! We were told to just come over for 11 o’clock, so here we are.” Emma retorted. I stood, awkwardly fiddling with my fingers as I waited for the confrontation to die down. 

“Well, I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to let you in.” The receptionist smiled, slightly sourly and lowered her head back down to her book. 

“Listen, love, I’m not one to argue.” Emma started, pointing her finger. I heard her rambling on from my right, but I drifted off, looking down the corridor. Brian would have been so disappointed if we didn’t show up. So would the others. Just as I thought the best option was to give up, I caught the men’s bathroom door open and none other than our Lord and Saviour John Deacon exited. I reached out and grabbed Emma’s arm, signalling for her to shut up. 

“John Richard Deacon, you angel!” I shouted, grabbing his attention. He turned around, eyes widening as well as a widening smile. I looked at the receptionist, automatically gaining confidence. “See, we know him! He plays bass with Queen, he’s in Queen.” I reasoned, pointing at John, who was now approaching us. The receptionist looked round at him, her eyes bulging out her head. 

“Oh! You’re with that rather attractive blonde-.”

“Yes, he is. Can you let us in now?” Emma interrupted, putting her hand on her hip. “Sweetheart?” She tilted her head. The receptionist looked down, nodding. 

“Thanks.” Emma grinned, following me through. 

I looked at John and squealed, scooping him up into a hug. “We wouldn’t have gotten in if it wasn’t for you! Thank God for your bladder.” I squeezed him, rocking him side to side. He laughed, hugging me back. 

“You’re welcome, I guess? We’re through here.” He showed us to the studio they were booked in. Studio D. 

The smell of cigarettes hit my nose as soon as we entered the studio, clearly from Roger and his chain-smoking addiction. It was instantly about ten degrees warmer, and that wasn’t because of Brian. Terrible joke, I’m sorry. 

John lead us over to the control desk, where a woman with long brown hair was situated on the sofa. The sound engineer sat at the mixing desk, mulling over the channels, labelling each one carefully as to not ruin the mix. It was surreal seeing professional music equipment in use, and not being a photo in a text book. John kind of left us hanging for a bit, quickly introducing the producers as “John number 2” and Roy. He seemed rushed off his feet, rushing over to a stack of amplifiers in the corner to tune his bass. Getting my bearings, I looked through the glass window in front of the mixing desk, and I saw Roger, Freddie and Brian fiddling around with bits of equipment and familiarising themselves with what they’d worked so hard to see in person. Freddie caught my eye in the glass and shot me a toothy grin. I waved shyly at him, not wanting to seem too excited to be there. But, how could you not be excited??? The three of them soon made their way into the control room and I made an instant beeline towards Brian. The smile on his face was almost too much to handle when he saw me, scooping me up in his arms and pressing a kiss to my cheek. 

“Hello, love. Did you get here safe? Did you find the place alright?” He pulled back to look down at me with soft eyes. I continued to smile, the action becoming automatic and subconscious. 

“Yeah, it was fine. I didn’t think Soho would be so um… Weird. But I guess it is.” I half-joked, taking Brian’s hands in mine. Roger and Emma were already preoccupied with each other, and Freddie was ogling over the mixing desk, asking question after question. 

“But you got here safe, didn’t you?” His soft expression turned into one of concern and he squeezed my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine. My heart fluttered at the subtle act of affection. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, Bri.” I laughed, pushing myself up to meet his lips in a gentle kiss, once again feeling the soft flesh of his lips against my own. “You’re so protective sometimes.” I spoke quietly against his lips. A small blush crept up onto his cheeks and he smiled shyly. 

“Because I care about you and I need to know that you’re safe at all times, my love.” He answered, pecking my nose. 

“Oi! Lovebirds!” 

I whipped my head round to see a playfully irritated Freddie with his arms open. “Maria, darling, must you leave me hanging?” I rolled my eyes with a smirk, detaching myself from Brian and moving into Freddie’s arms, resting my head on his shoulder. “If that silly receptionist gives you and Emma any more trouble, I’ll see to it she has her months pay.” I widened my eyes at his blunt words. 

“You don’t have to do that, Freddie. She was just being careful.” I chuckled as I pulled away. “But it would have been helpful to know that we were supposed to bring some form of ID.” I said, eyeing Brian. He looked down and mouthed ‘sorry’ at me. 

Roy rose from his seat at the desk, offering Emma and I a drink, to which I just stuck to plain old tap water. In the process, Roy took my coat to hang it up and eyes were instantly on me. It took me a while to notice, but everybody was marvelling over my attire. I became increasingly uncomfortable, folding my arms and looking over at Brian as he relaxed on the sofa, one arm draped over the back of it. 

“Darling, if you and your boyfriend don’t mind me saying so, you look utterly fabulous!” Freddie beamed, grabbing my hands and twirling me around. I couldn’t help the growing smile on my face at the thought of everyone staring at me in a good way and not a bad one. “What a gorgeous creature you are, Maria Brennan!” He stopped spinning us around to look over me again.   
“I think we all know where I got my style tips from, Mr Mercury.” I winked playfully, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek before letting his hands go and striding over to Brian with more confidence than before. I noticed there was a lack of space for me to sit down, with the nameless woman relaxed back on it, pretty much asleep, and John sat between her and Brian. 

I decided Brian’s lap was way more inviting anyway. 

I smiled at my boyfriend and lowered myself onto his lap, the arm that wasn’t draped over the back of the sofa draping over my waist. He bravely let the tips of his fingers graze over the swell of my hips and my backside. It felt so normal to me, being casually touched like that. And I loved how familiar it was becoming to me. I did, however, look down at Brian as everyone busied themselves in their own conversation, to ask him a very brave question. 

“I’m not too heavy, am I?” I asked him with a vulnerable edge to my tone. His eyebrows furrowed and his expression softened. He shook his head, squeezing my hip. 

“Not at all, sweetheart. You’re perfect.” He peppered kisses over my exposed shoulder. “You look beautiful. As always.” My body melted into his touch and his words, wrapping my arms around him to squeeze him into a hug. 

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” I mumbled into his hair, earning a soft chuckle. “But you always look nice without even trying.” I said with faux annoyance, leaning back in his arms and looking down at him. 

“You’ve seen me when I get up in the morning, I’m not glamorous.”

“Maybe not glamorous, but you’re still gorgeous.” I wrapped one of his curls round my finger, pulling a little bit. I lowered my head, catching him in a kiss, which I deepened almost immediately. The affection didn’t last long though, as Roy returned with my water. This should be a fun day… 

After the boys left the control room to gather in the live room, Emma and I were left with the mysterious girl with the long brown hair. I was sat right beside her, and the awkwardness filled the room ever so slightly, despite the racket coming from Freddie and Roger already bickering about microphone placements. However, I didn’t need to speak up, and neither did Emma. The girl turned to us with a shy smile, warming her features. She was so beautiful, and as I can recall, that was my first thought as I looked at her. 

“I’m so sorry, I haven’t introduced myself yet, I feel horrible.” She breathed out, putting her hand on her chest. 

I shook my head immediately. “No, we’re just as responsible for that! Don’t worry. We haven’t had a chance to talk. I’m Maria.” I returned the warm smile, holding out my hand to the girl, which she took and shook gently. “And this is Emma.” I gestured to her, but she was more interested in watching Roger bang away on his drums. They had disappeared briefly when we arrived for about 10 minutes, so I just mentally put the pieces together and easily figured out what they were doing with one another. I looked back at the woman, shaking my head. “She’s not very alert.” I laughed. 

The girl giggled, leaning forward as she did so, her hair waving in front of her face. She was so elegant and graceful in her movement. Nothing like any of the other girls I had seen hang around the band scene. “I’m Veronica. You can call me Ronnie for short if you want to, but either one is fine.” A classy name, too. 

“Who are you here with, then?” I asked, racking my brain for contenders. Freddie was with Mary. Roger… Was supposed to be with Emma and was with Emma but it would be pretty bold of him to bring one of his side pieces with him. Brian was with me. I widened my eyes and reached out to grab her wrist. “Are you with John??” I whisper-shouted at her. Her cheeks flushed red and she nodded. 

“Not officially. Yet. But we’re getting there.” She eyed him through the glass window, as he bobbed away on his bass guitar, feeling the music with every movement of his fingers. 

“Aww…” I crooned, sticking out my bottom lip. “That’s so cute. Well, you seem really nice. So, I really hope it works out for you in the end! Does this mean we’ll see you around more often? So far it’s just been us.” I gestured to Emma once again with a small chuckle. 

“This is the first time I’ve properly met all the others at the same time, so I hope I’ll be around more often. Probably not too much; I have a small job working as a school teacher. But whenever I’m not working, I will try and see John in action as much as possible.” 

Her voice was so unique to me; it had some kind of exotic twist that melted so smoothly in with a gentle British accent. I nodded whilst she talked, the boys in the background going apeshit with a Son and Daughter instrumental. “I hope we see more of you.” 

Veronica indulged in conversation with me and Emma for a good two hours, talking about how she met John and about clothes, though I kind of stayed out of that one. She really grew on me, and I just hoped that I came off as likable to her. But nice things couldn’t last forever. The conversation started to turn slightly awkward and slightly sour, pretty quickly.

“Yeah, I know Freddie well. He was the one who encouraged John to bring me. I don’t really know Brian and Roger all too much. They seem nice enough.” 

“Oh, they’re nice enough. Well, Brian is.” I teased, making it obvious that I was bluffing. But only I knew that I wasn’t 100% joking. 

“Is that to mean that Roger is not so nice?” Veronica bounced back off me, smirking. 

“Maybe…” I stretched out the word, Emma rolling her eyes at my jokes. 

“I wouldn’t be surprised, to be honest.” Veronica shrugged, eyes wandering to the mixing desk. 

“What?” Emma asked, leaning forward to look at her properly. 

“Well…” Ronnie started, turning a bit and leaning across so we were all a little bit closer. Her eyes shifted around the room to check for no eavesdroppers. “I was talking to John the other day, and he was telling me about some things he was concerned about. I don’t know much about Roger, but from what I’ve heard, he’s a bit of a man-whore.” 

I laughed, placing my hand on her arm. “We all knew that, though. Roger does like a good shag, doesn’t he Em—” 

“No, I mean…” She sighed. “He shags and dumps girls all the time. Apparently, he slept with this girl called Daisy about a month or so ago, and he hasn’t talked to her since.” 

My breath caught in my throat. I wouldn’t dare breath out or look round at Emma’s expression. For once, I hoped she wasn’t paying attention. Ronnie noticed my stiff and anxiety-ridden expression and instantly scrunched up her eyebrows, herself becoming confused. 

“What?” She asked quietly, looking between me and Emma. 

“Um… I forgot to mention.” I cleared my throat. “Emma has been with Roger for months now…” 

Veronica gasped, leaning back and covering her mouth with her hands. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Emma, I didn’t realise—” 

“No.” Emma interrupted her. “It’s okay. You didn’t realise… It’s better that I know.” She spoke through gritted teeth and a clenched jaw, her voice monotonous as ever. I finally turned my head to look at her with an apologetic look. “You knew?” She whispered. 

My throat dried up and I felt tears pricking in my eyes. Licking my lips, I opened my mouth to answer her when the door to the mixing room swing open with an eruption of laughs from the boys. Roger walked over to Emma with a grin on his face, and his arms open. 

“Hi, baby!” He leaned down and pressed a massive kiss to her lips, but pulled back once he realised, she was not reciprocating the affection. I watched as the others entered the control room, them also noticing the weird moment between Emma and Roger. I literally wanted to die. Roger, furrowed his eyebrows, standing back up and putting his hands on his hips. He looked down at Emma, but there was no way she was going to let herself be below Mr Roger Taylor. Emotionally anyway. 

“What’s the matter?”


	29. apology accepted?

My feet couldn’t carry me any quicker as I strode with purpose down St Anne’s Court. I had bumped into many people on my journey, not bothering to ask if they were okay or apologising for my reckless movements. There was one thing and one thing only on my mind and it was not going to leave my mind until I’d sorted this mess out once and for all. 

I jogged up the stairs to the main entrance to Trident Studios, once again, and walked straight up to the reception desk, the young woman sat behind it as usual. It had been a week since Veronica had accidentally told Emma about Roger’s indiscretions, and I’d had enough of all the petty arguing and the depressing undertone of the seven days leading up to my sudden rush of confidence. I took my ID out of my pocket, actually having remembered to bring it, and tossed it on the receptionist’s desk. 

“Queen are here, yeah?” I asked with little to no emotion, already beginning to walk around the desk and down the hallway towards studio D. I gave the receptionist no time to respond, and I was already turning the door handle. Luckily, they weren’t recording anything currently, so I busted my way in with no remorse. Brian was sat on the sofa in the control room, no prior knowledge of my arrival. 

I did feel slightly bad as I completely ignored by boyfriend and scanned my eyes round the control room and the live room. Freddie emerged into my eyesight, but instead of responding to the typically boisterous greeting, I looked him dead in the eye and asked with a hard tone and a slightly clenched jaw. 

“Where is he?” I was met by a confused face and Brian came up behind me, reaching out to touch my shoulder. Before he could fully touch me, I caught a glimpse of the drummer enjoying a beer in the live room. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” I mumbled, pushing past Freddie and making a beeline towards Roger, who didn’t seem to react much to my ascension. I stopped no more than a few inches away from him, jabbing a finger in his direction. “You are the biggest arsehole going, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” I yelled, causing him to furrow his eyebrows in confusion. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about—” 

“Don’t patronise me, Roger! Why the fuck haven’t you talked to Emma?!” I flared my nostrils as he began to walk away and back into the control room, where he set his beer down on one of the amps. I followed him, insistent on an answer from him. Brian reached out to try and pull me in his direction, but it was fruitless. I shoved his arm out the way. “I’m not gonna do anything, I just want to know why he can’t keep his dick in his pants and not talk to his girlfriend about it after she finds out!” 

At that, Roger spun round, almost startling me completely. “I have tried to talk to her!” He shouted at me, the sudden increase in volume scaring me slightly. 

“Back it up a bit, mate, yeah?” Brian asked calmly, yet firmly, holding his arm out between me and Roger. “You don’t need to shout at her.” 

“What gives her a right to shout at me?!” Roger whined, once again returning to his usual temper-tantrum self that he resorted to when he felt uncomfortable. 

“Well, you don’t have to be as bad as each-other, do you? Just calm down. Both of you.” Brian scolded, looking between the two of us. He looked at Freddie, who sipped at his own beer and shook his head. For once, Freddie Mercury didn’t want to get involved in our shit. And I didn’t blame him for it. I embedded myself into this mess and I was so deep into it that I was inches away from knocking Roger out. 

Once I calmed down a fraction, I asked with a less aggravated tone. “You better start talking, Taylor, whilst I’m not inclined to beat the crap out of you.” I glanced at Brian, who still had his arm between us. 

“I tried to talk to her after she stormed out the day she found out, Maria, and she wasn’t having any of it. I stopped by the flat like two days after and I didn’t get an answer when I knocked at the door. Same goes for the phone, nobody ever picked up. So, don’t get pissy with me, love, when you don’t know jackshit about what’s been going on with us two.” 

“I might not know everything to do with your perfect little romance with Emma, but what I do know is exactly how Emma has been feeling for the past week and I have had to pick up the fucking pieces because you can’t control yourself.” I rolled my eyes, folding my arms. “You know, Emma has never been good with love.” Roger’s ears pricked up at the L word. “Yes, love.” I smiled sourly at him. “She’s sensitive. And she falls quick and hard. Everything she does in her life revolves around how it will make you feel. She does something at uni? She has to make sure you’ll be proud of her. Everything she wears is for you and everything she does is in favour of you and protecting you, Roger, and you need to start respecting that!” 

“Maria, I love Emma.” This even seemed to startle Freddie, who was chilled back on the sofa. Brian had backed up a bit, and became a passive umpire in our conversation. “I know, crazy, I’ve never actually loved anyone before. But I love that girl so much. Your best friend. But I cannot resist my urges. That’s something I’ve accepted.” His voice softened. I think I even saw hints of remorse and guilt in his eyes. “I should’ve made that more obvious, I suppose.” He looked way, scratching the back of his neck. “What has she been doing…?” 

I considered not telling him, I really did. But it was best that he knew the consequences of his actions, no matter how bad it hurt. 

“Drinking. Screaming, shouting. Getting very angry at everything. She gets quite violent when she gets like this.” I spoke quietly, feeling tears prick up in my eyes. My mind flashed back to an incident that happened the day before my confrontation with Roger, and the incident that made me realise I had to go and talk to him about it. Thankfully, Roy and John number 2 had only just come into the control room, so they didn’t have to witness my in-the-moment outburst at Roger. I didn’t want to cause trouble for Queen and their opportunities, and I realised in that moment that I only just got away with doing something that could have potentially ruined things for them if it was seen. I was suddenly overcome with the feeling of embarrassment, my entire demeanour changing. “I’m sorry…” I whispered, tears falling from my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I repeated, looking at Roger, and repeating it for a third time at Brian. By the third repetition, I was shaking and my breathing hitched inconsistently. 

Not again. 

Brian acted immediately, bringing me into him and holding me close. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t need to be sorry.” Brian had a talent of calming my panic attacks before they had chance to fully emerge. I heard some rustling besides me before a tap on the shoulder grabbed my attention. I turned my head to see Roger holding out a tissue in my direction. I looked up at his face. I took the tissue, wiping my eyes with the soft material. 

“I’m sorry, Roger.” I repeated again. “I just don’t like it when Emma breaks down like that. It gets scary, you know…” Brian squeezed me, in an attempt to soothe me, but unbeknownst to him, he pressed into a sensitive spot, pain shooting through my side. I hissed, flinching away from Brian’s touch. He looked down at me with his eyebrows scrunched up. 

“What’s the matter, love?” Brian pushed some of my hair behind my ear to get a better look at my face, which I was sure looked pathetic at that point. 

“Um…” I stuttered, looking between him and Roger and then at Roy, who was setting up the pre-set channels on the mixing desk. I looked down, lowering my voice completely so only he and Roger could hear me. “It gets scary when she flips out.” I reinforced, hoping they’d get what I was saying. 

“Emma didn’t hurt you, did she?” Roger asked, almost amused by the idea of his girlfriend hurting her best friend physically. I gave him a look that told him I was being serious. 

“It wasn’t on purpose. She didn’t mean to do it. She was throwing some stuff round yesterday and she run out of things to throw, so she starting throwing the glasses and mugs around. I was trying to help her calm down and she pushed me out the way and I fell right into the counter, where a mug was smashed and a bit of it stabbed into me.” I explained as calmly as possible. Before they had to respond to me, however, I looked directly at Roger. “Try and talk to her again. Go find her at uni. All I’m asking is you don’t hurt her again. Please.” I practically pleaded at him with my eyes. “I know we don’t get on that well. But I see how happy you make her. And I only want the best for my best friend.” 

Roger sighed deeply, hollowing his cheeks and looking up. He dragged his hand through his hair and nodded, much to my relief. He stepped forward and leaned into me. “I’m sorry, too.” He whispered, before giving me a small smile. The sweet moment didn’t last long, though, for Roger seemed to hide his sudden sincerity with a cough and stiffened back. He grabbed his beer, looking at Freddie. “Should I mic up my kit for King Rat?” 

“Look at you being organised, darling.” Freddie teased, shooting up from his seat. He gave me a wink and a quick kiss on the cheek as he strode passed me. 

“Can I talk to you outside, Ria?” Brian asked, taking my hand. It wasn’t so much a question as it was a demand as he pulled me through the door. He shut it behind him and we found a quieter spot in the hallway. “You need to tell me what happened with Emma yesterday.” He said, folding his arms. 

I furrowed my eyebrows, looking up at him. I felt like a rabbit in headlights. I didn’t like confrontation with Brian, purely because I never liked to disappoint him. He went out of his way at any point to make sure I was okay, and I’d be damned if I was to ever upset him with anything I did. 

“Exactly what I said.” I picked at the bottom of my denim jacket, looking down. Brian shuffled closer to me, placing his finger under my chin and lifting my head up. I looked at him once again and this time, his eyes were flooded with concern, and not the slight anger from before. “That’s what happened, I’ll be okay. It didn’t get me that deep…” 

“I just care about you, that’s all. I don’t want you to be in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, especially if it’s going to hurt you.” His thumb came up to gently stroke over my cheek. “I need you to be safe. You know you can move in with us if you need to—”

“Brian.” I interrupted, moving my hand up to wrap around his wrist. “It’s fine. Everything is fine. As long as Roger talks to her, it’ll be fine.” I assured him. “And I will tell you if anything kicks off again. I promise.” I ran my thumb over the back of his hand, making him smile slightly. 

“Alright…” He sighed, taking my face in both his hands. “I have to get back before Deacy gets here. I’ll call you when I’m finished, okay?” His voice dropped to a whisper. 

“Okay…” I nodded, once again feeling tears prick up. “I love you.” 

Brian chuckled, leaning down and pressing a kiss to my nose. “I love you, too.” He lowered his head further and pressed a kiss to my lips, locking our lips together. I held him there for a bit, making our kiss last longer. I ran my hands up his chest and held his shoulders, making sure to let him know how much I loved him through each movement of my lips. I sighed against him before he gently pulled away. “Please take care of yourself, my love.” 

“I will.” I promised him one last time before we said our goodbyes and I left him to get on with his work with Queen, feeling a lot less enraged than I did when I’d arrived. 

When I got back to the flat, I got that dreaded sinking feeling again. Things were happy and great back at the studio with the boys, but I had momentarily forgotten about the depressed woman I lived with. I had to mentally prepare myself for another confrontational Emma before I opened the door, stopping in my tracks to take in the silence of the block’s stairwell. Sure, there was the echo of a distant conversation coming from other students’ flats and muffled out music playing from some others, but it was the lack of care I possessed before I had to step inside. I couldn’t stay out there forever though, so I just took a deep breath and pushed the door open, stepping inside. Since everything blew up a week prior with Roger, the flat had acquired a strong smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Emma had dabbled in smoking before, but never to this extent. Needless to say, my flat now smelt like a drug den. I grimaced a bit, turning and shutting the door behind me. 

There was a broken-up Beatles song crackling through the record player in the living room, and the closer I got to the source of the sound, the more I could make out the song as ‘Yesterday’, probably one of the most depressing songs I’d ever heard. 

I stood in the doorway of the living room and I was met with a very unhappy Emma, who was laid on her back in the middle of the living room floor, an empty wine bottle balanced on her torso and her mouth moving along to the lyrics of the song. I didn’t even know how she could even ear the lyrics; the record was, for some reason, playing all muffled and broken – not the way a healthy record player would play. 

I huffed and went over to it, rolling my eyes to see that Emma hadn’t placed the needle properly on the vinyl. “You’re gonna break the needle one day and then we won’t be able to play anything.” I scolded bluntly, picking up the needle arm and putting it to the side, the record spinning with no sound. I turned around and stood above Emma, bending over and picking up the wine bottle. “Get up.” 

“No.” 

I took a deep breath, anger slowly bubbling up inside me. I put the wine glass on the table. “I said get up, you’re not doing yourself any favours right now. You’ve made the flat smell like shit and you’re making our lives feel like hell. So, get your shit together and get up.” 

“What do you know about having a shit life?” 

I knew she wasn’t herself at the moment, and I couldn’t take anything she said to heart, but I couldn’t help but feel somewhat hurt by her words. But that’s all I seemed to feel when she talked to me lately, even before the Roger incident. She knew what I’d been through, and she knew how I felt whenever someone underestimated me. 

“Get up.” I said again, this time quieter. She didn’t answer me. “I spoke to Roger.” 

She finally looked over at me, her face red and stained with tears. “You did?” 

“Yeah. I’ll let him talk to you, but what I will say is that you have to stop avoiding him. He can’t make it better if you don’t let him.” I looked at her face, and I couldn’t see my friend. That wasn’t my friend laid down there. That was an alcoholic, a bitch, someone who constantly hurt me. And it wasn’t something I was equipped to deal with. I walked over to the doorway, stepping over her in the process. “Please try and get back to normal, Emma.” I found myself once again breaking out into tears. I hated this. 

“Don’t cry.” Emma whined, putting her hand over her head. “I don’t like it when you cry.”   
“And I don’t like it when my best friend makes me feel like this.” I said with a wobbly voice, leaning on the sofa arm. “I can’t do with you hurting. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. It hurts me when you hurt.” I felt the tears fall down my cheeks, and Emma pulled herself up from the floor with a groan, stumbling over to me. For the first time in weeks, we shared a genuine hug, even if she was pissed out of her mind and did smell like death. 

“I-I’m sorry, Maria.” She whispered on my shoulder. “I’ll try. I will… And thank you for talking to Roger. You didn’t have to do that…” I could only just figure out what she was saying and I chuckled once I made it out. I pulled away from her and moved some hair way from her face. 

“I’ll get you some aspirin. You can have the bed tonight. You need it more than I do.” I smiled the best I could at her. 

“Thank you. I’m gonna be sick…” She covered her mouth and ran to the bathroom. 

I groaned and fell back on the sofa, my legs hanging over the arm. I looked to the side, scanning the messy room. 

Time to do some nursing, Maria…


	30. someday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the nice words in the comments! Don't go anywhere, stick around, because you won't regret it - I have a lot planned for this story! Hope you're all safe and well. Wash your hands and stay at home!
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> Carys xo

Brian

For once, I could drive down the streets of London without the fear of being pulled over or arrested. I had gotten myself a driving licence in the past few weeks. Since Maria told me about her not-so-lovely confrontation with Emma, I’d been overcome with anxiety over not being able to get to her when she needed me. It wasn’t an insanely long drive to Maria’s block of flats, but this was a special occasion. For the first time in a long time, both of us had managed to get some free time between her exams and me recording with Queen to actually go out together. Call it a date, if you want to, but I never did like that formality. 

I sat outside her block when I got there, checking my appearance in the rear-view mirror before I went in. Sometimes it was so difficult to shape my hair; it was so big that if I woke up with it in a mess, it would stay like that for the rest of the day. It took a lot of time and effort for it to do what I wanted it to do and this was one of those days where I took extra care in making sure it hung right and didn’t look too fluffy. Sometimes I even wondered if it would be easier to just cut it and straighten it and have it like I did as a teenager. However, Maria had told me over and over again how much she liked my hair, even if it was an insecurity of mine. She always made me feel better. That’s why I loved her so much. 

I straightened out my jacket as I made my way up to her flat, those butterflies in my stomach coming back again. I couldn’t wait to see her beautiful face and her soft features. I couldn’t wait to hold her perfect figure and feel her smooth hands as she held mine. I just needed her by my side, and the fact that we were going to be alone made me all the more excited to see her. She was the first woman who was able to break out this romantic want from me – yes, I have always been a soft soul, at least I’ve tried to be, but it wasn’t very often that I had these urges to have a relationship. My past girlfriends had nothing on Maria, and she secretly knew this. I could tell. 

I held my hands behind my back after knocking at her door, tapping a steady rhythm with my foot on the floor. My eyes lit up when I saw her stood there in all her beauty, hair looking soft and fluffy – she’d clearly just finished drying it or something. She grinned at me, approaching me with open arms, which I gladly accepted. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her flush against me. She practically clung to me; her arms tight around my shoulders. 

“Someone’s excited to see me.” I chuckled, nestling my face into her hair and inhaling the strong scent of the shampoo she had used. She pulled away and giggled, her fingers playing with the ends of my curls. 

“I’ve just missed you, that’s all. I need to go and get my jacket; I’ll be a few seconds.” She quipped, putting her finger up as she backed away, disappearing briefly. I walked through the door, hanging about in the hallway. Emma was sat on the floor in the living room in the middle of a circle of papers. 

“I really need to get myself a new jacket or something, I look so fat in this.” 

I turned around to see Maria stood in front of the mirror in their hallway, analysing herself in the reflection. She was turned on her side, pressing her hands into the front and back of her waist. It broke my heart to see her so critical of herself, especially when she was clearly the most beautiful female on the planet. I furrowed my eyebrows and appeared behind her. I raked my eyes over her body, and I couldn’t see any flaw. Her curves were perfect, and her… woman features… made her all the more gorgeous. I could hold onto her backsi—

“Brian!” 

“Huh?” I snapped my attention back to her face. Her cheeks were flushed red. “Sorry, love… You just look pretty.” I spoke quietly, so Emma couldn’t hear us in the next room.

“It’s okay… I thought I’d done something wrong.” She giggled, turning around to face me. “You ready to go?” 

“Ready if you are.” I grinned. 

“You’re so cute.” Maria casually commented, sticking her head into the living room. “I’m off, Em, I’m taking the spare key!” 

“Use protection!” Emma shouted back, causing me to retreat in embarrassment and blush like a crazy person. “Bye Brian!” 

“For fuck’s sake, let’s go.” Maria rolled her eyes at Emma’s successful attempt to embarrass both of us, grabbing my hand and the spare key off the side in the hallway and lead me out the flat. 

It was starting to get dark outside when we got to the car, and the stars were emerging from the sky above. I didn’t miss the confusion on my girlfriend’s face as I opened the passenger door for her to slide in, which she did. 

“Where did this come from? And when did you get it?” She asked me as I slid behind the wheel. I slammed the door and turned to her. 

“The money I saved up from teaching. Reckoned I’d benefit from a vehicle of some sorts, and I figured a bicycle probably wouldn’t be as effective as an actual car.” I smirked, starting up the engine. I made her laugh and it was pure music to my ears. It was a symphony of staccatos that seeped into my veins and I was a hardcore addict. 

We enjoyed a mildly silent car ride to the park in central London, and it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was nice to just relax whilst I drove us to our destination. Though it would’ve been nice if we were going somewhere a bit nicer and fancier… 

By the time we’d found a nice patch of grass at the park, the sky was blackened out, and the specs of stars in the galaxy above shone down. Perfect timing… 

Our plan was to just lay together, face up. Stargazing, if you want to call it that. 

Maria had her fingers laced with mine, the blanket we laid on feeling like a soft cushion. I was glad we’d chosen to do this on a night it wasn’t raining, nor even that cold. “How did your exams go, love?” I asked softly. You have to tell her… 

“I think they went okay. They went, I guess… I’m just happy they’re over. If I have to write the name ‘John Reid’ one more time, I’ll cry. And I hate sitting still for longer than two hours, let alone having to write non-stop for two hours. My wrist has been traumatised.” She huffed, rolling her right hand in a circle to prove her point. “Studying just takes it out of me. I get so stressed.” She added with a whisper, sighing and gazing up at the sky. 

I simply chuckled, squeezing her hand. “Well, I’m very proud of you, sweetheart.” You need to tell her, you prick… 

“How did your exams go?” Maria turned her head to look at me. But I wouldn’t dare look back. Literally, just tell her. I bit down on my lip and sat up, resting back on my hands. Maria followed me, leaning closer to me and resting her chin on my shoulder. “Brian Harold May, what are you not telling me?” 

I swallowed dryly, taking in some breath through my teeth. I turned my head to look at her finally and seeing her big eyes looking up at me through her thick eyelashes, her chin nestled so comfortable on my shoulder, compelled me to just tell her everything. “I didn’t do my exams.” I told her bluntly, my voice reduced to a murmur. 

She raised her eyebrows, lifting her head up. She looked almost concerned when she tilted her head round to look at me properly. “You what?” 

“Remember when I told you about my dad and when I was anxious about keeping up with my PhD and Queen?” I sighed. “Well, I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. And with the album and everything seemingly going to plan at the moment, I figured it would be better if I put my studies on pause. I don’t want to think of it as dropping out of university, because it makes me sound like an unmotivated, disinterested boy. But I am not any of those things, but I can’t do everything at once, and—” 

“Bri…” Maria’s soft voice broke me out of my rambling. She brought one of her hands up to cup the side of my face. I relaxed into it, leaning my head into her hold. Her thumb ran across my cheekbone, soothing my brain and its constant thoughts. “It’s fine. It’s okay to do that. Just know that whatever you choose to do with your career path, I’m gonna be 100% supportive because I know you’re smart and can do anything you want to do.” She smiled sweetly, making my heart burst. “You’re gonna be a rock star, Brian May.” She half-joked, her smile turning into a grin. 

“I love you.” I simply responded. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Maria, I really don’t.” 

“You didn’t do anything. You were yourself, and I love that person.” She leaned up to press her lips on my other cheek, my face stuck between her hold and her kiss. 

When she pulled away, I felt more content with the situation. My worries about my decision to not continue with my PhD were softened, now that the most important person in my life supported me. “I’m sorry I couldn’t take you to anywhere nice or posh. I don’t keep side money for dates.” I smiled cheekily, making Maria roll her eyes playfully. 

“Come on, as if I’m really bothered what we do. I just like spending time with you, you know that.” She pushed me a bit. “But sometimes I do wish I knew what I was doing with my life. At least you’ve got a goal. I just need to make money to survive, and I’m barely doing that now.” 

“What, making money, or surviving?” 

“Fucking both, you prick.” She burst out laughing, grabbing onto my knee, which was bent. 

“Sorry.” I chuckled, glancing up at the sky again. “Don’t worry, Maria, you’re going to be successful. Nobody with your personality gets away with staying in the shadows. But until that happens…” I trailed off, looking at her and taking her in my arms and pulling her onto my lap. “I’m going to look after you. I always will. Someday, we’ll have our own house, our own garden to keep lots of hedgehogs in when we find them on the street.” I smiled to myself at my own reference to our first date. “It’ll have more than four rooms and we’ll have a studio. I’ve always wanted my own studio. Somewhere to record and let my mind run wild. I can’t do that without you, though. You can be my manager.” I squeezed her and once again revelled in her laugh. 

“Oh, can I now?” She giggled, looking down at me with her arms draped over my shoulders. “I’m all in for having a nice, big house with a studio and a garden, but how do you know I won’t be in that studio too?” She seemed to have let her mouth run by accident, as she tried to laugh off what she said, looking away. I scrunched my eyebrows up. 

“You’ll be in that studio, will you? What do you do that I don’t know about, Ria?” I teased, digging my fingers into her sides, making her squirm in my lap. “Violin? Piano? Are you secretly an enchantress at the guitar? Are you Karen Carpenter on the drums?” I continued to tease her, her face contorting in humour as she tried not to laugh. “Singing?” Something about my last enquiry made her freeze. I think I caught her out. “Don’t worry, my love, your secret’s safe with me. For now.” I reassured her, nuzzling my head into her neck, breathing in the sweet scent of her perfume. “But, seriously.” I pulled away, looking up at her. “We’re gonna be alright. I promise. Someday.” 

“Why do you keep saying someday? It’s so dramatic.” She laughed. “One day sounds less deep.” 

“Why not both?” 

“Someday, one day?” She thought to herself. “Bri, that’s so cheesy. But very you. So, I love it.” She pecked my lips. “Someday, one day, we’ll be better off. And you are going to be amazing. I’m so proud of you already, I think I might burst when your album actually comes out.” 

“Please don’t burst.” I furrowed my eyebrows. “I love you too much.” 

“Stop being such a Cancer, it’s honestly too cute for me to handle.” She pouted.

“I’ll stop being such a Cancer when you stop being such a Pisces.” 

“What’s that even supposed to mean?” Her voice got higher and higher. 

“It means that you’re a sensitive little kitten, remember?” I smiled, flipping us over so I was nestled on top of her. I knew we were in a park, but I didn’t care who saw us being a couple. 

“Does that mean you’re being too sentimental and emotional?” She smirked up at me. She knew me way too well. 

“Will you shush and let me kiss you? We’ve been talking the entire time!” 

“Yeah and who’s fault is that—” 

I interrupted her with a longing kiss, to which she fully accepted. We knew we wound each other up from time to time, but it became more obvious each day we were together that we just clashed in the best way possible. That night, I made it a vow to myself and to Maria that I would do anything in my power to make sure that she was alright. Not only that, but to look after her til the day she died – money and all. 

We were just… meant to be together. Right?


	31. good enough

Chapter 31

John Reid is an excellent example of a self-made business man, independent and still budding as a popular force of the music industry. Still young, he’s money-wise and managed to start the foundation to what I am sure will be a fundamentally successful monolith. Mainstream managers and businessmen should look into Reid’s tactics and mindset; he has the potential to guide future stars to their fortune and fame. Mark my words: we have not heard the last of John Reid.

The completion of an exam season is a great load of stress taking off of everybody’s shoulders. Whether or not it’s the students, the teachers, or the family of the students waiting to hear back about how they think they did. I couldn’t describe the feeling of completing my exams, my second year of university coming to an end. All that was left to do of my year was finish off our coursework – the dissertations of our chosen inspiration – and sign it off. But as I sat there at that familiar desk in that familiar lecture room, I couldn’t focus on anything else but Professor Ross’ erratic behaviour. It wasn’t normal behaviour for him; I think all of us should know by now that he was one of the most boring individuals I ever met. Today was the exception. And I can’t help but wish that he was his dull self. 

“The industry isn’t brilliant, kiddies, you think life is going to be butterflies and rainbows, but as soon as you’re up there, it’s going to drag you right back down and then you’ll get a job at Morrison’s, wondering what went wrong with your life.” 

I scrunched up my eyebrows, glancing around quizzically at the classmates I barely spoke to, my expressions mirrored back at me. It wasn’t just me who was taken aback by Professor Ross’ words. He was an arsehole in his own right, but it became increasingly clear as he shakily wrote nonsense advice on the screechy chalkboard that it wasn’t his own head influencing his behaviour. I’d had experience being around students in college and in university who were regularly using and accessing uppers. The late 60s, early 70s – the birth of what would be a cascade of the overuse of hyperactive drugs. Professor Ross was clearly a victim of that social habit. 

Emma wasn’t sat next to me that day; she had stayed back at the flat to finish her coursework with minimal distraction. Albert had dropped Events Management. So, I was alone at the back, meaning my gaze at the other students wasn’t subtle. 

And it clearly pissed Professor Ross off. 

“Miss Brennan, are the expressions from the other students more interesting than what’s happening at the front of the classroom? I’m giving you good life advice – advice you could pay for! Being ungrateful gets you in trouble. It gets you grades you wish you didn’t have.” He snarled towards the end, my breath catching in my throat. 

“W-What…” I stuttered; voice barely audible. My heart skipped a few beats at the thought of failing my course. But what Professor Ross said came as more of a threat, than a warning. “I… I don’t—” 

“You don’t what, Maria?” He rested on his desk, glaring at me from the front of the room. The other students had now completely frozen, overlooking the interaction between us. “You don’t understand why I’m telling you that if you continue this petty rage, this juvenile use of your time at university, you will fail and I will personally make sure that any management label in the country know not to employ you. You better start respecting me and my work, otherwise I will fail you for this course.” 

Even my classmates were winded by his words, that they too looked terrified to say anything. I just sat there, my mouth hung open and my lungs failing to take in oxygen. I felt humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed. He degraded me in a room of thirty other people, give or take a few. My palms clammed up with sweat, and my fingers curled into a harsh fist. All eyes were on me. I needed to get out of there. 

Tears pricked my eyes as I scooped up my belongings and shoved them into my bag with no care. I don’t remember the looks on everybody’s face as I speed-walked out of that room, simply because my vision was blurred and my mind focused on how nice it would be to be curled up in bed, or napping on the sofa in the studio whilst Brian plucked away at Red. But I wasn’t in any of those places. I was stuck in the emergence of a panic attack, on my own and no state of mind to calm myself down. By the time I had gotten down to the campus’ main atrium, I was in a full state of panic. 

You’re going to fail.

You’re going to disappoint everybody. 

Your parents will hate you.

Your brother won’t want to talk to you. 

Emma will laugh at you. 

Brian won’t love you anymore. 

I couldn’t go back to the flat and face Emma. Any other reminder of my pending coursework and I’d surely run away. And, in this state, I knew how to run away so nobody would find me. My skin laced with irritation, becoming itchy and hot with every step I took. Everybody was looking at me. Well, they weren’t. But to me, every eye was burning into my skin and leaving blistering welts. 

I needed his arms. I needed his breath on my neck and his hair against my face. I needed his embrace and his warmth, his body flush against mine. I needed his soul to take over me and keep me from all the evil in the world around us. Just his presence would have saved me from this troublesome episode. I needed him. 

And to him is where I found myself heading towards. 

Even now, looking back, I don’t remember walking to Trident. From that moment of wanting Brian with me, to looking at the receptionist’s now familiar face, I only remember it as a blur. That poor receptionist must have thought I was a complete nutter; she’d seen me enter that building under multiple states of emotion. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had a word with Roy and asked for my presence to be monitored. But, thankfully, she didn’t. Or, at least, I didn’t hear anything of it. 

I did my best to give her a smile, but I should imagine that my red and tear-stained face told a different story of the cheery disposition I was trying to put on. My bag was still open, my books sticking out the top. My hair was pulled up into a ponytail, stray strands of baby hair sticking to my face. My breathing had not calmed down, but I held it as I walked through the corridors of the studio. Not a good idea at all. I swear I could have passed out from the overwhelming bout of mixed sensations. I looked at the ground as I twisted the door handle to studio D and pushed it open. 

The boys were crowded around the mixing desk, Roy and John number 2 fiddling around with the gages and mixing a track that sounded like Doing Alright. How ironic. I felt bad intruding on their work for the second time, but I didn’t have any other choice. I needed them. I needed Brian. He was leaning on the mixing desk, looking over all the settings with a grin on his face, his little fangs poking from under his top lip. Even just seeing him calmed me, but I needed to be in his arms. All six of them looked in my direction when I pushed the door shut behind me. As much as I loved the boys, I only needed Brian’s attention in that moment, and that’s what I got. For once, I got what I wanted and deserved. Be grateful I was actually being nice to myself in that moment, and everything I felt wasn’t because of me. 

“Maria?” Brian called out, pushing himself up from the mixing desk and his grin faltering. His eyebrows furrowed when he saw me in my dishevelled state, hurrying over and putting his hands on my shoulders. He moved them upwards to cup my jaw on both sides, thumbs splayed over my cheeks. “Oh my God, what’s happened?” He asked softly, shielding me from the attention of the others with his tallness. 

“I-I can’t…” I couldn’t get many words out without the tears starting again. I huffed out a breath, my pattern becoming short and shallow. You need breath the cry, but I had no capacity in my lungs to uphold that need, so my body went into overdrive and completely unhinged, my attack becoming even more intense than before. “I can’t breathe, Bri…” I managed to choke out, dropping my bag with a heavy thunk on the floor. I heard Brian mumble ‘fuck’ under his breath, bringing me over to the sofa and sitting me down, before settling at my feet. He grabbed onto my hands tightly with one hand, the other holding my face. I leaned over, only wanting to be closer to him. I rested my forehead on his, my hands clasping together tightly. 

“You’re okay, sweetheart, you’re alright. Deep breaths. Can you do that for me? Can you take deep breaths?” 

“Mhmm.” I nodded, encasing Brian’s hand with my shaking ones, rocking back and forth slowly. He rocked with me, giving me a sense of him being there for me. And it helped. “I-I’m so sorry, Bri, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I repeated as an airy whisper. He shook his head forcefully. 

“Shh, you don’t have to be sorry. I’m here, and I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.” He turned his head to the others, who were watching awkwardly, though I was too caught up in my anxiety to really care, and asked for someone to get me some water. Freddie took him up on it, and hurried with a glass of cold water. Brian took it from him and held it up to me. “Here, love. Little sips.” I was too shaky when I tried to hold the glass myself, so it resulted in him tipping the glass slightly towards my mouth and me taking sips with his assistance. I felt so useless, and the tears continued to fall. 

It took a good five minutes for my breathing to fairly return to normal, my vision clearing up and being able to absorb the breath-taking features of the man on his knees in front of me, taking care of me. I lifted my head, taking my hands from Brian’s grasp and running them over my face. I looked over Brian’s head and looked at the others. They gave me a small, awkward smile. 

“You okay?” Roger asked, pulling out a cigarette and placing it between his lips. I nodded at him, reciprocating the same small smile. 

“I think so… I’m sorry for just… Coming in, I didn’t know where else to go.” 

“Ah, don’t apologise, Maria. We’re on a little break anyways. The main thing is that you’re safe and you’re okay.” John said, folding his arms. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah…” I assured, taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling. “I would’ve gone to find Freddie, but…” I paused, looking directly at the singer. “Even if I did, you’d be here and not there.” I half stated, half asked, raising my eyebrow. 

“Ah, yes… About that, darling. I figured I didn’t need any of that petty academia. I know I’m a bloody good designer, I don’t need an A written on some cheap paper to tell me that. It gives me more time to focus on this.” He gestured to the live room behind him. 

I let out a shaky breath. Another one gone. 

I looked over all of them, eyes landing down on Brian. “Have I done something wrong?” I asked quietly. 

“What?” Brian asked, scrunching up his eyebrows. “Of course not, Maria—” 

“Why is everybody leaving me?” I whimpered, the tears coming back again. 

“Oh, no, no, shh…” He pulled me into him, raising onto his feet and settling on the sofa next to me. He held me, everything slotting into place. He stroked at my head, soothing me before I had a chance to break out into another panic attack. “Nobody is leaving you, my love. We won’t leave you, ever. We all love you.” He murmured, placing soft kisses to my hair. 

“Yes, we do all love you. Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep you around. If you’re good enough for Brian, you’re definitely good enough for us. And we love having you around, Maria, darling.” Freddie beamed, walking over and sitting at the other side of me. “Why are we upset? Tell Auntie Freddie.” He patted my leg. 

I couldn’t help but giggle, sniffling against Brian’s chest. I sat up a bit, still in Brian’s embrace. “Professor Ross… He just said some stuff that panicked me… He was high though, I think. He wasn’t really acting normal.” I swallowed thickly. “I know, it’s stupid. I’m just stressed about everything.” 

Brian clicked his tongue, shaking his head. He looked mad. Real mad. And if he wasn’t a nice person, he would’ve gone out of his way to make sure Professor Ross didn’t say anything like that to me again. But he wouldn’t do that. Because he was a nice person. Always has been. 

“It sounds like you’ve had a rough day.” Roy sighed, turning around in his chair. “You’re free to stay here until they’re finished, if you need to. But we have to get some more stuff done whilst we have the time.” 

“Yeah, of course. I’m sorry for interrupting.” I replied, nodding. I let Brian get up after giving me a soothing and kind kiss on my lips. 

All I remember after that was laying down on the sofa, my jacket off and being used as a blanket and falling asleep. Perhaps I would feel better after a nap. The sofa was comfier than I expected, and I had napped for another two and a half hours. The only reason I woke up was due to the barrage of chattering coming from the doorway of the studio. I squinted my eyes, looking up and towards the noises. Everyone seemed to be huddled in a group, body language hinting to their excitement. 

I groaned as I sat up, moving some hair that came loose out of my ponytail from my face. That’s when I heard a different voice. One I didn’t recognise. Curiosity got the best of me and I headed towards the boys. I placed my hand on Brian’s shoulder, who had his back to me and he turned around, his face plastered with joy. 

“Oh, you’re awake! Look who has just stopped by!” He nodded his head to the side. And that’s when I finally looked at this mysterious man everybody was getting so giddy about. And I couldn’t believe my eyes. And I swore that I must have been dreaming. But there, stood in front of me, he stood, smiling down at me. 

John fucking Reid.


	32. grow a little bigger

So much just happened in the space of sixty seconds. 

I started my course in 1971 and I had little to no interest in management, or going into an office job in general. I would have been fine going into waitressing or any stereotypical occupation that was female dominated. I probably wouldn’t have even gone to university if my parents didn’t force me to go, and the thought of that terrified me. Because now we were in early 1973 and I was finally waist-deep in all things management and the music industry, enjoying my studies and influenced by the new friends I had made. I would have never made those new friends if I didn’t come to Imperial. I was more or less happy with how my life was – from an outsider’s perspective, I understand that I had a lot on my shoulders and living with Emma had become slightly unbearable, uncomfortable even. But I promise you all: my life in February 1973 was heaven compared to some other periods of my life. And there I was, face to face, eye to eye, with the person I had indulged my studies in. What the fuck is going on? 

I’m sure he thought I was a fucking idiot as I stood there, wide eyed and my mouth hung open ever so slightly. I heard the boys burst out laughing and I instantly snapped back into reality, blinking my eyes and feeling my cheeks burn up in embarrassment. I felt Brian’s hand reach around me and pull me into him. He squeezed my side as an act of comfort, his laughter dying down with everyone else’s. 

I looked up at Brian with furrowed eyebrows. “Am I dreaming?” I asked him, rather seriously, and rather amusingly, as they couldn’t hold in laughter once again. I nudged him with my elbow. “Stop laughing at me!” I whined, huddling into him more. I felt so awkward. So, so awkward. 

“I’m sorry, love.” Brian chuckled, keeping me close beside him. 

“You’re not dreaming, darling, this is all real. And this is John Reid stood right in front of you at this moment.” Freddie chimed, leaning against the wall. 

“I didn’t realise I had such admiring fans.” John said calmly with a friendly smile, holding out his hand. “Already been introduced, but I am indeed John Reid.” 

I immediately held out my hand, shaking his. “It’s so nice to meet you, Mr Reid.” I grinned. “This is mad…” I trailed off, speaking my mind as I pulled my hand away. 

This made him chuckle, clasping his hands together. “Please call me John. I’m pretty much the same age as all of you, I don’t want to be treat like an old man.” 

I laughed, clasping onto my own arms, and quickly realising I hadn’t put my jacket back on. It’s fine, he won’t look at your arms, there’s no reason for him to. He won’t see the scars… “So, um… I still think I’m dreaming.” I said timidly, glancing at Brian. 

“It came as a shock to us, too. What else can you expect when you’re in a professional recording studio? Managers will come and go out of this building more times than we realise.” Deacy explained – he seemed too calm for this. But I’d known him long enough to understand that it was difficult for him to open up to new people, even if ‘people’ meant John Reid. 

“Precisely! I’m always on the lookout for new talents, and I’ve only been in the business for about four years. I have to look around every recording studio in London if I want to be successful, and that is a tip from me to anybody interested in that line of work.” I knew this man was Scottish from the hours of research I had done, but the more I listened to him talk, the more I realised I wasn’t ready to actually hear the accent in person. Not only that, but my brain began to reel with all these possibilities once he mentioned management. Maybe if I told him I was studying for that and I was interested, he would take me on and help me. Maybe he’d like me more, even though there’s not much reason for me to think he didn’t like me. Alas, I didn’t have to open my mouth; Freddie jumped to my rescue without knowing, practically flying across the little circle we had formed and standing on the other side of me, pulling me into him and out of Brian’s grasp. 

“Our little Maria, here, is studying events management, so I’m sure she appreciates your words. She’s rather clever at it, too, dear. She booked us at The Britannia back in October and we’ve been recognised by more people in South Kensington than ever before.” He said with pride, squeezing me tightly. I stifled a small giggle, but was still in complete and utter shock over this entire situation. “She’s also the reason we are in this studio!” 

John seemed impressed, leaning back on the door frame and crossing his arms. “Studying it? I am assuming you’re at university?” 

“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’m at Imperial College.” My voice had reduced to my normal shyness, but being surrounded by the boys stopped me from freaking out from about ten different emotions. 

“That accent.” He pointed his finger. “It’s rare to see a Northerner around here!” 

“I know, it’s a bit debilitating sometimes. Most of the time, no one knows what I’m saying because I’m either talking too fast or using dodgy dialect.” I shrugged. 

“Don’t worry about that, lass, I get the same problems.” He winked at me, standing up from the doorframe and clasping his hands together. “I have about twenty minutes left before I need to be off, so you fancy showing me what you’ve been up to, lads?” He looked at the boys, his words catching them off guard. 

“Uhm…” Roger stuttered, his eyes dancing over the others. Brian did pretty much the same thing, as did John. Freddie, however, was more than happy to flagellate for Mr Reid. 

“Of course, darling.” He strutted forwards, towards John and looked up at him. “You want to see what we’re doing? We’ll bloody well give it to you, dear.” With a small smirk, he strode through into the live room. Freddie was very flirtatious, he always was, but I’d never seen him be this openly flirtatious with a man before. Don’t get me wrong, I had absolutely no problem with that. It was just a reminder of that one passing thought I had at the Christmas get together. Maybe Freddie was… gay. But he was with Mary. He liked Mary. And I’d seen him flirt with other girls. That can’t be gay… But guys, though. He must have been gay. I didn’t know how to think about Freddie’s sexuality at times like these but all I knew is that he was an incredible human being with the kindest soul – I couldn’t give a shit if he shagged girls or boys. But I will say, trying to come to a conclusion over it was such a mindfuck. 

Roger had excitedly followed Freddie into the live room, followed by Deacy. John went over to the mixing desk and sat at one of the chairs, looking over the notes Roy had made for their mixes. Brian took my hand and pulled me into the live room, keeping us just at the door. 

“This is big, Ria! This is a big deal!” Brian whisper-shouted, grabbing my shoulders. 

“I know!” I whispered back, just as excited, jumping around a bit. “What are you gonna play for him?” 

“I don’t know! You choose, you’re our biggest fan.” Brian spoke a little louder, grabbing Red and putting her over his shoulder. 

“Keep Yourself Alive, did you even need to ask?” I scoffed, excitedly looking over at the others. “You can do Keep Yourself Alive, right?” 

“You’ve heard us, we can do anything, darling.” Freddie adjusted his microphone stand and the pop shield attached to it. 

“Why do you want us to do that one so bad?” Brian asked, quick-tuning as he spoke. “You’re always so excited over it.” 

I felt a blush creep up on my cheeks, walking a little bit closer to him, tucking my fingers into his guitar strap. “You wrote it.” I spoke lowly, pushing myself up on my tiptoes and pressing my lips to his. I sighed against him, moving my hand to massage the side of his neck. The tension that was there slowly disappeared and I pulled away. I smiled up at him. “You have to show him what you’re made of.” I grinned again, giving the others one more look of encouragement before disappearing back into the mixing room. 

I gave Roy an excited grin, going over to the amps. I leaned myself against a stack of them, making sure not to be too close to John. I still wanted to be near him, I wanted to observe how he worked, even if he himself was observing someone else. I inhaled deeply, breathing out with the same intensity in an attempt to sooth my excitement. Clamping my hands together in front of me, I looked over at the live room, the boys ready to go. 

“When you’re ready, lads.” Roy spoke through the microphone. One look at the tape reel sat beside the mixing desk and I quickly realised that he had set it recording. 

“Do you always record when they don’t know?” John asked him. 

“Oh, I sometimes set the tape recording when they’re in a good mood, or if they’re running through. They’re very good every time, but it’s rare that they all play together at once in the live room. We might get something good.” Roy explained, turning up the gains on the master channel of the mixing desk. John nodded his head, listening, but his attention was soon turned to Queen as Brian plucked the intro riff for Keep Yourself Alive. He looked intensely focused, as always, as the smooth texture of Red rang out through the speakers, soon accompanied by Roger and John layering the sonics. 

My chest filled with pride as I heard John ask how Brian got that flange effect on the guitar. He was utterly astonished when he saw there was no manipulation on the tape, or fancy positions of the speakers. And Roy actually didn’t know the answer, as he probably should have done, being their producer. It angered me, actually. It proved the lack of care that went into artist’s projects by the hands of Trident. 

“He made the guitar himself.” I chimed in, John turning around in his chair and looking up at me. “Designed the pick-ups with his dad, and added a phase switch. There wasn’t a guitar out there that had its own phase switch, so he designed one himself. He’s also made his own delay pedal.” 

John seemed impressed with not only what I was saying about Brian, but how much I picked up from it. I saw a glint of excitement in his eyes and I could only hope that was a signal for ‘I’m going to take these guys on’. But only time could tell. 

I smiled to myself, looking over at Freddie, who was toying with the headphone wire. 

“I was told a million times of all the troubles in my way,  
mind you grow a little wiser,  
little better every day.”

I found myself mouthing along to the song, tapping my foot quietly on the floor to the beat and rhythm. This was the first time I’d listened to the song without people speaking and cheering around us. No interruptions. I was up close and real personal with Queen. It was as if I was listening to them for the first time, mine and John’s reactions mirroring one another’s. I revelled in Roger’s falsetto during the chorus, and I drowned in the deep gravel that was only just prominent in Brian’s vocals. 

“Well I loved a million women in a belladonic haze,  
And I ate a million dinners,  
Brought to me on silver trays,  
Give me everything I need to feed my body and my soul,   
And I’ll grow a little bigger,  
Maybe that can be my goal.” 

I watched John as he listened to Freddie’s vocals, and it seemed like he was impressing him. As much as I was proud of Brian, I couldn’t help the overwhelming sense of happiness I felt over what these four boys had achieved in the time I’d known them. Roger went absolutely apeshit, going all out when it came to his solo. He’d made it twice as long as it usually was on stage, probably about eight bars now. They were like proper rock stars. I knew they’d get there with this kind of attitude towards their work. They knew when opportunities were golden, and this was one of those moments; I don’t know a single person who would turn down a chance with Elton John’s manager. 

My heart fluttered at Brian’s wide smile as he burst out into the guitar solo I loved so much. It was that third bar, the progression of the chords that was pure silk to my ears. I bit down on my lip, containing my lifted mood and it was then that I realised that only a few hours ago, I was a nervous wreck – I felt like I was about to stop breathing altogether. I had lost all hope, and my brain was completely dishevelled. And here I was now, leaning against some amps in Trident Studios, listening to my boyfriend and his best friends jamming out in front of the man I had been studying for months. And I was happier than ever.

One thing you should note about me is that when a certain emotion gets to a certain level of intensity within me, I cry. It doesn’t matter which emotion, whatever circumstance, I will cry if it gets too much. And that’s what started happening at that moment. I was so happy and comfortable here in this studio in the company of some truly amazing human beings and I couldn’t help but tear up. I brought my hand up to my chin, resting my fingers under it. A tear dropped onto the sleeve on my blouse, a dark patch now formed where it soaked in. I kind of tuned out the rest of the song because I was so caught up in my feelings. I found myself just staring at Brian, admiring everything about him. And, God, I loved that man. 

I just stayed still against the amps when the four of them finished and made their way back into the control room. I watched over as John congratulated them on their talents, clearly impressed with their abilities. I kept quiet, wanting to stay away from that glorious moment, though all I wanted to do was jump into Brian’s arms and tell him how proud I was of him and how much I loved him. But that could wait until later on. 

I felt forgotten about for a little bit, but I was completely fine with that. I was fine with fading into the background whilst John praised the boys, telling them how wonderful they were and the potential they had. However, before he could say anything else, he announced he had to leave, unfortunately. Freddie and John had exchanged phone numbers, so that had to mean something good, right? 

Brian and Deacy had slumped themselves down on the sofa, Freddie and Roger seeing John out with great enthusiasm. I looked over at Brian with a small smile that was only small due to the energy I was giving into not freaking out as much as I wanted to. But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My smile turned into a glistening grin. I pushed myself off the amps and ran over to the sofa, falling onto it and over the two men. My top half was rested over Deacy, and my bottom half over Brian. It was a completely unintentional position but nobody seemed to mind, so I settled into it. 

“That was pretty bloody mad.” Brian sighed, one of his hands innocently resting on my thigh. 

“It definitely was.” Deacy agreed, looking at Brian and then down at me. His eyebrows scrunched up. “Are you… Are you okay?”   
Damn, they noticed. 

“I’m great.” I sat myself up on Brian’s lap, turning to face them both. “I’m just… I can’t believe that just happened. It’s so surreal. There’s that and… I’m just so proud of you all.” I whispered the last part shyly, causing Brian to chuckle and pull me against him in an appreciative embrace. 

“I love you so much.” Brian mumbled against my shoulder. 

“I love you too, Poodle.” 

“Does this mean Veronica and I have permission to be this lovey-dovey whenever we’re all together?” Deacy teased, leaning back on the sofa arm. 

I burst out laughing into Brian’s fluffy curls, wrapping my arms around him tighter. 

I just met John Fucking Reid.


	33. emphasised masculinity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mature content ahead, read at your own discretion. And enjoy, of course.
> 
> Also, make sure to leave kudos and some feedback, it really helps with the motivation. 
> 
> I hope you're all being safe and social distancing! I love you all. 
> 
> Carys x

March, 1973

Emma

I leaned into Roger, our bodies sweaty and tacky with the remnants of our love-making. The only barrier between the two of us was Roger’s shirt, which I draped over my body shortly after we’d finished. The air was thickening up even more, the fresh smoke from Roger’s cigarette floating into it as he inhaled and exhaled the deadly toxins. He passed me the stick, sharing hits with me every now and then. There was a reason his room had such a distinct scent: cigs and sex.

“We should use those again. I quite enjoyed that.” He huffed in a gravelly tone, reaching over and tapping ashes into the tray by his bed. “Must admit, the shop I got them from was a bit dodgy and didn’t have a sign on the outside, but I think it was worth it.” He gave me a cheeky look as if he was questioning my thoughts.

“It was interesting, to say the least. Never done anything like that with anyone before, so I don’t have much experience with shoving a rope of small beads up somebody’s arse.” I bluntly said, trying my best to hold back a smirk.

“I’m not gay, Em. I should imagine a lot of straight men like that.” He grumbled, dragging the stub across the discarded ash drop outs. He then rested his hand behind his head, tilting up his chin to stare up at the ceiling. “There’s just so much stuff you can do out there. And we only explore, like, ten percent of it. Why? Because we’re scared of being judged by the stranger on the other side of the street. The world would be a whole lot nicer if people didn’t have to have secrets, if we all just minded our own business instead of worrying over what Sally next door is doing.”

Roger often did this after sex. Talk. Not that I minded, I was just in awe at his brain at times where his hormones and serotonin is through the roof. His mind would run wild with the what ifs and whys of society and how we can make it better. He was so oblivious to his own wisdom at times, reducing himself to the blonde man slag he presented himself as on stage whenever he had to interact with strangers. We all knew he was smart and had a lot to say about a lot. It was just a matter of getting him riled up enough to speak his mind. I just laid there, my eyes looking up at him, fixated on everything Roger Taylor.

Since Maria went to the studio to confront Roger about Daisy, he’d brought down his walls regarding what he shared with me. I thought he’d already told me everything I had to know about who he was, but as the days went passed, I truly got to see the real Roger Taylor and I could say with confidence that I was falling more and more in love with him every minute. It felt progressive – good. We were heading in the right direction, and that’s all I could ever ask for from him. As long as he knew that I should be his priority, that was the most important thing to me.

“I do love you, you know.”

Blinking, I snapped my eyes back up at him after having drifted off into a daydream in my thoughts. His pale blue eyes didn’t shift once, and they weren’t blown with the power of lust anymore. It was him. The real him.

“I know I don’t really tell you that, but I thought you should know.” He leaned down and placed a firm kiss to my forehead.

“I love you, too, Rog.” I whispered into his chest when he pulled me closer into him.

After a few minutes of environmental whirring: the cars in the big city outside the window, people on the path just next to the student house chatting to each other, only just audible through the slightly open window, Roger let out a small chuckle to himself. He noticed my confused look and shook his head. “Nothing. ‘S’just everything seems to be happening for us right now. Is it just me or is everything just… nice?”

I’m probably going to confuse you, greatly, when I say this. But moments like that made me angry with my boyfriend. He always got too ahead of himself and I never understood why his outlook on life was so positive. You never get anywhere with being positive; it makes you lose grip on reality, and ultimately, you end up getting hurt.

“It’s alright, I guess.” I mumbled, sighing to myself. “I just can’t help but think that good things don’t last forever.”

“Would those good things include marriage?”

My heart fluttered at this. My eyes raised in a similar fashion, but was not met back by his gaze this time. “Marriage…? Roger…” He looked deep in thought. Marriage. Is he…?

“Are engagement rings a symbol of forever, or are they just materialistic assets that hide one’s true feelings towards someone?” He gave me a side eye. “Because I’m struggling to understand Brian’s mindset.”

“Brian?” I asked a bit too bluntly, my voice louder than before and an unconscious bitterness laced within.

“Yeah! He’s been badgering us for a week now over whether or not he should buy Maria an engagement ring. As far as I know, he’s pretty adamant on getting her one.”

I sat up almost immediately, leaning on my hand and looking down at him. Of course, it’s about Maria. “He can’t be that stupid, can he? They’ve not even been together for that long!”

Roger’s eyes narrowed at me in confusion. “He’s in love.” He shrugged. I huffed a little under my breath, averting my eyes around the room. I hoped it was enough to let him know that I was upset with this new information. I deserved something like that from Roger after everything. Embarrassment, confusion, betrayal, hurt, defeat, numbness: all alumni of my passing thoughts. Looking back over at the blonde splayed across the bed, sheets loosely sat at his abdomen, I awaited a response to my unfiltered emotions. “Hey, I’ll get you one if you really want one, it’s no biggie.” What a gentleman.

I rolled my eyes, falling back down on the bed, no longer cuddled up to Roger. I laid on my back, eyes deadly fixated on the ceiling above me. “Is everything still happening as planned for tonight?” Since we’re on the topic of Maria…

“As far as I know, everything is a-okay.” He grinned to himself. He could be so obnoxious sometimes. He didn’t even realise he just hurt me. I hummed in response, dragging a long breath through my nose and exhaling it through a loud sigh out my mouth. “I should probably get back to the flat. I told her I’d be back like an hour ago. Not fair to keep someone waiting on a promise when it’s their birthday.” I spoke through a lie. A partial lie. It was true: it wasn’t nice for someone to be alone on their birthday. But I regrettably longed for Maria to be alone more than needed. I was bitter, lacking sweetness.

I envied her.

I would be lying if I told you all that I wasn’t the more fortunate friend out of the two of us. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel bad for that. Shit just happens the way it happens. But on a larger scale, it was her who had the cake – always. The bigger house, the richer family, the attractive father. You can’t help but be drawn to people with those benefits, especially at such a young age, and before I knew it, we were packing up our stuff to move in as best friends in a completely different region of the country. She took her privilege for granted, and that’s what annoyed me. However, I tried to push these ill feelings towards my best friend out of my mind, at least for today, as I slipped out of the bed to get dressed.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll see you tonight anyways.” Roger pulled himself up with a gravelly grunt and he watched me potter around, picking up the discarded garments thrown across his room a few hours prior. “Fred wants to decorate, so I’m gonna be dragged into helping.”

I merely hummed in response, taking a final look in the mirror leant against the wall in the corner of the room. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You preoccupy yourself a lot.” I turned to him, his figure now stood right in front of me, dressed in only his briefs. He leaned down and pecked my lips. “I’ll see you later. Tell Maria I said hi.”

Maria

My stomach clenched; the hot breath laid on the skin just beside my eye, heating up my temple. His rugged and shaky grunts only just audible enough for me to react. I choked out a moan when he stilled inside of me momentarily. I could tell he didn’t want this moment to end. It was pure bliss whenever I got the chance to feel Brian’s physical love, especially when it was so deep and so raw that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I left nail marks on his shoulders when he continued his movements after his torturous techniques of irregulating his rhythm.

“Oh God, Brian…” I whispered, his hand grasping onto my thigh even harder, yanking it up even higher on his waist. His other hand, which was splayed next to me came to caress my hair, fingers raking through the now messy locks. “I love you…”

He lifted his head, looking down at me. His face was reddened, skin flushed and baby hairs sticking to his skin from the sweat formed. He always looked so primal in these moments: my soft, nerdy Poodle stripped of his shyness and complete vulnerability. My words must have sparked a special fire within him, his hazel eyes full blown with lust as he bit down on his lip and pushed my leg further. Fuck, this new angle. It was so intimate: his entire body was laid flush on mine, my heat clenching unintentionally at the tickle of Brian’s pubic hair on my pelvis. It’s a weird thing: the conversation of body hair in certain parts of the human body has always been such a taboo, even in the 70s. But you can’t deny the level of maturity and intimacy involved in the act of not shaving yourself clean. Grooming was important, of course, but that trail of hair that travelled from my Brian’s stomach and down to the part of him that made me writhe in numb ecstasy was something that I adored – it was such a subtle, ordinary feature of him and any man, but it just emphasised his manhood. And I sure did love when my Brian’s masculinity was emphasised.

“I love you too. Fuck, you’re so beautiful, Maria.” Brian huffed against my face, lifting his upper half up with his hand. He now towered over me, my form completely under his control. His thrusts became more determined, and my body flushed up, the blouse I was wearing starting to stick to me. It was half-buttoned, my white bra visible. We had rushed so quickly to get in bed that neither of us were entirely undressed. Brian was shirtless, whereas I was uncovered from the waist down. He’d pushed down his trousers enough for him to relieve himself. My chest was speckled with red marks from Brian’s mouth, some of them even on the verge of purple, dare I call them love bites and hickeys. “I love how you feel around me: you feel fantastic. So perfect…” He rambled on with his praises and words of encouragement, all of which sent waves of wetness to my core.

One specific thrust in particular arched my back up into a strained arch, a glutaral moan pushing through my throat. I reached upwards, frantically grasping at the back of Brian’s neck, pulling the hair at the roots, making him groan loudly.

“Fuck.” His expletive was loud and his thrusts were almost erratic at this point. I, however, felt too free. I had every right and the ability to touch him wherever I wanted, speak whenever I wanted. I wanted some kind of… Restraint. In my haze of pleasure, I blindly hit the arm that was holding Brian up to get his attention. I tried my best to pull on his wrist from the position that we were in, but I managed to get the words out.

“Choke me, Bri.” I practically growled in the moment, and I hastily decided to think over and worry about my choice when we finished rather than at that point.

His thrusts didn’t stop: they still had the same passion in as before. Only, his eyebrows were raised in shock as his hand moved to my throat, loosely wrapping his fingers round my skin. “Are you sure?” He asked breathlessly, putting down just a little bit of pressure. I moaned again. I didn’t know I was into that until that moment. I quickly nodded, whimpering.

“I’m sure… Please, Bri—”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”

I furrowed my eyebrows, my heart dropping down to my feet when I realised it was not Brian that was speaking to me. The voice came from the doorway of the bedroom and I knew, without looking, that it was a rather traumatised Emma. I immediately scrambled under Brian, his own form shooting to the side of me to cover himself up with the bedsheets. I slipped my legs under, sitting up with messy hair and staring wide-eyed at Emma.

“Did you not hear me come in?” Emma asked with a sharp and snappy tone, rolling her eyes and turning around to storm off into the living room across the hall. My eyes snapped between the empty doorway and the embarrassed Brian who was slowly sinking into the mattress, or at least looked like he wanted to.

With a frustrated groan of a sigh, I threw the blanket over my legs and pulled myself out of the bed, all the thick lust in the air now completely dissolved. I pulled on my underwear and fastened some of the buttons on my blouse before padding out the room.

“Emma!” I yelled, folding my arms and stopping in the living room when I saw her taking a swig out of a half full bottle of red wine. She had cut down a little bit on the drinking since we had our moment, but I could tell that she wouldn’t be able to keep up with her promises.

“Have you ever heard of shagging when there isn’t anyone else in the house?” She snapped, slamming the wine bottle on the kitchen counter, the loud bang making me flinch and wrap my arms tighter around me. I never liked noises that were sudden, or loud. Or suddenly loud. It freaked me out. Emma knew that.

“You weren’t even here, you were gone! You were meant to be back an hour ago.” It wasn’t very common that I snapped at people I cared about, but I wasn’t about to let her guilt trip me into apologising for having time with my boyfriend when she was out doing the exact same thing.

“So, you decided to get pounded into a mattress, fully knowing I could be home any minute?!” Her voice was getting louder and her tone was getting more vindictive by each syllable.

“You don’t always come home!” I held my hand out to emphasise my point, trying my best not to shout. “You’re not going to make me feel bad for this, Em.” I shook my head, tears pricking at my eyes. “Why did you even come into the bedroom? You knew I was home!”

I heard some shuffling behind me. I only hoped that Brian would disappear back into the bedroom; I never liked when he got dragged into things. It wasn’t fair.

“Just shut the fuck up, Maria, I can’t be arsed with this conversation.”

“Yeah, because you’re clearly pissed off about something Roger did, and you just come home and take it out on me because I’m the only one who doesn’t leave you.” I growled with my jaw clenched as I felt a hand on my back.

“DON’T even bring Roger into this!” She shouted at me, turning so her arm would knock the wine bottle off the counter, smashing on the floor.

“I think we should calm down, actually.” Brian’s soft voice sounded from behind me. “This is just unnecessary arguing about something so stupid. Nobody is in the wrong, so can we just stop?” He sounded so fed up of the angst between me and Emma and I couldn’t blame him; I was just as fed up with Emma’s attitude and constant switch of priorities. But, then again, maybe I needed to just accept it and not feed into it with my own retaliations.

I lowered my eyes down to the smashed wine bottle, the tears dried up but my anger not yet distinguished. I was on the brink of giving up with this friendship, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could continue to stick around for this kind of toxicity. I looked back up at Emma, who was totally out of it – emotion-wise. She looked right back at me, and I felt my skin crawl at the level of malice that was in her gaze.

“You’re lucky it’s your birthday.” Was all she muttered before she stormed passed me, shoving into me on her way by, causing me to fall into Brian, who caught me with his hands on my shoulders.

I let out a shaky breath, feeling my lip quiver as the tears finally fell, letting out a faint whimper. Brian pulled me into him, rubbing my back and letting out an agitated sigh of his own, as Emma disappeared into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.


	34. stains and manual labour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, babies! I'm back. 
> 
> I do want to take a little bit of time to express that I am so thankful and grateful for your support on this book. I've never been so proud of anything I've written. So I thank you for that. 
> 
> Secondly, whoever defended me (in the last chapter) in the comments is much appreciated. I was not expecting that. It really did mean the world. 
> 
> Thirdly(?), I hope you are all staying safe out there. I know the world is a scary place at the moment and I wish I could do more to help. I support people of all creeds, race, genders and sexuality and no one group should be treated any less than the other based on what part of society they've been pushed into. This in particular goes to the black community and the LGBT+ community at the moment, with the rise of police brutality and Operation Pridefall. Please know my DMs on any of my socials are ALWAYS open if you need to talk about absolutely anything. I'm with you all to the end. Create, don't hate - as that lovely Snapchat filter says. 
> 
> Be kind, be safe, and enjoy this chapter! It's short, but the next one is worth it!
> 
> Love you all, 
> 
> Carys x

The tears dried up shortly after Brian left. I didn't really have much of a choice but to stop my eyes from sweating with disappointment and borderline depression from the state my mind was slowly entering. I think the only thing that kept me sane at that time was Brian and his company. It sounds awfully regressive, I am very aware of that, but I'm sure feminism could deal with the fact that I needed to lean on my boyfriend when I was on the brink of slipping back into my depression. Slipping back. Yes. Back. The thought of entering that again terrified me as I sat on the floor in front of the mirror in living room doing my make-up. My eyes froze, gazing into my half-lined eye, hand hovering somewhere near my face. It wasn't healthy thinking back to those times... But when you feel it coming back, you can't help but experience a little PTSD if it's bad enough.

September, 1963

I did it again. I fucked it again. I can't just keep my mouth shut and keep quiet. I squeezed my eyes shut as I walked down the leafy path, the coldness of the autumn air pricking at my tights-clad legs. Maybe I'd accidentally wander onto the road and get hit by a passing vehicle going eighty miles. Maybe I'd open my eyes and realise that today was just a horrid dream, and I'd wake up and vow myself not to do the same thing again. Maybe, just maybe, I could trick myself and others following me that I wasn't actually there and that I never existed in the first place.

"Aww is the little fatty going home to mummy and daddy?"

"I only hope they've restocked the pantry."

"I don't even know why she's so fat. Her mum doesn't even look after her properly."

"Maybe she should eat more, all she does is talk."

"One little joke, and she acts like you've murdered your entire family."

"She was staring at me in the changing rooms again. Dyke..."

When I opened my eyes, my vision was blurred. I hoisted my bag higher up on my shoulder and clung to the strap in hopes that the harder I gripped, the chances of me getting home faster would be higher.

I hated school uniform. It was always so uncomfortable to me, and back then, specifically at my school, the girls weren't allowed to wear trousers. Well, it wasn't exactly against the rules. It was just widely frowned upon if a female dared wear something historically created to keep boys' dicks from poking your eye. Not only that, but looking my best was always a great concern of mum's. But I never felt comfortable in those forty denier tights and that flowy black skirt that stopped just above my knees. Every time I walked past a car, a window, anything with a reflective surface, I could have thrown up in sheer disgust at my legs. It felt exposing. Exposing a part of me I was insecure about, and more kids could make fun of.

They followed me home. Right to my front gate. And they stayed there until I gathered up the courage to tell my dad. Some nights, they stayed out there for hours, sometimes throwing rocks my windows. Any other girl would get dainty pebbles gently tossed at their boudoir, and it would be a cute guy with a leather jacket and slicked back hair – cuffed blue jeans and a cigarette hanging from his lips, even at the age of thirteen. Not me. It was the same guys, simply doing whatever they could just because they knew I was agitated easily.

Whenever I actually snapped back, it amused them even more. I hated conflict because of those times. And it happened every single day.

It was a regular occurrence for me to make my way upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom, hidden razors behind the toilet. And... It doesn't take a genius to figure out what I did.

I sat on the closed toilet lid, sniffly nose and puffy eyes as I carved into my left forearm. I was angry. Angry at the world for letting me feel this way. Angry at the people who made me feel this way. Angry at myself for feeding into it. Let me describe the feeling.

It bubbled through my blood, every corner and crevice of my body. It made my heart rate go fifty to the dozen. It was like my body was being stuffed into a tube, a confined tube with my arms pushed viciously to my sides. My muscles completely froze up, yet convulsed at the same time. There was no stopping the tears – they came out without any movement from my face. I wanted to vomit my guts up. I did everything I could to relieve myself of the exaggerated frustration I tended to feel whenever teased relentlessly by other kids. I punched brick walls, completely ruining my knuckles. I screamed into pillows and cushions, ruining my throat for a few days. After a while, it stopped working and I had no other choice but to take it out on myself.

I felt so hard. I hated it. There's a word for that now. I believe it's autism.

"Maria!"

I snapped my eyes upwards, met with an irritated looking Emma at the doorway, pulling curlers out of the ends of her hair. "S-Sorry... What did you want?" I replenished my liner and resumed my routine.

"I said..." She started with a huff. "They're expecting us at seven, how much longer are you going to be?" She fluffed out her hair with her fingers.

I glanced at the clock, relieved that it wasn't too close to seven yet. Emma could get so anxious about timing. I always knew her to be an hour early to literally everything, unless she was caught up by something she considered more important. I guess that explained her lateness coming home. With each day that passed, it became clearer and clearer that Roger was more important than I was to Emma. But in the long run, I couldn't complain. I was starting to hold Brian in much higher regards than I did Emma.

"Yeah, I'll probably be another twenty-five minutes. Stop stressing, it's only just hit six." I mumbled quietly, finishing off my liner. I'd smoked out some black and brown eyeshadow, dragging it under my eye as well. I always looked good with sultry make up. I added a nude lipstick and combed my fingers through my hair, which I'd pulled up into a half ponytail.

I shimmied past Emma and went into the bedroom, heading for my bedside drawer. Getting ready to go somewhere always distracted me from the bad energy that built up inside, so my mind was coasting steadily at the moment. At one point, even excitement bubbled up in my veins. It was then that I came to the conclusion that being at the boys' house was where I wanted to be, and ultimately needed to be. I just needed to be wrapped up in Brian's arms because he was my safe place. He never shouted at me, he never had unpredictable outbursts that resulted in me being stabbed with some broken glass. He never... Ever... Called me stupid for being emotional. Emma... Did all of that. Could you live in that environment? I was coming to the end of my patience.

With a deep breath, I opened the drawer and pulled out the velvet box Brian had given me at Christmas. I couldn't stop the giddy smile from forming on my face as I slipped the silver ring onto my index finger, tracing the 'Poodle' engravement with the tip of my middle finger. I also added the one choker I owned to my look. I'm going to get personal for a second, and please let me know if I was weird for this. But... There was something about a choker that made me so excited – I looked so hot in a choker. When I dressed up, I felt like a different person. Confidence just radiated from me when I put on that choker and I couldn't wait to see Brian and for him to see me. I liked seeing the primal instincts in his usually vulnerable persona. This was surely going to pull it out of him.

I bit the bullet and dressed in something that should be worn without a jacket. Maria, you own this. You look hot. I wore an off the shoulder, white shirt with frilly sleeves that ran across a majority of the top half. I put on some tight-fitting flared jeans that complimented my extra curve. I decided to tuck in my shirt and add a dark brown belt to it, finding it difficult to forget what Emma had said when we made our first visit to Trident. I pulled out the only pair of platform heels I had and boom. There's a 1970s style icon for the girls who had a little extra around their bodies.

We love confident Maria.

I walked through into the living room, adjusting my belt. "Oh, you've actually tucked in your shirt today. Looks like I am useful." Emma said, sipping on her pre-drink of wine. The smashed bottle of wine was still on the floor, and it was obviously staining the carpet. I was positive we'd have to pay the university a sum of money for not taking better care of it. I pushed aside her comment with gritted teeth and went over to the sofa, sitting myself down. I started feeling sick.

Nausea. Something I'd battled with many times in the past. It happened when I got subconsciously stressed. It was horrible and lasted around half an hour usually. All I had to do was wait it out. I grabbed a packet of polos I had laying on the table and popped one in my mouth, hoping that the minty flavour would distract me from wanting to throw up everywhere.

I looked over at Emma and the mess on the floor. "Are you not cleaning that up before we go?"

She looked down at it for a split second and shrugged her shoulders. "I might do it tomorrow when we come back."

"Emma, it's going to stink in here if you leave it overnight. That's disgusting, and it's going to be stained! We're not going to be able to pay for that."

"Maybe you can ask your sugar daddy to pay for it."

I narrowed my eyes at her subtly and shook my head, trying to find the words to respond as politely as possible. I didn't have to, though.

"Sorry." She sighed. "I'm sorry. Sorry for earlier."

"Hm, it's okay." I hummed, bringing my foot up to rest on the coffee table. I leaned back and looked up at the drab ceiling. She could apologise all she wanted, but we should all know by now that her apologies didn't mean shit anymore. She'd always go back to being her nasty self in the end and there was just nothing I could do about it.

Without another word, Emma put down her glass of wine and started cleaning up the broken glass and splattered alcohol. A slight pang of guilt shot through me and I had to remind myself that it wasn't my dereliction of duty to clean up the mess she made. But you all know me enough by now to understand that I'm one soft sod and there was nothing I, or anyone, could do about it.

Usually I wouldn't point out the absence of a birthday present. But when it was concerning my best friend, it's only right to expect at least a card from said friend. It was around half-past-six and Emma had acknowledged it was my birthday twice: once just before she left for Roger's where she uttered a simple happy birthday whilst I was half asleep in bed, and once when she reminded me of how lucky I was that today did mark the day of my birth. I know this is a random thing to bring up, but I couldn't help but let my mind wander as I watched her do manual labour for once. Perhaps I'd receive one from her when we get to the boys' house?

After she'd dumped the waste into the bin, and mopped up what she could of the wine, we decided that it was probably best if we headed out. My nausea had subsided ever so slightly, and my mood was lifted just a tad. I was looking forward to the night and what it had in store for me. For us.

The London nightlife was young and the atmosphere of people from all walks of life filled my lungs. The only thing protecting me from the warm breeze was my typical jacket and the thoughts of Brian's arms wrapped around me.


	35. you hear me well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter! I had a lot of fun writing it, so I hope you enjoy reading it! Feedback is always encouraged and appreciated <3
> 
> Stay safe, be kind. 
> 
> Carys x

I loved rain. When I was inside.

"Roger, you're such an idiot." I laughed, shaking my head at the blonde who was peeping through the letter box of the boys' house.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who either of you beauties are. I'm afraid I can't let you in."

"Roger, stop being a dick and open the door. It's pissing it down." Emma snapped, folding her arms. I looked over at her, my face faltering at her tone. She'd let the rain just pour on her hair, falling down to slightly smudge the minimal make up she wore that night. I clearly had more pride than her, as I had my jacket held over my head to stop the rain from ruining my nicely done hair and make-up that took a lot of effort to apply.

There was some mumbling and shuffling from the other side of the door and when it opened, there stood a very jovial Freddie with his arms open.

"Maria, darling, happy birthday!" He stepped aside, saying a quick hello to Emma as he let us step inside. "Don't mind Blondie; he's in a terrifyingly good mood. Let me take your coats, dears."

Emma passed him her coat, thanking him and heading over to Roger immediately. I hated her attitude at that moment; she was so blind and not willing to see anything other than what was going on with her life. But I decided not to fret over Emma; this was my night – Brian's words.

I handed Freddie my coat, cringing at the soaked denim. "I'm sorry it's so wet. I should probably get myself a proper coat." Freddie chuckled, carefully draping it over his arm.

"Nonsense. Don't ever apologise for anything being too wet." He winked at me, leaning in and planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek. He turned around and hung mine and Emma's garments on the hat stand by the door that was covered in Roger's outlandish and experimental hats. When he turned to face me again, I was looking over at the couple at the other side of the room. Emma was stood no more than a couple of inches away from her boyfriend, her back facing in my direction.

"You haven't got hurt again, have you?" Freddie murmured to me, his eyes also landing on the two of them. "Can't deny the tension when you came in."

"It's whatever." I spoke back with the same utter. "It's becoming predictable now." I looked back up at Freddie, his expression unreadable. I couldn't tell if he was frustrated, confused or... shocked.

"No time for fretting, my little tulip, it's your day!" I giggled as he took my hands, the flamboyant figure prancing backwards towards the centre of the living room. "What's your poison today, Maria, darling?" He twirled around, picking up a gin glass.

"Can I have a beer? It's a little early for mixers." I gestured to the cluster of cheap beer on the coffee table. Freddie set down the glass and handed me a can, still chilled. "Cheers, Fred."

"Of course, darling." He lifted his own beer to his lips and sipped out of it as I did the same. There was something about opening a can that was so satisfying. The cracking noise, or the hiss of the fizzy liquid inside. It's one of those sounds that never get old.

I took in my surroundings: Freddie had gone all out for me. The gentle soul in me thought he didn't have to do such a thing, and that the get-together would have been enough. But the human in me secretly loved the attention I was getting; it wasn't often that I was showered in this much affection and attention – not even my own parents went this far when celebrating my birthday.

"Mary's in the kitchen, by the way, dear. She's been making and baking with us all day."

I almost choked, my eyes bouncing between Roger and Freddie. "You've been baking? And you didn't burn the house down?"

"Of course not! Mary was here." Freddie shifted his eyes to Roger and took a nonchalant sip of his drink.

"Oh, we would've been buggered if she wasn't here." Roger admitted, shaking his head.

I would've nipped into the kitchen to say hi to Mary, only I was distracted by the lack of warmth in the room, and I didn't mean physically. The house felt empty. I felt bare.

"Hang on." I held my hand up, Fred's small and drunken giggles halting. "Where's Bri?" I asked with a slightly disappointed tone. I furrowed my eyebrows, catching Emma rolling her eyes out the corner of my eye. "Have you got a problem?"

"What?" She hummed, wrapping an arm around Roger and resting her body against him. "Of course, I haven't got a problem, Maria. My eye itches."

Roger seemed uninterested in our squabbling, as he always did whenever he was present to it. Alas, I could not blame anybody who chose to stay out of mine and Emma's sour moments; I wish I could hit the eject button myself sometimes.

"Enough, ladies, Brian popped out for something." Checking the clock on the wall above the small fireplace, Freddie pursed his lips. "About an hour ago now. Should be home soon, dear, not to fret."

Twenty minutes passed and I'd already had another beer. I was slumped in the armchair, body slid halfway down. Mary had joined us in the living room, to which she and I had a lengthy conversation about her outfit. Turns out she'd styled it herself and had help from a colleague at Biba when tailoring it. She even showed me pictures Freddie had snapped of her earlier that day on the street when they took a trip to the shop for baking supplements. She was a born model, that woman. Born for fashion, living for the beauty. Greatly admired by me, I assure you.

On the topic of fashion, Freddie was rather excited to show off the new hat he'd bought earlier that week. A funny thing, it was. So perfectly Freddie, yet so strangely eccentric. It was black, of course, with a wide rim and a peculiar large, pointy red feather poking out the top of it. He pranced over to the centre of the living room, Roger snorting with uncontainable laughter. He had to match up to the flamboyancy and the atmosphere in the room took a jarring turn. Little Richard was playing on the turntable and the two males glided around the room with their silly, fashion-forward hats on.

"Everything's suddenly gotten very gay." I commented, cackling after I hiccupped. "Emma, did you know your boyfriend was gay? How very gay of you, Roger."

"Why does anyone have to be gay at any one time, my little sprout?" Freddie chimed, taking one of my hands and one of Roger's hands and spinning us around. I held onto Roger's other hand to stop myself from decking it in the middle of the boy's living room and saving myself an embarrassing story. "Everyone should just be gay!" He sang in an unknown tune, unbeknownst to me that the door had opened and shut behind us.

"Speaking of gay." Roger commented, pushing the hat that was slowly slipping down his head back up.

I turned my head in the direction of the doorway and widened my eyes. "Brian Harold May. What the bloody hell have you got around your neck?" It was like I toppled off a horse with a monocle on; I couldn't have sounded more British if I tried.

Brian stood at the doorway, wiping off his shoes on the doormat. He was clad in his usual style of flared trousers that stopped at his stomach, a plain blazer jacket and a blue, half-buttoned-up shirt. Plus, the clogs I bought him for Christmas. It wouldn't have seemed that out of the ordinary, had he not decided to accompany is otherwise monotonous outfit with a flashy rainbow-pattered scarf snug around his neck.

"What?" He enquired our tipsy expressions, lifting the accessory off his shoulders and hanging it up on the hat stand. "Did you start the booze without me?"

"Brian..." I whined, letting go of the others' hands and reaching out in his direction, to which he chuckled and graciously accepted my desperation. "Hiiiii... You're late." I held onto his shoulders, leaning into him as I saw Emma trudge down the stairs. She'd been in the bathroom for a while.

"I know." Brian laughed, cautiously backing up and bringing me down with him when he fell back on the sofa. I was pulled into his side, body rested over him and it briefly reminded me of the first time we kissed – both drunk, in the dark, the night I began to let my walls down to someone who wasn't Emma. And now look at us. "Someone recognised me from one of our gigs at the Britannia, so I got a little held up."

"Recognised you? That's incredible!" Mary grinned. "Shall we do the cake and then presents, now that everyone's here?" Mary rose from her seat on the cushioned floor, straightening out her skirt. She looked over at me for an answer, but I felt the alcohol seeping into my system each second and I didn't care what order we did anything, as long as we did it. So, I shrugged at her in the end, answering with a simple 'sure', before she retreated back into the kitchen.

"How many have you had to drink?" Brian asked with a giggle, Roger handing him a can.

"Three, actually." I held up my fingers.

"That's four fingers."

"Shut up."

"Alright, well... We all know you're a lightweight, sweetheart. Which makes sense."

My mouth dropped open, feigning hurt and shock. "What the hell do you mean by that, eh?"

"It means that you can't keep five drinks down without throwing it all back up, Maria." Emma chimed in, guzzling her fourth glass of gin.

"Yeah, and you're a model citizen of... drinking." I cooed, pulling myself up into a more upright position when Mary came through with a fancy cake on a platter with candles sticking out the top of it, the flames illuminating the colour of the wax below it.

I didn't like people singing Happy Birthday to me. I don't think anybody likes it. To this day, I recoil in complete agony at the embarrassment that comes with such a traditional and mundane act. So, forgive me for sitting on the sofa in complete silence, restricted movement as my heart burst out my chest, everyone in the room now singing to me.

Brian must have sensed my discomfort, sliding his hand on my leg and massaging the flesh with his thumb. He always sensed my discomfort.

I held my hair out of my face as I leaned over, blowing out the flames before me. I felt Brian's hand lingering on my lower back, running his fingertips up and down my spine nonchalantly. Mary then took the cake back into the kitchen to take out the candles.

"You look sexy."

I almost choked, once again, on my fifth drink of the night, head shifting to the side slightly so see Brian's head resting against mine, chin sat on my shoulder. "Do I?" I asked lowly, Freddie turning up the music as he chatted away with Emma and Roger.

"Mhm." He confirmed, moving some hair away from my shoulder and placing soft kisses along my neck. He nuzzled into me, inhaling and relaxing against me. "I love when you wear these trousers."

"Oh?" I asked innocently. "How come?" I knew the exact answer, I just needed confirmation that it was true: that Brian and I shared a secret, something I could tease him with without the others knowing.

"They make your thighs look incredible." He started, making sure to keep his voice quiet from the others. "Whenever you wear them, I can never stop looking at how good your arse looks in them—"

There was a harsh knock at the front door. Nobody else seemed to be too bothered about answering it, so I got up and did it myself. Brian could wait a little longer. We were in the middle of a party, after all.

"I could notice that mousy brown hair from a mile away." I drunkenly mused at the figure at the door. I stepped back, dramatically allowing him to step through. "Deacy's here!" I yelled to the others. I hurried to shut the front door, practically running back over to John and hugging him from behind.

Deacy let out his classic little laugh, adjusting his stance so he could hug me back the best he could.

"Ah, there he is!" Freddie boasted, a can in his right hand, extending his left arm out graciously. "We were wondering when you would turn up, dear."

"I'm not staying." John replied, shaking his head, fluffy hair in my face. I pulled away from him and pouted dramatically, my drunken state clearly fuelling stronger reactions. "I'm seeing Veronica tonight, but I thought I'd stop by and say happy birthday."

Brian watched the interaction from his seat on the sofa, musing over me and my actions. The little mannerisms I never knew I did at the time: things I would do when someone did something in particular. I fail to remember them now, only because of them being in my younger days. However, I briefly remember Brian telling me once that whenever someone did something nice for me, I'd laugh loudly: it'd be a specific laugh that came from the back of my throat. Almost bordering on discomfort, or confusion. My noise would scrunch up and my cheeks would flush red for hours because I couldn't get it out my mind. The little things Brian managed to recognise in me were incredible.

I shuffled over to the arm of the sofa, the side that Brian was on, and leaned against it, Brian leaning forward to see Deacy properly. He had a tall, rectangular-shaped bag in his hand.

"I was going to get you something a little stronger, but... I don't know, here you go." Deacy beamed, awkwardly holding out the bag. I took it from him with a little 'thank you' and peeped inside. A bottle of something. Reaching in, I pulled the bottle out by its neck and dropped the bag on the floor. Turning the bottle in my hand, I held it close to my face to read the fancy print on it.

"Moet et Chandon..." I hummed, pulling my face into an overly-impressed expression. "Very fancy, Johnathan." He hated when I called him that, as I found out when he winced at it for the third time since I had known him.

"Let's have a look." Brian poked his head around, and I handed him the bottle.

"My mum drinks that." Emma said from her place with Roger on the floor. "Vile. I don't understand how anyone can drink it." Her words seemed to have affected John, as his eyebrows immediately furrowed in concern, his eyes landing back on me.

"No, no, I like a glass of Moet, Deacy. Ignore Emma." I said, stabbing her metaphorically with my glare. "My dad has some back at home and I drink it for special occasions. I love it, thank you." I reached out and pulled John into a tight hug, once again shooting daggers at Emma over his shoulder.

"I should get going. Happy birthday again." He said as he pulled back. "You better call me and tell me what you got. I like birthdays."

I laughed, tilting my head to the side. "When's your birthday?"

"August 19th, 1951."

"Oh my god, I'm actually older than someone here! That's exciting!" I looked at Bri and the others with wide eyes. "Isn't that exciting?!"

"Thrilling, dear." Freddie humoured me as he walked John to the door. Brian had settled the Moet on the coffee table, and his arms wrapped tightly around me and before I knew it, I was yanked back onto the sofa, my legs draped over him.

"I hate you; you scared the fuck out of me!" I yelled at him, looking up at him with doe-eyes.

"Awh, I'm sorry." He pouted at me, leaning down to press a longing kiss to my lips. He held me up with his right hand and gripped my legs with his left. I stroked his hair with my hands, rather sloppily, until Mary's soft demeanour appeared from the kitchen again.

"Can we not shag on the sofa?" She giggled, Freddie joining us.

"Oh, we're not allowed to shag on the sofa?" Freddie smirked at Mary, leaning into her and smothering her with sloppy kisses. She grimaced a little and moved away, laughing at her boyfriend's silliness. "Are we doing the presents now?" He whined, looking over at me as he went over to change the record that had stopped playing a while ago.

"Yes!" I shot up, almost headbutting Brian on my ascent. "Presents are fun when it's from you lot." I glanced at Brian. "You going first?"

"Oh, um... It's probably better if I go last, Ria. Don't want to outdo everyone before we've even started." He shot a smug little smile at the others, rising from his seat. "I just have to nip upstairs and get something. You can start without me." He leaned down to steal another kiss from me before he disappeared upstairs.

I watched my boyfriend's lanky legs ascend up the stairs before turning to look at the others. "He's jumpy today."

"Don't worry about it, darling." Freddie began, digging around behind the turntable for something he deemed more important. "I knew I put it somewhere over here." He muttered to himself, huffing every time he thought he'd found whatever it was he was looking for. "Ah! Here it is!" He triumphantly spun on his heel with a large square-shaped, brown envelope in his hands. He sank into the sofa beside me and held it out as though it was the most fragile thing in the world. It was, only I didn't know it quite yet.

The others had expectant expressions, like they knew what was in the envelope. It wouldn't surprise me if everyone had gone out of their way to conspire. I didn't like surprises too much, they gave me anxiety. Too many loose ends left for my poor brain to tie together, even if they didn't need to be.

Alas, I was curious enough not to question Freddie's present too much. As I opened the tab of the envelope, I kept in mind how careful Freddie was with it when handing it to me – it must have been something very special. I handle it with the same precision and care as he did, gently pulling out what felt like laminated cardboard.

As my eyes feasted upon the sight in my hands, my heart burst into thousands of shards, but each shard held a million tonnes of pride for my best friends. I could force myself to sober up temporarily for this. It was a work of art, as simplistic and basic an album cover could be.

"It's gorgeous, Fred." I finally looked up at him, his own face plastered with sheer joy.

I had, in my shaky hands, the first sleeve print of Queen's debut album.

"Of course, the record itself isn't finished yet. But we made the final touches on the cover and the sleeve, which I designed myself, might I add."

"Obviously. Is this the first one?"

"Absolutely. The first ever Queen sleeve in the world. Hold onto it. Because it's yours forever, Maria." Before I could say anything else, he turned the sleeve over in my hands and pointed to the bottom of the rear side.

'Special thanks to Maria Brennan, for we would not have this without you.'

"Fred... I don't know what to say. That's insane..." I truly was gobsmacked. It was just another moment in my life where Freddie and the boys fed me enough validation to last me a lifetime. I had to remind myself that I was wanted and needed by those around me, and this helped me immensely. I did something right for a change. I actually helped someone do something that eventually helped them. I looked at Freddie, small specks of tears forming in the corners of my eyes. "Thank you." Was all I could choke out without being a big baby and weeping hysterically, before I leaned forward and enveloped Freddie into a big hug. Freddie always gave the best hugs. He rocked me side to side, pressing a hard kiss to my head when he pulled away.

He put the sleeve back in the envelope, placing it in a safe and secure place on the rack besides the record player. "Who's next, amateurs? Try to beat that." Fred gloated, folding his arms and smirking down at Roger and Emma. The couple looked at each other, seemingly conversing silently before Roger cleared his throat and stood up from the cushion he was sat on. He dug underneath the fluffy pillow and pulled out another square shape, only this time was wrapped in shiny paper.

"Uh, me and Emma got you this. Dunno if you already had it. Saw it on the rack in Tesco so I just got it." He scratched the back of his neck, standing before me as I opened the paper with precision. When I finally realised what it was, my smile beamed from ear to ear.

"She's going to be playing that all the time now, Rog, we should've got her, like, some more eyeliner or something." Emma said.

"Lay off it, Em. Their music isn't bad." Roger defended the group of young boys plastered on the front of the album sleeve I held in my hands. Roger cleared his throat again, seemingly awkward about him having to be the one to give me the present, when it should've been Emma. "Em said you liked the Jackson 5. I didn't really know what else to get you. Happy birthday."

"It's okay, I didn't have this one." I finally said. I did feel slightly bad for him; I knew the level of awkwardness he was being subject to, and I wouldn't wanted to be treated harshly if it was me in his position. "Thank you, Roger." I smiled, genuinely, at him and I, Maria Brennan, went out of my way to get up from the sofa and give him, Roger Taylor, a hug.

Brian almost passed out when he walked in on the scenario.

"Did I walk down the wrong set of stairs?" He joked, and I pulled away from Roger, giving my boyfriend an amused glare.

"We're all adults here, Poodle. I am a decent human being, of course." I smirked, looking down at the two things Brian held in his hands. In one, he held a small, nicely wrapped present. In the other, he held his acoustic guitar – one of them. I knew from my visits that it was the one he recorded with at Trident.

"I should be happy. It's about time you two got over your petty squabbling and became civilised." Brian pondered, setting down the present on the sofa arm after I'd rested back down on it. "Um, open that first, then I'll... Yeah, just open that first." He rambled, flustered as his cheeks flushed a light pink. He looked down and around, anywhere but somewhere that would expose his flustered state.

Brian perched himself on the edge of the coffee table, resting his guitar over his lap. I tore away the smooth wrapping paper from his present and I was not shocked over what was inside. Not in a bad way, of course, I was more than happy with this sort of gift. It was just so typically Brian.

"Oh my God, this is so you." I teased, glancing up at him. It was a book, quite thick, on a Pisces' compatibility with a Cancer. Also known as: this is why Maria Brennan and Brian May were meant to be together. A quick flip through the pages, the new book smell hit my nose with such ease, and I landed on a page on sex and passion. "This was not intentional." I mumbled, before clearing my throat. "A Cancer will nurture their partner and ensure their Pisces partner experience a rollercoaster of emotions in the bedroom—"

Freddie cackled to himself, cracking open another beer. "Oh, darling, you two are made for each other. The amount of emotional sappy bollocks I hear spewed from both of you just tells me that you're destined to be together."

I blushed. Hard. Butterflies fluttering everywhere in my body. I closed the book, setting it to my side. I looked at Brian, who looked mortified that I'd just openly read something so intimate. But he was still smiling, or at least trying not to show his real thoughts. I could see through him. I mouthed a small 'thank you' to my boyfriend, who look more than glad that I appreciated his present.

"So, um... This may be in Fred's list of emotional, sappy bollocks." He sighed, picking up his guitar and resting it on his knee like always, his hand gripping onto its thick neck. A few fine tunes and test strums later, he lifted his head and looked me in the eye. "I hope you like this, darling." And with that, he strummed away with a beautiful rhythm, accompanied by beautiful chords.

This was a first for me. I'd never had anyone do anything like this before. I clamped my hands in my lap as everyone listened so intensely.

"You've never heard my song before, the music was too loud..."

His voice was so soothing.

"But now I think you hear me well, for now we both know how."

Listen to the lyrics, Maria. Advice I gave to myself that resulted in me completely relaxing and leaning my head into my palm, resting my elbow on my knee. It was just me and Brian. And he was pouring out his emotions in buckets.

"No star can light our way, in this cloud of dark and fear. But some day, one day..."

My heart burst. Someday, one day. Our date at the park. Sneaky man. I forgot to listen to the lyrics for a while, I was just rolling around in how soft his voice was and how lucky I was to pull a man who treated women the way he did. I mean, come on, he literally turned our conversation into a song!

"A misty castle waits for you, and you shall be a Queen. Today the cloud, it hangs over us and all is grey. But some day, one day..."

By the time he was finished, I had tears in my eyes. I was so embarrassed to be this vulnerable in front of the others. I covered my face with my hands and giggled nervously. Brian set down his guitar and sat next to me, pulling me into an embrace I never wanted to end. I leaned into him, inhaling his scent as he nestled his head into my shoulder.

"I love you." He mumbled against my skin so only I could hear it. I mumbled it back the same way, pressing kisses to his shoulder, even though it was clad in the material of his jacket. "Happy birthday, baby."

God, I loved that man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you enjoyed that! One of my favourite chapters, if I do say so myself. 
> 
> Feedback is accepted/encouraged/appreciated and wanted! 
> 
> Bye, babies, stay tuned for chapter 36!


	36. bromance and romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, babies, here's another update! I really hope you enjoy this one. 
> 
> Enjoy, my lovies. 
> 
> Oh, also... *mature content warning* 
> 
> Carys x

Freddie

The aftermath of a heavy night of drinking and partying was the worst; the clean-up, the tending to hangovers like the good housewife I am, despite being induced with one just the same. It was just agonising, lovies, I can’t tell you enough. 

Alas, like always, I trudged down the stairs in my dressing gown, tightening it in preparation for the work I’d have to do. Ignorantly, I kind of hoped to myself that somebody might have woken up early and taken it upon themselves to tidy up a bit. Don’t be stupid, darling, nobody would dare do a thing like that. I got up at eight that morning and nobody would know where to put anything. Or, at least, they wouldn’t put anything in the right place. You’d swear Roger thought ‘under the sofa’ was Japanese for ‘bin’. 

Before I did anything though, it was only right that I’d start off the day with a cup of tea. Or a bucket. I was thirsty, okay? But aren’t I always? 

I was more than startled to find the kitchen not empty like it usually was, but populated with nobody but Emma, leaning against the window and gulping a glass of water. My hand flew to my chest, steadying my breath. “Emma, dear, you’re as silent as a mouse.” Or a snake. 

“Am I?” She asked after swallowing the last gulp of water. Putting the glass in the sink, a smirk played upon her face. “Never been called quiet before.” I rolled my eyes, walking passed her to the kettle. “Don’t be like that, Fred, you say stuff like that to me all the time.” 

Chuckling, I filled the pot up, settling it down on the stove. “I think you’re mistaken, dear.” All the while, I was going about my regular routine as though she wasn’t even there, grabbing milk, preparing aspirins, etc… “I joke with Roger about those things. Not you, dear.” I filled a cup with some boiling hot water, dunking a teabag in almost immediately. A splash of milk, and a sprinkling of sugar and it was perfect. Emma was still stood at the sink, arms crossed. She clearly didn’t take too well to my response. “Don’t be like that, Em. Totter off back upstairs, now, I have to clean up. And I’m sure Roggie is missing you.” 

I had purposefully situated myself at the doorway, sipping on my tea when she followed my order. Only she couldn’t fulfil it completely, as I was in the way. She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face – thank God I was only slightly taller than the girl, otherwise she would’ve been petrified. “Just one more thing.” I started. “You may call me Freddie. Only my friends get to call me Fred.” 

I couldn’t help smugly smirk to myself as she scurried passed me with a scoff on her lips and a slight stagger to her walk. I strode into the living room with pride, catching her legs stomping up the stairs. I cringed at the noise, hoping she wouldn’t wake the entire house up. I wanted to bathe in my wit on my own for a little longer. 

God, how I despise that girl. 

Maria

I was woken up by a door slamming upstairs. Not that I opened my eyes at all, it hurt to even squint to see anything. I counted my lucky stars and hoped that I’d just fall asleep again. I was way too comfy to get up and start the day. Besides, my head was throbbing and I was sore as all hell. The soreness was new to me, actually – I was aware that you could experience it after heavily drinking, but I’d never had that before. Therefore, I wasn’t sure how the best way to deal with it was. I wasn’t very lucky. Once my eyes made contact with the slightest bit of light, my brain told me it was time to get up. 

I was laid on my stomach, so when I lifted my head up, I was met by the soft features of a sleeping Brian. My heart fluttered, despite my tiredness; he looked so irresistibly cute laying there with his hair messily splayed over his pillows, lips slightly parted, some of his top row of teeth on show, little breaths escaping his mouth with an airy filter, inhaling with soft and gentle snores. 

I could feel his bony knee against my calf, as I had fallen asleep with my leg hooked over him, and my arm draped over his torso. It became clear to me that we were both completely undressed, though my mind could not cast back to any memory. I hated when Brian and I shagged when drunk, mostly because I could never remember what happened unless someone told me. But at least I could attribute that soreness to something now…

Some of the room’s air had crept under the sheets, making me recoil back into the mattress with an uncomfortable groan. I moved my arm from Brian, our skin tackily stuck together from the night before and reality settled in of the cold house we were in. How was I supposed to get up when I was so warm under these covers? I lifted myself up enough to scan the room, looking for something suitable to go downstairs in. I ended up spotting a large jumper of Brian’s draped over the chair that slid neatly under his desk at the other side of his room. It was baggy on Brian, so it would definitely fit me. I had borrowed a shirt or two of his in the past, and it was weird how normal they looked on me. Because Brian was so tall and so skinny, and I was shorter but plumper, his shirts sat well on the both of us. But I think Brian liked it a little too much when I wore his clothes, as I’m sure it accentuated my chest more than my clothes did. His love for curves never went unnoticed by me, and therefore was always appreciated. I decided on a quick tactic to slide out of the bed and grab the jumper before the coldness could envelope me enough to the point of discomfort. 

I achieved it with little struggle, sliding on my underwear again. I am pleased to say that at this point, I was confident enough to only wear this around the boys. Sure, my legs were not those of a bikini model, and I definitely did not have a thigh gap – nowhere close to one – and my backside was not exactly petite, but I had spent enough time with everyone in the house to not exactly care that much about what I looked like. Besides, Brian had seen all of me, and frequently. I caught a glimpse of my flushed-red face in the mirror on my way out into the hallway, leaving behind a cosy and comfy Brian wrapped up in the blankets. 

“Morning.” I called softly to Freddie when I saw him wiping down the coffee table. It was even colder downstairs, but the early sunlight leaking through the curtains was sure to warm it up a bit throughout the day. 

“Good morning, my little sprout.” He didn’t have to look to see who it was. “How does it feel to officially be twenty-three years old?” 

“No different from twenty-two.” I smirked, leaning against the living room wall. He finally turned to me with empty cans in one hand and a few glasses in the other. “Do you need help?” 

“Nonsense. I’ve put out some aspirin and a glass of water for you, dear, you look like you need it.” Winking, he dropped the cans into a black bin-liner. 

“Thanks, Fred, just what I needed someone to say to me.” I teased, poking my tongue out at him as I made my way into the kitchen, where he had indeed laid out a line of glasses filled with water and aspirins to match each one. “You did not have to do this.” I called from the kitchen. 

“Who else was going to do it, darling?” 

“I mean, I could have gotten my own and I guess I could have gotten Brian’s. It’s not rocket science. I know where everything is.” 

“Hush and take the aspirin before you die of a hangover.” His voice was next to me now, startling me. I asked no more questions and did as I was told. “Oh, by the way, someone came to see you earlier on.” 

“What?” I set the empty glass of water down on the kitchen counter. “I literally don’t know anyone else in London apart from Deacy and Professor Dickhead. At least not well enough for them to come looking for me.” 

“I know that, dear, that’s why I told him I didn’t know any Maria.” He put a hand on his hip. “Strange… I’ve never seen him around here before. I think I’d remember a man wearing an obnoxiously long trench coat and a silly fedora. Especially when they go knocking on doors at nine on a Sunday morning.” 

I froze at his words. I really should have been overly-concerned at that point, calling the police and doing anything I could to stop this man from being near me. But I had no evidence, and could not be certain that he was the same man. I’d never even seen his face. 

“That is weird… It’s probably just a drunk man… Or an ill man…” I shrugged and laughed it off in the end.

I hung around downstairs for a little bit, feeling guilty that I was just watching Freddie rush around like a madman, tidying everyone’s mess up. Trust me, I offered to help him multiple times, but he just wasn’t having any of it. I found myself settled on the armchair, one of Brian’s confusing text books in my lap. He still had those things lying about the house; the man read them for fun. There were bookmarks (pieces of scrap paper) separating sections, annotating theories, extra notes in general. His handwriting was difficult to make out sometimes, but I made a promise to myself that I’d learn to read his style of handwriting without struggle. Such a stupid little thing, but it was something that made Brian who he was: his handwriting was a mark of him when he wasn’t there. Something as little as his handwriting made my heart swell with adoration and my stomach churn with butterflies. I tried to understand the contents of said text book, but accompanied with a blistering hangover and a lack of understanding for… anything scientific, it was fruitless and I just ended up scanning over his funny colloquialisms and way of summarising masses of text. 

“How is our gangly astronomer this morning?” Freddie asked, vaccing over the carpet. 

I snapped out of my daze, looking up at Freddie. “He was dead asleep when I came downstairs. Think last night wore him out.” Met by a cheeky smirk from the man in front of me, my suspicions grew. “Speaking of last night… What the fuck happened? I don’t remember a thing.” I closed the text book, setting it on the coffee table.   
“Oh, darling, you brought out a side of our Brian that we rarely see. I may even go as far to say we have never seen this side of him.” 

“Stop being so vague, tell me.” I laughed. 

“Well.” He started, stopping his duties for a second. “After he sang that gorgeous number for you, we all decided it was a good idea to drink to our hearts’ desires and Blondie wanted to play a rather silly and juvenile game of spin the bottle, as if we were in secondary school. We played it, though. We definitely played it, dear.” 

I furrowed my eyebrows, my back straightening up. “Fred, what happened? What did I do? Why did I do it? Oh my God… Who did I do it to?” 

“You never told me you were such a good kisser, Maria.” He simply said, disappearing into the kitchen, hoover in hand. I jumped to my feet, rushing into the kitchen after him. 

“Come again?” 

“Yes, dear, we may have shared a rather intense and passionate kiss last night and Brian decided it just wouldn’t do. So, he took you upstairs and… Well, I’m assuming he showed you who you belonged to, as the saying goes.” He chuckled to himself. “I am blessed to be able to remember shenanigans in my drunken state.” 

I was fucking mortified. “Jesus Christ, he wasn’t upset, was he? Brian, I mean?” 

“Oh, darling, if he was, he wouldn’t have any right to be. After all, he and Roger got rather close last night, too.” He, once again, tottered off back into the other room, to which I followed him again. 

“Oh my God, stop walking away. What do you mean he and Roger got close?” 

“Maria, I’m only teasing. It was a small kiss. Brian is definitely not gay; I can assure you that. That reminds me, you never told me you had a daddy kink, Miss Brennan.” 

“I’m going back upstairs now!” I put my hands on my ears, speed-walking to the staircase. “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore!” 

“We all love you, Maria, you little minx, you!” He teased further, blowing an exaggerated kiss to me as I practically ran up the stairs. By the time I’d gotten upstairs, I was giggling to myself. The whole thing was very silly, and I was just happy that I was now doing what most girls my age were doing: having fun. 

Slipping back into Brian’s bedroom, I made sure not to make too much noise, but considering Freddie was just using the hoover, I wasn’t sure it was very useful trying to be quiet anymore. I gently clicked the door shut behind me, back pressing to the wood as I set eyes on my snoozing boyfriend again. He’d flipped over onto his side, head now on my pillow and body sprawled diagonally across his bed. I padded over, carefully lowering myself under the sheets the best I could – I had no choice but to try and move Brian a little bit. He groaned in his sleep, shuffling away from me and rolling onto his back again, to which I stifled a chuckle and slipped under the covers comfortably. Don’t get it wrong, I had no intention going back to sleep, I just wanted to cuddle Brian a little longer. So, I did, pressing myself flush against his side and nestling my face into his neck. I’d resumed to the position I woke up in, only more calculated and more comfortable. I was definitely more on top of him than before. 

A few minutes passed by, and I finally heard Brian start to rouse from his sleep, thickly swallowing and stretching his legs out. It seemed like clockwork when his arms automatically wrapped around me, keeping me in place against him. I smiled against his skin; the cold of his room soon drowned out. 

“G’morning…” He rumbled lowly with his gravelly morning voice. 

“Morning.” I barely whispered, taking a deep breath. He still possessed a musky scent mixed of sweat and cologne from the night before. 

“How long have you been awake?” 

“Not very long. Went downstairs. Fred’s cleaning.” 

“Mmm’of course…” He mumbled, neither of us opening our eyes during our conversation. With a grunt, he shifted his hips upwards, causing me to peer down. I wasn’t that shocked when I saw the outline of his morning hardness strain against the sheets. 

“Quite the eventful night…” I let my words hang in the air, hoping for more of an explanation from Brian as I slid my hand over his stomach, trailing it lower to his abdomen. He shot me a playful glare with one eye before a smirk crept upon his lips. 

“Indeed…” He agreed, shuffling closer to me so his head was rested on top of mine. “I didn’t hurt you at all, did I? I know I was a little rough…” 

We were now practically whispering in each other’s ears because of how close we were. “I don’t really remember. I am a bit sore.” I chuckled lowly, letting Brian know that the soreness was a trophy of how good he was and not a mark of him being reckless. All the while, I was tracing my fingertips over his skin, moving lower to the part of his body that was needy for attention. He sighed, his breath lingering on my shoulder. 

“You, Maria, are a tease.” 

“I know.” 

I kept my lips rested against his ear when I gently took him in my hand, fingers wrapped around his girth. His hips immediately bucked up into my grip, the unintentional movement earning a gasp from his own mouth. There weren’t many words exchanged during our morning encounter; only the hot breaths from both of us, and the lewd noises that soon arose from my increasing speed on Brian’s length. The pre-cum on his tip slicked onto my hand, allowing me to drag it down his cock. He huffed, making a huge effort to stay as quiet as possible. 

“Don’t be quiet, Bri…” I whispered, peppering his jaw with kisses. “I apparently wasn’t very quiet last night.” This made Brian groan lowly. I giggled against his skin. “There it is… I love hearing you moan; it’s music to my ears. I could listen to it forever.” 

“Oh, fuck.” Brian sighed, leaning his head back as he moved his arm tighter around me, pressing me harder against him. His fingertips grazed over my backside, sending ripples of shivers up my back. I took this new position as an opportunity to suck and bite the skin of his neck, hoping to get him back for the mess he’d left on me many times. 

The muscles in my arm started to burn as I’d reached a steady rhythm on Brian’s cock, squeezing my fist occasionally, and running my thumb over his tip. His chest was heaving up and down, his free arm splayed out on the bed next to him. My Brian looked so beautiful in the throes of ecstasy. 

“I’m close, Ria.” He grunted through clenched teeth, digging his nails into the skin of my lower back. 

“I know you are.” I grinned against his neck, shifting my head to rest on the other side, being able to peer under the covers as I watched myself wank him off. “That’s it, baby… Cum for me.” 

I heard him let out a strangled cacophony of moans, grunts and groans as his hips thrashed upwards, thick spurts of Brian’s load shooting onto the covers and my hand, dripping down his veiny length and onto his lower abdomen. I let out a small moan of my own at the sheer sight. I slowly finished him off, helping him ride out his orgasm before pulling my hand upwards and out from under the covers. I pulled myself away from Brian’s sweaty form, brining my hand up to my mouth and cleaning it off. He watched with hooded eyelids, and a slightly open mouth before he pushed the back of my head towards him, smashing his lips against mine. 

We shared a heated kiss laced with love, and it was ruined as quick as it started. From outside, in the upstairs hallway, Fred had made it his mission to make sure everyone was ‘bright-eyed and bushy tailed’ by ten. I pulled away from Brian, softly breaking the kiss. He gave me a soft smile, bringing his hand up to push some hair away from my face. 

“You look so good in my clothes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please leave a lot of love and share this around! Whilst I do completely and utterly appreciate all the love and support I get on this book, I am slightly upset at the lack of attention it gets, despite the heaps of energy and effort I actually put into it! So, please, help a gal out and tell your friends, share it around, it'll honestly mean the world to me. There's nothing I love more than creating collective enjoyment. 
> 
> I love you all, stay safe and stay kind. 
> 
> Carys x


	37. my yorkshire lass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy this update. It's a lot of fun! And hopefully you gain a little bit of insight into Maria's mindset and her past. 
> 
> Stay safe, be kind. 
> 
> Carys x

June 1966

I leaned against the wall, tights getting stuck on the old wooden bench as I watched my friends debate over The Beach Boys. I always liked getting the end spot at the dinner table, especially when it was summer, the sun beaming down at the school and allowing us to sit outside rather than in the cramped hall.

“I’m just telling you that Dennis is the one who brings everything together. Don’t you listen to music? The drums are the most important part!” Emma squealed, shoving a mouthful of pasta from her plate into her mouth. “Drummers are hot!” She spat through the food. I grimaced at her, hoping I was out of the way of any potential bits flying at me.

“Oh my God, don’t talk with food in your mouth, it’s gross!” A friend covered her face, moving backwards, almost falling off the bench. I cackled to myself. “And no, I think you’ll find it’s Brian Wilson, my baby, that’s the best, thank you very much.”

“Maria, back me up on this.” Emma pleaded with a now empty mouth. “Dennis is the best member in The Beach Boys.”

My eyes flicked to our other two friends, before sighing and sitting up properly. “I don’t really care about the members too much, I literally just like their music. But if I had to choose one of them, I’d say Brian Wilson. Sorry, Em.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, swigging out of her bottle of water.

The friend sat beside me laughed at Emma’s reaction. “Why Brian?”

“I like the name Brian, so I based it on the names.” I smirked to myself, looking down at my plate. As Emma and the others fought over their preferences, I took it as an opportunity to rip a small piece of bread out of my sandwich and push it past my lips.

Everyone’s staring at you, Maria.

“Nobody’s staring at you, Brian! I only said something because it’s not the kind of scarf you usually wear.”

“You’re laughing at my style choices - I see how it is.”

“We’re literally Freddie Mercury’s best friends – how can I judge anybody on their fashion choices?”

“Ah, but there’s a difference! I’m straight, and he’s… Not so straight.”

I looked at my boyfriend with a small smirk on my face. “I thought you said nobody really knew.”

He sighed, dragging his foot over a pebble as we walked, kicking it to the side. “I know, but it’s not exactly subtle, is it? Anybody with a brain cell can tell.”

His words hung on my shoulders, and I took in the midday London air before I replied. “Do you think it’s obvious in everyone?” I glanced at him. “Someone’s sexuality?”

“I don’t go around purposefully looking for that. I don’t think anybody’s sexuality should determine your friendship status with that person. But I notice it when somebody isn’t that bothered about hiding it. At least around their friends. You know yourself that Freddie doesn’t hide who he is from us. And if any of my other friends told me they were gay, it wouldn’t make me think any less of them; I’d respect them and admire them for actually saying it. I think the world’s beginning to accept the gays now. We’re not there yet, but we’ve made some progress. Sorry, I’m rambling. Why did you ask, love?” He looked down at me, his hand squeezing mine.

I swallowed thickly, shrugging my shoulders. “No reason.” I changed the subject. “Can I ask you something?”

Brian chuckled at my quick change of topic and looked back ahead of him once again. “You can ask me absolutely anything.”

I chewed on my lip, accidentally ripping a bit of skin off the top layer – I’d done that before in the past; a terrible habit of mine. “Have you noticed anything—”

“The bakery’s open!” Brian pointed in the direction of said shop, and I instantly spotted the fresh cinnamon buns in the front window. “Sorry for interrupting you – I just got excited.” He blushed hard, almost looking down guiltily as if he’d committed the worst crime known to man.

“Can we get a cinnamon bun? I’m hungry now.” I smiled at him, snapping him from his embarrassed state. “You don’t have to apologise for interrupting me. Cinnamon buns are an important business.” I stuck out my tongue through my smile and tightened the grip on Brian’s hand, pulling him in the direction of the bakery.

This was the day I learned that both Brian and I were just as stubborn as each other. It wasn’t a lie that Brian had much more money than I did, yet we still bickered over who paid for the cinnamon buns we eventually bought. I won (I ended up paying), or lost, depending on how you want to view it. I sucked some icing off of my index finger as we continued our journey back to mine and Emma’s flat.

“I’m so glad I can actually eat this.” I sighed in relief, looking down at the pastry in my hands.

“What do you mean?” Brian asked me quizzically.

“Well, I’ve always had a little bit of a fear of eating in public, or in front of people. I think it stems from high school. I was a bit slower at eating than my friends and I hated it when the teachers came around to pick up rubbish and told my friends to leave because they were finished. It was embarrassing, I guess. I’d be left on my own, and then my head would tell me people were watching me eat and shit. You already know I was insecure about my weight, and I still am. I can’t eat in front of people I don’t know. If I do eat in front of you, you know you’re on good terms with me and you’re someone I consider special.”

“Oh… That’s good, then. You never need to feel insecure around me, Ria. I have established many, many times that I think you are the most exquisite creature to have ever walked this Earth and I won’t be taking that back any time soon.”

I rolled my eyes: my coping mechanism for being complimented in public. Thankfully, Brian knew that and didn’t get offended by my reaction. He simply laughed, showing off his pointy, pearly whites and took in a deep breath of fresh air.

“Besides…” I continued, with a small smile on my face. “If I didn’t eat soon, I’d throw up. Hangovers aren’t nice to me.”

“Oh, I’m aware. I found out the day I met you. You know, when you were sick in the bin in your lecture room?”

“I hate you, don’t bring that up.” I pouted up at him, giving him puppy eyes I knew he was weak for.

“You don’t hate me; you love me.” He teased, poking his free hand into my side, making me squirm. I had to apologise to some of the pedestrians I found myself bumping into on the street.

“Yes, I do love you and that’s why I let you off for teasing me like that.”

He just laughed, leaning into me and placing messy kisses on my face. When our giggles and laughter died down, we returned to holding hands, with our bakery goodness in our other hands. “What were you saying before, love? You were going to ask me something.”

“Oh, um…” I licked my lips, savouring the sweet cinnamon on them. “Have you noticed anything off with Emma lately?”

“Besides the fact that she isn’t a nice person?” Brian raised an eyebrow, taking a bite out of his treat.

I playfully glared at him, shaking my head. “She’s a nice person – she just… She’s going through a lot. You know, with the drinking problem and stuff… But I mean aside from how she’s been acting with me. She disappeared to the bathroom last night for like half an hour and came back dazed out of her mind. You don’t think she’s been doing dangerous stuff, do you?”

Brian’s eyebrows rose momentarily in shock, but trailed his eyes off ahead of us, pouting his lips into that little expression he made whenever he was thinking about something. “I won’t lie to you. I never really pay much attention to anything Emma does. I’m nice to her and I only talk to her when I have to. She is my best friend’s girlfriend and my girlfriend’s best friend. You know I’m not one to argue or get involved…”

“Maybe I’m looking into things too much. With everything that’s going on, my brain has just been all over the place. Kind of lost sense of reality a little bit. Now that exam season is over, I just have coursework to finish and that’s… I can’t even distract myself with that because of how stressful it is to please the people who need to be pleased.” It was my turn to ramble now, and I quickly noticed it. I huffed, shaking my head and biting into my cinnamon bun.

“That’s why your head is all over the place.” I looked at him in confusion. “You spend so much of your time bothering over what everyone else is doing. You use your energy making sure everyone else is okay. You forget to look after yourself sometimes, Maria, and I’m not having it any longer.” His scolding was fake, but what did catch me off guard was the cheeky wink he sent my way during the last sentence. I couldn’t help but blush. He chuckled at me, wrapping his long and slender arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him as we walked. “Seriously, though. I just want you to be safe. And happy. And if there’s any way I can help make that become a reality, I’m right there with you, sweetheart.”

I didn’t say much on the matter after that. We carried on walking for a few more minutes and Imperial soon came back into sight. I grimaced, mentally, as reality seeped back in. “Isn’t it weird?” I asked my boyfriend.

“Isn’t what weird?”

“Seeing uni when you come to see me? After leaving?”

“Well, I haven’t really left properly yet. See, I still need to complete a certain percentage of my thesis before I can put it on hiatus. Otherwise, they’ll reject it and I’d have to start it all again, whenever I decide to return to it. I won’t be going as much as I used to, you know with the practical elements of the course, but I’ll still be attending the odd theory lesson. Though, I’ve indulged myself in personal learning, I don’t think I’ll be needing to go as much.”

I tried to take all of his words in, and I’m sure I managed to understand through my irritable hangover and the still sore stiffness Brian had left in between my legs from the night before. “Oh.” I simply said, nodding slowly. “When do you think you’ll be done?”

“I think I’m going to wait until everyone leaves in June. Saves people having to pull out paperwork and documents when they don’t have to. Besides, that means more chance of seeing you in your element.”

“My element being talking about Don Arden and John Reid for ten-thousand words?”

“Precisely.”

The rest of our journey was spent talking about nonsense things to sensical things: which star is yours, why the moon landing was one of the best experiences of his life, reminiscing about that hedgehog we’d saved from the rain, talking about my tendency to get nervous over every little thing ever. That was one of my favourite things about dating Brian: I could always hold a conversation with him for as long as we wanted. Sometimes conversations with other people could dip into awkward waters and I could become uncomfortable in the space of five minutes. That’s how you know you’ve found your soulmate.

When we got back to the flat, it was agreed that Brian was to stay for a while before he headed back to Sinclair Road. Time with Brian was time well spent. He followed close behind me as we made our way down the narrow hallway of mine and Emma’s floor.

“You’ll have to excuse the state the flat is in.” I said, sticking the key in the lock and turning it. I was instantly stopped in my tracks by the sealed envelope in the doorway. I bent down to pick it up, scanning over the address written over the front of it. It was a letter addressed to me. I kept it in my hand was we entered the flat. Within a few steps, there was a faint smell of the red wine spilt on the kitchen floor from the day before. Emma had cleaned it up a bit, but you couldn’t help the stain that remained, and hence the smell. “Obviously didn’t have time to tidy everything since our row yesterday.” I even noticed myself how my tone had deflated through my amateur explanation of yesterday’s events.

Brian shut the door behind me as I waded through the flat to take in just how much of a mess Emma made. I threw my jacket on the sofa and stood facing the kitchen with my arms crossed. If Brian had responded to my previous words, I wouldn’t have heard them. “That lass is walking on thin fucking ice, I swear to God.”

I heard a soft chuckle beside me, but instead of standing there out of awkwardness like he usually did, Brian strode over to the cupboard above the kitchen counter, and pulled out a couple of sponges and some stain remover. He draped his own coat and his scarf over the empty clothes horse and turned around. He rolled his sleeves up to his elbows.

“What are you doing?” I asked through a laugh and slight confusion.

“I’m going to try and get this stain out for you, so you don’t have to worry about it.”   
My heart. “That’s really nice and sweet of you, but it’s my flat. It’s not fair if I make you do the cleaning.” I shook my head, walking over to him, but stopped dead in my tracks as he put his hand out in front of him. “Brian…”

“Don’t ‘Brian’ me. You go do what you need to do and I’ll do this.”

“Um, I will ‘Brian’ you, Brian. Let me do it.” I insisted, picking up the box of stain remover.

He lunged forward to take the box off me but when I clung onto it, he jabbed his fingers into my sides and tickled me relentlessly, causing my grip on the box to weaken and an opportunity for him to snatch it from me arise. He did so and held it above his head. I tried my best to grab it from him, reaching up onto my tip toes and even jumping at one point, but it was no use; my boyfriend was so smugly tall, there was no way I was getting that box of stain remover from his hands.

“Stop being so stubborn, May.”

“You’re the stubborn one here, Brennan. By the way, you sound so Yorkshire when you’re all riled up.” He teased with a smug smirk on his face when he realised that I had given up.

“Yeah, well… That’s not the only part of me that’s Yorkshire, y’know…” I trailed off, walking away from Brian and his need for domestic duties. “We can throw punches, Hampton-boy.”

“Why don’t you save that type of energy for another time, sweetheart?”

I turned around and glared at my boyfriend, who was now on his knees and getting to work on the stain. I chose not to answer him, and give him the satisfaction of winning this one. Even though I was a sore loser…

“Good girl.”

I almost didn’t catch that last bit, but I did. And I wish I didn’t, because the entire time I was straightening up the rest of the flat, it kept replaying over and over in my head. It made me forget about everything else, though, so perhaps Brian’s budding dominance in our everyday lives was a good thing in the long-run.

By the time I had finished replacing the sheets and pillow cases on the bed in the bedroom, I found Brian lounging on the sofa, head leaned back and mind deep in thought.

“You get the stain out, then?”

“Mhm.”

“Was it easier than expected?”

“Mhm.”

“Did I do a good job with the rest of the flat?”

“Mhm.”

“…. Are you gay?”

“Mhm—Wait, no!” His head snapped forward, his eyebrows furrowed. I burst out laughing at his panicked expression.

“Oh, don’t worry, Poodle, I won’t tell anyone.” I joked.

“Shut up…” He shook his head with a small smile across his face. “You have done a good job with the flat. Though, I think the sofa is missing something.”

“What?”

I was suddenly pulled onto the sofa, slotted comfortably underneath Brian. I giggled uncontrollably at his giddiness. “That’s better.” He sighed, nestling his head into my neck.

After a while of being cuddled up with each other, my fingers raking through the soft curls on Brian’s head, I spoke lowly. “How’s the album coming along?”

“Really good, I think.” He answered into my skin, only audible for me.

“You think?”

“I’m sure it’ll all be okay in the end. You know me. I’m just nervous.”

“Hey…” I lifted his head and caressed his face in my hands, marvelling over his true beauty before speaking. “You have absolutely nothing to be nervous about, babes. If the rest of the album is as good as what I’ve heard of it so far, which I’m sure it is, you’ll be alright. In fact, I know people will refer to 1973 as the year Queen released their debut album. You are making a mark on history with the boys, and you know that. Don’t get into your own head. You’re doing just fine as you are, my love.” I stroked my thumb over the slight stubble on his chin (he hadn’t shaved that morning).

Brian didn’t need to question me or speak much further, because he knew I was right.

“Do you love me?”

This question, however, caught me off guard. He’d never seemed so insecure about my love and affection for him before.

“Well… The short answer is yes, I do love you. And the long answer is: Yes, I really, really, really, really, really, really do love you.”

“I believe you, and I love you too, but that sarcasm was unnecessary.”

“Once again, I am a Yorkshire lass.”

“Yeah, my Yorkshire lass.”

I giggled, pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose. “Yep… Your Yorkshire lass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> What do you think of Emma and Maria's relationship? Do you think they'll resolve the issue? What's Emma doing in private? Hmm... 
> 
> How are we feeling about Brian and Maria's relationship? Do you ship it? Is it beautiful? Or are they polar opposites and not meant to be? 
> 
> Finally, what are our thoughts on the man in the trenchcoat? Any suspicions? 
> 
> I'm working on a Queen One Shot book, so send your requests in, lovies. 
> 
> I'm very tired so I think I'm going to head to bed. I have a quiz and fifty pounds to win at 7 so wish me luck!
> 
> Love you all, thank you for all the support and love!
> 
> Carys x


	38. a bit of Dutch courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update, lovies. I'm sorry it's taken a while, my motivation has just shot down haha. 
> 
> Enjoy and make sure to leave them lovely comments I enjoy reading so much. They really make my day!
> 
> Carys x

April 1973

Brian

I huffed in annoyance, glancing at the rear-view mirror as I drove steadily down the roads of Kensington. “You’re an idiot.” 

Roger rolled his eyes in the backseat, resting his arm across it. “Why did you have to bring Deacy with you?” 

“Because I didn’t know the way, Roger, that’s why. You’re giving me money for the damn petrol; I was not planning to drive all the way to Hammersmith to pick you up.” I snapped, my eyes irritatingly heavy from the lack of sleep I’d been getting. “We’ve left the others alone with vodka and I’m sure they’ll be less than sober when we get back.” 

“Calm ya’ knickers, mate. Christ, I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” Roger grumbled, gazing out of the window. He was one of my best friends, sure, but I honestly could have pulled the car over and knocked some of his teeth out right then and there. I couldn’t believe he didn’t see what was wrong with what he had done. 

“Seriously?” I glared back at him momentarily, hands gripping onto the steering wheel. “John, I swear to God… Talk to him, or I will batter him.” I said through gritted teeth. 

John did so, sighing and turning in his seat. “We’re recording an album, Roger. I don’t know if you had forgotten that whilst you were down in Hammersmith for God knows what reason. Who lives in Hammersmith for you to be there?” There was a silence as Roger refused to answer. I listened in on the conversation, don’t you worry. The silence made me anxious though. John had a point. Why was Roger even in Hammersmith long enough for us to have to leave the studio and pick him up so he could actually join us in recording our ALBUM? John sighed once more. “Stop being pathetic and just answer the question; it’s not that difficult.” No answer. “Roger, why were you in Hammersmith?” 

“I was seeing a friend, if you must know.” I could see through the mirror that he was refusing to look Deacy in the eye. I literally wanted to crash the car out of the frustration bubbling up in my chest. It was rare that anybody could pull at my strings, and push my buttons like this – but with the lack of sleep, the stress over the album and Roger’s relentless refusal of talking to us rationally like a human being, I just couldn’t help but feel niffed at his attitude. 

“Roger Meddows Taylor, if you don’t just tell us what you were doing within the next ten seconds, I’ll pull this car over and smack the living daylights out of you.” I warned him. He actually looked at me this time, taken back by my tone. 

“Daisy lives in Hammersmith.” 

I honestly couldn’t figure out if I was expecting it, if I was disgusted by it, or if I was taken back by it. It wasn’t even my business to worry or fuss over, but God, I thought that ship had sailed. I didn’t say anything to him, however; he hated when I did that. When I didn’t acknowledge his words or ignored him, he got really riled up. But as you can probably tell, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to give a single fuck about that. 

“Oh, wow, so you really are an idiot, then.” John replied, to my surprise, and turned in the seat so he was facing the road ahead of us. We were just coming into Soho, so our journey to back to Trident wouldn’t be lasting that much longer. I was driving at the maximum speed limit in order to get back as quickly as possible. The thought of seeing Maria and Red put me at ease, and I reminded myself that all the pent-up frustrations I was feeling at that moment could be unleashed through music. That’s what I did and that’s what I was going to do. 

“You have to stop, Rog. You have a girlfriend, and a commitment.” I said, finalising the thoughts I could air without hurting anyone. 

“I know. And I feel bad. I’m going to try my best not to let it happen again.” Roger ran his hands over his flushed face. 

“Trying isn’t good enough, you just have to stop.” John reiterated. “You can’t hurt Emma again.” 

“She wouldn’t have been hurt the first time if you just kept your mouth shut, Deacy.” 

“Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t keep it in your trousers.” 

“Ladies, let’s not fight. We have an album to record.” I sighed. “Let’s just… Forget about it for now. It was a mistake, a bad mistake,” I added before Roger could interject and thank me. “But Fred said he has something to show us and I don’t think feeding into all this drama will help us progress in any way. Roger, calm yourself down. And John… Just… Don’t provoke him.” I felt like I was scolding children at this point. Not a job I signed up for. 

The rest of the car journey was relatively quiet, with us only making small talk for a minority of it. We’d pointed out the new road signs that had been put up, the Roman Review Bar was being renovated, and charity workers lined the streets with buckets and leaflets that people would be ignorant enough to pass by. 

I pulled into the car park of Trident and switched off the ignition with a sigh, clearing my throat. “Remember, no more funny business or arguing when we get inside. Can’t be arsed with any more shit today…” I mumbled the last part, sliding out the car and shoving the keys into my pocket. I heard the others muttering to each other when I didn’t wait for them to get out the car and already started walking towards reception. 

When I got inside, I simply nodded at the receptionist and hoped I wouldn’t have to make small talk with her, but she held up her hand and called me back as I passed by her. I bit down on both my lips and backed up, putting on a nice smile. “Yes?” 

“You’re in studio D, aren’t you?” She asked, pointing at me with her pen. 

“Yeah. Why?” 

“Oh, right. I walked past about five minutes ago and I heard a female singing, and I just got confused. Sorry, apologies. Have a nice day, Brian.” 

I scrunched my eyebrows up and nodded slowly, John and Roger finally catching up to me. “Thanks…” 

“What was that?” Roger asked behind me, looking confused himself. I just shrugged my shoulders and hummed in a tone that translated into ‘I don’t know’. But the receptionist was right. As we approached studio D, a female singing voice became more and more prevalent. It was muffled by the door and the walls, but you could just absorb the tone and control in full effect even in the throes of its low frequencies. 

He bad production, he got walrus gumboot, he got Ono sideboard, he got spinal cracker… 

There was so much attitude and feeling in the voice as we approached the studio door. Then I opened it. And over in the live room, by the piano, was Maria, my Maria, singing Come Together with all that power, Freddie pressing along at the keys. 

They didn’t seem to notice us when the three of us walked in and closed the doors, and we gave them more time to perform for us, so to speak. My eyes wouldn’t leave Maria’s form as I watched her the confidence that I only got to see in private pour out of her in gallons in the form of a beautiful voice. This was what she’s been hiding from me? I couldn’t help but slowly grin as she tapped her foot along to the rhythm of the song and when she flipped her hair to the side – she had it loose and free that day, so her thick dark brown locks cascaded down her sides and her back, the ends settling just above the curve of her backside, which was once again clad in those jeans I loved on her so much. This was the Maria I wanted her to be: who she truly was, but was just too afraid to show it.

I wasn’t totally ignorant to the fact that she and Freddie had had more than a few drinks whilst we were gone, but you know, they don’t call it Dutch courage for nothing. 

Roger sat himself down next to Emma, putting his arm around her and pulling her form into him. She looked miserable, as always. She turned to him and spoke close to his face, loud enough for us all to hear. 

“They’ve been going at it for ages, Roggie.” It came out as a whine that I could’ve easily grimaced at if I had the heart, or the energy. “I’ve been sat here alone, and I had to listen to them go on and on.” 

“Sorry, lovie, I had to see a friend about some old text books.” 

I rolled my eyes at their sickening conversation, my previous demeanour now settling back in. When I looked back over at Freddie and Maria, they had noticed us and Maria had her hands partially covering her face. If I was in a better mood, I would have sauntered into the live room and took my girlfriend into my arms and told her how perfect she was. But that’s just not what was going to happen. I let my frustrations boil over and cloud how I felt about Maria and she shuffled into the control room, clearly flustered and embarrassed. But when I saw her, close up, face red and her eyes as innocent as ever, I had to pour my heart out to her. How could I not? 

As Freddie struck up conversation with the producer and Deacy, I took Maria’s hands and lead her out into the hallway. I just needed some time alone with her. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you could sing that good?” I kept one of her smaller hands in mine, squeezing it for comfort. I brought my other hand up to her hair, tucking a soft strand behind her ear – I let my fingertips trace her skin as I lowered my palm to her cheek. She leant into my touch momentarily, a small smile on her perfect face. 

“I don’t know…” She shrugged shyly. “I didn’t think anyone would care.” 

“You’re silly, love. Thousands of people would pay decent money for someone with your voice to stand on a stage and sing to them for two hours.” I forced a larger smile than I could naturally manage in the moment. However, there was no duping my Maria. There was a heavy and anxious silence between us as her eyes became less innocent and more analytical. She looked over my features, her eyebrows scrunching up in a relaxed fashion. 

“What’s wrong?” Her voice was soft, but entirely laced with concern. 

I swallowed thickly, looking up and at anything to distract me. Maybe if I showed less of my weakness, the less I’ll have to bore her with my issues. “Nothing, I’m fine.” 

“Bollocks.” She spat back almost immediately. 

“Ria, I just… I’m just stressed. About the album, about university, everything. It all seems too good to be true.” I still looked anywhere but my girlfriend’s eyes. That was until she reached up and caressed my jaw in her hand, guiding my head downwards so I had no choice but to stare her in the eyes. It was my turn to lean into her touch and she walked closer to me. It was such an intimate embrace. 

“It’s okay… You’ll be okay. I told you all this already, you need to stop worrying, Bri. You’re amazing. You know me, I could suck your dick, metaphorically, for hours because of how much I believe in Queen, but you have to start believing it yourself, sweetheart.” Her thumb stroked over my bottom lip and I couldn’t help but let my eyes flutter shut at her soft touch. For a moment in time, I was completely engulfed by her physicality and her voice (a fresh change from the usual Southern I was witnessed to on a daily basis). 

“I think it’s the album. It’s at the back of my mind all the time, I guess.” I looked back down at her and took a deep breath, before taking her face in my hands. I leaned down and rested my forehead against hers. “I’ve been off all day… I keep snapping at everybody. Seeing you has calmed me down somewhat.” My voice dropped and I saw her face light up. And that’s when my stomach swirled in glorious thrills of butterflies. “God, you’re beautiful…” I whispered against her face. She let out an airy giggle. Her breath was laced in bubble-mint. 

“Stop it!” She grinned, her cheeks burning bright red and she hid her face in my shoulder. I laughed at her shyness and pulled her into a tight hug, resting my chin on her head. The embrace lasted a few minutes and just as I had the idea to head back inside the studio, Maria pulled away from me with an occupied and passive expression. 

“Um…” She said shakily, pulling away from me completely and leaning against the wall, her fingers fiddling with each other. “I should probably tell somebody…” She mumbled, more to herself than to me. 

I furrowed my eyebrows and tilted my head to the side, crossing my arms comfortably. “Tell somebody what? You know you can tell me anything, love.” 

“So…” She started, leaning her head back against the wall and looking up and around her. “You know that letter I got when you last came to the flat?” I nodded. “It was from my mum.” 

“Oh, that’s nice of her. Is she okay—” 

“No, you don’t understand.” She looked dead at me. “My mum never writes letters to anybody unless it’s life-changing important.” 

I’d seen Maria anxious; I’d seen her through some of her worst panic attacks, I’d seen her cry in laughter, in love, in sadness, I’d seen her in the throes of ecstasy, I’d seen her concentrated, hard at work, and determined. This was the first time I saw her scared. 

“She didn’t say much. She just… Told me not to ring her for a while and she’ll ring me when ‘it’s time’. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. Don’t get me wrong, my mum is an actual psychopath sometimes, but she’s never been so frantic and vague at the same time in a letter. I just have to wait for a fucking phone call from her for God knows how long so she can tell me whatever this important thing is. So, like, it’s another thing to get stressed about.” There were tears in her eyes at this point. “Why can’t things just be easy for me for once?” 

Readers, I would like to take this time to tell you that whatever your opinion is of my Maria as of right now, there’s no denying that she taught me about the importance of mental health and acknowledging it as a life-changing element of somebody, no matter what it may look like on the surface. Had I been on the outside, looking in, totally unaware of Maria, I’d say she had a pretty decent life. But you can never tell what’s going on in somebody’s head. You can never tell what past they had that’s lead them to where they are now. I was ignorant before I met Maria. 

It wasn’t the time to pull her into a hug and tell her everything was going to be okay and that I’d be there for her no matter what; neither of us knew what was to come. We were enlightened, yet unenlightened at the same time. I told her I loved her and she reciprocated it and we went back inside. 

“Oh, darlings! I was just about to come and get you.” Freddie chimed from the mixing desk. “I’ve been working on a little diddy without your knowing. Let’s just say I finessed my way into getting extra studio time.” A small smirk on his face said it all.

Maria and I stood by the amps, Roger and Emma alert on the sofa, John and Freddie at the mixing desk with our producer. I listened on. As did everyone else. For the next two minutes we indulged ourselves in Freddie’s masterpiece. Granted, it was rough and quickly put together, but the ideas he had construed together were just delightful. It opened with a fun piano riff and continued on with imaginative chords played at impeccable rhythms. It always amazed me how in-time Freddie’s piano playing was. 

“Of course, darlings, I need all of you to input your own little tricks and twists, but I think we have a good one on our hands.” 

“It’s definitely different sounding, Fred.” I nodded, impressed with the work he was putting into this project. “You got a name for it, yet?” 

“Of course, I have, darling.” He leaned back on the mixing desk, folding his arms. 

“Lo and behold… The Seven Seas of Rhye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Make sure to leave some love and let me know your thoughts on everything that's been going on! 
> 
> What's been your favourite chapter so far? 
> 
> What are your thoughts on Roger and Emma's relationship? 
> 
> And, finally, what do we think about Maria's hidden talent? 
> 
> I love you all, I sincerely hope you're all safe and well. Be kind to each other. 
> 
> Carys x


	39. ruin me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for leaving you all without an update for like a week or something, my brain has been all over the place! 
> 
> I hope this chapter really makes up for my absence - it's extra long for you all ;) 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter more than anything. I enjoyed writing it. A lot.
> 
> As if I need to say this but.... *MATURE CONTENT WARNING - THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY NSFW, NC-17, 18+, ALL OF THAT STUFF, SO READ WITH YOUR OWN CAUTION*
> 
> Additional warning: *daddy kink ahead, just to forewarn you*
> 
> Enjoy, babies, and make sure to leave me some feedback and love. 
> 
> Carys x

May 1973

Too many things to do, too little time. Fuck, what if I’ve done it wrong? What if I’ve convinced myself I’m doing something completely different to what I’m supposed to be doing? Do I have enough to buy some more pasta? What if I’ve been completely reckless with the money? Emma will never forgive me. She’ll move out. And Brian will see what an incompetent, disorganised mess I am and leave me. How long until my pen runs out? Should I invest in some new ones? Wait, my paper isn’t stacked straight, let me—Shut up, Maria, don’t be so stupid. Have I eaten? Should I eat? Look at yourself, you’re a mess, there’s nothing wrong with skipping a meal or two. Or three. You don’t have time to focus on anything else, you dumb piece of s—

“Here you go, love. No milk and three sugars, like always.” Brian settled a mug of coffee on my desk, shutting the bedroom door behind him with his foot. He had purple socks on and I grilled him on his choice when he first arrived, even though I thought they were the cutest things in the world.

I chewed on my lower lip again, the metallic taste from before coming through sooner and stronger. I mumbled a short ‘thanks’ to Brian, who settled on my bed behind me. We were at the flat, as you can tell, and Emma was down at Sinclair Road. It became a thing at this point: the only time Emma and I saw each other was whenever we both had a coursework class at Imperial or when we all got together every now and then. Brian practically lived at the flat.

He’d leave parts of his wardrobe behind after staying over a few nights, so he had some stuff to come back to. His odd piece of jewellery hung up amongst my own. His shoes sat neatly besides mine in the hallway and his coat fused with my denim jacket. Ingredients for his own vegetarian concoctions in the fridge. He even kept his wooden acoustic perched against the corner walls of my bedroom. No agreement, no planning. It just happened.

I took a visual detour, setting my eyes on the steaming mug of coffee. There were three sugars in there. I needed all the sugar and caffeine I could get. The thing with me is that if I am in the mood to work on something, I need to do as much of that thing as possible because I don’t know when the next time I’ll have the motivation will be. But that also led to a tendency to obsess over said thing. In this case, that thing was my coursework. I started to remind myself of Brian when he would constantly stress and work over his thesis for his PhD.

I gulped down a quarter of the steaming hot coffee, not grimacing once at the burn it sent to my tongue and down my throat. When I went back to writing, the ache forming again in my right wrist, I felt an uncomfortable shiver travel up my spine and vulnerability took over me. I glanced to the side of me. “Stop watching me, Brian.” I couldn’t see him, but I just knew he was watching over me as I worked. And it made me nervous.

“I’m not.”

I scrunched up my eyebrows, turning in my seat and noticing that he was, in fact, perched at the headboard of my bed, his eyes focussed on a music magazine on his lap. I sighed to myself, angry at my brain for distracting me with something that didn’t exist.

“Sorry…” I mumbled, turning back to my work.

I can’t remember exactly how many minutes passed of me frantically writing, occasionally getting frustrated with my lack of care to count how many words I’d done and grimacing at the thought of me having to count them after I’d finished. But the thought of me finishing this dissertation seemed like something that could only be achieved in a dream.

My name being called out from just beside me drew me out of my busy-minded daze. I didn’t look at Brian, though, and I looked back over at my mind-maps I’d made back in October.

“Maria, darling, you’re overworking yourself, aren’t you?” Even though he was right beside me, he sounded like he was stood down the hallway, talking to me. Everything was so distant. “I’m a bit lonely over here, love.”

“I have to get this finished soon.” I didn’t. “I’ve been putting this off for too long.” I hadn’t. “I’m calm about it, don’t worry.” I wasn’t.

“I have an idea.” Brian said, shuffling closer to where I was sat, taking the pen out of my hand and settling it on the table. He pulled me up by my wrist and set himself down on the chair. Before I could question him though, he gently brought me down to sit on his lap, his chin resting on my shoulder. “This way you can do your work and I don’t feel abandoned.” His last point struck a chord in my heart, but the way he chuckled afterwards let me know he wasn’t genuinely hurt by it.

“You’re cute when you’re needy.” I absently picked my pen up again, finding comfort on Brian’s lap as I continued writing.

Whilst it seems lovely, our current position, I couldn’t help but fear that Brian was reading everything I was writing, judging every little word. Which, of course, wasn’t true at all; a man of his intellect just intimidated me at times. Out of pure anxiety, I found the foot that rested on the carpet tapping away at the floor subconsciously.

“How long have you been working on this?” Brian asked me, moving some hair away from my neck. He must have noticed my growing nervousness.

“What time is it now?”

“Four in the afternoon.”

“Seven hours? Almost?”

“Christ, Maria, you need a break.”

“I can’t have a break, Bri, because then I’ll lose the motivation to do it and who knows when I’ll next get around to doing this much on it at a time? I need to try and get as much done as possible.” I huffed, leaning forward on his lap to rest my elbows on the desk.

“You’re killing yourself, darling, you have to stop at some point.” I ignored him. He sighed in defeat and kept quiet for as long as he could afterwards. But it seemed to only last a few minutes, as his hands were now on my waist, squeezing gently as his lips came up beside my ear. “You know I’m right, though.”

I shifted my eyes to the side, furrowing my eyebrows. “Right about what?”

“You’re overworking.” He simply said, his soft lips tickling the skin under my ear. The little bastard knew he could get me like that. But I stood my ground. He wasn’t getting me that easily.

I hummed in response, shaking my head at his words. It wasn’t until his lips came in full contact with my exposed skin that my grip on my pen became looser and looser by the second. “Bri… I know what you’re doing.” I warned.

The hands that were gripped around my waist lowered to my hips, digging his fingertips into the soft denim-clad flesh. He pulled on my shirt and untucked it from my jeans, a fresh coolness working its way up my back just before it was replaced with the warmth of Brian’s hands. They travelled round to my stomach as I sat up fully on his lap and he stroked my skin under my shirt with such tenderness. The words on my paper were becoming blurry and I couldn’t focus on anything else but Brian’s long fingers dancing along just under my bra.

Dropping my pen, I leaned back against him, where I could feel the smug grin form on his face. “You’re such an arsehole.” He hummed through a chuckle in response, sliding his hands upwards at a tantalisingly slow pace. His opened up his legs in his seated position, in turn causing my own to open too. My breath hitched in my throat when one of his large hands closed itself around one of my bra-clad breasts, whilst the other played with the waistband of my jeans. 

“Are you going to take a break now?” He whispered. I nodded, finally agreeing with my heart that I did in fact need a rest as when I looked at anywhere but the paper, I felt overcome with dizziness and whenever my hand rested, it cramped up bad. “Good. Do you remember on your birthday…? You called me something different.”

I scrunched my eyebrows up, wondering why he wanted to have a bloody conversation whilst his hand was squeezing at my chest. “I-I don’t know… I kind of remember. I remember Freddie telling me something I didn’t know myself.” I laughed airily, before Brian ushered me off of him. He took my hand and brought me over to my bed, and we stood beside it. Brian’s hands rested on each sides of my neck as he leaned down to attach his lips to mine. As he pulled away, he mumbled against my skin. 

“Let me remind you, sweetheart.”

With that, he softly pushed me back on the bed, my head hitting the soft mattress below. Brian leaned over me, taking one of my cheeks in his hand. And that’s when he said it.

“I can’t stand seeing you all stressed out and tense. Let Daddy take care of you, princess.”

I let out a shaky breath, memories of that night coming back. I started to realise why Freddie was so amused at the idea of Brian and I having a daddy kink. How loud did I say it? I licked my lips, staring into his eyes, pupils blown with lust. I nodded my head as tingles and shivers took over my body. Brian grinned and immediately buried his face in the crook of my neck and left bruising kisses along my skin. I didn’t really know what to do with my hands, so they ended up resting on the bed either side of me.

Brian pulled away momentarily to look down at my submissive state, fingers toying with my buttons before unbuttoning them with care. His hands held onto my waist, moving his hips between my legs so I was completely in his hold. His lips continued down my chest and down the valley of my breasts, travelling to my stomach. His hands toyed with the zip and button on my jeans, struggling to undo them. I giggled, reaching down and helping him with it. I lifted my hips as he pulled my jeans off of my legs, foreign coldness hitting between my legs – it was obvious my arousal was growing by the second and the more time progressed, the more I could physically feel the wetness forming.

“God, you really are the most gorgeous human being in the world, aren’t you?” Brian said lowly, standing up and looking down at me. I leaned up on my elbows to get a better look at him when he pulled his shirt over his head, exposing his slightly toned and slim build. The way his fluffy hair framed his head and created the silhouette of a god above me killed me. Noticing my wandering gaze over his body, he leaned forward to rest on his hands, hovering above me. He pressed a longing kiss to my lips, stopping between movements to mumble how he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was. This lasted a good five minutes before he lowered himself on his knees at the end of the bed. He pulled me by my hips so I was perched on the edge, legs hung over his shoulders.

Brian was a tease. Whilst he was the sweetest man on Earth to me, in private, in his comfort zone, he was the most tantalising creature in the universe. He took delicate note of what made me squirm, what made me mewl, what made me shiver and he made sure he’d create a method to make me do all three things at once. As his head hovered over my aching heat, my underwear now discarded somewhere across the room, his hot breath made contact with everywhere but where I needed him.

He pressed small nibbles and kisses to my thighs, legs, anywhere but there.

“Please…” I whispered, voice slightly breaking out of desperation. He lifted his head up to look at me.

“Please what, angel?”

At first, I couldn’t tell if he wanted me to tell him what I wanted him to do, or if he wanted me to call him by that very taboo name that we loved so much under the surface. But the little smile he gave me told me it was the latter. I bit down on my lip, reaching down and lacing my fingers in his curls. I pushed some of the loose curls from his face so both his eyes were on show. Batting my eyelashes, I tilted my head to the side as I looked down at him. “Please, daddy.”

Brian swallowed thickly, his eyelids drooping slightly at my words. “Anything for you, my love.” He lowered his head and a sudden rush of pleasure enveloped my entire body. I fell back on the bed, my head resting on the sheets as Brian’s tongue worked its magic. I let out an airy moan, closing my eyes and relishing the feeling of his tongue working slow and steady patterns around my aching bundle of nerves.

I felt one of his hands searching for mine and our fingers were soon intertwined together as his actions became more erratic by the second. His mouth was a suction cup and I was the victim. His other hand travelled down my thigh and I frowned when he pulled his mouth away. He watched his own actions intensely as he ran his middle finger through the slick wetness he’d created, pressing down on my clit and causing me to flinch at the sudden pressure. He soon pushed the long digit past my entrance and inside me.

I inhaled sharply, pushing myself up on my elbows again and watching as he inserted his ring finger afterwards, the two digits sliding in and out of me with ease. His eyes flickered up at me when I let out a louder moan than the ones I’d been choking out before. I squeezed his hand in mine when he returned to lapping at my clit with a smirk on his face.

The next few minutes were enriched in pure ecstasy: my legs were limp on his shoulders, and his fingers were thrusting in and out of me at an almost rapid pace. Almost. I furrowed my eyebrows, biting down on my lip harshly as I shot the hand that wasn’t attached to Brian’s to his hair, pulling gently at the roots. My hips lifted subconsciously and a string of unfiltered whines and whimpers left my mouth.

“Fuck, Bri, don’t stop. I’m so close.” I moaned, falling back once again and letting the master do his work. I arched my back off the mattress and this gave Brian the opportunity to let go of my hand and hook his arm underneath my shaking form, keeping me in place so I had no choice but to take the pleasure. He pulled his face away enough for me to hear him talk, but his fingers were still going strong.

“Yeah? You’re close?” He kissed my core. “You going to come for me? Come for daddy?” He went back to assaulting my clit, knowing the answer.

“Yeah…” I whined, my chest practically heaving up and down as my breathing pattern sped up. “Please, oh my God, it feels so good, daddy…” I didn’t know where the filth came from, but it felt right, and Brian obviously liked it as he growled against me, sending shocks of vibrations to my most sensitive part and my orgasm hit me like a tonne of bricks. I gripped onto the bedsheets for dear life, trying my hardest to prolong my moment of pleasure. My eyes rolled back and my jaw hung slack. Brian helped me ride out my high, curling his fingers inside me before gently pulling them out. He gave my body small kisses as he travelled back up it.

I fluttered my eyes open to see him staring lovingly down at me, as though he was analysing my recovery with great amusement. He didn’t avert his gaze as he slipped his two fingers into his own mouth, cleaning them up and lowly grunting at the taste.

“You taste like heaven, angel.” He murmured, leaning down to press a sloppy kiss to my lips. His tongue slid right past my lips, softly yet urgently grazing it over my own. I could taste myself on his tongue as I returned the passion in the kiss, bringing a withered hand up to hold the back of his neck to keep him in place.

Another thrill rippled through me as he rested his hips on mine; I could feel his hardness protruding through the velvety texture of his trousers. I whined into his mouth, making him chuckle into mine and pull away. He licked his lips and looked over me. “Move up a bit, Ria, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” He gestured his head towards the pillows at the head of the bed and I complied, shuffling myself up the bed until my head was rested between the two pillows.

“You know I can move myself if I’m uncomfortable, right?” I half-joked, smirking up at him as he rid himself of his trousers, his bulge even more notable through his briefs. I pressed my legs together, in hopes of some relief until he was inside me again, gently nibbling on my finger as he made a big deal out of removing his underwear.

I tried my best to catch the moan that fell from my lips when his cock was finally freed, springing up against his stomach. My cheeks burned in embarrassment over my unfiltered want, but it only seemed to fuel Brian more. He wrapped his own hand around his length, giving it slow strokes as he looked over me.

“Brian, stop it…” I almost growled, my core throbbing for attention again. “Please…”

He laughed under his breath, kneeling on the bed in front of me. I still had my legs pressed together, not even bothering to hide my desperation anymore. He moved one of my legs to the side with his free hand so my thighs were no longer rubbing against one another and the want was agonising.

“I didn’t realise I’d gotten you so riled up, sweetheart. I suppose I should probably do something to fix that, shouldn’t I?” His rhetorical question made me pout and nod, my hips shifting upwards to emphasise my actions. “So needy, aren’t we? What kind of boyfriend would I be to leave my Princess—fuck— high and dry?” I could have screamed at his teasing, his words affecting me in ways I’d never thought possible.

“Please…” I moaned again. “I need to feel you inside me again.” I pleaded, much to his satisfaction. He leaned over me, a hand still on his cock as he ran it along my wetness, gathering up enough to act as a lubrication. I slipped two of my fingers into my mouth and headed straight for my clit as he pushed himself into me slowly. I’d developed a habit of doing that: touching myself to relieve me of the initial stretch of his size. It calmed my muscles and allowed me to accept all of him. This lasted until he bottomed out, where I would pull my hand away and let him take over completely.

He closed his eyes, resting his head on my shoulder, my blouse still hanging off my body. I felt his hot breath on my neck when he tilted his head to the side and began thrusting at a tantalisingly steady pace. I held him against me, enjoying the feeling of him being this close to me at such an intimate level. For a second, heaps of love and affection was shared between us, as for a while we continued with a slow and passionate style of love-making. There weren’t many words exchanged between us for a good ten to fifteen minutes; just our moans and gasps that told each other more than enough.

“As much as I love you…” I started through a little giggle. “And I love you being this gentle with me… I’m gonna need you to speed up a little bit.” I feared I worded my request wrong, as Brian lifted his head and looked at me with slight confusion and stopped his thrusts. “You’ve not done anything wrong, I just… I, um…” I looked away from his eyes, embarrassment flooding me again.

“What? You can tell me what you want, Ria, you know I won’t judge you.” He moved some hair away from my face.

“Okay. I really like when you’re rough. It’s a side nobody but I can see, and I love it.” As I explained, Brian’s eyes grew darker and his smirk stood prominent on his face. He almost looked amused at my admission, but also relieved. I could tell we were on the same page, and my heart fluttered with delight. I smiled, taking my lip between my teeth. “Please, daddy.”

He pushed himself upwards with eagerness, my words sending him into overdrive. “My, my, what have I done to you, darling? To think I thought you were some sort of innocent succubus, unaware of your talents.” He growled, swiftly pulling my legs up to rest onto his waist, a new position where he could sink into me at a different angle. “I think I may have ruined you, Princess.”

I looked up at him through my thick lashes and smirked. “You’re the only one I want to ruined by.” I intentionally clenched myself around him, watching him buckle slightly but not lose his dominant hold over me. “Now please shut up and fuck me. I need it so bad, daddy.”

I was quickly shut up by a harsh thrust, causing me to gasp and catch my breath in my throat. One of Brian’s hands came up next to my head, resting on the pillow to balance himself as the other hand pushed one of my bent legs up against my chest. He sunk deeper into me, the intensity of his cock bottoming out of me causing me to let a moan rumble from my throat. His hips drew out and practically slammed back into me, making it a journey of speed, progressively speeding up his thrusts and making them shallower and shallower.

The feeling of his veiny flesh rubbing against my walls caused my back to arch painfully and my head to fall back into the pillows.

“Fucking Christ.” I cursed into the air through a clenched jaw, punctuating it with an obnoxiously loud moan.

“That’s right, baby.” Brian half-whispered the best he could breathlessly through his vicious thrusts. “I want everybody in this building to know you’re getting the best shag of your life. God, you’re so bloody tight…”

“Fuck!” I yelped when the hand that wasn’t beside me pull on my bra roughly until the cups were pulled down far enough for my breasts to be fully on show for Brian. He dug his fingertips into my side, pulling me into him with every thrust. “My God, you’re so fucking big…” I squealed slightly when he began to hit my sweet spot with every move. “Oh fuck, right there, don’t stop…”

“Oh, is that the spot? You dirty girl, listen to you.” He grunted, running his hand over my chest and squeezing at one of my breasts momentarily. “Practically begging me to destroy you. I love hearing you whine. Ah shit…” His thrusts were ridiculous now; the sound of our skin lewdly slapping together filled the room and I can’t explain the relief I felt that nobody would be home at all and we would not be interrupted. “I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last, Ria.” He warned letting his body fall a little bit so he was now rested on his elbow rather than his hand. I looked at him in the eye, his forehead pressing against mine.

“Fuck, I love you so much, Daddy…” My voice seemed to have heightened throughout our sexual encounter, and my own submission caused my walls to tighten even more. This was when I came to the realisation that I liked being helpless whenever Brian was on top of me, buried deep inside me.

“I love you too, Princess. How close are you?” Some of his sweat dripped down onto my skin, but I didn’t mind it one bit.

“I’m close, Daddy. I love your cock so much.” I let my mind run wild and it paid off; Brian moaned loudly at my words and dipped his head down to suck bruising kisses on the skin of my chest, leaving marks on my breasts and everywhere he could reach in his current position. My vision started to blur and my back arched once again, the more I longed for my release, the closer it became to reality. I gripped onto Brian’s harm, digging my fingernails into his skin. “God, keep going, I’m gonna come, Bri.” I whispered through irregular breaths.

“Do it.” He ordered, looking up at me and increasing the speed of his thrusts again, his main goal to get us both off with a spectacular finale. “Go on, Princess, come for me. I want to hear those beautiful sounds of yours. I love when you come, you always look so pretty.” His words lacked breath, but I could tell he was adamant to give me a damn good orgasm. He looked over me with satisfaction when I pressed my head back into the pillows, my mouth hanging open again and a high-pitched whine cascaded from my throat, not holding anything back. I convulsed and pulsed around the rapid actions of his length inside me and I did indeed come with such intensity that even my hearing became debilitated momentarily.

I involuntarily twitched and whimpered at the sensitivity as Brian chased his own high. “Daddy…” I moaned out, not entirely calling out for anything in particular. I guess I was just trying to return the favour the best I could.

“Oh fuck, I love you, I love you so fucking much.” His voice lowered dangerously as his hips stilled inside me, holding onto me tightly as he shot his thick load inside me and it was one of those times where I was relieved to remember I was on the pill. I never was good at keeping track of when to take pills and since birth control pills were so highly demanding in terms of time, it stressed me out. But since I started being intimate with Brian, it encouraged me to keep up with it and it was for a good cause. I couldn’t bare the idea of not being able to feel every texture of my boyfriend’s manhood.

We were both knackered, so to speak.

It didn’t take us that long to come down from our highs. Brian lifted his head and shifted to lean on his side, detaching himself from me and his arm draped over me.

“I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you’re less stressed now.” He asked with a softer voice, the man I was witness to just a few minutes ago completely gone.

I fixed my bra for comfort and laughed breathily at him. I tilted my head upwards and shot him a smile full of genuine happiness. “A little, yeah. It’s not an unbearable amount of stress anymore and the fact that you were able to bring me down to even that level is crazy.” He returned the smile, listening to me. “So, thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me, silly.” He chuckled, leaning down and pressing a soothing kiss to my lips. I’m sure we would have gotten caught up in a heated moment had the phone in the hallway not started ringing out. I whimpered and groaned, forcing myself away from Brian to slip on my pants and make my way out the bedroom, a slight stagger to my walk.

I picked up the phone before it could go straight to answer machine.

“Hello?” I leaned back on the wall, the place in which I stood making it possible for me to see through into my bedroom, where Brian was making himself comfortable.

“Maria, love, it’s mum.”

I instantly shot up from my relaxed position on the wall and focused one-hundred-percent on the other end of the phone. “O-Oh, hello. Is everything okay? What was that letter about? Why couldn’t I—”

“Maria, be quiet for a second while I explain.” She took a deep breath. “Damn it, I’m not sure this is news I should be giving you over the phone. It’s um… It’s about your father.”

My stomach sank and I felt nauseous within seconds. “Dad? Is he okay?”

“Yes, he’s okay, love. But we need to talk to you about something very important. It’s not a conversation we should be having over the phone.” There was a pause and tension hung in the air. “We need you to come home for a bit. So, we can tell you in person.”

“What?” My voice raised, alerting Brian from the other room. I caught him sitting up and looking at me with concern in his eyes. “I can’t just drop everything and come home, I have commitments over here, Mum, it’s not that easy!”

“Don’t you raise your voice at me, Maria Brennan. You’re not that old that I can’t bend you over my knee and slap your arse. I raised you better than that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Mother, I am twenty-three. Speaking of, I don’t remember getting any birthday messages from you. Not even Dad. Chris rang me and had to do it on your behalf!”

“Is that really important right now, dear? There’s more important things to tend to.”

I clenched my jaw, feeling all the stress Brian had managed to alleviate fill back up again. “When do you want me up there?”

“Next week.”

“Shit, mum!”

“Watch your language! I thought London would teach you some manners, but apparently not. We want you up here a week on Friday and that’s the end of it. And try and look presentable.” Before I could answer her, the line went dead. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I angrily wacked the telephone against the cradle, before letting go of it so it hung from the chord from the wall. I harshly pressed my forehead against the wall, covering my face with my hands and screaming into them. When I was done, I lifted my head and saw that Brian was stood in the hallway.

“I hate my mother. I fucking hate her.”

“Strong words, love. What’s happened?” He stepped forward, stroking my hair with his hand.

“They have something important to tell me and want me to go up there again so they can tell me. I don’t know why they couldn’t just tell me over the bloody phone! Since when did they care so fucking much?!” Brian pulled me into a hug with an empathetic sigh. “I don’t think I can deal with going up there again. Not after Christmas. I can’t deal with it, Brian; I won’t come back alive.” He stiffened at my words and pulled away enough to look down at me.

“Don’t you dare, Maria. If it upsets you that much… I’ll come with you.”

I raised my eyebrows, completely rejecting the idea. “Absolutely not. You won’t come back alive either.” I scoffed, heading for the kitchen area, where I filled up a glass of water to calm my nerves.

“No, I’m serious. I don’t want you going back up there alone. Please, Ria… Let me help you. I’ll feel like the worst boyfriend in the world if I let you go through this mental pain alone again.”

The look in his eyes didn’t take long to convince me. Usually, I’d be nervous and paranoid that I was forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do. But he pleaded. He was passionate. He wanted to assist me through my anxiety.

“Fine… Okay… Just one more thing.”

Brian cocked his head to the side. “Hm?”

“I have talked to her about you. And um… Told her that we’re together. Back when I visited for Christmas.”

“You did?” The pride in his voice sent warm butterflies up my spine.

“I did…”

“What did she say? Is it as bad as you thought?”

I laughed uncomfortably, memories of that horrible trip coming back in mind. “Worse, now that I think about it.”

His face dropped. “Why?”

“She hates you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of an odd ending, I know, but THIS is where the story levels up its pussy, babies, shit is about to hit the fucking fan... or is it? 
> 
> Thoughts? 
> 
> How do we feel about Maria's character development we have seen since Chapter 1? 
> 
> How do we feel about Maria's mother? 
> 
> And how do we feel about Brian accompanying Maria up North? Hmm... 
> 
> ALSO it's been a year since I started this book! SO HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY BABIES! Thank you for all the love and support I've gotten over the past 12 months - it means A LOT. 
> 
> Let it be known... We are nowhere near the end. We're only just starting. 
> 
> I love you all so much! Stay safe, my angels. 
> 
> Carys x


	40. fucking demented

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR ROGER'S POV. (domestic abuse) 
> 
> This is where things do get rather intense. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. 
> 
> 40/50 chapters, babies, we are on the home stretch... Or are we?
> 
> Make sure to give this some love and feedback, remember feedback is important to writers. Any writer you read stuff by has spent hours on the content you enjoy - it does not take that much to write a nice comment. Niceness costs nothing. 
> 
> I love you all so much, stick with me babies! IT'S GETTIN GOOD!
> 
> Carys x

Roger

"So... You're meeting the parents tomorrow, are you?"

Brian looked up from his book and cocked an eyebrow at me. "What?"

"Emma told me." I shrugged and went back to doodling on the notebook in my lap, feet rested up on the coffee table.

Freddie was at Mary's, as he had been a lot lately. For the first time in a while, Brian and I were left alone at the house and the girls were at the flat together. We hadn't had a chance to talk to each other properly in a minute, and I found it awkward when it came to it.

Brian merely hummed in response, going back to his book. "Does she often tell you personal stuff about my girlfriend?"

"Oh, don't start, mate, seriously." I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"I'm not starting anything. You don't see how nervous Maria gets about telling anyone anything. You don't see the panic attacks she has frequently. You don't see the pain she's in because of your own girlfriend. Don't 'don't start' me, Rog."

"Okay, you need to calm down and stop being so bitchy. I know Emma can be a lot, but that's not my prerogative to fix!" I huffed and threw my pen and paper on the table, wading through into the kitchen to grab a bottle out of the fridge. "I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm trying to have a conversation with someone for once without being scared of saying the wrong thing—"

"What do you mean 'scared'?"

My breath caught in my throat. I leaned against the doorframe and looked at my friend, his attention now completely averted from his piece of literature. "You know, just... It's silly stuff, Bri. You've already admitted to Emma being a lot." I pushed it off, settling back in the plush chair. I glued my eyes to my lap, trying to focus on anything else.

"Roger." Brian started, sighing and pushing himself up into a straighter sitting position on the sofa. If his eyes could shoot lasers, I'd be dead. "Don't tip toe around anything anymore. Our lives are getting harder. We're making an album together. We've both dropped out of university. We need to start being completely honest with each other. All of us."

Brian was right. As much as I hated to admit it, he was perfectly correct. "If I tell you something... Do you promise it will stay between us? No more talk about it. Just so somebody knows."

He nodded, his eyes scrunched up in a combination of confusion and concern. "Listen, Taylor. We may fight like two schoolgirls but I am your best friend. And as far as I'm concerned, you're not getting rid of me that easy. You can tell me anything. Tell me."

I won't lie to you. Brian's promises and words were warm to me. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt something more than what I felt in the throes of ecstasy; I'd resorted to that to cover up the lack of emotion and connection I'd had in the months previous to my conversation with Brian, but it was always Brian who reminded me that friends were important.

"Okay, you know, I'll just say it." I gulped down a load of beer. "Emma has a tendency to get violent. When I say stuff she doesn't agree with." I refused to look at Brian as I babbled on. "I love Emma. A lot. She's the first girl I've had feelings for. But I'm not one for commitment, Bri, I'm really not. I've tried time and time again to have that nuanced conversation with her, but she always changes the topic." I started getting choked up. "I've been trying to grow out a bit of a beard because she said I look too feminine. I don't even know what to do." I looked up at Brian finally, and I could tell his attention was 100% on me and what I was saying.

"What do you mean by violent?"

"She hits me, Bri, it's not the worst, but it's silly—"

"Silly or not, nobody should be hitting anyone. Does she realise she's being this horrid?" The tone in his voice was lowering, transmitting as anger or annoyance.

"Oh yes, she always apologises. She's just stressed, I guess."

"Don't make excuses for her, Rog. Maria is overly stressed right now, but you don't see her hitting me and telling me I'm too skinny or that I talk too much. I'm on the verge of passing out most days and you don't see me beating the crap out of her. You know why? Because it's not normal behaviour."

"I know. I know... But... It's been happening less lately. So, maybe... She's learning. I love her so much. I don't want to lose her."

"Does she love you?"

"She tells me she does. And she cares about me. That's all I need from somebody." It was one of those moments where you know you're talking bollocks, but you choose to ignore it out of fear of facing what you need to.

Brian pulled his mouth into a straight line, as though he was contemplating yet accepting at the same time. He shook his head, pushing himself up from the sofa. He took an empty glass off the table to put away in the kitchen, looking at me with warning. "Be careful, Rog. I'm heading to bed. Got a long couple of days ahead of me..." As he walked past me, he patted a hand on my shoulder in some sort of comforting action.

I really needed to get my life together.

Brian

My room was heavy with my own thoughts. I laid on top of the bedsheets, one of my hands behind my head and the other rested on my stomach as I looked towards the ray of light from the streetlight just outside. It was dark and difficult to see anything else. My mind wandered through the conversation with Roger.

I'd seen Roger in this position before. Around the time we first met, he had a girlfriend who... Let's just say she wasn't on the nicest side of the spectrum. I could see Roger falling back down again, falling down that spiral again – the direction he chooses to take when life begins to stress him out even more. It's not a lie that he is a promiscuous human being; he would do anything for a good shag and a good reputation, but it seemed to be heightened when he was going through something mentally. That's what was happening now, evidently.

At the other end of my concerns, there was my own girlfriend. The idea of meeting her family the day after excited me, yet made me nervous all at the same time. Generally, nothing is as bad as it seems. People with anxiety usually dramatize things without even realising they're doing it. However, I felt Maria wasn't dramatizing anything. Perhaps there was a slim chance that her parents would actually like me if they got a chance to get to know me, but there was a bigger chance that they would be exactly what Ria said they were going to me. At least her mum.

I'd talked to Maria on the telephone a few hours prior to me heading to bed and she made sure I knew her parents' names. Her mum was called Linda, but for some reason, whenever I recited the name, I just wanted to say Lindsey. It's safe to say that her anxieties rubbed off on me and I found myself becoming increasingly nervous the more my eyes became heavier with sleep.

When it came to leaving the day after, Maria was in one of the worst moods I'd ever witnessed in anybody. She came over quite early so she could lay in bed with me for a bit, but she wasn't resting. She was fidgeting, disconnected from what I was saying, and hyperaware of the time. Freddie was still at Mary's place so Roger helped us load my car with stuff that we needed.

Maria and Roger had been getting along a lot better than they did when they first met, and I could tell a friendship was forming, but what, with everything that was going on, Ria kept making passive aggressive comments to and about Roger every time he said something. I had to tame her and remind him that she didn't mean it.

When we actually got in the car, everything seemed to become more real and materialised rather than a passing thought at three in the morning. Maria had said nothing, and I was now becoming more and more nervous to meet her family. Roger leaned in on the open window to talk to me.

"This is a pretty serious step for a relationship." He commented, looking over the wheel of the car and all the bits and bobs I had decorated it with. "Try and think of it as a good thing, as stressful as it's been." He shrugged, looking past me and at Maria, who was slumped in the passenger's seat, leaning her arm on her own opened window and looking outside blankly. Roger looked like he was trying to find the right words to comfort her or make her laugh, but I knew it would end up being some sort of sarcastic remark that she would take too personally in her state of mind, so I simply shook my head at him before he made that mistake.

About an hour onto the road, we were on the motorway and Maria had spoken ten words at minimum. She'd clad herself in cotton trousers and a simple shirt that day and she had minimal to no makeup on. I noticed everything about her, so naturally I noticed when she made little effort to make herself up. Don't get me wrong, I am not forcing a standard or image, I'm simply observing that my girlfriend was acting significantly different to how she usually acted.

I did, however, notice that she'd stopped fidgeting. She was simply staring out of the window.

"How are you feeling, love?" I softly asked, eyes flickering to the side as to not get entirely distracted from the road ahead.

"I don't know... I'm just nervous..." She proceeded to toy with her own fingers and pick at the skin around her nails. I sighed quietly and moved one hand from the wheel to interlace my fingers with hers, resting our conjoined hands on her thigh as I drove. She immediately began to trace her fingertips of her free hand over the slightly prominent veins in my hand and the knuckles of my fingers. "I've never brought anyone home before. Apart from Emma, and they loved her." She said with a clearly bitter tone. "My mum already hates you. Plus, she doesn't even know you're coming." She muttered the last bit.

I widened my eyes, gripping onto the stirring wheel. "Maria. Isn't that going to make things worse?"

"No, because if I told her, she'd go on and on for hours about why you shouldn't come. And then I'd get too stressed and end up going on my own because things would get too messy in my head, Brian. Sometimes it's just easier for me to do things on a whim. I like taking risks in the unhealthiest way possible."

It broke my heart when she overthought things. I knew she couldn't help it; that was just part of her anxiety, but it didn't stop the fact that I couldn't do anything to fix it. I gave her hand a tiny squeeze. "It'll be okay. Everything will be okay. We don't even have to stay that long, do we? We just need to stay long enough for your parents to talk to you about whatever they want to talk to you about, and then we can head off." The silence after my attempt at comfort made me uncomfortable and I started to worry that I'd said something wrong.

"Hm?" I shook her hand a bit, noticing she'd spaced out again. She blinked a few times and looked at me.

"I know we don't have to stay that long. And it won't be anywhere near as bad as Christmas. I'm really happy you're coming with me, Bri, I'm just... I'm scared that you won't see me the same once you see where I come from."

I immediately shook my head, scrunching my eyebrows up in shock. "Absolutely not, my love. I know you for you and I love you. Your family or hometown doesn't define you in any way. I fell in love with you, not your background." I smiled to myself as I drove the speed limit down the motorway, a warmth spreading to my heart at the reminder that Maria was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If only I was man enough to get down on one knee...

"Not that I'm ungrateful for you or anything, but can we stop talking about this now? I think I just need to... distract myself for now. Deal with stuff when it comes to it, I guess..."

"That's the mindset we need to have, sweetheart. As long as you remind yourself that I'm here and I won't let anything or anyone hurt you. I'll fuck them up." I added to lighten the mood, and it worked, as Maria giggled at my words.

I was taken back when she started shuffling up the car seat, leaning herself over to me as I was driving.

"I love you so much." She mumbled before reaching as far as she could and pressing a kiss to my jaw.

By the time we made it into the West Yorkshire, it was noon: probably around 3pm. Maria's family were expecting her around four, and she proceeded to remind me.

"Well, we won't get there at all if you don't tell me where we're going, love."

Maria's home area was in the outskirts of Leeds, which as anyone reading this knows is an extremely rural and opulent area. Not to make assumptions, but when you first meet Maria, she seemed to stay true to the Yorkshire stereotype: humble, not exactly the most polished, prone to cursing in every single sentence. From what I'd heard of her mother, she was the exact opposite and always forced the middle-class narrative. Maria hated that.

Up until this point, both of us had actually calmed down. Maria had once again showed off her incredible talents in singing when we put the radio on, belting out the lyrics to Aretha Franklin and Led Zeppelin. Although the radio was still in full swing, our joy and laughter definitely died down and the air was thick with anxiety again.

"Turn this corner up here." Maria pointed to the turn ahead of us and we found ourselves in a polished neighbourhood consisting of five houses at most, all spread out to cater to the large area of land that came with them. Maria's house was the one right at the end of the street, sat prim and proper. "Can we just sit outside for a minute?"

"Of course," My own voice translated into an equal amount of nervousness and we did exactly that, stopping in the driveway behind a rather nice car.

"Before we actually go, Brian, I just want to warn you again..." Maria unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face me. "Mum has a tendency to judge... Very easily. She might say things or act a certain way towards you, and it'll probably hurt you, I don't know. Just all I ask of you is to still think of me as the person you met in London and not the person I'll pretend to be up here." She took my hand in hers again, playing with my fingers. "She says things that hurts me all the time. I've learned that it's just better to ignore it the best you can."

I sighed, shaking my head. "It's fine, darling." I reached out with my free hand and caressed her hair with it, moving some strands from her face. "I'll be the respectful Southern gent I am, and going off what you said, your brother will be willing to speak to me, so I'll just strike up conversation with him if I have to."

"Chris?" She asked before laughing. "You'd be lucky to get him to shut the fuck up."

There she was.

Maria

I pulled my hand away from Brian's, sitting up straight and taking a deep breath, looking over at my front door. "Let's just get this over with..." I glanced at my boyfriend with a soft smile, before we both exited the car. I wasn't entirely sure how Brian was able to drive without any pit stops, but the result of his determination was proved satisfying, as the fresh air hit me differently than it did in London. One thing I do prefer in the North than the South is the air; it was cleaner, and fresher, and not laced with the same overpowering amount of pollution.

The house didn't look too different from how it was a few months before, which was shocking considering my parents loved to redecorate on a whim and those whims were more whimsical than strategic.

Brian had our bags in his hands and came in behind me, closing the door with his elbow. I would've helped him had my brain not been focused on not dying mentally.

I had déjà vu as I called for my mum, only this time I got a response coming from the direction of the kitchen.

"Maria, chicken, we saw you pull in! I didn't realise you had a ca—" My mum came out of the kitchen after her voice getting closer and closer. Her sentence was cut off when she saw the tall, curly-haired guitarist stood next to me, looking as awkward as ever. "Is this the man-friend?" She folded her arms across her chest, shifting her weight onto one foot.

"Yes." I answered quietly, ushering Brian towards the staircase. I turned to look at my mum as we ascended. "We'll put our bags in my room and then we'll talk."

The glare I received from my mum made my spine shiver. Even at twenty-three, my mum scared the hell out of me. She still had a hold over me. Give her enough time and she could make me do anything.

"Yes. We will talk." She spat at me, watching us go upstairs.

I rolled my eyes and feared my mum would run up after me and practically kill me, but I caught up with Brian at the top of the stairs and gave him a comforting smile. "I'm sorry, I just thought it would be better to get up here first before things kick off." I led him down the generous hallway, not really giving him a chance to question any of the photos hung up on the walls or the countless certificates framed on dark walnut cabinets.

We stopped at the door of my old room. "Here we are."

"Is your mum really that bad?" Brian didn't acknowledge our arrival at my room. He spoke in a hushed tone, leaning down towards me so it was confidential between only us.

"Worse."

"How bad?" He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Fucking demented."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TEA
> 
> Thoughts? 
> 
> I am very curious what you all think Maria's parents want to talk to her about. Leave some guesses in the comments!
> 
> We may or may not find out in the next chapter... It's spicy, babies. 
> 
> I love you all so much!!! Don't forget to leave some feedback and nice words. 
> 
> Good words, good thoughts, good deeds ;)
> 
> Carys x


	41. everything I say, I mean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning for this chapter again - throughout - family-related things that I know some people may find upsetting or triggering*
> 
> Give it some love and feedback! Share around, help me get 10K reads!
> 
> I love you all and I hope you enjoy this chapter the best you can haha. 
> 
> Carys x

“I don’t wanna go back downstairs, not gonna lie.” I mumbled into my hands, laid on my back on the plush sheets of the bed in my ex-bedroom. “I want to curl up in a ball and die.”

“Don’t say things like that, Maria, there’s no benefit in it, is there?” I felt the bed weigh down next to me and I rolled to the side a bit, pressing into the side of Brian’s body. I whimpered, rolling completely on my side and burying my head into his stomach, resting on his lap. His hand came up to stroke at my hair, which somehow soothed my growing anxiety, but didn’t rid of it completely. “It’ll only be bad or awkward initially, yeah?” When I didn’t answer him, he coaxed me up to where I was sat beside him, face to face.

“I don’t want them to hurt you…” I whispered, looking directly into his beautiful hazel eyes. It was true: although Brian was a strong man and wasn’t too susceptible to getting easily offended, my parents always had a way of wording things that would make you second guess anything you thought. Intentionally or not, they played off your insecurities and in turn, it just made whatever insecurities you had much, much worse.

“Oh, Maria, darling. They can’t hurt me.” He whispered back, taking my face in his hands. “And they won’t hurt you. Not whilst I’m here. I’ve seen way too much sadness from you at the hands of your family and being up here. I’m not letting you go home with any more.”

Home. London was my home. I never thought I’d be saying that – but I was. And I was proud of it. My home was with Brian and the boys, even Emma and Mary.

“I love you.” I lowered my whisper a bit more so I could be certain it was just us and us only.

He reciprocated it by pressing his lips to mine, uttering the common phrase back during the process. When our lips touched, it felt like the confidence and bravery that Brian always possessed had trickled into my own bloodstream – part of him was permanently with me.

Pulling away, my thoughts forced my eyes to focus on my feet. “I hope I didn’t leave any tracks downstairs.” I still had my trainers on. I kicked them off, finding myself stalling. I’m awful, I know, just say it. Brian chuckled beside me, following suit and slipping off his clogs. That’s when I realised, he’d worn the clogs I got him for Christmas. I smiled at the fact before I decided it was time to face the harsh hit of reality.

“Right…” I sighed, pulling myself up onto my feet with an exaggerated groan. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“I’m sure everything will be fine, love.” Brian ran his hand over my back as we made our way out into the upstairs landing and hallways.

“Oh my God, is this the Rockstar?!”

I turned my head in the direction of the voice and squealed in delight, rushing forward to engulf my fifteen-year-old partner in crime into a tight hug. He wriggled in my hold, feigning disgust but ultimately returning the gesture with as much emotion as he could muster.

“I missed you. You left me alone. With them.” Chris grimaced when he pulled away, resting a hand on his hip and looking over my shoulder. I flushed a bit, promptly moving to the side. I reached out to Brian, to which he took my hand and I almost presented him to my brother as though he was a prized possession.

“Chris, this is my boyfriend, Brian and Bri, this is my baby brother, Christopher. But call him Chris because if you don’t, he goes all mardy and he stops talking to everyone.”

“Shut up, you’re the one who came up during the holiday season with a face like a slapped arse.” 

I rolled my eyes, looking towards Brian, who just watched and listened with amusement. I squeezed his hand. “As you can tell, we’re both very well versed in the art of speaking like a pair of true Yorkshire scrubbers.” I winked at him as he shook Chris’ hand with his free one.

“Is there a, uh, reason why I’m referred to as the Rockstar?” Brian asked him softly, glancing at me out the corner of his eye.

I shot a glare at Christ as to warn him. He returned it with that snarky smirk and acted as though he didn’t notice me.

“When she came up for Christmas, she wouldn’t stop going on about you. Seemed to love that you’re in a band. Said something about really, really, really liking guitarists. Always has done.” He laughed and patted Brian on his arm, striding past us and stopping just outside his bedroom. “Nice to finally meet you. You seem like a nice lad, Brian, don’t fuck my sister over. Please.” His voice lowered, eyes flicking over to the staircase and then back at me with a sympathetic expression. Did he know what mum wanted to talk to me about? Before I could question it, he disappeared into his bedroom.

There was a build-up of tension, but a simple smile of comfort from Brian evened it out and I took a deep breath. “That went well… He likes you, love.” I smiled up at him and gave him a quick kiss.

“Let’s hope I get the same reaction from your parents.” He ran a hand through his hair, holding mine tighter. We were just about to descend the staircase when I halted us completely, eyes wide open and mind completely froze.

“Why did you have to remind me, babes?” I whined.

“Sorry, darling, should we talk about how you have a thing for guitarists?” He raised his eyebrow, a small smile playing on his face. Before I knew it, we were at the bottom of the stairs and my mum was dusting the marble fireplace in the living room.

“I’m telling you, Michael, we’re going to have to get one of those maids from the agency. We can’t keep doing this to ourselves—” She turned around and jumped when she saw me and Brian stood in the doorway. “Oh, Maria, honey, you scared me! Don’t creep up on me!”

Then came through my dad, larger than life, yet his aura gave off the same energy as a pencil. Unsharpened.

“Maria, my little girl, so good to finally see you again!” He pulled me away from Brian and squeezed me unforgivingly tight, to a point where I had to cough out a small wheeze in order for him to stop. “And this!” He pushed past me and took Brian’s hand in his, shaking it enthusiastically. I could tell Brian wasn’t exactly expecting that sort of reaction, but then again, it wasn’t my dad I was too worried about. “You must be the young man my daughter couldn’t stop talking about at Christmas!”

“Oh my God.” I mumbled to myself, folding my arms and looking anywhere else. But I couldn’t. I had to watch as Brian’s face contorted into confusion, shock, giddiness, pride… They exchanged a few mindless niceties, though my dad didn’t think much to the band work – he never found it was a serious career path, and merely a hobby to keep the kids occupied.

It was a relief to see my dad get on with Brian; at least he wasn’t judging him completely. Then again, that wasn’t the worry with dad. Dad found it hard to believe his little girl could be in a relationship with anyone. He made it a habit of his to deny any possibility of it. For lack of a better term: he never took this shit seriously.

Whilst my dad and Brian talked (more so the former at the latter), I made my way over to my mum, who had slipped into intentional ignorance – cleaning just to distract her from something she didn’t want to face.

I crossed my arms, watching as she polished the same spot repeatedly.

“I know you know I’m stood here, mum.”

“Did you develop the power of your third sight whilst you’ve been wasting your time in London?” She answered dryly.

“Is that what you wanted to talk to me about that was so important that you dragged me up here?” I raised my eyebrow.

She stopped and looked up at me from her useless job. “Don’t speak to your mother like that, lady, you’re already walking on very thin ice over your attitude on the phone last week.” She raised her voice as though I was a teenager, a bratty teenager too lazy to make their bed.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.”

“Maria, I brought you up here because your… Father and I have something very urgent to talk to you about.”

“And you couldn’t tell me this thing when it was a little more acceptable? When it was more efficient for me? I do have a life, mum, it’s not easy to just drop everything and come here.”

“We are your family; we are your priority. Not Mr Perfect. He has nothing on him, Maria, physically and career-wise.”

“Stop it.” I warned her.

“Stop what? I’m trying to protect you from getting hurt. If that makes me a bad mother, then fine!”

“I never called you a bad mother!” Both of us were progressively getting louder, overpowering the noise of my dad and Brian speaking to each other.

“You’re thinking it though!”

“I can call you way worse than a bad mum, but unlike you, I can keep my mouth shut!”

“Hey, hey, stop it. The pair of you!” My dad interrupted us. “We asked her to come up here to speak to her, the least we can do is actually talk to her. We need to tell her, Linda.”

“Tell me what?” I backed off, looking between them.

“I’m not saying anything until he leaves us alone.” She finally looked at Brian properly, up and down with judgemental eyes. The thought of being left alone with my mum in this mood scared me, despite my dad also being there. But he never took my side. It was always them against me.

“Brian can stay.” I simply said, moving over to stand next to him. “You haven’t spoken to him once since we’ve been here. Even dad managed to talk to him.” I glanced at Brian before gently holding onto his arm. He looked so awkward. I knew he hated confrontation, or being stuck in the middle of somebody else’s.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs Brennan.” Brian calmly and politely greeted my mum. “I, of course, respect you may want to speak with Maria in private, but I also respect my girlfriend’s wishes to not be alone. As you should, also.” He swallowed audibly, to which is squeezed his arm.

My mum continued to glare at him with her hands on her hips. It was one of those many moments of hers that could rattle an entire room if her thoughts had any sort of physical strength.

“Please, Mum.” I spoke quietly, the only other noise around us being the faint speaking from Chris’ television upstairs and the odd sprinkler being turned on and off outside. “Let Brian stay.” I could’ve cried at the intense bought of emotions running through me.

She looked at me, then back at my boyfriend, then back at me, and then over at my dad, who was already looking at her. She placed her cleaning stuff on the coffee table and waded through into the kitchen, calling over her shoulder. “Does anyone want a drink?”

I exhaled a heavy breath I didn’t know I was holding in. Brian’s tense muscles relaxed and he gave me a subtle smile. My mum had disappeared before we could answer her, but that’s what she always did with guests she didn’t really care about.

“Do you want anything, Bri?” I asked him, shaking off the nerves momentarily.

“Can I have a glass of water, please? My mouth’s gone really dry.” I let out a breathy chuckle, a pathetic attempt to conceal his anxiety. I nodded at him, placing a lasting kiss on his cheek. “I’ll be back in a minute. You’re doing good.” I whispered to him, before pulling away and walking past my dad, who was smiling at the two of us.

My walk to the kitchen was pretty vicious, and I didn’t even approach my mum, and instead got Brian a glass of water myself.

“Could have actually waited for an answer.” I turned the cold water tap on, letting it run for a bit. My mum had a kettle on the gas, the water inside simmering away.

“Do you want a drink, Maria?” She asked me, totally and completely oblivious to my words. I mean, she knew what I said, I know she heard me. She just chose not to acknowledge it.

I filled the glass and turned off the tap. I turned and looked at my mum.

“No.” And I returned to the living room.

Brian was sat on the sofa opposite to the one my dad sat on, passively looking at the photos on the walls with a small smile on his face. He just looked so innocently vacant – a pang of guilt shot through me. I shouldn’t have let him come with me and get caught in something that would make him uncomfortable. He didn’t sign up for this. It wasn’t fair on him.

Alas, I kept all that inside, passing the glass over to him, to which he thanked me kindly, as always. I sat myself down next to him, the three of us waiting for my mum to come back. She did within a few silent minutes, with two cups of tea in her hands. One for her, one for my dad.

Once she had seated herself beside her husband, I crossed one leg over the other. I bounced my foot up and down. “You gonna talk to me then?”

“Am I going to talk to you?” She took a tip out of her tea. “Yes I am. Now, this is something very important. And it is your decision whether or not you’re going to let it change your life completely, or be an irrelevant piece of information.”

I scrunched my eyebrows up, and looked over to my dad. He wasn’t looking at any of us; his eyes were fixated at his tea and even though our eyes didn’t meet, I could tell he was somewhat sad. My dad never got sad. Over anything.

“What do you mean change my life completely?” I asked my mum.

“I mean… This is something we should have told you years ago. We should have told you about this when you turned eighteen, but… It seemed pointless at the time. But certain things have come to our attention recently, and we have both decided that you should know.” She even seemed nervous now, looking at my dad. She took one more sip of tea before setting it down on the table and taking a deep breath. “Your father loves you, Maria. He always has.”

I gave Brian a confused look, which he reciprocated. I stifled a small laugh. “I know, Mum, he tells me every time I talk to him.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“No.” She jumped in. “I mean your real father.”

“What… What do you mean my real father?” I was quick to deny it. But my breath had been taken from me. And I was positive I was in a dream. “He’s my real father!” I pointed at my dad, who had gotten up out of his seat and walked over to the fireplace, hands covering his face. “You’re my dad!” I shouted at him. “I don’t have another dad! Why would you say something like that to me?” I started getting riled up, shifting around in my seat.

“Maria! Stop being silly, I know this isn’t an easy thing to hear but it’s not an easy thing to tell your daughter either!” My mum scolded me and I looked at her with wide eyes and my mouth hung open. I didn’t blink as she continued to talk, and I could only just feel Brian’s hand slip over mine and grab onto me tightly.

“Me and your father, we… We weren’t ready. He had a place at a business school he tried years to get into. When he found out I was pregnant, he stayed for a while. But it was the 40s, Maria, and everybody bombarded him with presents and congratulations he didn’t want. He was expected to stay and be the breadwinner. He didn’t want that. So, when I was six-months along, he decided he’d had enough and he moved away. I don’t know exactly where he went, but I know it was down South somewhere.”

I digested this new information the best I could, a few tears falling as I blinked. “So…. Dad—Michael… Isn’t my dad? At all?”

“Of course, I’m your dad!” He ran over to me, getting down on his knees and holding my free hand in his. “I don’t have to be your biological father to love you like I love Chris.”

“And Chris… Isn’t actually my brother? He’s just my half-brother…” I whimpered this time, the tears unable to stay inside my face. “So, everything in the last twenty-three years of my life has just been a lie?”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” My mum retorted. “It’s not a big deal. You’ve never met the man.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve tried to stay quiet throughout this whole thing, but I have to just say that you are one of the most arrogant mothers I have ever met.”

My head whipped round and saw Brian had downed his water and his eyes were fixed on my mum.

“I beg your pardon, young man, I don’t remember asking for your opinion.” She finally spoke to him, or spat at him.

“Brian, don’t—” I started, but he shook his head and put his hand up at me.

“You’ve just told your daughter that two-thirds of her family aren’t even blood-relatives like she’s been led to believe and you tell her to stop being dramatic? I’m sorry, Mrs Brennan, but Maria has very serious trust issues. You’d know that if you actually listened to her—”

“That’s enough from you, lad, I didn’t even ask you to come here.” My mum snapped, standing up, causing Brian to stand up after her. “I want you to get out of my house, you’re no good for my daughter, and if it were up to me, I would have kept her here the moment she even talked about you! Dirty Southern louse.” She practically growled, heading over to the cabinet and pouring herself a shot of whiskey.

“Don’t talk to him like that, mum, he’s only defending me!” I shouted, wiping still-falling tears from my face. “He cares about me! He talks to me every day to make sure I’m okay and that’s more than you have EVER done for me!”

“Maria, calm down—” My sort-of dad reached out for my arm, but I whipped my arm back.

“No, dad! I mean Michael, or—I don’t even know what to fucking call anybody anymore!” I was screaming at this point, in complete distress. I wouldn’t be surprised if Chris came down due to the noise. “Oh my God, I think I’m going to be sick! Does Chris know any of this?!”

“He’s fifteen, don’t be silly—”

“Me be silly?! Fuck you, you’re the nastiest fucking human I’ve ever set eyes on, you ALWAYS make me feel like shit and you NEVER care about ANYTHING I say or ANYTHING I do!” Brian was taken aback by my outburst. “My dad knows I exist and you never let me meet him? WHO DOES THAT?!”

“I DID IT FOR YOU, DON’T BE SO SELFISH!” My mum screamed back at me, startling me.

“You know what.” I started, putting my hands up. “I’m done. I’m done with you, Mum. I’m not done with Chris, I’m not done with Michael, because I love them. And I thought I loved you, I thought I had to love you. But there’s one thing I’ve learned harder than anything else whilst I’ve been at uni, mum, and that’s that I shouldn’t force myself to look after anybody or love anybody that doesn’t return the sentiments.” I sighed in disappointment, pressing my lips together and shaking my head. I was broken. Out of all the things they needed to tell me, I never expected it to be anything like this.

“That’s right, blame me, Maria, like you always do.”

“Linda, stop it—”

“You stop it, Mike, you always take her side.”

“Why does there have to be sides? She’s our daughter!”

“She’s my daughter.”

I laughed bitterly. “He’s been a better dad to me than you’ve been a mum. Ironically.” There was an elongated silence. “We’ll stay today.” I gestured to Brian, who had long retreated from the heated argument with a guilty look on his face. “But we’re going home tomorrow.”

“A bad influence, that boyfriend of yours, Maria.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up!” I stopped her before she could go any further, grabbing onto Brian’s hand and turning to go upstairs. “You clearly just wanted a skivvy, not a daughter.”

“Maybe I should have taken my friends’ advice and gone to a bloody backstreet abortionist!” She yelled back. I froze in my spot, turning my head in her direction. If my heart wasn’t kicked and bruised enough by now, it definitely was then.

“You really mean that? Or are you just saying that?” My voice cracked.

“Everything I say… I mean.”

“Right… Of course. That’s your mantra, right?” I looked at the ground and Brian shook his head in disgust.

“That’s right. Get up those stairs – I don’t want to see either of you until you leave tomorrow. And don’t even think about ever coming back.”

“Yes, Mum.”

As Brian and I walked upstairs, I could hear my dad shouting at my mum, striking up another argument.

I just wished to myself, with Brian’s hand in mine, that this was just a bad dream. But I may have just lost my family in the space of half an hour.

Good going, Maria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... That was fun, no? 
> 
> Thoughts? 
> 
> I'm really enjoying writing this story and I have really fun things in store for it. Stay tuned, and thank you if you've kept with me this far, it really means a lot. 
> 
> I love you, every one of you, and I am always here for a talk!
> 
> Stay stunning, lovies. 
> 
> Carys x


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